fuck it.

Whew. What a day. Started off with science fair related problems and a prime sponsor who was a bit confused and pissed off. I hate to bring attention to errors by friends, but when it impacts heavily on a partnership, I have to. CWSF 2008 relies on our partners first and foremost. Sorry man, didn't mean to call you out, but I can't let careless mistakes go through without some sort of comment.

The afternoon was spent being thrown into a snake pit, presenting a project proposal. I'm shocked. I think that's about as much as I can say. Not because I am holding my tongue (did enough of that in the meeting!), but simply because I don't know how to react. Honestly, I begin to wonder how long I'm going to last in this position before I completely lose my brain. Well, minimum of 2 years since I now have a letter of reprimand in my file that sits there for 2 years!! But seriously, I don't know. Everything moves so slowly. Not that I don't like the job, not that I don't think what I'm doing is important, but more and more my belief and optimism in the system is beaten down. Fuck it. I sat at the table at this meeting this afternoon and had to both bite my tongue and hold myself back from saying what I really thought. Heaven forbid I'm learning to be diplomatic!! But fuck man, some of the shit I had to listen to from my arch enemy. Man oh man. The bullshit flew!

I feel a bit lost today. Unsure. Unhappy also. I feel like I'm closing up again, which is a very, very bad thing. Becoming increasingly distrusting. Staff and management. Us and them. More and more I'm beginning to believe that this is how the world runs all over and nothing will ever change. I've found myself at the point in the last couple of weeks that coming home after the day, I totally put the day behind me. I don't want to think about it, don't want to talk about it. I want to go to the gym, relax, take the dog for a walk. Tonight, I'm relaxing and taking the dog for a walk and having a beer.

Dunno. Maybe that's just the tiredness talking. Or the feeling of defeat from the day.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Yup.

Dog is gnawing away on a marrow bone. Hip joint actually! I just made supper for the next week. Maybe I should have gone to the gym. No. I probably would have hurt myself. I've got a few bruises from Kali last night too. Sticks and knives flying all over the place.

See, being called out on my blog by the powers that be has stifled my writing. However, with a changed address, maybe I should just let loose again. At least it will get my frustrations out. Better than bringing Bob's beautiful Filipino sword to work and going postal... Be a shame to get blood on that cool steel... :) Kidding.