In Sudbury and repressing regression

It’s been a week since I was in Iowa for the TBA Muay Thai Open. In that time, I’ve managed to gain 10 lbs (how??? How is this possible?? Okay, so my body was completely depleted in both water and glycogen, which most likely accounts for 5 of those pounds, so the rest must be in the form of pasta and junk and cheese and all the foods that I have not eaten in the last 8 weeks), and spend the first enjoyable weekend in Sudbury that I have had in years. Amazing – will wonders never cease!

Mid week, I was still scheduled to fight in Toronto on July 26^th. Friday, I got on the scale – 160 lbs. No freakin’ way!! So I sat and thought about this – 10 lbs in a week. Was that possible to do? Well, technically yes, if I cut. Did I want to do it? No. Losing the last weight was hard on me, physically, emotionally and mentally. I haven’t had a period in 2 months. Mentally, I couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything at work or at the gym. Physically, I was tired and running on fumes all the time. I couldn’t stand that. I don’t want to live that way. I want to be 150 lbs naturally, on a full tank of gas, fully fuelled and strong as hell. Not weak, mentally and physically. I walked into that tournament at the breaking point and I don’t want to be there again. I know it contributed to my performance in the ring. It certainly contributed to my mental state, which wasn’t where it should have been. I was SCARED after the first round of the first fight. I admit it openly. Well, maybe not so openly as I haven’t told that outright to too many people. But I was. I looked fear in the face and the flight part of “fight or flight” took over for a split second. I was scared. Do fighters get scared. Kruu said yes, that almost everyone who steps into the ring gets scared. I wasn’t for my first fight last October. I was for this one. Maybe because I knew that I wasn’t 100% ready for this one.

Anyway, with that in mind, and knowing I have alot to work on, I messaged Kruu and said no to the fight. Which I felt horrible about because he had already called Siam #1 and arranged everything. But there is no point in me cutting 10 lbs, or even 5 because I think the other girl was going to be fighting at 155 lbs, and feeling like CRAP and losing. I have a 1-2-0 record and want to improve on that, not be beaten, feel horrible and destroy any interest I have in stepping into the ring in the future. I didn’t explain all this to Kruu, although I’m hoping he might actually understand. Maybe. I want to work on my clinch. I want to work on defense until it because second nature. I want to be at the point where stepping into the ring is the same as sparring with my gym-mates, not something that is foreign and scary. It’s always going to be a test of stamina, heart, endurance, confidence, etc. But it shouldn’t defeat me as a person. Last weekend, I felt a bit defeated. Kruu says that I shouldn’t be disappointed, but I am. I’m also mature enough to realize that it’s a learning experience, and more so of a steep incline than a learning curve, so I can take the experience and learn from my mistakes and move onwards and upwards. No problem!! Must not block punches with face.... Must not block punches with face...

So I’m in Sudbury for the Gem and Mineral show this weekend. I drove up Friday, still a bit worried that Kruu was going to be furious with me for bailing on this fight (he isn’t, I found out today), and a bit nervous about coming here in the first place, as usual. I drove down and regressed to emotional eating the entire way – crap of course, with coffee thrown in for good measure. I realize the error of my ways, and I should be strong enough to stop it, but of course I didn’t.

So far so good down here. I went to the arena to set up the display around 4pm, and Andy was there already. We decided to go out for a beer at Grumblers, so he picked me up at my mom’s place and off we went. It was so good seeing him. He’s so comforting, such a good friend that just seeing him makes me happy and content. We were at Grumblers alone for only a short while when Melanie came over (we had agreed to meet there as well). Andy and Mel last met at my undergrad graduation bbq at my parents’ house!! 1997, that’s ages ago! And I really can’t remember when the last time I saw her was – but it was like we hadn’t been apart!! Totally incredible. Mel was such a good friend throughout university and highschool so it was great to get together with her again! We wound up going out after Andy left - to a cafe and then ultimately to the Townehouse to see Rudeboy, a ska band from, of all places, Ottawa. We danced until around 1:30am when I decided that it was definitely time to head back to my mom's place as I was crashing.

It's been a weekend of renewing old acquaintances. Mel and Joanne Commisso last night, Blair and Darryl (LU seds) this afternoon, Charlotte on the phone this evening, and tomorrow I'll see Heather, Andy and Charlotte. It's actually been really good for me. I've been needing to get out and socializing, and being around my old music crowd, and Andy, has been soothing on my somewhat torn and exhausted soul and mind. It's been therapeutic. Even tonight, I went out for supper with my mom, Memere and Tante Sue and Jen. And it was good - enjoyable! I could actually socialize, not feel like a total outcast or feel defensive. That's a first. Trips to Sudsbury have been getting more and more enjoyable in the last year or so.

I have agreed to play in a 12-piece trombone "choir" that Charlotte has put together. We are performing a piece by Murray Schafer for 12 trombones in the wilderness: "Music for Wilderness Lake". It's fucked up. That's the only way to put it! Totally 20th century, strange, odd, no time whatsoever, both alto and bass clefs, complete with wolf calls, flutter tongues, singing, and random mutes while twirling in a circle on the shore of a lake at dawn and dusk.

“Music for Wilderness Lake returns to a more remote era, to an era when music took its bearings from the natural environment, a time when musicians played to the water and to the trees and then listened for them to play back to them.” - R. Murray Schafer

We're going to do this on Nepewan in October. And the score? It resembles more closely a fourier transform or some sort of e-map for a crystal structure. All 12 parts are on one sheet. It's brutally complicated. Luckily, there is a VHS tape that has an audio version of the piece. I'm trying to get a copy of it so I can "practice" at home. Although I suspect that practicing alone is going to be virtually impossible!! I was freaking out when I saw the score, but once I sat and watched/listened to the VHS tape with Mel, it made a bit more sense. Still, I think it's going to take alot of work!!

Back to Ottawa on Monday, drop off the mineral exhibit, drop the truck off, drive home, drop the dog off, then go to the gym. I must say, I'm actually looking forward to training as a normal person for the next couple of weeks. I need to calm down, refocus, and start sparring more. Thankfully, Sacha is back from Thailand, and Kruu has expressed interest in treating the Phase III class as a fighters class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which I would be soooooooo happy with. The more hardcore fighting skills I can learn, the better. I need to learn to put into practice what I learn in class. I don't know what's stopping that connection from happening, but it's got to connect otherwise I'll never get the hang of this fighting thing. The first fight in October was easy. I didn't know any better! But now? Spending 3 full days in the thick of the fighting culture, I understand. I now fully understand. And I think that's a good thing. It's an elite group. A select group of people who will ever truly understand and appreciate what stepping into that ring means. Facing your worst fears. The only thing at that point that kept me going was knowing that my Kruu would never let anything happen to me. It's like doing a PhD and putting your full faith in your supervisor, no matter what happens.