Winds of change

The last week or so has been one of change. I knew that 2009 was going to bring about change. I knew it couldn't be worse than 2008 ended! And it's true - change is happening, and it's okay. I've embraced it. I'm learning to accept that change, that horrid word that most of us shrink away from, is nothing but a chance to grow and mature and challenge one's self. But it can hurt, it can be hard, and it can bring about mixed emotions. The last 2 weeks or so have taught me, more importantly than anything, how important good friends are in your life. I'm a very lucky person. I have a small group of good friends who I would do anything for and who, as the days go on, I come to appreciate and love more and more. It's a small group, but that's ok. One of those group told me that my problem is that I have too many people who consider me a friend. Maybe. Maybe I have alot of acquaintances. But true friends? No. Those people who I will fully open up to emotionally? No. Those who I trust fully? No. That's a very select bunch. It's an introvert characteristic.

Tomorrow I drive down to Toronto to get Rebel - yeah!!! I'm so excited to bring him home. It's been a long wait. Apparently he's doing amazing traveling up through the USA and is settling down and really enjoying myself. Last night, I had a bit of a breakdown, a full-out crying, sobbing 2 hours or so, when it simply hit me that Abbey is gone. It's been 3 months. And the wound hasn't healed fully. In fact, last night, it was ripped wide open again. It hurts so much. Such mixed emotions - excited and happy and giddy about Rebel. Sad, heartbroken and so lost about Abbey.

Food, again.

When did food go from being nutrients and the centre of social activity to being a source of frustration and annoyance and grief? In my teens and 20's, I never stopped to think about what I put into my mouth, whether solid or liquid. In my 20's, especially during my undergrad and graduate school, I drank like a fish most weeks, never considering that each pint was 300 calories of useless carbs which would be converted directly into sugar and subsequently fat. 5 pints in an evening was nothing, followed by a 2am poutine run. Never considered the thousands of calories that totalled up to. Going out with friends, I never stopped to think about how few calories to consume during the earlier part of the day to have sufficient calories left for an outing.

Skip ahead to being mid-30, and concerned about weight, counting every single calorie I put into my mouth, obsessed about making weight for fights. It's a whole different world. Tonight, I'm going for Pho with a friend. Not a big deal - noodle soup with mystery meat. But along with Pho generally comes spring rolls. Deep fried spring rolls. Deep fried, fat-laden, hot, crunchy goodness. But calorie-packed. 2 spring rolls is likely a full meal's worth of calories. Not a good thing. So I stay away from the spring rolls. And the accompanying Vietnamese coffee which contains sweetened condensed milk (at 120 calories per tablespoon). It's crazy, right? When did eating become so complicated? Requiring either a spreadsheet or an online calorie calculator? It's insane, it truly is.

On another note, I'm checking out a motorcycle tonight. I saw it, and priced it, on Sunday, but tonight is the more thorough check, and to look at financing. Woo hoo!! It's a small bike, a Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Red. :) I talked with my insurance broker this morning, and much to my surprise, I won't have to sign over my 1st born for insurance. That was going to be the limiting factor. So far, so good! Andre is coming with me tonight to give the bike a once-over. Then, I have to sit down and decide if i really want to do this. It's exciting!! I would still need to do my beginner's course, and pass the licensing tests, but I don't think that's too difficult.

Back in the land of snow

I got home from Thailand on Sunday and spent the week recovering from jet-lag and getting settled back in at work. I think my jetlag is finally gone, and I'm feeling pretty good actually. It's kind of nice to be home. I feel more relaxed than when I left and have been productive all week, both at work and with respect to getting back to a good dieting and training schedule. Even having trained in Ban Rai and a bit on Koh Phangan, I'm way too out of shape for my liking. It really sucks actually. Bob asked me today if I had registered for the Iowa tournament yet. Nope. For one, I haven't 100% decided I want to fight in it. Secondly, I'm not sure at which weight I want to register. Last year I registered in the welterweight class (135-145) and it almost killed me to get down to that weight. Too much stress. Bob suggested the super welterweight, 145-155. I could do that, but last year there weren't many girls fighting in that class. Except for the one with pink hair. So I dunno. It would be the smarter move, so that I don't have to kill myself to make weight. Right now, I'm sitting at a hefty 175. Yuck. So 20 lbs. And then go from there for the rest of the summer. I would really, really like to stay around 150. I hate this weight game. But I really hate weighing as much as I do right now. Especially when I know how good I feel at 155 lbs or so.

So it's back to training. And dieting. And training. Although my heels are still giving me problems so I hope that doesn't get worse. It will, I know it will. Especially with hard training. Hitting the banana bag seems to be the worst thing for them. Hitting pads is okay. So class should be fine. Hopefully. I did Kali and rolled a bit today, just to get back into the swing of things. I figure if I can go back to CSW as well, that will help with my strength and stamina. I feel SO weak right now. I hate it.