A return to my roots

Sometimes, the cure for what ails you is simple - go see a good friend. Wednesday, I drove to Scarborough to see A, have dinner with him and listen to his talk. The result - feeling much better. It's amazing how seeing one person can ground you, bring you back to your roots and make you realize what's important in life. Listening to A give his lecture, I sat there alternatively grinning and fighting back tears. Why? Because he hasn't changed. Regardless of how much admin stuff he's doing, higher level positions, etc, he's the same - engaging, energetic, passionate. He taught me about mineralogy, taught me to love the subject and taught me all I needed to know about doing research. And then some. Taught me about life in general. I could go on and on here, but it would be impossible for me to fully describe how I feel. The main point here is that being reminded of where you come from is a good thing. Reminded of who you really are by someone who means so much. It was just what the doctor ordered. A, you'll never know how much you mean to me, but I'm so happy you are a part of my life, and have been for 15 years.

Friday night, I got a call from one of the Truro boys, Steve, tearing a strip off me for not being in Winnipeg at CWSF. I made the choice not to go because of work, Rebel, and simply being completely traumatized by our own CWSF. It's taken me until now to recouperate from our Fair. It was stressful, and it took more out of me than I'll ever admit. But hearing Steve on the other end of the phone, it hit me how much I miss this group. How much I love them all. They are my life, represent a part of me which is good and, again, my roots. It is who I am. So between Steve and Andy this week, I feel a bit more whole than I did a week ago. I quickly booked a ticket to Winnipeg for Thursday and will spend the last portion of the week at the Fair, where I should be. At home with my friends.

When it rains...

It pours. And pours. And pours some more.

Here I figured that 2009 couldn't be any worse than the end of 2008. Nope. Boy, was I wrong! Not that it's been 'worse', but it's not been better. I think it's time to reconsider sheep farming in Scotland or some such activity. Work, relationships, Tabitha, Rebel, training. You name it. All a bit of a write-off. So, now what? I'm not sure. Can't get worse really.

So my decision for the immediate future? I'm driving to Scarborough tomorrow to attend Andy's talk at the Scarborough Mineral Club. Why? Because he's the one person who can always make me laugh, no matter what. He's always there for me, he makes me feel loved and happy. And I haven't seen him in ages. So screw it, I'm driving down. I'll also collect some samples from Bill's along the way, but I get to spend part of an evening with Andy, and that makes me happy. Because here, really, I have no urge to see anyone. I'm entering into hermit mode, and that's not a very good space to live in because it means I'm avoiding everyone rather than dealing with issues. But avoidance is better than snapping at people and getting angry and frustrated. Luckily, all my meetings originally scheduled for tomorrow were cancelled, and the bone scan I was supposed to have on Thursday has been rescheduled, so I have two free days that I can do this. I got alot accomplished in the last 2 days so this will be good. Andy and I have some research to discuss as well.

I would love to know what the hell is going on with me lately. Partly I'm hurting - my leg is killing me. And I'm developing this strange bunion-type thing on my right foot. A colleague of mine at work has something similar and it's apparently bad arthritis and only cureable by surgery. It looks and feels similar. What the hell?? Is my body rejecting me or something?

So physically I'm in pain. I'm having issues with a number of people and I'm unsure how to deal with them. Rochester was a complete nightmare and brought up more issues. The one person here who I usually can talk to about anything, I'm unsure of right now. I kind of emotionally purged to him in Rochester, and feel a bit bad about it as I haven't done that in ages. Partially I was feeling really close to him earlier on, and wanted to express that to him. It's hard with him - I want to hug him, somehow show him how much he means to me, but I feel afraid to do so, that he's going to reject that affection. I think that's partially the problem right now - there are a few people I want to show that to, but I have this serious fear of hugging people, male friends in particular. Some guys - no problem. I don't hesitate. But the ones I really care about? Scared shitless. Why is that? It feels horrible to not be able to express your love for someone.