When it rains...

It pours. And pours. And pours some more.

Here I figured that 2009 couldn't be any worse than the end of 2008. Nope. Boy, was I wrong! Not that it's been 'worse', but it's not been better. I think it's time to reconsider sheep farming in Scotland or some such activity. Work, relationships, Tabitha, Rebel, training. You name it. All a bit of a write-off. So, now what? I'm not sure. Can't get worse really.

So my decision for the immediate future? I'm driving to Scarborough tomorrow to attend Andy's talk at the Scarborough Mineral Club. Why? Because he's the one person who can always make me laugh, no matter what. He's always there for me, he makes me feel loved and happy. And I haven't seen him in ages. So screw it, I'm driving down. I'll also collect some samples from Bill's along the way, but I get to spend part of an evening with Andy, and that makes me happy. Because here, really, I have no urge to see anyone. I'm entering into hermit mode, and that's not a very good space to live in because it means I'm avoiding everyone rather than dealing with issues. But avoidance is better than snapping at people and getting angry and frustrated. Luckily, all my meetings originally scheduled for tomorrow were cancelled, and the bone scan I was supposed to have on Thursday has been rescheduled, so I have two free days that I can do this. I got alot accomplished in the last 2 days so this will be good. Andy and I have some research to discuss as well.

I would love to know what the hell is going on with me lately. Partly I'm hurting - my leg is killing me. And I'm developing this strange bunion-type thing on my right foot. A colleague of mine at work has something similar and it's apparently bad arthritis and only cureable by surgery. It looks and feels similar. What the hell?? Is my body rejecting me or something?

So physically I'm in pain. I'm having issues with a number of people and I'm unsure how to deal with them. Rochester was a complete nightmare and brought up more issues. The one person here who I usually can talk to about anything, I'm unsure of right now. I kind of emotionally purged to him in Rochester, and feel a bit bad about it as I haven't done that in ages. Partially I was feeling really close to him earlier on, and wanted to express that to him. It's hard with him - I want to hug him, somehow show him how much he means to me, but I feel afraid to do so, that he's going to reject that affection. I think that's partially the problem right now - there are a few people I want to show that to, but I have this serious fear of hugging people, male friends in particular. Some guys - no problem. I don't hesitate. But the ones I really care about? Scared shitless. Why is that? It feels horrible to not be able to express your love for someone.