weekend of change commences

Watching "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" and thinking about the last few days. I haven't slept (heat, stress) and getting more and more on edge, losing patience. Why? I think I realized why tonight. This weekend, the gym moves to a new location. In itself, not a bad thing - a new, larger space is good. But the reality of the situation is that moving to a new location means leaving the old one. It means that the transition is complete. And it's that part of this move that depresses me. That makes me unhappy and a bit depressed and on edge. It means closing one chapter in my life and starting another which I'm not sure how it will end. It hasn't been too bad with the location staying the same - Kruu is still there somehow, even if he's only around a couple days a week. But at a new location, it's a clean slate. And I'm not sure I like that.

So it's going to be a rough weekend emotion-wise. Definitely conflicting emotions. I moved my gear out of the change room today, for the first time in 3 years. Felt strange. I guess I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I spent a few hours training tonight, hands only to save my leg. Last real training session at a gym which has been my life, my home, for the last 3 years.

Funny, I see Bob all the time, socially. I have no hesitations showing up on his doorstep. But I only see Kruu once a week. It's not the same. I enjoy our growing friendship, I really do. But I do miss the teaching, the mentorship, the guidance, knowing that someone is watching over my training, wanting me to get better. It's strange feeling so divided. I guess it can be either one or the other, not both, eh? Doesn't mean I have to like it.

A return to my roots

Sometimes, the cure for what ails you is simple - go see a good friend. Wednesday, I drove to Scarborough to see A, have dinner with him and listen to his talk. The result - feeling much better. It's amazing how seeing one person can ground you, bring you back to your roots and make you realize what's important in life. Listening to A give his lecture, I sat there alternatively grinning and fighting back tears. Why? Because he hasn't changed. Regardless of how much admin stuff he's doing, higher level positions, etc, he's the same - engaging, energetic, passionate. He taught me about mineralogy, taught me to love the subject and taught me all I needed to know about doing research. And then some. Taught me about life in general. I could go on and on here, but it would be impossible for me to fully describe how I feel. The main point here is that being reminded of where you come from is a good thing. Reminded of who you really are by someone who means so much. It was just what the doctor ordered. A, you'll never know how much you mean to me, but I'm so happy you are a part of my life, and have been for 15 years.

Friday night, I got a call from one of the Truro boys, Steve, tearing a strip off me for not being in Winnipeg at CWSF. I made the choice not to go because of work, Rebel, and simply being completely traumatized by our own CWSF. It's taken me until now to recouperate from our Fair. It was stressful, and it took more out of me than I'll ever admit. But hearing Steve on the other end of the phone, it hit me how much I miss this group. How much I love them all. They are my life, represent a part of me which is good and, again, my roots. It is who I am. So between Steve and Andy this week, I feel a bit more whole than I did a week ago. I quickly booked a ticket to Winnipeg for Thursday and will spend the last portion of the week at the Fair, where I should be. At home with my friends.

When it rains...

It pours. And pours. And pours some more.

Here I figured that 2009 couldn't be any worse than the end of 2008. Nope. Boy, was I wrong! Not that it's been 'worse', but it's not been better. I think it's time to reconsider sheep farming in Scotland or some such activity. Work, relationships, Tabitha, Rebel, training. You name it. All a bit of a write-off. So, now what? I'm not sure. Can't get worse really.

So my decision for the immediate future? I'm driving to Scarborough tomorrow to attend Andy's talk at the Scarborough Mineral Club. Why? Because he's the one person who can always make me laugh, no matter what. He's always there for me, he makes me feel loved and happy. And I haven't seen him in ages. So screw it, I'm driving down. I'll also collect some samples from Bill's along the way, but I get to spend part of an evening with Andy, and that makes me happy. Because here, really, I have no urge to see anyone. I'm entering into hermit mode, and that's not a very good space to live in because it means I'm avoiding everyone rather than dealing with issues. But avoidance is better than snapping at people and getting angry and frustrated. Luckily, all my meetings originally scheduled for tomorrow were cancelled, and the bone scan I was supposed to have on Thursday has been rescheduled, so I have two free days that I can do this. I got alot accomplished in the last 2 days so this will be good. Andy and I have some research to discuss as well.

I would love to know what the hell is going on with me lately. Partly I'm hurting - my leg is killing me. And I'm developing this strange bunion-type thing on my right foot. A colleague of mine at work has something similar and it's apparently bad arthritis and only cureable by surgery. It looks and feels similar. What the hell?? Is my body rejecting me or something?

So physically I'm in pain. I'm having issues with a number of people and I'm unsure how to deal with them. Rochester was a complete nightmare and brought up more issues. The one person here who I usually can talk to about anything, I'm unsure of right now. I kind of emotionally purged to him in Rochester, and feel a bit bad about it as I haven't done that in ages. Partially I was feeling really close to him earlier on, and wanted to express that to him. It's hard with him - I want to hug him, somehow show him how much he means to me, but I feel afraid to do so, that he's going to reject that affection. I think that's partially the problem right now - there are a few people I want to show that to, but I have this serious fear of hugging people, male friends in particular. Some guys - no problem. I don't hesitate. But the ones I really care about? Scared shitless. Why is that? It feels horrible to not be able to express your love for someone.

Bad day all around.

That's it. Today was just one of those days where EVERYTHING set me off.

1. My orthotics are causing problems. Brand new orthotics. But I was stupid and went with the pressure-plate method rather than a 3D foot mold. Big mistake. Note to everyone who is out looking to get orthotics: GO THE MOLD ROUTE! Don't be coerced into getting the fancy computer version done. They have caused me more pain than I could have possibly imagined. Not at all happy.

2. A stupid cab driver cut me off today on Laurier, in the midst of the most hellish traffic, a result of bloody Tamil protesters on the Hill who are taking over all of Wellington Street and resulting in a complete re-routing of all traffic and buses. The downtown core is a mess and getting anywhere is impossible. For fuck's sake people!!! It's a problem in your own country - let them solve it! What the FUCK do you think the Canadian government can do?!! Nothing! Get over it. Get the fuck off the Hill and go do something productive somewhere else.

3. I come home tonight and Rebel has peed on the floor. Again. He did this yesterday. I'm not sure why, but it completely pissed me off (pun not intended).

4. And lastly the worst of all... My right shin is killing me. Absolutely throbbing all the time. It's fractured, I know it is. It's always sore. But I have to train. Because I have to fight in Iowa in June. Could I drop out? Yes. Will I? No. Because I'm not a quitter. Because my Kruu hasn't said "maybe it's best that you pull your name off the fight card". So I continue to train, as stupid as that is. And suffer. Because I'm not a quitter and I'm not a wimp. Maybe others realize that this is the case, but I don't. I feel if I pull off the card, I'm completely wussing out and failing to achieve a goal. Failing to train properly and be a good athlete and fighter. Failure in being able to control my progress and be smart. Failure to my gym and Kruu. A quitter and a failure does not seem like a good thing to be.

April changes

It's very strange. I have so many thoughts in my mind, but can't seem to put them down into a blog post. I have been writing in my personal journal, for my eyes only, but here, I can't seem to decide what to write. Mainly because my thoughts are revolving around a number of specific people, and I don't want to have personal details put on here, for good or bad. The good, I just feel way too emotionally-overwhelmed and would wind up making myself and readers more confused than before. The other, is a work-personal issue which has a number of different problems, but is ultimately stressing me out.

Other than Rebel, the biggest change in the last couple of weeks is that Kruu is selling the gym to take another full-time job. It's a huge source of mixed feelings, both good and bad.

If I simply look at it from the point of view of it being my gym, my training centre, then my biggest issue is that I'm losing my Kruu. I'm losing my mentor, my teacher, my trainer, my coach. He'll still be around a bit, but not in the same way, not every day like he used to be. It's hard to accept. I haven't learned near enough from him. I have so much more to learn about Asian culture and martial arts. All the instructors are still there, and therefore the quality of the instruction will not deviate (I hope), but not having him there as an anchor, as the main source of integrity, respect, the boss, it's going to be difficult. It has been. I go in, I train, and then I go home. I don't hang around as much. I have a focus - Iowa at the beginning of June. That's my priority and right now, everything else is being ignored, training-wise. I'm there every day with a purpose. To that end, I've hired Dave to train me 3 x per week. Best move I could have made as he is pushing me hard and will have me in shape for the tournament. Hopefully more confident than I was last year.

If I look at this change from a friend point of view, I'm having a very difficult time with it. For almost 3 years, that place has been my 2nd home. At times, my first home. I always knew I could go there and feel safe and have a laugh or a cry and be okay. Always knew I could come in and have some fun, poke some fun, have a laugh or have a serious discussion and look for support. It didn't matter. It's not the same now.

See? This is why I haven't posted about this. Because nothing, absolutely nothing I put down here can fully express how I'm feeling. It's impossible. I struggle with how I'm feeling. I am happy and proud of him though. I have to keep that in mind when I start feeling like breaking down in tears and sad and a bit lost.

Winds of change

The last week or so has been one of change. I knew that 2009 was going to bring about change. I knew it couldn't be worse than 2008 ended! And it's true - change is happening, and it's okay. I've embraced it. I'm learning to accept that change, that horrid word that most of us shrink away from, is nothing but a chance to grow and mature and challenge one's self. But it can hurt, it can be hard, and it can bring about mixed emotions. The last 2 weeks or so have taught me, more importantly than anything, how important good friends are in your life. I'm a very lucky person. I have a small group of good friends who I would do anything for and who, as the days go on, I come to appreciate and love more and more. It's a small group, but that's ok. One of those group told me that my problem is that I have too many people who consider me a friend. Maybe. Maybe I have alot of acquaintances. But true friends? No. Those people who I will fully open up to emotionally? No. Those who I trust fully? No. That's a very select bunch. It's an introvert characteristic.

Tomorrow I drive down to Toronto to get Rebel - yeah!!! I'm so excited to bring him home. It's been a long wait. Apparently he's doing amazing traveling up through the USA and is settling down and really enjoying myself. Last night, I had a bit of a breakdown, a full-out crying, sobbing 2 hours or so, when it simply hit me that Abbey is gone. It's been 3 months. And the wound hasn't healed fully. In fact, last night, it was ripped wide open again. It hurts so much. Such mixed emotions - excited and happy and giddy about Rebel. Sad, heartbroken and so lost about Abbey.

Food, again.

When did food go from being nutrients and the centre of social activity to being a source of frustration and annoyance and grief? In my teens and 20's, I never stopped to think about what I put into my mouth, whether solid or liquid. In my 20's, especially during my undergrad and graduate school, I drank like a fish most weeks, never considering that each pint was 300 calories of useless carbs which would be converted directly into sugar and subsequently fat. 5 pints in an evening was nothing, followed by a 2am poutine run. Never considered the thousands of calories that totalled up to. Going out with friends, I never stopped to think about how few calories to consume during the earlier part of the day to have sufficient calories left for an outing.

Skip ahead to being mid-30, and concerned about weight, counting every single calorie I put into my mouth, obsessed about making weight for fights. It's a whole different world. Tonight, I'm going for Pho with a friend. Not a big deal - noodle soup with mystery meat. But along with Pho generally comes spring rolls. Deep fried spring rolls. Deep fried, fat-laden, hot, crunchy goodness. But calorie-packed. 2 spring rolls is likely a full meal's worth of calories. Not a good thing. So I stay away from the spring rolls. And the accompanying Vietnamese coffee which contains sweetened condensed milk (at 120 calories per tablespoon). It's crazy, right? When did eating become so complicated? Requiring either a spreadsheet or an online calorie calculator? It's insane, it truly is.

On another note, I'm checking out a motorcycle tonight. I saw it, and priced it, on Sunday, but tonight is the more thorough check, and to look at financing. Woo hoo!! It's a small bike, a Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Red. :) I talked with my insurance broker this morning, and much to my surprise, I won't have to sign over my 1st born for insurance. That was going to be the limiting factor. So far, so good! Andre is coming with me tonight to give the bike a once-over. Then, I have to sit down and decide if i really want to do this. It's exciting!! I would still need to do my beginner's course, and pass the licensing tests, but I don't think that's too difficult.

Back in the land of snow

I got home from Thailand on Sunday and spent the week recovering from jet-lag and getting settled back in at work. I think my jetlag is finally gone, and I'm feeling pretty good actually. It's kind of nice to be home. I feel more relaxed than when I left and have been productive all week, both at work and with respect to getting back to a good dieting and training schedule. Even having trained in Ban Rai and a bit on Koh Phangan, I'm way too out of shape for my liking. It really sucks actually. Bob asked me today if I had registered for the Iowa tournament yet. Nope. For one, I haven't 100% decided I want to fight in it. Secondly, I'm not sure at which weight I want to register. Last year I registered in the welterweight class (135-145) and it almost killed me to get down to that weight. Too much stress. Bob suggested the super welterweight, 145-155. I could do that, but last year there weren't many girls fighting in that class. Except for the one with pink hair. So I dunno. It would be the smarter move, so that I don't have to kill myself to make weight. Right now, I'm sitting at a hefty 175. Yuck. So 20 lbs. And then go from there for the rest of the summer. I would really, really like to stay around 150. I hate this weight game. But I really hate weighing as much as I do right now. Especially when I know how good I feel at 155 lbs or so.

So it's back to training. And dieting. And training. Although my heels are still giving me problems so I hope that doesn't get worse. It will, I know it will. Especially with hard training. Hitting the banana bag seems to be the worst thing for them. Hitting pads is okay. So class should be fine. Hopefully. I did Kali and rolled a bit today, just to get back into the swing of things. I figure if I can go back to CSW as well, that will help with my strength and stamina. I feel SO weak right now. I hate it.

The only farang in the village

If you watch "Little Britain" at all, you'll understand the above title. If not, go and watch "Little Britain" - it's classic!!

I'm in Ban Rai, Uthai Thani province, which is about 3 hours northwest of Bangkok, verging on the Burma border. It's at a bit of an elevation, so very dry and stupidly, sweltering hot during the day. Mornings are cool and I need a wind breaker driving the motorbike to the gym at 6:30am. But by the time the sun rises, it begins to heat up very quickly. Mid-day, 3pm, is unbearable.

I've been training in the mornings, first going for a 30 min run, and then hitting pads for an hour. Not too heavy, but after not training seriously for the last months, all I really want to do is gain back some strength and stamina. Technique hasn't left me, just the ability to go for hours! My foot is holding up somewhat well - it's a bit sore today after yesterday's run, pads, and then a trek in the jungle to Tham Phu Wai (Phu Wai cave) so took it easy this morning and will go for a massage later this afternoon, with some sparring later in the evening.

Training with other instructors/fighters is always a learning experience for me. For one, it allows me to learn new styles, new techniques, and not get caught doing the same exact things over and over. The other thing I find it does is increase my loyalty and appreciation and respect for my own gym and Kru. I have discovered that my standards are pretty high, which I believe to be a good thing. Doesn't mean I'm not smart enough to learn from someone new though. Grin!! I've learned a few combinations and techniques this week that will come in handy back home.

On Tuesday, I helped Kin teach young kids (ages 4-12) Muay Thai in a sort of after-school program that he has going on. It was great fun!! Young girls, 5 and 6 years old, doing spinning elbows! Some of them are naturals and should really be encouraged to train more.

Yesterday, one of Kin's friends took me to Tham Phu Wai (Phu Wai cave) which is located near the idyllic Wat Tham Khao Wong. The cave is a huge karst system, but it appears to be somewhat dry. The nice thing is that it hasn't been "tourist-i-fied" and all lit up or disrupted. It has a few signs simply pointing the way through the main cave, but otherwise it has been left alone. There are a few stalagtites in formation that they have, wisely, roped off. I saw a plethora of bats, as well as 2 large snacks (cave pythons?) and this huge, wicked-looking spider/scorpion thing that had massive pincers that I'm glad was 2 feet above my head!! It was a fun trip. I wish I spoke Thai, or that my guides and Kin's friends spoke English. It's a bit hard to be in a place where I cannot communicate at all except by pointing and grinning.

I'm looking forward to getting back to BKK and heading south to the beach. I might head to Ao Phang-Nga and meet up with B&W, but that's yet to be decided. I need some beach time actually. I've enjoyed being here, but I feel a bit watched over and need to be on a bit more of an independent schedule. Kin's been very hospitable and a great tour guide though. I leave for BKK on Saturday, then take the overnight train to Surat Thani. From there, either to Koh Phangan or the Ao Phang-Nga, we'll see!!! Actually, it all depends on how my foot feels. I want to train, to get back into shape, but also want to make sure my foot is fine for training at home.

One night in Bangkok... and now up to Uthai Thani

Following the zoo episode in Phnom Penh, my day continued to prove interesting! My tuk-tuk driver, Buntho, offered to take me to the Bokator fights at the RCAF stadium. Having watched a few fights on one of the tv channels, I knew that it wasn't going to be Lumphini, but it could be fun! Although I sat napping in my hotel room for a while, contemplating whether I really wanted to go with him. In the end, I decided what the hell, and met him outside at the pre-arranged time. He had his motorcycle, not the tuk-tuk, and off we went!!

The fights had started earlier than when we arrived, so I only got to see 3 fights (fight night sponsored by Carabao too!), but they were scrapey, hard-fought, very ugly fights! Little technique, simply swinging for the fences and looking to murder the other person! Very rough. The stadium was essentially a gym with a ring and a live band and the tv crew filming for Channel 5.

After the fights, we were headed back downtown and Buntho suggested that we go for some food. Sure, why not. So, my evening out turned into a date!! Go figure - I have to go all the way to Cambodia to meet a nice, cute single guy who will go to fights and then out for dinner and live music all in one night!!

We went to this strange Khmer supper club with a stage and Khmer music where, Buntho said, all the rich people come to. We ordered deer (which turned out to be more of a jerky than fresh meat, and tasted a bit funny), and then crocodile (which was really good!) and drank beer and watched the show. Entertaining to say the least. Although I kept having to fend off Buntho's advances and offers to come back to my hotel room with me that evening! He told me about his family, his job, life in Phnom Penh, and about his marathon races - he runs a fast marathon, 3 hours! By 9pm though, after a full day in the sun and on the back of the motorcycle, I was ready to crash and asked to be taken home (without him!! my god this boy was persistent!). We did exchange email addresses though, so maybe next year I'll see him again.

Yesterday, I had a morning and most of the afternoon to kill before heading out to the airport. I went for breakfast, and then walked down to the Citadel knife shop and purchased a medium sized folder with a carbon steel blade and a buffalo horn handle. I had been looking at it earlier in the trip, so decided it would make a good souvenir. I got booted out of my hotel room around 11:30am, so had lunch in the hotel pub, then grabbed a tuk-tuk to the airport. The Phnom Penh airport is so small! There are only a few windows to check in, so it's done by flight. Once I checked in, I did a bit of airport shopping, got a book and some post-cards, and then chilled before my flight.

I must admit it's nice being back in Bangkok. I like Cambodia, but there's just something about it that makes me a bit nervous. Coming back to Bangkok felt like a relief in some ways. I dropped my gear off at the SamSenSam hotel, my new home-away-from-home in BKK, and then wandered down to Khao San for some food. I'm currently waiting out the time before grabbing a mini-bus to Ban Rai to go to my first week of training. And editing the Tabitha newsletter article. Can't wait! Although I say that with trepidation because (1) my stomach is gurgling, and (2) my foot is a bit sore!! Could be interesting. Wish me luck!