Emergence from the lion's den

I survived the meeting in the lion's den this morning, although I'm still not all that happy with the outcome or the last 1.5 years. That said, following my new thinking and philosophy, I will put the past behind me and live in the moment, looking forward to a new day and a new beginning. I hope. :)

I weighed in this morning after the two cheat days and the weekend - 155 lbs. That SUCKS!!! I'm so pissed off at this. I hope it's water weight from PMS because otherwise I have some serious work to do. I decided to try an Atkins approach this week and see if I can drop 5 lbs fast. Although being 155 lbs puts me very close to what would be ideal for my body - it may be that I won't be able to drop weight fast anymore. That said, there's no harm in trying (except the fact that with no carbs in my system, I'm going to be a very trying person to be around!!). Amazingly, I went for an hour run at lunch and felt pretty good, not too weak, which was shocking. I think I've put myself into ketosis because I'm not really hungry and am not craving anything. So maybe a week and a half of this won't be so bad. We'll see what happens at the gym tonight.

With Canada Day tomorrow, the gym is closed, but I do have a key and can go in anyway. I'll need to. I need to do some more work. Actually, I need to spar more than I have been, but it's been so quiet at the gym, there aren't many people around that I trust to spar with. Since I'm going to fight without my contacts, I want to practice in the ring without them in, to get used to seeing blurry shapes in front of me!! At close range I'm ok. I won't be able to see my corner, but then again, I really shouldn't be looking there anyway!! It's a bad habit I have at the gym, looking over when Bob talks to me, but it's usually because I can't hear a word he's saying.

When not being recognized is a good thing

Last night I was at a Khmer cultural event and met up with a few friends. The highlight of my evening, for my little weight-concious pea brain, was when one of my friends, who I have not seen in about 2 or 3 weeks, did not recognize me while I was standing with my back to her. I was shocked. For me, I don't notice the changes in my body except to know that I am NOT at my fight weight yet. But Wendy was honestly shocked, in a good way! I was a bit flustered actually, knowing I should be complimented (and I was, and also very happy that the change in my body is that noticeable), but also wondering what happens when I'm the one who is actually happy with the final outcome? Or is there simply not a "final" outcome and this is a continuous process and I should be happy with where I am now? It was thought-provoking to say the least. Also very flattering. No, I'm not yet at fight weight, but I do feel pretty damn good! And when she called my Kruu and mentioned that she didn't recognize me, he made a comment along the lines of "ya, she cleaned up pretty good eh?". That made me grin stupidly, happily. It's been a hard road, but to know the work has paid off is a good feeling.

I had a great training session yesterday. 10 km run in the morning. 1 hour on the stationary bike to warm up, and then an hour on the bags and shadow boxing. I felt strong. Most likely due to the fact that I had a shit load of carbs in my body from the 'cheat' day I had on Thursday!! We had our science fair committee thank you dinner. That meant the horribly greasy corn chips at LoneStar to start with. Coupled with the butter tart, jelly beans, and bagel with peanut butter and jam that I had had at work that day in a complete pms'ing state! Oh well. It certainly gave me alot of energy to work with!! So yesterday turned out to be a bit of a cheat day as well. I was doing really well until the Khmer event, after which we decided that we had to go out to eat. John cannot at all get it through his head that I don't want to eat out. It's too uncomfortable for me to do so (and right now, financially taxing). It means falling off the wagon, no matter what you eat (we went for Korean food, which turned out to be not all that great). I want to socialize, and am very happy that we went out as a group, but it fucks with my diet big time!! But it was worth it. The time spent with friends was well worth it and exactly what I needed. And hey, my Kruu was with me and he wasn't shooting daggers at me while I ate (the meat and veggies, I stayed away from the rice and noodles) so all's good, right? That said, I have NOT stepped on the scale in 2 days simply because I know I'm holding alot of water and don't want to know what the effects of 2 non-diet days have done to me. Although I have worked out heavily both days, so really, the effects should not be too negative. Or would that be positive since the weight would go up? Dunno.

It's pouring rain outside and I need to take Abbey for a walk. He won't walk in the rain. I, on the other hand, also have to go for a run tonight so I hope it stops sooner or later!! Not that I'm going to melt, so I should just suck it up and go. But I'll leave it for the evening so that it gives me something to do other than sit around and think about food.

women and their weight - very dysfunctional relationship

Iowa is in 15 days. 15 days!!! That's just 2 weeks!! Woo hoo!! Right now, I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Tonight was the "night of 1000 kicks" during our Phase II class. When Kruu Bob announced that we would do that, all I could do is stare at him and think "you've GOT to be KIDDING!!!". I'm exhausted. I have two broken toes from pivoting. Last night doing pad work with Nate, I was trashed after about 10 rounds. And he wants me to do 1000 kicks in class? Ya, right. I seriously thought about wimping out, for about 30 seconds, then realized I would be shot if I did!! So I did the class. And almost died and had heartburn for the last half of it, but finished standing up. Luckily, since it's done with a partner, you get a 3 min break every time your partner steps up to kick for a round. But still. At full strength, I would have put on a better show than ~750 kicks in 5 rounds. That's just pitiful! I was trashed by the end of it, but did manage to go and throw punches on the heavy bag for a while to loosen up my arms. But now, having came home and had supper, I'm sore. Aching. I want to cut off my two broken toes. Actually, I think one of them isn't so much broken as the tendon has snapped. I buddy-taped them tonight just to be safe.

I'm fighting at 145 lbs. Right now, I'm 153 lbs. I'd like to step onto the plane on the 10th at 148 lbs or so, which would leave me 3-4 lbs of water weight to lose the morning of the fight.

I'm beginning to understand why girls and women have such a dysfunctional relationship with weight and appearance. Until I started training really hard, I was never really concerned about my weight. I was always heavy, both laziness and genetics taking a role, but never really thought about it. Once you start paying attention, having to make weight, it becomes an issue that is first and foremost on your mind. Case in point. Right now, at 153 lbs, that's about 18% body fat for me. Which is at the low end of normal for a woman. It's also the lightest I've weighed since about 2nd year university. I was about 144 lbs in 1st year. But absolutely no muscle mass. Well, a little from squash, but nothing like now. But even at this point, I look at myself and think I'm fat. Of course it's all around my middle, the infamous spare tire and love handles, the first place that I put on weight to begin with, so I assume that it will be the last to come off. If I hit 145 lbs, not losing water weight, but really at 145 lbs, I'll be 15% body fat. That's well below normal. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I will still look at myself and think "you're fat". That's horrible. No matter how many of my clothes keep falling off of me! The trick after Iowa is going to be staying on a reasonable diet and not falling off the wagon and binging on crap food. A few days off and then back to training. But in a reasonable, normal, human way so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer!

Tomorrow is the last training day of this cycle. Friday is a day off. Whoop!! But tomorrow is a morning run and then some serious pad and bag work with another one of our male fighters in the evening before our science fair committee supper (which is going to be hell because I can't drink and it's supposed to be a celebration). Friday I can relax and recoup. Let my muscles stop screaming for NSAIDS!! Speaking of which, I should go find some of those...

sinking without a weight belt

I have a huge posting done in my other computer, but I can't get it on to this one without a hassle, so maybe it's not meant to be anyway.

I've been in Toronto all week, working at the ROM, and training in the mornings/evenings at a muay thai gym here. It's just been one of those weeks which has been both good and bad - bad because it's been SHIT. Good because it's been a learning experience. But not one I would want again any time soon. To begin with, I arrived in a monsoon. Monday, my mountain bike was stolen from in front of the ROM. Today, I got the shit kicked out of me and a free psychoanalysis and deconvolution of my character all in one. And one of the minerals I am working on is driving me crazy and not playing nicely.

This morning, I had a one hour private lesson. Pad work and then sparring. Possibly one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in a while and has left me feeling a mixture of exhausted, sheepish, lost and emotionally crippled all at the same time. This coupled with the last weeks where I’ve simply been lost and depressed. And I can add sore everywhere and two broken toes to the mix as well.

I sparred with him for 5 rounds, and got hit many, many times over. Nervousness took over and I resorted to my normal bull in a china shop type rushing, which, duh, doesn’t work against a pro fighter, so I got hit harder. Anyway, 5 exhausting rounds later, I sat down in the ring and had a discussion with him, which started off with “you need to relax and be calm and not so angry” (déjà vu, right?) and ended with me now in this somewhat rattled state of being. Essentially, he did a psychoanalysis on me to guess at why I am the way I am in the ring – that I’m filled with anger and it comes out in the ring. Yes. I have huge amounts of anger built up in me from my past and it totally consumes me at times and puts me in a constant suicidal/murderous cycle internally. I just don’t talk about it, or let it out (except obviously in the ring).

I’ve just never had anyone sit down and deconvolute my personality like that before (except my shrink) and he was dead on. He asked if I have a problem with authority. Yes. He said he’s surprised that I have yet to knock anyone out. Me too. Anyway, it threw me for a loop, to have someone I’ve only trained with twice sit me down and give me the facts straight out. And be understanding, not demeaning, as he says he comes from an angry past as well, and has had to work through it, and that fighting was the only thing that actually got rid of that ball of internal anger. He was very positive about my technique, power, stamina and dedication. It’s the emotional issues I have to deal with before I can grow. And I know all this. But have never had it handed to me directly before. He did say that the best fighters are people like me, but who have learned to control that anger and put it to use in the ring, not have it work against me.

8 hours later, I look back at this and realize that now I'm also pissed off at the whole experience because I am convinced he went way too hard on me to begin with. I let him open on me, and it was fucking hard, not technical. But I digress. He's the instructor, I'm the paying student. So I'll let it go. Not entirely sure after 2 sessions a therapy session was called for, but I'm glad that he did (in a way, but in a way also feeling a bit affronted). But I have consumed both honey and maple syrup tonight in frustration, neither of which are good for my training diet, so I know I'm still feeling horrible.

Instead of staying for the remainder of the week, I am going home tomorrow, tail between my legs and wanting my own bed as I have not slept while here at all. I know I'm in a bad head space lately. I know I'm headed back down the depression path, which isn't good at all and I have to stop that sequence of events from happening right now. Ever since April, I've not felt right. The science fair was the tipping point - threw me for a loop and put me right off being a happy, normal person. Now, I have to return to work and I have some higher ups who are not happy with me for regressing, and have probably lost faith in me as well. I think I have some climbing to do up out of this well I've managed to get myself into. It's not a pretty well either, the slides are slick and there's a good chance the fall to the bottom is nearer than I believe.

Cutting - the journey continues

Cutting weight. Not something anyone should ever do. Losing weight faster than the normal healthy rate. Subsisting on a 1500-1600 calorie diet while working out 2-3 hours per day. It's not normal. It's not healthy, mentally or physically. But the next four weeks will consist of exactly this. And it makes me crazy!! It means I think about food constantly, hungry or not. It requires keeping exact track of whatever I might think of putting into my mouth. And it creates anxiety, decreases patience levels, causes your mood to swing psychotically, all in the name of making weight for a fight. Veggies and lean protein is what my diet consists of right now. Thankfully I have some low-carb protein bars that have a bit of chocolate flavor because in general, everything else is somewhat bland. Spices can only do so much when you aren't allowed oils or any fatty toppings.

4 weeks. That's how long this journey will take. I have fantasies of burgers and pizza. Although I know I shouldn't be eating that stuff anyway and probably won't after the fight. But the thought of fat and carbs runs through my head! 'Visions of sugarplums dance in my head'. It sounds familiar. I wonder what a sugar plum is anyway?

I wasn't going to cut. I had a complete freak out panic session the other night about making weight for the Iowa fights. 145 lbs puts me at 14% body fat, which is quite low. Way low in fact. But after a quite productive and supportive discussion with my kru, I feel ok about tolerating a month of hell to get down to that weight. I can do it. It's not going to be enjoyable, that's for sure, but I know I can do it. And if someone is supporting me, believing in me, then it's even better. At least I don't have to go it alone.

I went for a run at lunch today and discovered the pain of shin splints again. I'm hoping that it does not go as far as a stress fracture, as has happened in the past. That would be a real problem. So tonight after training, I will come home and ice my aching shins. One of them is seriously bruised as well, which is a bit of a problem. And the top of my left foot is horribly bruised after hitting someone's elbow during sparring last night. Yup, fight prep has begun - all the bruises are coming out and I'm starting to look like I've hit by a truck!

Remind me again why we do this to ourselves?

bonking

Today was the day of the bonk. Too few calories (or not enough of the good kind I think), too much training yesterday, and bam!! Hit the wall tonight at the gym. No power, no speed, no coordination, no positive attitude. Very bad. Just one of those days I guess. So I came home, replenished back to the calorie count I should be eating, and am hoping for the best tomorrow. I hate hitting the wall like that though. It's very unproductive. My plan tonight was to do Phase II and III classes, but that plan was thrown out the window after the first class. On top of it, we had to do punch pyramids with push-ups, and then 5-5-5, two rounds of it. What crap. My grandmother could kick harder than I was tonight!! Tomorrow's another day, hopefully with a better caloric intake. To top it off, my feet are falling apart - one broken toe (baby), two numb toes, and then one deep blister that exploded and has left my big toe in a mess. Hurts like hell, but should heal up pretty soon.

Training for a fight, prepping for a fight. It's brutal. Making weight, balancing nutrition with exercise output. It's difficult. It's as much mental as physical and requires both a huge committment and huge sacrifice, as well as the support of an entire gym. Everytime I step into the gym lately, my goal is to find someone to hold pads and train with me, someone who I know will push me hard and be able to give me what I need. That's not always easy either. Training for a fight is also quite a selfish endeavor, mentally and physically. It means I don't go out with friends to eat or drink, which has left me as somewhat of a hermit. Once the fights in Iowa are over, then I'll take a break for a bit. But I want to maintain the 145-150 lb weight, so will still have to watch what I eat.

I realize that watching my weight is something I'm always going to have to do. Eating and trying to lose weight for fights has taught me alot about my eating patterns!! I'm a stress eater, a bored eater, and when I am pms'ing all carbs in the house are fair game! I like eating. And it seems that when I actually do watch what I eat, I'm hungrier than ever! But I suspect that is more psychological than anything. I hate trying to make weight.