communication - different for everyone

Sitting at Timothy's right now, reviewing a manuscript on astrophyllite-group minerals by an author who I've rejected papers by before. This one is good though - he's paired up with a couple of mineralogists from Denmark. I'm impressed. Sheds some light on some solid solutions I've been questioning as well - between astrophyllite and niobophyllite. I didn't have much data on niobophyllite for my thesis or subsequent papers so this is good to see. Seems there really might be a complete SS, except for a small gap, which I suspect is crystallographic in nature.

I've received alot of good advice from friends about the train wreck that has been the last week of my life. Keeping a paper trail - that's excellent advice. If any of this rears its ugly head in the future in the form of harassment, I want to be prepared. A good friend of mine stated that this has been like "watching a traffic accident". I don't know - I've had two serious car accidents, one life-threatening with an 18-wheeler in a snowstorm on the highway in which my rental car actually went UNDER the transport truck. That was less traumatic than this. In that case, the only person I disappointed was the rental company who had to write-off the car!! In this case, I've disappointed myself, and someone who put their trust in my judgement and actions.

I don't think I'm a 'bad' person. I would like to think I'm basically a good person. Just one that occasionally doesn't think things through too carefully.

I've also discovered that I am much less able to deal with quiet, controlled disappointment and wrist-slapping than I am with the in-your-face, yelling, screaming, verbally-abusing, hostile form of redress. It's simple - I'm used to the yelling, screaming hostility. My father has given me that all my life, most of the time for no particular reason except his bad mood or drinking. Threatening me, being hostile, abusive, vicious, all that does is piss me off and make me defensive. I'm not used to someone redressing me 'nicely' (is that an oxymoron?). I don't understand it. It fucking hurts. It destroys any thought of being defensive and makes you want to grovel on the floor and beg for forgiveness. My mind immediately assumes that making a mistake means that's it, the relationship is shot, game over, may as well end it/quit. I'm learning that's not the case. A mistake is a mistake, and although it takes time to rebuild a relationship after a mistake is made, it can happen. If it doesn't? The relationship wasn't worth it in the first place. That's when a major decision needs to be made.

Maybe I need to call my therapist and start back with him for a bit. I'm sure I can contribute more to his kids' university fund!

But a point raised by Skep makes me ponder the differences between scientific and corporate communication. Two different worlds. And two very different types of people who inhabit both worlds - at times - there are exceptions to that rule. Scientists versus management. I am in firm belief of the model of there being two types of managers - those out to gain and use power, and those who actually care about their staff and the betterment of the institution. I have seen the actions of both in my life. I feel lucky to know a good one. Disappointing a good one hurts, makes you feel like shit. Pissing off a bad one, that makes one cautious, formal and always on guard, teaches you a lesson.

But when changing from scientist to 'something else', one has to wander that line between the scientist and management worlds, one foot on either side of that great divide. It's not something most scientists are trained to deal with. Or even want to do. There's a reason scientific and corporate communication are so different - crossing that divide doesn't happen all that often. Okay Skep, what do you do when you've found yourself crossing that divide?

life in hell...

Well, can't say today was much better than yesterday really. On top of it, my sparring session fell through so I didn't even get much of a workout in. Now I have to suffer through ball hockey tonight, exactly the place I don't want to go right now.

I have a shitload of work to be doing in the next while. My head isn't in the right place though. I feel like crap, mentally exhausted, emotionally exhausted. I don't quite know what to do, what to say. I'm feeling like I just want to hole up and not come out until all is right again. Which is possible that that may take a very long time. Just sent an email to a friend/colleague to see if he's available for coffee this weekend sometime. I'm not entirely sure if I can wait until Monday to chat.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

(continued after ball hockey).

Wow. Sooner or later we're actually going to win a game and we won't know what to do. Not a bad game, but frustrating - alot of chipping, pushing, elbows, and one of the refs was not doing his job in preventing such things. It's really frustrating to stand in net and watch your players be roughed up.

Back at home now, tired but can't sleep (nothing new in that this week!!). I just ate a friggin' pizza. With all the clean eating I've been doing since November, that's a shocker to my system. When stressed, unhappy and feeling like crap, bring on the pizza. Dunno if that's better or worse than the bottle of wine that I tried to demolish last night to minimize the gerbils and the feeling of pain and anger and self-loathing from the day's events. Just left me with a headache this morning!!

Haven't received a reply from my father yet. Which is probably just as well. He may have been shocked to receive a response in the first place. I'm certain he wasn't expecting such an outspoken, vehement one! He picked the wrong fucking day to fuck with my head again.

can it get worse? Survey says.... YES!!!!!!

Wow, what a past 48 hours. The week started off pretty good, and then did nothing but spiral downwards, FAST!! I'm sitting here with a tumbler of wine (yes, B, taking care of myself) and relaxing after city league (won my match 3-0, but it wasn't pretty!). I'm trying to figure out how the last day of the week will play out. Can it get worse? Probably. If I have to start searching for a lawyer, you'll know it's gotten worse! Anyone know a good lawyer? Never thought I'd be saying that!

I see-saw between emotions tonight - mad, pissed, angry, upset, disappointed, sorry, depressed, fatigued, etc. I alternate between being mad at myself and mad at others, disappointed in myself for disappointing someone I respect, mad that I'm getting worked up about this and letting someone bully me.

OH FUCK!! And I just opened my email and WHAM! A message from my father in my Hotmail inbox, the only email address I haven't blocked him on. Gees, yes, it could get worse!! Of course!! This would SOOOOO have to happen this week!! Yes! Apparently all the gods are against me this week. Welcome to 2007 folks, the winter from hell with all sorts of fun surprises!!! Yes, welcome to sarcasm at its best. Oh great, he just got back from a cruise to the Carribean. Yeah. Good from him. I just sent off a response. I don't think I would have except that I'm hyped up, tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted and just don't want to fucking deal wtih his shit right now.

July 21st, 2007 - countdown to the last Harry Potter book

It's official. JK Rowling has announced that the 7th and last book in the Harry Potter series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", will be on sale on July 21st, 2007. 161 days!!!! That'll be 2 years since the release of the last book in which Dumbledore was killed off. As a 30-something adult, I'm a little perturbed that this news is the highlight of my day!! I can't WAIT to read this book. Yes, I'm a die-hard Harry Potter fan, I admit it. I'm also a completely head-over-heels Snape fan!! I would very much like to see him turn out to be a good guy, not evil. Although apparently 2 people get killed off in this book - who? Harry himself? Voldemort? Snape? Those are obvious guesses.

I was reading the 6th book while at the Double E Ranch 2 years ago and was very shocked and upset when I got to the end. I've never been attached to a book series in my life, and it's a kids book!! So I'm as excited as the other billion people on the planet.

See "The Leaky Cauldron" for more info. Or JK Rowlings' own website here.

In addition, the 5th film, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" will start showing just before the book comes out, on July 13th. Let's hope more scenes with Alan Rickman in them are in this movie compared to the 4th one! How they are going to put the massive 5th book into a movie is beyond me. But it's going to be a good month.

What have we learned today, oh wise blog. oh therapist of the internet world. We've learned that the worst feeling in the world is to have someone you respect, trust and actually like, be disappointed in you. To know that you have to work to regain that trust and respect, a result of a really stupid mistake.

Greyhound with a good ear

This is way too funny. Gave me a good laugh on a day that's not been all that great over all.

I was giving a trombone lesson tonight, and Abbey got his first taste of "live music". Since I've had him, I haven't practiced in my apartment, so I wasn't quite sure what he would do with 2 trombones making noise! My student started to warm-up, and Abbey perked right up, ears straight up in the air, and then comes over, head cocked to one side, staring at the trombone, over to the other side, staring at the trombone, looking very worried but with a curious expression as well!

He continued to be interested in the lesson, but further on, as we got into exercises and her Kiwanis piece with higher-register notes, he started to whine in tune to the notes!! She would go higher, and so would he!! It was hilarious!! Unfortunately, he's way off key!! The lower register didn't seem to affect him, but anything above a C and he was whining away! Now I just have to teach him to whine in tune, or at least within the same chord!

Wow, has it been a long time since I've given a lesson!! And it's been ages since I picked up my horn (Thanksgiving I think, with the Brass Choir in Sudbury). I need to get back to practicing. Too many things to do, too little time. I also discovered that my French vocabulary does not cover vocabulary to give a music lesson!! Thankfully the student's father was here as well, so he could translate some of the more convoluted concepts to her.

Went to Muay Thai tonight and had a good time. I scheduled a punishment session with Kru Sacha in the ring for Friday - sparring and more sparring. I want him to give me a good thrashing as it might take away some of the immense frustration I am harbouring right now. We worked on liver shots in class tonight - my floating ribs took a beating. We ended with a 10-count kick pyramid - shit!! That takes alot of effort!! I'm not at that stage yet - my kicks after 5 or 6 consecutive ones turn to crap and get really messy. Practice, practice, practice. Maybe I'll go in on Saturday and do 1000 kicks or something. Depends on how badly Sacha beats me up on Friday. I can't wait for ball hockey to finish so I can spend every friday night sparring with the others who come later in the evening.

Watching Quebec MMA right now. Should go to bed. Meetings bright and early tomorrow, a couple of which may not be all that much fun. Take my medicine like a good girl though. Fuck FUCK fuck fuck fuckety fuck. Some days, the thought of moving to Scotland for sheep farming and scotch distilling sounds oh so good... I wonder if I could move to Thailand and teach English and fight full time? I hear that some gyms in Thailand are looking for women fighters to train and fight as a job. Meh. Probably have to be 10 years younger.

blogging thoughts revealed - avert your eyes!!

In the internet world, a world of blogs, webpages and other public information, it's amazing we don't as of yet have a "big brother" watching over all of us at all times. But maybe we do. "They" are watching your every move on the web - where you surf, what you write, regardless of whether it's interesting or not, scary or not, harmful or not, intelligent or not, funny or not!

I'm continuously amazed at who reads (monitors?) my blog - in both a good and bad way. My blog is my outlet for thoughts, cheaper than therapy, meant only for a select audience of people - FRIENDS - who actually care about what I'm up to, what I'm thinking (or not!) and my path through this chaos that we call life.

Folks, the opinions expressed here are a reflection of the gerbils in my head, not of any external organization to which I may or may not be affiliated. I understand now why people have blog's written under an alias, secret, their identities hidden to all but a select few. There's something to be said for that, but then again, there's something to be said for freedom of speech as well, provided you are not plotting world domination or such things. If I'm going to plot world domination, I'm damn well going to tell everyone in person and invite all my friends along for the ride!!

Oh yes, I am opinionated, I have very strong emotions, a dominant personality at times, I can be really fucking stupid at times, and a blog for me is like a diary. Except if you don't like what you read, you have the option of not reading it. If you don't give a shit that I'm in a pissy mood on a certain day, or that my Muay Thai session that day was brutally difficult, or that my dog's farts smell, then don't read further. Simple. My hope, in some way, is that this gives people an insight into my mind, my inner workings, and helps them understand better, to share my experiences with my friends, etc. It's not here to be used against me.

Inconvenient truth?

Apparently Al Gore's movie, "An Inconvenient Truth" has been banned in a school board in the Washington area - of course it's a catholic school, and the spokesperson says that global warming has been predicted in the bible for the last 3500 years. I never expected to see the "God versus science" debate attached to global warming!!!

"I believe in an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out"

On that note, last weekend I was in Boston to attend the "Science & Society - Closing the Gap" conference. Al Gore was one of the keynote speakers on Friday evening. I wasn't sure what to expect of him, but I was fascinated! Here's a guy who was a horrible politician, who I dreaded listening to on TV during his time as Vice-President. But in Boston, he was fantastic! He was funny, engaging, down to earth, the kind of guy who you wanted to take out for a beer and talk to further. His message was simple:

1. In today's "information ecosystem", the general public is not actively engaged in a reasoning process, not engaged in two-way dialogues/conversations.

2. We must teach our up-and-coming scientists how to communicate.

3. The lack of support for science and science education is very detrimental. We can't retrofit new ideas and new innovations into an old system - the entire educational system must be revamped.

He quotes that the average USA citizen watches 4 hours and 39 minutes of TV each day. And this is not useful TV - it is only "fluff", even the news.

The remainder of the conference was equally as engaging and inspiring. The overall message of the conference was that, as scientists, we need to engage the public and help them to understand the TRUE nature of science, help them participate in effective dialogues and communications, and focus on the true nature of the conversation. In order to do this, we must work within the general public's belief, moral and value systems.

If we can help the general citizen to reason and think about the issues, they will be better suited in making decisions and having their own opinions.

"The purpose of education is not to validate ignorance, but to overcome it" (Lawrence Krauss)

It was a conference that was encouraging in that the continent is recognizing the need for further engagement and the death of the downstream, deficit model of communication between scientists and the general public. The bad thing is that no one quite knows how to go about solving the science literacy problem and how to get the public interested in talking with scientists. The UK is our best hope - they have solved many of the problems that we are focused on now.

Aside from the professional aspect of the conference, it was a chance to have a small Banffer reunion!! It was fantastic!! Friday night, a couple of us went searching for live music and wound up at a scuzzy little bar called Hennessey's, dancing til all hours of the morning. And trying to pick up guys! Trying and succeeding, but what's the challenge in slightly drunk, horny 19 year old frat boys?!!! It was fun though. A great time was had by all!! Boston is a great city - I'd like to go back in the summer months and look around some more. We got to see the New England Aquarium and that was about it. Penguins are SO cool. I could have sat and watched them for hours. They fascinate me.

saturday night relaxing

Bored on a saturday night. I could have gone out to a friend's for supper and then out for drinks tonight, but I decided to stay in, relax, not spend money. Watching "Sideways" right now. There's fuck all on tv right now! I spent the afternoon at the academy, 60 min shadow boxing and on the heavy bags. The hilarious thing was that this newbie guy, completely scary striker, out of control guy, decides he wants to give me some advice when I get tired! Oh man. This guy is scary in the gym. I've had to pair up with him a few times and he scares the crap out of me. Anyway, I just kinda told him I was training and put my headphones back on, ignored him as he had no idea what he was talking about.

Kru Bob and I have been throwing ideas around for a geologist-specific knife. It's been kind of a neat exercise actually! I've passed the idea through a few colleagues/friends and they think it's a great idea. It's going to be a knife but with a chisel at the tip, and the butt of the handle left exposed so that we can hammer on it. I think with his skill and my contacts, we can fill a niche market. I'm going to take an example down to Rochester with me with some order forms and see if the gang down there might be interested. Cool idea though!! He does awesome work. Really cool learning about metallurgy. Actually kinda neat to talk to this guy a bit more too - I find him a bit intimidating to tell you the truth. I'm still a little nervous around him. He's very intelligent and knows alot about all kinds of subjects, Muay Thai, Kali and martial arts in general aside. I like meeting and working with multi-dimensional people, especially intelligent ones.

Monty Python at 2am

It's 2am in the morning and I can't sleep. But that's okay, because Monty Python's Flying Circus is on!! What an insomniac's greatest discovery!

I had a latte before our ball hockey game tonight and I think that was a mistake. Now I'm wide awake. I've been in a really good mood all day actually. I think playing squash at City League last night was quite helpful. It was nice to be back at it. My technique was off, but my fitness level was great!! I even won a game (1/7 not so bad considering who I was up against). I'm going to try and play at least twice a week. It's great cross-training.

Work was good. Had a Kali class at 4pm. We did more of the hand/knife work we did on Monday. I think I'm getting alot better at this - I certainly feel less spastic and feel as if I have better control over on sticks. The hand-to-hand knife disarming we were doing today is alot of fun. When I do it with Kru Bob, it's very fluid. If I think about the way my hands are moving, I screw up the flow. I learned alot in today's class. I'm headed to the academy tomorrow to do some practice, hopefully get in a round or two of sparring if enough people are around. I love this sport. If my body would let me, I would be there twice a day! But then I'd surely be in traction with replacement body parts by the time I was 40!

random blah blah

Been having a good week here so far - getting my new job under control, and have been doing alot of training. I went to the doctor's yesterday and had her look at my left shin. She gave me a course of NSAIDs, a slip to get an x-ray, and figures that it's soft-tissue damage, but doesn't figure it's a true shin splint. She thinks it might be a tendon/ligament issue extending down from the knee. But the anti-inflammatories have been helping so far. I'll get the x-ray later on this week (she says I don't have to get it if the nsaids work out.

Having a great time in Phase II at Muay Thai!! Talk about a work-out. Yesterday at lunch, and today we did pyramid 5's with kicks on either side. It is BRUTAL!! Felt like I was going to puke afterwards, but definitely a good workout. Tomorrow I think we are doing timed sparring. Time to get punched in the head again! Ah well, just add to the bruises that I have, that's all.

Next week is the Science & Society conference in Boston. It's going to be a bit of a Banff reunion as well! 6 of us are going - Me, Allyson, Carol, Nana, Laura and Lawrence. Yeah!! I can't wait. It's going to be a blast! I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone. It'll be a nice getaway and time to reunite with my people, the people who I think understand me in ways that not alot of people do. Yeah!!!!