adventure with a shoulder, day 2

I went for physio this morning and, once again, had a quite astounding reaction to the slope of my shoulders. Barb, my therapist, asked me "have you always been that asymmetric?!". Nope! So she did a bit of probing and diagnosed the separation as 2nd degree, as well as a separation of the sternum-clavicle (SC) joint, which further explains why my shoulder is so low. She was actually impressed and said it's rare to see such an injury as usually, with that much impact, the clavicle breaks. So I don't know if I'm lucky or just a freak of nature! So a course of physio, every day, is in order - ultrasound, interferential, massage, etc. And with my arm in a sling for a while, plus the pain killers. I get the results of my x-ray tomorrow. I also have the name of a good ART specialist, so I will try him as well.

No training. No running. I can try spinning, provided I don't use my right arm.

This totally sucks. What are the chances of doing this much serious injury to myself 16 days before leaving for Thailand?! Horrible, horrible luck. Fighting in Thailand is now out of the question. Training should be ok, but I'll just be getting back to it by the time I arrive in Phuket. I just want it to get better, be as strong as before, so that I can train and be able to work as hard as I want to. Right now, I'm just in pain, from my shoulder up into my neck and a bit across my collar bone. I don't know what happens when I stop taking the pain killer, Toradol, and go back to normal Aleve or Advil.

TORADOL (ketorolac tromethamine) is a member of the pyrrolo-pyrrole group of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). The chemical name for ketorolac tromethamine is (±)-5-benzoyl-2,3-dihydro-1H-pyrrolizine-1-carboxylic acid, compound with 2-amino-2-(hydroxymethyl)-1,3-propanediol (1:1), and the chemical structure is:

Ketorolac tromethamine is a racemic mixture of [-]S and [+]R ketorolac tromethamine. Ketorolac tromethamine may exist in three crystal forms. All forms are equally soluble in water. Ketorolac tromethamine has a pKa of 3.5 and an n-octanol/water partition coefficient of 0.26. The molecular weight of ketorolac tromethamine is 376.41. Its molecular formula is C₁₉H₂₄N₂O₆.

TORADOL^ORAL is available as round, white, film-coated, red-printed tablets. Each tablet contains 10 mg ketorolac tromethamine, the active ingredient, with added lactose, magnesium stearate and microcrystalline cellulose. The white film-coating contains hydroxypropyl methylcellulose, polyethylene glycol and titanium dioxide.

The tablets are printed with red ink that includes FD&C Red #40 Aluminum Lake as the colorant. There is a large T printed on both sides of the tablet, as well as the word TORADOL on one side, and the word ROCHE on the other.

shoulder in agony

17 days before heading to Thailand, with the main goal of training, and I manage to bang up my shoulder. My right shoulder. i got swept during a rolling session at the gym yesterday afternoon and came down right on my shoulder. pain was accompanied by a snap-crackle-pop. stupidly, i kept rolling with it hurt (lightly, thankfully). i tried celebrex, aleve and scotch to dull the pain, but to no avail. last night, trying to sleep was brutal. i had to sleep on my back with a blanket holding up my arm. today, i went to the walk-in clinic at the university. the doctor totally flipped out at the slant of my shoulders!! she poked and proded and finally suggested that i have separated my shoulder. peachy. so i have to go get an x-ray, keep my right arm in a sling to keep the weight off the shoulder, and take pain killers. FUCK!!!!!! how much does this suck?? i am not a happy camper right now.

Countdown to an Asian adventure!! 20 days!

Okay, I am officially very excited that I only have 20 more days until I leave for Thailand!!! Woo hoo!! This is amazing. I'm actually a bit in awe that I am actually going - it's been such a long time in the planning. Last night, I applied for my Cambodian Visa online and received it back by email within 15 minutes of application. This is a note to all other countries: follow Cambodia's example!! It was so easy - enter in your Passport details, date of entry, point of entry, upload a jpeg, pay $25 USD, and away you go! A 30 day Visa in no time. It comes as a PDF, which you cut out and paste into your passport (along with bringing a 2nd copy for the immigration desk at the border). Easy. It definitely simplifies matters, and will reduce the time spent in line-ups at the border when we arrive. Right now, our plans look to be focused on going overland by train to the Thailand-Cambodia border, and cross at a town called Poipet, then take a taxi to Siam Reap. We've also decided to travel from Siam Reap to Phnom Penh via the river ferry down the large resevoir, Tonle Sap. The paragraph below describes this ferry service, taken from the website www.canbypublications.com, a site all about Cambodian travel. Note the italicized, bolded sentence:

"Ferries depart for Siem Reap from the Phnom Penh Port (on Sisowath Quay) at 7:00AM daily. Ferries depart Siem Reap for Phnom Penh from the dock at Chong Khneas (15km south of Siem Reap town) at 7:00AM daily. Passage is $21-$25 and should be purchased a day in advance (251km, 4-6 hours). Tickets can be purchased through your hotel, guesthouse or travel agent. The ferries are ‘local transport’ and are of variable quality and comfort, often noisy, crowded and over-air conditioned. Though generally safe, these ferries have experienced breakdowns, groundings and other difficulties. These ferries in no way meet international safety standards. Travel is best during the wet season (June-November) when the water is high. Dry season low water levels can mean smaller, less comfortable boats and occasional groundings."

In no way meets international standards. I think that was the selling point for actually USING this service!! Now that's a great way to have an adventure! I think it's going to be a fantastic way to experience Cambodia - 6 hours on a slow ferry down the main resevoir, checking out the villages along the way, talking with the locals. Woo hoo!!

My plans for my time in Bangkok are shaping up nicely:

Dec 22nd: arrival
Dec 23rd: Chatuchak Market and then going to get a sak yant done in the later afternoon
Dec 24th: sight-seeing in Bangkok (Grand Palace, Wat Pho, etc.), river hopping
Dec 25th-26th: Ayutthya and Arynik (26th: bus back to Bangkok in afternoon)
Dec 26-27th: training at a Muay Thai gym north of Bangkok (Keatkhamtorn gym)
Dec 28th: Fly to Phuket

That's going to be a full week!

I think I'm all set here. Almost all packed as well. And I'm definitely ready to leave this snowy city, leave my computer and all the hassles and struggles of work and head to warmer climates and not have to think about anything about training and eating and relaxing and working on a nice tan. It's been more than 4 years since I've had a real holiday. The last time I took off for any length of time was 2004 when I drove down to the SW USA and spent time at the Double E ranch. But that was more of an escape than a holiday. It was pre-burn-out, pre-breakdown, and I didn't really relax as I was already slightly off my rocker! And driving 15,000 kms in a month was not necessarily relaxing. It was therapeutic, yes, but not relaxing!!

Back to surfing sites about Thailand and Cambodia. Woo hoo!

24 days til Thailand!

For the first time in about 6 weeks, I've had a weekend to myself. Yeah!! I didn't even go to the gym yesterday as I'm trying to heal welts on my feet, a result of doing 1000 kicks on the banana bag last weekend. So I went for 10 km run, did laundry, groceries, etc. I managed to get all my midterms marked as well.

I think it's time to bite the bullet and stay on anti-depressants. I stopped taking them, and again am finding myself quick to anger, excessively touchy and irritable, and in general negative. The snark has returned and I don't like it. I'm going to do myself, my dog or someone else harm if I continue like this. When anger bubbles up, it tends to happen very fast, and brings along fairly violent notions, which is not good. So... back to the meds. I had thought all would be ok, but I guess a chemical imbalance is just that and requires additional chemicals to keep it in check and in balance. Sigh. I hate genetics.

On a good note, only 24 days until I leave for Thailand!! Yeah! I am scheduled to fight at 145 lbs on Koh Lanta on January 11th. Woo hoo!! 6 weeks away! I'm a bit nervous, but in general just looking forward to it. I was having dreams last night about lying on beaches and relaxing. I can't wait. I so badly need to decompress, spend time by myself meditating and cleansing my aching head, spring cleaning on emotional baggage!! I have quite a bit of work to get done before then, including final exams and a few other science fair things, but it'll go fast.

My concern right now is getting back on track with regards to eating and exercise and losing the weight I've gained over the last 1.5 months. Ugh. I was 157 lbs before my fight, dropped down to 150 lbs for the fight, and was 165 lbs on Friday when I went to see Beth. Double UGH. I got a lecture from both Beth and Kru about fluctuating weight and how it's bad for me. Ya, I know. But once you get into a carb binge routine, it's hard to stop. I'm an emotional eater - and lately, with my emotional state running a bit on edge, being on a short fuse, eating is something that comes naturally. So, I have a big sticky-note near my front door warning me of Thailand being close, hoping that this will stop me when I decide to eat at night. During the day is fine - it's at night that I start to snack and over-eat.

The worst thing is that I cut up my feet on the banana bag last weekend and it's taking forever to heal the wounds. They're on a bad place, on the top of my feet, and they never seem to be aired out enough to start the healing process. Very frustrating. I'm going to have to tape them to train this week, which will just make it worse as they aren't closed wounds yet. yeesh.

cursing genetics!!!

Genetics. It can deal you a great hand, or it can screw you over! In some ways, I have good genetics - no major physical health history except diabetes and obesity, but in other ways, I'm cursed. Cursed by bad mental health on both sides of my family tree - depression, anxiety. Either recognized or ignore, but it's there. And apparently, at this point in my life, I'm powerless in the fight to keep it at bay. Without meds that is. The last 2 weeks being 'clean' of anti-depressants has left me feeling like I'm in permanent PMS mode - anxious, easily angered, stressing about things that aren't in my control, and being paranoid about inter-personal relationships. As such, this morning I decided to 'self-medicate' and went back on a 10 mg doseage. I have an appointment with my doctor next week anyway (to have her check my wrist), so will talk to her about my wonderfully fucked up brain chemistry!!!

Ah genetics. Gotta love it. Bad brain chemistry, no ass, weight gain around the middle. Peachy.

I can also tell I'm headed back into depressive habits when I start blogging again! That's always a good indication.

I gave a talk at the Young Toronto Mineralogists Club this weekend, at the science centre. It was a great time! 30 kids and their parents, and a few adults I know who I haven't seen in a while, which was great. I brought Rob, Liana and Luke along with me, tried to get Luke into the minerals. Brian and Mary had me over for supper that evening, which was actually alot of fun. Dave was there as well. Sunday, I stopped in Kingston on the way home and had a chat with Brad about picking gem rough while in Thailand/Cambodia. It's not going to be easy! But I hope to get some material that will be good enough for cutting for myself and Bob.


Today was Day 1 of the STAN conference. I have mixed feelings with regards to this organization. We had a short round-table discussion on the best ways to measure metrics for the group, but the one big road block I see is that the organization doesn't seem to have a solid mandate or goal! It's hard to measure metrics for something when you don't know what you want to achieve. STAN is essentially an advocacy group for all NPO and some for-profit groups in the country dealing with youth science, or science education in general. One of main problems is that although we all want to work together, we also all have to compete for the same pot of money. A pot of money that decreases continuously every year.

Still writing, which means the hedgehogs are still running rampant and therefore the thoughts are inside but not coming out.

contemplating life... again

So it's been about 2 weeks since I've been off anti-depressants entirely, and I'm wondering if it's maybe not something I should go back on. At my doctor's discretion, I took my dosage down from 40 mg, to 20 mg, to 10 mg, and then to zero. But I find myself easily frustrated, angered, and generally on edge and snappy lately. I can't relate that to hormonal changes, so I'm wondering if either I'm just in general stressed, or anxious and need to at least be on a 10 mg dose. I would rather not be on any dose, but I guess the alternative (driving everyone else around me crazy) is worse.

I've been fairly introverted lately as a result - I haven't wanted to get into many in-depth conversations, share any deep feelings. I attempted to once this week, share the thoughts on an experience that shook me a bit, taught me something about person-to-person interaction, and I think it might have landed me in trouble. Why is that? I'm never sure who in my life can take a more honest, deep observation, and who might simply look at me as if I'm fucking nuts.

I'm off to Toronto this weekend, both a good and bad thing. Although I think I need a few "Paula days" as a friend put it. I'm over-trained, tired, stressed-out, and somewhat emotionally unstable right now. The last few weekends have been hectic (not in a bad way, but still busy) and I haven't had time to simply relax. Tuesday morning, I crashed. I slept in. I couldn't help it. I needed the sleep. It only occurred to me that I've been training non-stop since last Thursday without a day off (including the Ajarn Chai seminar this weekend). I've got one wrist that is completely fucked up as a result of grappling and holding pads. It started with a rough hold by someone in our csw class who I absolutely hate wrestling with (he wrecked my shoulder a couple of months back and I spent 2 months not able to sleep on that side) and the pain has gotten worse. I'm unsure whether it's broken or simply sprained badly, but alas, it hurts like a bitch. And it's my own fucking fault for continuing to use it and train. Screw it though, I need to train to make sure my mind stays calm.

Argh.

Just having one of those days. One of those weeks! I'm frustrated. Relationships are confusing me entirely.

Work is confusing me and a source of frustration. Even training lately confuses me, which should be the simplest of all, but in reality it's not! It's easy at the beginning. It's harder when you become more serious. I want to fight more. I want to train hard, work hard, fight hard. Am I the right person to want to be able to do that though, that's the question.

Sigh.

So off to Toronto tomorrow, which means missing another weekend of Kali and BJJ, which totally sucks, and a weekend of having to be social.

Amateur Muay Thai Record: 0-1; post-fight analysis

Howdy folks, and welcome to the post-fight analysis part of this blog!!

I had my first amateur Muay Thai fight on Saturday, Oct 13th. It was held at L'Academie Sportive in Montreal, as part of the Quebec Olympic Boxing championships. They had a full afternoon of Thai fighting in amongst the regular boxing.

In the days leading up to the fight, fighting was not actually my worry! Making weight was! That shouldn't have been too much of a worry, but of course, it was. In the end, the worry was for nothing and I weighed in fine for the 150 lbs limit (67.8 kilos). But the last week I was on a diet of salad and tuna and a regime of long, slow distances on the stationary bike at the gym! I was giddy a good portion of Wednesday and Thursday, attempting to not drive myself bonkers thinking about the fight, and doing my best to use positive visualization techniques to imagine myself winning.

I drove down to Montreal on Friday, knowing full well that, being a horrible morning person, the cost of a hotel room was very much worth the security in knowing that I didn't have to drive 2 hours pre-fight, worry about traffic, the weather, etc. Turned out to be a good idea as the hotel had a sauna, pool, and I got a very good night's sleep. I was weighing 153 lbs when I got to the hotel, so spent a few hours doing a salt-bath that evening to get rid of some water weight. What's a salt-bath you say? Only a very, very boring 2 hours spent in a saturated solution of table salt to draw water out of your body by osmosis! 2 hours in the bath tub is not fun. But it's a bit more bearable than going in and out of a sauna! And you can read in the tub. Once out of the bath, I watched tv, relaxed, and tried not to think about the fight that morning. I did have a dream that evening that I completely forgot how to punch and kick! But otherwise I slept quite soundly, which surprised me.

Saturday morning, I got up at 7am and weighed myself: 149 lbs - Woo hoo!! I went back to bed for another 1.5 hours to get some more sleep. At this point in time, I was very hungry and also very thirsty! Being used to 4-6 litres of water per day, cutting fluid intake for a day was a shock for me. But it worked for making weight. And catching up on fluid with 3 hours between weigh-ins and the fight wasn't a problem.

After dressing, packing, and repacking my gear to make sure everything was there (head gear, mouth guard, shin protectors, gauze, tape, you name it), I called the valet service to get my car out of the garage (again, another perk to staying at a nice hotel!!). L'Academie Sportive was a couple of blocks east of my hotel, a short drive. I found the gym, parked the car and went inside. The lady at the desk didn't seem to understand what was going on, so I hung out a bit until a few other fighters showed up. We were all congregated around the main fight venue doors until 10:10am when they finally started the weigh-ins in a different room.

Kruu Bob and Wendy showed up around 9:50am, and I was very, VERY happy to see them! Up until then, I was nervously standing around, listening to my iPod and avoiding everything else. It was so nice to see a smiling face; even better, the smiling face of your instructor!

Weigh-ins got started, forms for medical purposes were filled out, I weighed in and that was it! I scarfed down a protein bar, at which point in time Kru decided that breakfast was in order. We tossed my gear into his car and headed across the street to a diner which had pancakes and high-carb items on the menu. Kru was adamant that I throw back a breakfast with alot of carbs and it had to be pancakes or waffles. It was hilarious - I've never had anyone practically force-feed me pancakes before!! I ordered this huge plate with waffles, bananas and chocolate syrup, and alot of coffee. The three of us sat and chatted and had breakfast for an hour or so, which was very enjoyable - talking about Thailand, Cambodia, travel plans for December and January.

We headed back to the gym and found the warm-up "room" for the red corner - a small storage room off the gymnasium itself. The fights were being held in a gymnasium with the ring elevated in the centre of the gym. It was questionable whether we had walked into a fight or a rave!!! Disco lights and rave/dance music seems to be the choice of 'ambience' for Montreal fights!!

The next 2 hours or so were a mix of prepping for the fight, warming up, and attempting to stay calm and energized all at the same time! Not an easy feat. Kruu Bob wrapped my hands with gauze and tape (not the knuckles though) and warmed me up easy on the pads. He also tapped my shin guards in place so they wouldn't wobble around during the fight. These weren't my standard shin guards - these were simple foam ones I bought last week that would allow for a much more penetrating shin and more pain. :)


I think the worst part of the whole fight scene is sitting/standing around waiting. I was 3rd on the card (although you wouldn't be able to tell from the names as somehow they got my name spelled horribly as "Paola Phillina" - the worst rendition of my name I have ever seen!!!). Fights were supposed to start at Noon, but the promoters kept putting it off and putting it off. We finally got started around 1pm, and they cancelled the 2nd fight so I was up 2nd on the card.

Dom and Kurt from the Academy showed up, which was fantastic, so Kruu asked Kurt to be his assistant in the corner (in prep for Dom's pro fight in Montreal November 10th). The ring assistants came by with the gloves for the fight - 10 oz gloves!! Small little things! Awesome though - Rival brand and I really liked them (thinking of getting a heavier pair myself). 10 oz gloves weigh nothing when you're used to 12 oz and 16 oz!! Kruu tied them on and then taped the laces in front of the assistant. He then put on my headgear and greased up my face, massaging my nose to get the airways open so I could breathe well. Then, more waiting. A bit more light pad work. When the first fight went on, I started to get really nervous!! No turning back now!!!

As the first fight ended, we walked to the red corner of the ring, preparing to enter. Kruu Bob held down the ropes for me and I hopped over top (hoping to hell I didn't miss and wind up flat on my ass!). I did a modified/shortened Wai Kru (three bows and then sealed the ring), winding up back in my corner. At that point in time, I stood in my corner, bowing, and Kruu put his hands on my head, forehead to my forehead, and we stayed like that for a bit of time. I'm not one to ever believe in energy transfers, etc., but I must admit that this act, the head-to-head quiet moment, was one of the most calming experiences I have ever had. Seriously. It felt like any nervous tension I had was drawn out of me and I knew at that point that all would be ok as I had support of my Kruu and he believed in me. I know, sounds strange, but I really did undergo a sort of transition at that moment.

I'm not entirely sure I can re-cap each individual round. There were punches and kicks and alot of clinching, more kicks, some punches, etc., but exact details, I'm not able to give. You can see the fight video at www.youtube.com/Piila2 . All in all, I didn't get hurt. Yes, I got punched a couple of times HARD, but nothing that really rocked me. I think I landed many more hard blows than she did, and I'm convinced she was probably hurting the next day. What shocked me was how absolutely GASSED I was half-way through the first round. Okay, my cardio is good, so I know that wasn't the issue. I was shocked at how much nervous tension can take out of you. It completely zaps your energy and left me flat-footed and shocked. Half-way through the first round, I simply stopped. Kruu Bob says it looked like I had blanked out for a bit, but I was actually thinking. I simply wanted to hit "pause" and regroup! Everything was happening way too fast - too spastic. I could hear him yelling at me to throw punches or kick, but my brain seemed to pause. It finally started up again, but it was an interesting 20 or 30 seconds of dead time!!

In the 3rd round, about 30 seconds in, I had her on the ropes and threw a couple of punches. I got her with a left hook at which point she spun away and dropped her head. I chose that time (consciously or subconsciously) to land a straight knee right into her head. Ooops. Knees to the head weren't allowed. And followed it up with a right cross square on her head as well. Until I saw the video, I didn't even know what had happened - I think I simply caught her with the right cross. So did Kruu Bob and Kurt.

She dropped to the ground, crawled over to her corner and sobbed there. The ref counted to 8, then her corner bitched and complained, so they stood her up and gave her some more time. Meanwhile, I'm standing in the neutral corner wondering what the hell is going on! Then the ref turns to me and motions that I've got a point taken away from me, which I still didn't understand why.

Once we finally got going again, I just laid into her. I managed to teep her IN THE FACE! Twice!! Personally, I was impressed! I didn't think I could teep that high! Woo hoo!

My opponent was awarded the fight on points, a split decision. Although I would have liked to win, I must say that the experience was completely worth it, and losing means that I have learned alot and have alot to work on before my next fight!!

A couple of things I was happy with:

1. I could hear my corner the entire time. I even managed to listen and implement Kruu's yelled orders during the rounds a couple of times. I didn't fight deaf to my corner, and that I'm very happy with.

2. I used combinations throughout.

3. I actually shielded kicks!

Things I need to work on:

1. My hands were dropped WAY too far down!! Very, very bad.
2. Charging. I rush my opponent and need to wait for them more.
3. Returning attacks off of my defense - need to do more.
4. Feet all strung out - a result of charging.
5. Kicks - I like kicking to the legs and don't seem to aim for the body enough.
6. Need more body shots and stop relying so much on right hooks.
7. More effective clinch position - knees weren't landing on target.

First amateur Muay Thai fight on Oct 13th!

Okay folks, the day we've all been waiting for is upon us! Well, the day I'VE been waiting for anyway!! Kruu got a call from L'Academie Sportif in Montreal on Wednesday and they need a female fighter at 150 lbs (68 kilos) for next Saturday, Oct 13th. It's a full weekend of fights, mainly boxing, but they are putting on an afternoon of Thai fights as well, which is going to be great! My first fight! I'm so fucking hyped up. As soon as Kruu Bob asked me, I agreed! He made sure to let me know that I've never been hit HARD and that I'd have to spar stupidly hard a few times to make sure I knew what it feels like to be rocked, but he was supportive! So away we go! Only issue is that I'm 5 lbs over 150 lbs so have to shed that weight this week. No problem. A few saunas and a bit of a food restriction and I should be fine. I am overly-hydrated most of the time, so losing a few lbs to water is not going to be a huge deal.

This is so amazing. I've been waiting for a fight for a while and am just raring to get in there and bang. My goal is a knock-out. No three rounds bullshit - that chick is going down HARD! Kruu Bob was giving me the low down on the plans for this week (training, eating, protection, etc.) and his main two instructions were:

1. "Rip her fucking head off!! Just go in there and rip it off!!"
2. Be calm, cool, confident, relaxed.

I like the "rip her fucking head off" part of it. That's hilarious. That's the plan!! If I can end this soon, prove that I can be calm and then unlease the power that both of us know I have, then it puts me in a good position to be fighting more in Quebec in the next while. The majority of the female fights in Ontario are sanctioned under CASK and since we won't join CASK, I have to start thinking outside the province. Or the USA. The next TBA Open will be in June and I definitely want to fight in that.

So!! This week it's all about protein, healthy carbs and losing weight. Wooo hoo! The last day I'm allowed to train is Tuesday, with light timing sparring on Wednesday. Then 2 full days off (which will of course be spent in anticipation!). Weigh-ins are Saturday morning at 10am, then I have 2.5 hours to rehydrate and eat. I fight at 12:30pm, in the red corner. Can't fucking wait! And Kruu Bob is coming down to corner for me, rather than one of our assistants, which is so amazing. Although it makes me very nervous! I don't want to disappoint him at all - want him to be proud of me and let me fight again for him!

This week is going to be brutal. Already, my mind is completely focused on the fight and nothing else. I'm in Sudbury right now, and when I go out for runs here, my mind turns off and goes into fight mode - shadow boxing during the 1 minute walk breaks, practicing footwork, etc. It's been hard being here and having to be eating healthy on a holiday weekend, not being able to have wine, etc. What's worse is having to ignore all the comments surrounding the fight, training, etc - the "why do you do this? why are you interested in fighting? why do you have a black eye and bruised up legs?". And the looks. The looks that I'm insane. No one here seems to understand why I do Muay Thai. At least at home my friends understand. Some of them don't like it, but they understand and would not think about expressing negative thoughts (unless they were as a joke).

Anyway, awesome!! 5 days til the fight. Can't wait. The girl I'm fighting doesn't have as much experience as me. But I'm not feeling cocky. I know better NOT to be cocky or I'll get knocked out. I plan to go in that ring, come out fighting, bang hard, knock her out, and then enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

The gym I'm training at in Phuket, Thailand (Tiger Muay Thai) is going to find me a fight while I'm there as well. But that that point in time, I want to fight at 140 lbs (63 kilos). But that's a long way away. My nutritionist isn't sure I can be that light. That would put me at about 11% body fat, quite low for a female. 145 lbs is probably more realistic to be walking around at. Maybe 140 lbs with cutting water.

Okay, bed time here. I want to leave early to head back to Ottawa. More later!

No motivation for bitching lately. But training is going great!!!

Been a long time since I've written on here eh? I've wanted to, but for some reason have gone back to holding thoughts inside, not really sharing them. Why? Dunno. I guess because I'm not sure I want them read!!

It's been a long week, a tiring one, both work-wise and with training. Training and the nutrition is going great! Dropping 1.5-2 lbs per week, steadily. Yeah! I can't wait to be down to fighting weight, be able to wear a bikini in Thailand, etc. It's a slow process, but if it was fast, I'm sure I'd gain the weight back quickly. It's also hard work! My long runs have been up at 12 or 13 km, and I'm training at the gym every day except Sundays. I think I want to try a half-marathon in October. Also started hill running in the Gatineau Park, which is a hell of alot better than the hill at Strathcona Park where I was doing repeats! Yesterday, Kru suggested to me that I can go to the Oregon Muay Thai camp next summer (July). Yeah!! It's run by Ajarn Chai and other amazing instructors. That made me really, really excited! Today, he suggested I look at doing my test for Phase III! Woo hoo!!! I guess I'm doing ok! That made me feel really good, happy to know that I"m progressing to his standards. Yeah!!!

In the free moments, I've been Googling Thailand, trying to figure out travel schedules, where to visit in Bangkok before heading to Phuket, hotels, etc. I'm SOOOOOOOOO looking forward to leaving. I'm not sure my CWSF committee is happy, but I think it'll be ok. Kru's been handing me advice about where to shop, to stay, the Sky Train, etc. It's very helpful to have someone around who has been there many times.

I'm also trying to pack and get ready to move. I've thrown out so much shit!!! it's amazing how much crap can accumulate after 10 years. Been couch shopping too. I need a couch and a dining room set. Couch first though! I'm attempting to stay out of Ikea and be a real adult. :) I founda great dark red couch and chair at The Brick this afternoon that I'm thinking of getting. I'm going to wait to buy anything until I can get into the apartment, measure the living room space and figure out what will work best. The slanting roof in the living room is awesome, but it causes some space restrictions.

Fuck. I wound up in a bit of a pondering life discussion with a friend earlier this week. Usually, I'm all for bitching and complaining and soul-searching back and forth, but this time I just wasn't into it. I didn't feel like I'm needing to do that. It's not that I feel like is perfect by any means. It's more that I don't feel like exposing that side of my emotions right now. Like it's counter productive. I've not been feeling motivated to do much lately, except train, so maybe the idea of bitching about that isn't motivating either!!! Vicious circle? The other thing is that this friend of mine, who I love like a sister, puts up huge walls which are unsurmountable anyway and the last time I tried to break through, I got pummeled back and shut down. The sting of that experience has not gone away so I guess I'm being overly cautious to opening up emotional discussions. She doesn't realize how tightly wound and intimidating she can be at times. But it's such a front. Self-awareness is always the first step to healing yourself, realizing that the patterns in your life are predictable from your dysfunctional past.

rant about emails at work

Okay, so I just had a run-in with management... again!! I sent out an email asking for support for our Tabitha Foundation house building in Cambodia. I thought that with enough people from work, we could probably build one full house. A manager emails me back saying that this sort of email is against policy, and that I can have my email privileges provoked, etc. Oh for fuck's sake!!! Every day, we receive many emails that are not totally work-related! Who fucking cares who is having a baby, or going on maternity leave, or someone's relative died. Not trying to be uncaring or anything, but seriously, does it really affect every single one of us? No. Not in the slightest. I don't want these emails in my Inbox. I swear, this woman has a hit out for me. Fuckin' hell. I'm tempted to send her back a raving email, but then again, that would be playing with fire and, as I must continuously remember, I am a mere pion and cannot anger the gods that be in the upper levels. Seriously considering what my options are for next year...

On another, more positive note, check out our new Rockin4Tabitha blog: www.rockin4tabitha.blogspot.com and see what we're up to for the fall!!!