Thailand/Cambodia 2009 - arrived!

Sitting at the SamSenSam Boutique Hotel in Bangkok after spending Day 1 touring around, tiring myself out so I sleep well tonight. That shouldn't be a problem given that I was up at 6:30am, went for a 40 min run, and then spent the day walking, walking, walking. My foot is KILLING me. Not a good thing I suspect. But I've been icing it and have managed to track down some more anti-inflammatories (gotta love BKK pharmacies!).

The flight over was vaguely uneventful. From Chicago to Tokyo I managed to score my 2 seats by myself - woo hoo! Which meant I could (somewhat) spread out and attempt to get some sleep. I got about 4 hours of sleep, and then spent the rest of the time in what I can only describe as a zombi state - that glazed over travel state which is neither really awake or asleep. In Tokyo, I enjoyed a large Yesubi beer and some dumplings, took a few melatonin and almost fell asleep in the departure lounge!! I got on the plane and I don't remember the take-off. I slept almost the entire way from Tokyo to Bangkok except the last hour. Woo hoo!! Getting into Bangkok after 6 hours of sleep, I was wide awake! I grabbed a taxi to the hotel, excited, tired, wired, and enjoying the smells of Bangkok - Asian cities have their own smell, whether it's the pollution coupled with incense or simply the hot, sticky air after being in a sterile plane for 24 hours. It feels like home. It smells like Kathmandu.

I managed to get some sleep last night - about 2 hours. I woke early and decided what better way to get rid of jetlag than to go for a run? Remember, I've been off training for the last while, trying to heal my foot! But I figured the warmth would help, so off I went, much to the surprise of the night watchman who, I think, thought I was insane to refuse coffee in order to go and sweat in the streets! I ran to the river, along some side streets, and into a park near the palace. There were Muay Thai students running in the same park, so I wasn't alone! There are 2 gyms near Khao San so I suspect the guys were from there. Thais are funny to watch run - they run on their toes. I try it, but it hurts like hell!!

After breakfast (chicken and rice and fruit - dragon fruit, rose apple, apple and bananas!!), including 2 cups of instant coffee, I gathered my pack and headed off. The streets are quiet at 9am in the morning, especially since it is Chinese New Year and alot of stores are closed. I had two goals for the day: (1) gloves and thai shorts, and (2) Bob's contact lenses. Goal #1 was met, goal #2 was a bust after 5 attempts as no one in town has negative prescriptions. I wound up walking down to the Amulet Market near the palace and wandering around it for a while, purusing the strangeness that is the amulet world. I hopped on an express boat south on the river and got off at the central station for the BTS. BTS to MRT and I landed at Lumphini. I should have checked in advance that tonight was a Lumphini fight night - nope. The stadium, and the gear stores, were closed. So, grab a taxi to Ratchadamnern stadium where all the stores were open!! Yeah!! 12 oz gloves, a pair of bright yellow shorts and wraps and we're good to go. Assuming my foot holds out!

Deciding it was time for lunch, I went around the corner from the stadium where a Chinese man beckoned me to come inside his restaurant. Sure! Why not! Plunk. Large Chang beer put in front of me and a suggestion from the owner - snake fish grilled over charcoal. Sounds good to me!! I'll upload a photo of this fish soon, but it was a good foot long! The entire fish, split open to reveal the white cooked flesh. Spoon on some (very) hot chilis and add some rice and it was awesome!! Plunk. Another beer appears in front of me (Paula's slightly giddy by this point in time but the owner is being really nice and friendly!!). It was an enjoyable lunch and well-deserved after the morning's running around.

I grabbed a taxi back to Khao San Road and wandered around the market, winding up in a massage shop for a much-needed foot massage. Why is it Thai masseures are always shocked at how tight my calves are?!! Man, she did a number on me! But I hope it helps and tomorrow feels better. Can't be worse than it is now!! I suspect I should go and get some NamNam at the pharmacy. I did find some more Voltarin which will take me through the next couple of weeks.

I'm back at the hotel now, deciding that being off my feet is a good thing for the time being!! I think I need to soak my feet in something cold. :)

I discovered mangosteens (milk fruit) today. I've never had mangosteen in it's natural state before. I bought 5 of them at the market after the stall lady showed me how to eat them! Break open the red-purple fruit and eat the white segments inside. They're great!!!

I'm debating on what to do for supper. I think it will be light - for one thing, I'm exhausted. For another, I'm exhausted!!!

Tomorrow, I'm not sure what the plan is. Something that doesn't include lots of walking, that's for sure. Possibly a run in the morning. We'll see how my foot is. Something low key me thinks.

Introducing...

Rebel, aka Nitro Iceman!


Rebel is a 3.5 year old, blue brindle male from B&J Racing Kennels in Jacksonville, Florida. He's 65 lbs (race weight) and a big goofy, silly bundle of energy!!

He's been off the track since June and in the last two weeks, I've been in contact with his owners and discussing his adoption. This weekend, he was fostered at one of Cathie's friend's place in order to be cat- and alone-tested. He passed!! He's interested in cats, but can be distracted and is therefore trainable to be cat-safe. Yeah!! Apparently he has two speeds - on and off! He's interested in EVERYTHING and very enthusiastic about life in general. He does zoomies like a fiend and will be quite the handful when he comes up here.
If all goes well, he will come up here towards the end of March, after Sandy Paws at the beginning of March. He'll be catching a ride with a couple from near Barrie.





It feels a bit strange to be adopting another dog. Alot of emotions are whirling around in my head, including pain and sorrow and heartache and happiness and joy and excitement. But I know the happiness and joy that Abbey brought me. I'm hoping that Rebel can bring me the same. They aren't the same dog, different in personality, shape, colour, size, etc. But I think Rebel is a good match.

I miss Abbey. I cried for him today again. I miss him so much.

Circle of Grey and "From Friend to Friend"

Up until yesterday, I thought I was holding together quite well emotionally. I was down to only one crying episode a day, usually spurred by a picture on my screensaver, or a posting on one of the greyhound forums. Yesterday, I went to the post office and picked up my Circle of Grey blanket. Circle of Grey is a forum for greyhound owners dealing with cancer in their dogs. It's a support network and it has been invaluable for me - people who understand, who have been through the hell of dealing with cancer in their dogs, who have dealt with diagnosis, treatment and ultimately having to let their dogs go to the bridge. The people on CofG, more than anyone else, can offer support and advice and comfort when the pain seems to be too much to bear. For me, they were a huge support.

They also offer a 'blanket brigade' service - members of the group make fleece blankets and send them out to ailing greyhounds and their owners. Yesterday, Abbey's blanket arrived. I brought it home, took it from the box and read the enclosed letter and card. That was it. I lost it. The wound which was starting to heal was ripped wide open again. I spent most of the day crying, for my loss, for his pain, for the friendship we shared, for the love we shared. It was too much. I have never, ever experienced this much pain for anyone, anything. Yesterday was the hardest day since the weekend before I put him to sleep.

I know that the pain will subside sooner or later, and all the good, happy memories will be left. Right now, the pain of loss is still front and centre.

I was sent the following poem by a lady on CofG. I read it late last night and it brought me to tears and continues to do so now.

"From Friend to Friend" by Karen Clouston

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

In Memory of Asta, Feb. 1997
(c) Karen Clouston

17 days til Thailand.

6 days into 2009 and so far, nothing terrible has happened. Yeah! I was in at work yesterday, which was both good and bad. It was excellent for getting my mind focused on something else, but it was bad because I really didn't feel like socializing. So coffee break and lunch were difficult. At one point in time, I had to listen to a colleague talk about his cats, and it was driving me crazy. Just had to get out.

Today was up and down. A friend suggested going for dumplings with another couple friend of ours. I had to simply be honest and say I couldn't handle that right now. I'm being a bit picky in who I hang out with right now. I can't be smothered, I don't want to hear the "oh I'm so sorry" comments. I just need to be left to my own thoughts, if I want to talk, I'll talk. But I don't want to be forced into it, or have to sit and be social and happy if I don't feel like it. It's selfish, I know. It's avoidance and protecting myself.

I'm in the process of possibly getting another greyhound. His name is Rebel (Nitro Iceman was his racing name). He's 65 lbs, a small boy, but apparently really goofy and playful. I saw him on the website and he caught my attention - he had the same look in his eyes that Abbey did when I first saw his photo. If love at first sight is possible with a dog, then it's happened twice. I can't replace Abbey, but I have to fill the hole in my life, in my heart.

Yesterday, a photo of him came up on my screen saver at work and I burst into tears. It keeps happening. I don't suspect that is going to stop any time soon. I feel really shitty. Not going up to Sudbury carries it's own guilt.

Minor melt down, but holding somewhat steady

So. Here I sit, back in Ottawa. This morning, I attempted to drive to Sudbury. "Attempted" being the operative word. After a somewhat sleepless night (thoughts of the hell on earth being in Sudbury would be - butting heads with brother, potential and likely blow out with aunt, not sleeping well, no puppy to take for walks to get out of the house), I was up early this morning, grabbed coffee and took off. Although the sky was bright blue, the roads from here to Renfrew were wet, but not slippery. From Renfrew westwards, the snow coverage increased. Increased snow coverage meant my anxiety level increased exponentially. By the time I got to Cobden, I was in the starting stages of a full on anxiety attack. Once again. I haven't had a panic attack in years and years. And knowing full well what happens during a panic attack, I pulled over into the gas station parking lot and had a melt down. This past week, the last 2 weeks, finally caught up with me and that was it - I couldn't handle it any longer. I sat there for a while and then called my mom and explained my situation. She was understanding, and had been worried about me driving that route while being somewhat emotionally fragile. I was going to Sudbury for her, not for anyone else. But I can't be of help if I'm not stable myself. And driving to Sudbury was going to land me in the looney bin. The return trip probably the same.

I grabbed a coffee, turned around and came home. I stopped by the gym (had sent emails explaining the situation as it was unfolding), had a bit of a laugh and managed to stop shaking. Now I'm home, baking chicken and trying to chill out and stay sane.

I'm a complete wreck. I'm standing on a ridge, with one side being depression and anxiety which I haven't seen in many years, and the other side is the new year, a fresh start, a sweeping away of the last couple of weeks. I keep leaning to the fresh start side, but unfortunately the dark side pulls hard at me. So far I'm resisting. I think only because I have a good support network here. If it wasn't for a few key people, I would have jumped to the dark side of this ridge a couple of days ago. There has to be a silver lining here somewhere.

My brother is not going to be happy that I didn't come north. Neither is my aunt. But really, both of them have more issues than me. Well, more unresolved issues anyway. There isn't much I can do there. There is no funeral or viewing or such. They are simply dealing with possessions and the will and other legal stuff.

It's said that bad things happen in three's, right? Okay, the three things have come and gone. That's it already. Knock it off. Let 2009 start right and fresh and happy.

Happy New Year 2009

Begone 2008, welcome 2009. Here's hoping that 2009 is much better than 2008, especially the end of it.

I spent yesterday at home, having some beers and watching a marathon of "Top Chef". Went to bed at 9:30pm.

This morning, my brother calls and tells me that my father died last night. I consider this as the end of 2008, the last piece of the dysfunctional puzzle.

The last 2 weeks I spent at home with Abbey, making sure he wasn't in pain, that he was comfortable and happy and knew he was loved. When I had to put him down, it was the worst day of my life. I've been crying ever since, miss him crazy and will always love him.

I knew my father was sick but have not made any moves to see him in the last 2.5 years. A few emails in the last month but nothing else. Not sure how I feel right now - relief tops the scale. I'm not sad. I won't spend hours in tears like I have for Abbey.

Part of me thinks this is wrong - to weep so hard for a dog but not for my father. The other part of me realizes that it's impossible to be sad for someone who did nothing but cause you pain.

A home without a dog, too painful to deal with

The last few days have been very difficult. Coming home to an empty, dog-free house is unbelievably hard and heart-wrenching. I haven't been able to put away Abbey's bowls or collars yet - they remain where they always have. I did pick up the blankets and fold them, but haven't removed them from the living room. Last night, I slept with his fleece jacket beside me. It's slight comfort in an otherwise horrible time. It's amazing how much a dog becomes part of your life, infiltrates every minute of the day. I'm lost in the evening - what do you mean I don't have to go out for a walk in the evening? Or have to fight for space to put my legs on the couch? It's just wrong. Last night I decided that I would self-medicate with a baguette, some cheese and pate. Not the healthiest, but oh well. I had the cheese rind scraped off and was turning it around to offer it to Abbey. Nope. No dripping eager nose there to greet me. That hurt. Everything hurts. Not being greeted at the door when I come home. Not having a warm fuzzy body pressed up against me at night.

One of my best friends was supposed to come with me on Monday to the vet's, to offer support and comfort on that horrible day. At midnight the night before, he sends me an email saying he can't come with me, that his accompanying me had become a source of tension between he and his wife. That threw me for a loop. I was pissed off, angry, sad, hurt, confused, you name it. This is someone who has been like a father and brother and best friend to me for years and years and years. The last person in the world who I would have expected to abandon and desert me at such a horrible time. Someone who I never thought would hurt me.

So on top of losing Abbey, I feel like I'm now also losing one of my best friends. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst for the situation. Maybe he has a good reason for reneging on me and I should hear him out. He said that we need to talk and he'll explain. I'm not sure I want to hear the explanations. He says I haven't done anything wrong. Then why WHY do such a shitty thing to me?

I've tried to keep busy in the last couple of days. Spent Monday and yesterday at the gym, just hanging out. I'm too exhausted to train. Yesterday I helped drill metal for the new ring. Today I've come in to work not because I feel like working or have any sort of focus, but simply because I don't want to be at home and don't know what to do. I went to bed around 9pm last night, but didn't sleep well at all. I promised myself I would stop medicating myself with homemade wine - although it helps me sleep, it's not a good cure for pain and only ceases to make my head hurt the next morning. And it's a bad habit to slip into given my genetics. I actually considered driving to Toronto today and dropping in at my brother's place. I chatted with him last night. They are trying to figure out how to explain to my nephew about Abbey. Not easy. I can't even explain it to myself much less a 5 year old.

In Memory of Abbey

Abbey,
You came into my life when I most needed you, at a time when I was lost, uncertain, and needed someone to love, unconditionally. At a time when you needed a forever home, someone to love you unconditionally. When I first saw your photo on the GRA site, you immediately stole my heart - that goofy look that was with you until the end. You were the light of my life, my heart dog, my reason for being even on the darkest days. You taught me how to love again, to be soft and gentle and happy. If any dog and owner can be perfectly matched, I believed it happened to us. I will never forget you. The day you first learned how to master stairs. The day you figured out glass doors. The very first day you play bowed and truly opened up to me. Your first day at camp learning that you couldn't walk on water. The many play sessions in the park, running and wrestling with me, so happy and free. The way you would put out your paw in the middle of the night just to check I was still there, and get a hand in return. So many firsts we went through together and I will never forget you through it all. My big goofy goober boy, I love you so much. I couldn't let you continue in pain so chose to set you free, to run and chase the squirrels forever. The house is so empty, so quiet. So lonely. I don't know what it's like to have the couch or the bed to myself. I don't want it to myself. If I could wave a magic wand and have you back, whole and healthy, I would. I am so, so sorry. You were too young to leave this world. It hurts so bad to lose you, but I will never forget you. You touched so many peoples' hearts - everyone always commented on what an amazing, handsome and social boy you were. In my eyes, you are perfect. We needed each other more than either of us knew. More than I knew, that's for sure. Because now I am empty, lost, and heart-broken. But I am a better person to have had you in my life. The grief I feel now is a direct function of the love I feel for you.

Abbey, I love you, I miss you, I always will, and you will forever be in my heart.

Northern Abbey
25/08/2002 - 29/12/2008

black day

today is a very black day.

i have to put my dog to sleep.

and one of my best friends abandoned me.

what's the point.

Movies and wine

Sitting here drinking home made wine and watching "Bridget Jones, Edge of Reason". For the millionth time. I have read this book, and the previous one, way too many times. I bought both originally in Paris, France, at W.H. Smith, the only really good English bookstore in Paris. I just finished watching "Tropic Thunder" (well worth it) and now this was on, so am catching the finish of it. Again, for the millionth time. Although personally, I think Hugh Grant is much better looking than Colin Firth.

Paris. I'm headed back there in September. Whether for good or bad, I don't know. It might be good to live in another country again. Live, not just travel. And I do miss Paris. I wonder if my apartment is still available? I'll have to email my landlord and find out. Thankfully I never did put those goldfish in her baseboards as Andy suggested. Oh man, I would have loved to though. Especially after the evening I had Francois and Josh over for supper. That would have been perfect. She was evil.

I haven't thought about France in a while. Let's trade one bad situation for another shall we?! It's called avoidance and running away. And I'm damn good at it!! But right now, seems like such an excellent idea. Go to France, eat, drink and be merry. Nope, substitute merry for fucked over.

Okay, yup, a bit squiffy on home made wine, I'll admit. Time to put away the computer and not write emails or blog posts!!!

So. Friday night at the Piilonen residence - homemade Petit Syrah and pay-per-view movies. Not quite sure what else to do actually. In a bit of a mess, unsure what to do about the puppy, trying to get through the holidays without being totally bitter and unhappy.