A return to roots

Intrinsic motivation in informal learning:

• learning for the sake of learning
• learning without the need for external rewards such as marks, promotions, money, social acceptance, etc.

Are all scientists intrinsically motivated in their chosen research area? Is it something common amongst all of us? And what happens when you lose that need to learn for the sake of learning? When those intrinsic motivations turn extrinsic and rewards or money are all that drive you. Is that when it's time to search out another job? Another research area? Go to a science communications course and realize what you were really meant to do in life?

I spent the day at Science North, being a fly on the wall in two lectures for the Science Communications course run jointly between Laurentian and Science North. Once again amongst science communicators, Banffers without the benefit of the Banff experience. Science communicators who are allowed to sleep and process information during the week! But what is the better way? I think the two programs are mutually compatible - the year-long melange of courses and the two-week bootcamp/masters' class.

It's interesting how your life sometimes seems to come full circle. Science North was my starting place. I had a brief discussion with Dave Pearson, which I hope to continue tomorrow, on the "failed scientist" concept. The understanding of that phenonmenon can only be appreciated by those who have experienced it. And Dave understands. Welcome to the darkside young grasshopper.

Alan commented that he wants to hear why Banff changed my life, why it was such an amazing experience. How to tell him? Ah tulips! How to tell him that for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my own skin. That being amongst a group of like-minded individuals who understand inherently the reasons why anyone would want to pursue this type of career path is a very energizing yet calming situation. Mentally calming. That for the first time in my life, I truly was living in the moment, enjoying every second of it. Okay, rose-colored glasses in place since there were some not-so-fun moments during the first couple of days, but we'll leave those out of the pretty picture. How do you fully express those sorts of emotions? Express the fact that it's not just the content, it's the people sharing the experience with you. Fellow Banffers understand. Fellow Banff Centre artists understand. Non-Banffers, even other science communications people won't. It was more than the subject material, the pedagogical learning, the workshops, the assignments. It was a sense of finally being "home", of being with an extended family who accepted you the way you are, even encouraged being a 'failed scientist'. The artist formally known as scientist. You got that one bang-on A, and muchos thanks and hugs as always.

Tomorrow I have to give my talk - part synopsis of the Banff program, part real-life story of a researcher turning into a communicator, not just in the nether regions of the mind, but on paper, in real life and on business cards.

Do your tulips droop?

Who knew. If your tulips are drooping, giving them a shot of vodka or gin will make them stand up straight. One has to wonder if these are the gender-changing tulips from Banff. Ah Tulips! I think the vodka might have made the 3D show a bit more interesting (or would have sent all of us into giggling fits along with A.). I'll never be able to look at tulips again without grinning.

A chilly day up north, perfect for lazing around. Although I should be doing some reading for my talk on Wednesday, there is not quite the right environment here to do so. If I was smart, I'd go and find a coffee place to read in.

I stole this quote from a friend's blog - it seems rather fitting at this point in my life:

"Between letting go (of the old) and successfully launching the new there is a time of confusion and emptiness. People often feel lost during this time, and too often they interpret that lostness as yet another sign that something is wrong. It is simply a sign that they have entered the fertile chaos of the neutral zone" -- William Bridges

PhD's and better sex?

Interesting. Watching CBC Sunday and the researcher on the show says that women with higher education, in particular PhD's, have better orgasms and a higher level of sexual fulfillment. Cool. :)

Thanksgiving weekend, Day 2

After a very long night, it's finally quiet here on the sudbury front. The dog spent the night confused and a bit stressed so had me up half the night as well, until I put him up on the bed at which time he took over my pillow and left me without blankets. But how can you move him when he's finally sleeping and looks so cute?

Trying to catch up on sleep here but it's not working. Just wandering through a friend's blog as well, realizing how similar we actually are (do you realize that analect? your posts from 2005 make so much sense to me). I've spent the last year or so trying to sort myself out, figure out exactly who I am and what I want in life and find myself being drawn to people like the banff group, who share similar thinking patterns. Along with that, I think in the last year I have found myself more closely involved emotionally with more people than I have been in my whole life. Maybe that's why being here is so hard? I'm not emotionally attached to anyone in this city, with the exception of andy. But then he knows me as the real me, not the guarded, defensive sudbury-mask-me. So funny how relationships and personalities work, eh? I spend alot of time thinking of such things, wondering what draws certain people together as friends, what attracts certain people to each other, sometimes the most seemingly unlikely of attractions.

Interesting. Watching a tv show and a point was made that lust, love and committment all come from different areas of the brain. Fact or fiction? And which one should take over at any given point in time? Is there room to have all three play out separately?

Thanksgiving weekend, Day 1

11pm at night and it's the end of Day 1 of the Sudbury Thanksgiving expedition. Turkey and relatives and dessert oh my! Abbey is crashed and exhausted, and I feel the same, although for some reason can't seem to fall asleep. We've been up since early morning, have spent 6 hours driving here (very relaxing actually) and the last 5 hours in the midst of many relatives. Cousins and my brother with young kids, me with a dog. Ho hum. Life of the single dog owner on a long weekend. But such is life. Ah to be the black sheep of the family, I think I'm used to it by now. Tomorrow it's off to the old stomping grounds of Science North to show my nephew around and maybe turn him into a scientist (a geologist since he already collects rocks!). Then maybe a relaxing evening, chilling out with mom and the dog.

What is it with families anyway? Why does returning to your place of birth always mean a regression back to childhood? A feeling that you've never really left, will never be more than the messed up kid that grew up here? Returning north always instills the old insecurities, the feelings of inadequacy, feelings that I just don't fit in. It's strange, to be so confident (ha!) in n0rmal life in Ottawa and then to have that wall smashed down upon returning. Even the idea of giving a talk in front of peers at Science North, that brings back certain old insecurities. Amazing how the mind works. My therapist has suggested that we cut the apron strings a bit, let me try out my new wings on my own for a while. I come upon situations like this, returning to Sudbury, and wonder if that's such a good idea or not. Whether I have the strength to do this on my own. Guard back up, back being watched, I am scheduled to be here for a week and will try my best. In the meantime, I get to renew old acquaintances, see friends and relatives, read up on literature for my new job that I've been meaning to read all week. Still think I need a real vacation though.. These last 6 weeks have been physically and emotionally draining. Hard to believe that I've been back from Banff for over a month. Seems like only yesterday, and then, at times, it seems like another world. I wonder if everyone else feels that way? Has it impacted them all as much? For now, I'll keep my warm fuzzy feeling to myself, protect the inner hedgehog, and move forward, acutely aware that the next 5 days are a test to my inner strength and new-found confidence in life. Let's see how I fair, shall we?

First day in the blog world!

Hello everyone!! This whole blog world is new to me but I figure maybe sooner or later someone might want to read what I'm thinking. Heaven forbid! If nothing else, it's a forum where I can babble to myself and get random thoughts down on the screen.

All of a sudden I find myself a bit at a loss for words. Amazing since usually when I sit down at the keyboard, random acts of babbling occur and I can't seem to make my fingers stop. But then again, seeing as this blog could find its way out to the masses, it has me a bit nervous!

Tomorrow morning marks the annual pilgramage to Sudbury for the Thanksgiving long weekend - food, food, family, more food. Abbey will make his first family appearance, which should prove interesting. Unlike past years, I am spending more days than usual in the North, having been asked to give a talk at Science North for the Laurentian/Science North "science communications" students. Talk about nervous! Although the students won't know me, the other staff scientists and LU people in the audience have known me since I was 16, which in itself is intimidating. I'm looking forward to it though. Preparing the presentation has allowed me to go through all of the Banff photos and all of our readings. Miss all the Banffers as it truly was a life-changing experience for me.