Lobsters and dingleberries

Dingleberry: made of shit

Dinglefritz: full of shit

Had a great time in Truro, Nova Scotia this past weekend, visiting with the Canada-Wide Science Fair 2007 Host Committee and various YSF, NSFC and NJAC reps. It was actually alot of fun - it's not often we all see each other outside the week of chaos in May. Many beers were drunk over 2 days!! A bit of socializing on Friday night, followed by 12 hours of touring around their various facilities - accomodations, exhibit hall, meeting room rooms - and listening to reports from all of their subcommittee Director's. Steve, Chris and Mike should be very proud of themselves and their team - 2007 is going to be a great Fair. I can't wait!! It was interesting to see where they are at, 6 months out - the point we'll be at a year from now. Of all the people at the site visit, I think James and I got the most out of it. We have a shitload of work to do! Nose to the grindstone now and full steam ahead to May 2008.

Sunday was spent shuttling various people back and forth to the airport, and then we went out to Steve's place to visit and check out his horses. He has 200 acres and 8 horses. Fantastic. I've decided that as soon as my loans are paid off, I have to start saving and looking for a ranch. Must have horses.

Did you know that, as a result of the ban on liquids and gels at the airport, if you buy lobsters at the Halifax airport, they pack them in frozen veggies!! They were fantastic though - cooked them up last night and had a feast.

Hedgehog happiness

The inner hedgehog is enveloped by a warm, fuzzy, content feeling tonight. The inner hedgehog responds positively to members of its kind, even if it's just thru a brief phone call.

It's been a bit of a frustrating day, an interesting day, one that has opened my eyes to many things at my work place, which is a good thing.

I had a chance to talk to someone today about "The Cave" at the Banff Centre and the Tulips!. The concept of the Cave and the theatre is fine, but try explaining the story!! Oh my. Apparently it is from a book by Jeanette Winterson. I'm going to have to get this book sometime. I like some of the other writing she has done. One of my favorite quotes is from her, given to me by my big sister:

"The heart beat back so many times that it finds its only home in isolation.The isolated heart, that in protecting itself from pain, loses so much of beauty and buys its survival at the cost of its life."

Crap.

Ever have one of those 10 minutes in an evening where everything is going along fine and then WHAM! You get crushed for some unknown reason except for the fact that the world is way too small of a place?!

A commune. I think that's the answer. A dysfunctional cynical science communicator commune where no one belongs to anyone else, all feelings are out in the open, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Blood donors

This morning, I took Abbey to his first blood donor clinic, operated by LifeStream Animal Blood Bank, organized by Greyhound Supporters of the National Capital Region. What a great initiative!! LifeStream provides blood and blood products to canines all around the world who require transfusions.

Abbey was a great donor. He accepted the needle without hesitation, and promptly lay down on the table. A sample of his blood was extracted initially to determine his blood type [he is DEA 1.1 Positive - (where DEA stands for Dog Erythrocyte Antigens) - only 5% of dogs are this blood type], his hematocrit level (60, excellent for a greyhound - normal dogs have hematocrit levels between 35 and 55), and tested for heartworm (negative). For 19 min, he was then able to relax on the table while 375 mL of blood was removed from his body in the same manner that is done with humans. He was very complacent throughout the procedure, and only became agitated at the end of the session when he knew that 6 of his friends were playing in the living room! In return for his quarterly donation, he will receive free blood transfusions for life, if he ever requires one (hopefully not), a tag for his collar with his blood type, and a complete CBC report (red and white blood cells, platelets) after each donation. His blood will go to help another dog anywhere in the world.

1st French class

J'ai fini, je fini, je vais finir, etc. etc. etc. First day of the start of governmental french class. I think I would have been a little more comprehensible if I hadn't felt so shitty with this cold!! I'm hoping this Sudbury plague is going to break soon. It's amazing how quickly you lose a second language when you don't use it all that much. When I was living in Paris, I was quite fluent, able to hold my own even at the lunch room table and follow the conversation. Now? Yeesh. Where did the knowledge all go? Maybe I should start writing emails to Francois again. No no no no no. Gotta be a better way. :)

Abbey is unbearable tonight - he's whining contstantly, fidgeting, and wants out for a long walk but it's raining and I feel shitty so we went for a short walk. Mr. Whiney Head. He's such a drama queen (king?) at times! He's bored, but won't play with his toys. I'll take him for a run tomorrow morning and hope that gets this boredom out of his system.

Dinos and Neo Citrin

Well, still suffering through this cold here, but with the aid of my good friend Neo Citrin, it seems to be staying at the same intensity and hasn't knocked me off my feet yet.

I came home and slept for 3 hours this afternoon! I was completely exhausted. Spent the afternoon at the university while my students did their midterm exam. Next on the day's agenda was a meeting with Gilles' schools program subcommittee chair. Argh. Chairing a large committee has certainly been a learning experience! I'll stop here otherwise this will turn into a rant. Some days, I'm not worried about CWSF 2008. Other days, well... those are the sleepless ones!! James and I are headed to Truro next weekend for a site visit and Host Committee meetings. I'm hoping this dispels some of my nervousness. Anyone out there want to donate $500,000 to a good cause?!! Youth science!! Come on now, step right up and donate!

Got a really nice email from a Sudbury music friend this morning, put a smile on my face and brought on a warm, fuzzy feeling (no, no Neo Citrin effects!). Good friends, that's what life is all about. In the long run, what else matters?

Myers-Briggs test - ISFP

Back in Ottawa, on the third attempt to travel down the snowy highway. It's still a winter wonderland between Hagar and North Bay, but at least the drive back was sunny and clear. A long drive though - I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffy nose so was fighting fatigue all the way back. It did give me a chance to debrief from the last couple of days. Stopped off at the ballpark to give the puppy a run, then came straight home, unpacked a bit, and then went to get some groceries. Gonna be a short evening - Neo Citrin on the menu for a nightcap! Lots to do in the next couple of weeks, so getting sick is not an option right now - gallery opening, science fair meetings, random talks, and getting my 2nd year midterm exam written.

I took a Myers-Briggs personality test last night and turn out to be "ISFP" - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving = Introverted Feeling with Extroverted Sensing. I think it fits pretty well actually. Thoughts?

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

ISFP Relationships
ISFPs are warmhearted, gentle people who take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships. They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others. This may cause them to constantly defer to their mates in their intimate relationships, which may cause problems if their mates are not extremely aware of the ISFP's feelings. Some ISFPs who are in the habit of not expressing their needs and feelings find themselves in situations throughout their life where they feel overshadowed, overlooked, or even "tread upon" by others. Highly practical and cynical by nature, these feelings may cause the ISFP to become bitter, and to either give up on their relationships, or to start using their relationships for their own personal gain. Although this problem is observed sometimes in the ISFP type, it does not seem to be present in those ISFPs who consistently express their feelings to those closest to them. These ISFPs have a very positive, warm outlook on life and love, and are not as likely to find themselves in relationships where they are taken for granted or taken advantage of. ISFPs go to great lengths to please their partners. They're very loyal and supportive, with a deep capacity for love. They detest conflict and discord, and highly value being seen and understood for who they are. They need space to live their lives in their own unique way, and will respect other's need for space.

ISFP Strengths
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Usually optimistic
Good listeners
Good at dealing with practical day-to-day concerns
Flexible and laid-back, usually willing to defer to their mates
Their love of aesthetic beauty and appreciation for function makes them likely to have attractive, functional homes
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Likely to value and respect other's personal space
Likely to enjoy showing their affection through acts and deeds
Sensuous and earthy

ISFP Weaknesses
Not good at long-range financial (or other) planning
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Focused on enjoying the present moment, they may appear lazy or slow-moving at times
Need to have their own space, and dislike having it invaded
May be slow to show their affection with words
Tendency to hold back their thoughts and feelings, unless drawn out
May become overly cynical and practical

ISFPs as Lovers
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May
ISFPs are warm and giving people, who have a depth of emotion and caring which is not often obvious to others, except those who know them extremely well. They are usually intense people, who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously. Unlike other SP types, people with the ISFP type desire and seek lifelong, committed relationships.
ISFPs may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable then most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations. If the ISFP falls into the habit of not communicating their feelings with their partner, this could cause serious problems in the relationship over the long haul.
Sexually, the ISFP approaches intimacy with complete attention, seriousness and depth. They experience lovemaking through their senses, and welcome the chance to interact with their mate at this level. They are not likely to express their feelings verbally, believing that actions speak louder than words.
ISFPs need positive affirmation to be happy and feel good about themselves. They need to be praised, although they are usually uncomfortable with "gushy" praise. The greatest gift their partners can give them is the expression of their affection and admiration.

Contributions to the team of an ISFP
In a team environment, the ISFP can contribute by:

• solving problems as they arise, especially ones concerning people
• generating team spirit through promoting co-operation, and engendering a quiet sense of fun
• ensuring the well-being of team members
• being accurate and observant about facts, without putting too much interpretation on them
• modelling flexibility - e.g.: suggesting his/her own ideas, but being considerate of others points of view and going with the majority
• paying attention to the people side of the problem

The potential ways in which an ISFP can irritate others include:

• being too concerned with harmony in the group
• not pushing the ISFP's own ideas and contribution enough
• being stubborn over issues the group did not anticipate being a problem
• avoiding conflict and not giving forthright criticism when it is needed
• focusing so much on interpersonal issues that cost and other impersonal considerations are not adequately addressed
• perhaps failing to take a longer term view
• taking people at face value and not recognising underlying motives

Personal Growth

As with all types, the ISFP can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:

• being prepared to declare the ISFP's personal values
• interpreting the facts they observe to reveal hidden meanings
• undertaking a critical appraisal of a situation or person, and expressing disagreement or criticism when it could be of value to the recipient
• establishing a long term goal, developing a outline plan for achieving it, and working towards it
• listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis

Recognising Stress
As stress increases, 'learned behaviour' tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISFP will behave more according to type when under greater stress. For example, in a crisis, the ISFP might:

concentrate on what the ISFP sees as important

work alone if possible

act impulsively and take risks

fail to consider the cost implications

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the ISFP's shadow may appear - a negative form of ENTJ. Example characteristics are:

• being very critical and finding fault with almost everything
• becoming bossy and ignoring others' feelings
• having a very pessimistic view of the future
• see hidden meanings that are not really there

The shadow is part of the unconscious that is often visible to others, onto whom the shadow is projected. The ISFP may therefore readily see these faults in others without recognising it in him/her self.

Winter comes early to the north

Snowed-in in Sudbury still. I tried to leave this morning - got as far as Hagar (for you non-Sudbury people, that's about 45 km up Hwy 17 East) and discovered blizzard conditions, white-outs, and the highway covered in snow and slush. Needless to say, as much as I would like to get home today, and even though I have my snowtires on, I was not prepared to spent 6 hours fighting my way through white-outs just to get back in time for ball hockey. I turned around and came back to spend one more night here. Boredom has set in. The dog is ancy and bored as well as it's pouring rain and sleet here so going for a walk isn't terribly fun or comfortable.

Of communicators and musicians

Currently snowed in in Sudbury - blizzard conditions on and off here, and the highways north are closed due to an accident and white-out conditions. Conditions headed east to Ottawa are not much better and snow squall warnings are in effect in North Bay. Thus, I'm spending one more day in Sudbury, catching up on email and reading.

The last two days have been a completely cathartic experience, in a good way. I spent the entire day at Science North yesterday, once again sitting in on the lectures for the science communications program. This time, a lecture on values given by Dr. Dave, which raised alot of interesting points and I've come away with a pile of reading. Lunch again in Landings, this time surrounded by staff scientists who I've known for years - Alan, Jennifer, Nicole, Franco, Chantal. It was a homecoming experience! I was trying to calculate how long I've known these people for - about 15 years. Time flies. I took the opportunity after to visit Andy at the university after being at SN - a common link between Sudbury and Ottawa, the one person who has followed me through that transition.

My talk in the afternoon, all 1.5 hours of it, was partially for the students' benefit, partially for my own benefit in needing to get Banff out in the open, sharing my experience with other science communicators who understand, who can appreciate the topics and knowledge gained. It was an excellent way to set everything straight in my mind as it forced me to step back and summarize the main messages that we learned. My method of doing this was taking our manifesto and creating three main sub-manifestos: Be a scientist, Evoke emotion, and Be aware of your audience. Within those three subgroupings, I was able to stress individual points and give examples. I very much enjoyed having the opportunity to present not only to the students, but to Chantal and Dave as well. I'm very glad that they invited me and look forward to working with them in the future.

In the evening, I switched gears entirely and went to Lasalle Secondary to the Brass Choir practice. Talk about a time warp!! I haven't been into my old alma mata in many, many years. I walked into the upstairs music room to find Roger there (who now conducts the Brass Choir) and it evoked a whole slew of emotions, all good, all comforting. I'm not going to gloss anything over and say that highschool was the most amazing experience, as it wasn't - I was a pretty messed up kid in highschool!! But the music department saved me, it was home for me, with students and teachers alike as close friends. 15 years later, both Dick and Roger are the ones who I still see, still talk to, and last night made me realize how much I miss being around both of them regularly. It comes back to realizing how important close friends are to me, and these two have been with me through good and bad for many, many years and I feel a great deal of affection and emotion when I do see them.

More later.

A return to roots

Intrinsic motivation in informal learning:

• learning for the sake of learning
• learning without the need for external rewards such as marks, promotions, money, social acceptance, etc.

Are all scientists intrinsically motivated in their chosen research area? Is it something common amongst all of us? And what happens when you lose that need to learn for the sake of learning? When those intrinsic motivations turn extrinsic and rewards or money are all that drive you. Is that when it's time to search out another job? Another research area? Go to a science communications course and realize what you were really meant to do in life?

I spent the day at Science North, being a fly on the wall in two lectures for the Science Communications course run jointly between Laurentian and Science North. Once again amongst science communicators, Banffers without the benefit of the Banff experience. Science communicators who are allowed to sleep and process information during the week! But what is the better way? I think the two programs are mutually compatible - the year-long melange of courses and the two-week bootcamp/masters' class.

It's interesting how your life sometimes seems to come full circle. Science North was my starting place. I had a brief discussion with Dave Pearson, which I hope to continue tomorrow, on the "failed scientist" concept. The understanding of that phenonmenon can only be appreciated by those who have experienced it. And Dave understands. Welcome to the darkside young grasshopper.

Alan commented that he wants to hear why Banff changed my life, why it was such an amazing experience. How to tell him? Ah tulips! How to tell him that for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my own skin. That being amongst a group of like-minded individuals who understand inherently the reasons why anyone would want to pursue this type of career path is a very energizing yet calming situation. Mentally calming. That for the first time in my life, I truly was living in the moment, enjoying every second of it. Okay, rose-colored glasses in place since there were some not-so-fun moments during the first couple of days, but we'll leave those out of the pretty picture. How do you fully express those sorts of emotions? Express the fact that it's not just the content, it's the people sharing the experience with you. Fellow Banffers understand. Fellow Banff Centre artists understand. Non-Banffers, even other science communications people won't. It was more than the subject material, the pedagogical learning, the workshops, the assignments. It was a sense of finally being "home", of being with an extended family who accepted you the way you are, even encouraged being a 'failed scientist'. The artist formally known as scientist. You got that one bang-on A, and muchos thanks and hugs as always.

Tomorrow I have to give my talk - part synopsis of the Banff program, part real-life story of a researcher turning into a communicator, not just in the nether regions of the mind, but on paper, in real life and on business cards.

Do your tulips droop?

Who knew. If your tulips are drooping, giving them a shot of vodka or gin will make them stand up straight. One has to wonder if these are the gender-changing tulips from Banff. Ah Tulips! I think the vodka might have made the 3D show a bit more interesting (or would have sent all of us into giggling fits along with A.). I'll never be able to look at tulips again without grinning.

A chilly day up north, perfect for lazing around. Although I should be doing some reading for my talk on Wednesday, there is not quite the right environment here to do so. If I was smart, I'd go and find a coffee place to read in.

I stole this quote from a friend's blog - it seems rather fitting at this point in my life:

"Between letting go (of the old) and successfully launching the new there is a time of confusion and emptiness. People often feel lost during this time, and too often they interpret that lostness as yet another sign that something is wrong. It is simply a sign that they have entered the fertile chaos of the neutral zone" -- William Bridges

PhD's and better sex?

Interesting. Watching CBC Sunday and the researcher on the show says that women with higher education, in particular PhD's, have better orgasms and a higher level of sexual fulfillment. Cool. :)

Thanksgiving weekend, Day 2

After a very long night, it's finally quiet here on the sudbury front. The dog spent the night confused and a bit stressed so had me up half the night as well, until I put him up on the bed at which time he took over my pillow and left me without blankets. But how can you move him when he's finally sleeping and looks so cute?

Trying to catch up on sleep here but it's not working. Just wandering through a friend's blog as well, realizing how similar we actually are (do you realize that analect? your posts from 2005 make so much sense to me). I've spent the last year or so trying to sort myself out, figure out exactly who I am and what I want in life and find myself being drawn to people like the banff group, who share similar thinking patterns. Along with that, I think in the last year I have found myself more closely involved emotionally with more people than I have been in my whole life. Maybe that's why being here is so hard? I'm not emotionally attached to anyone in this city, with the exception of andy. But then he knows me as the real me, not the guarded, defensive sudbury-mask-me. So funny how relationships and personalities work, eh? I spend alot of time thinking of such things, wondering what draws certain people together as friends, what attracts certain people to each other, sometimes the most seemingly unlikely of attractions.

Interesting. Watching a tv show and a point was made that lust, love and committment all come from different areas of the brain. Fact or fiction? And which one should take over at any given point in time? Is there room to have all three play out separately?

Thanksgiving weekend, Day 1

11pm at night and it's the end of Day 1 of the Sudbury Thanksgiving expedition. Turkey and relatives and dessert oh my! Abbey is crashed and exhausted, and I feel the same, although for some reason can't seem to fall asleep. We've been up since early morning, have spent 6 hours driving here (very relaxing actually) and the last 5 hours in the midst of many relatives. Cousins and my brother with young kids, me with a dog. Ho hum. Life of the single dog owner on a long weekend. But such is life. Ah to be the black sheep of the family, I think I'm used to it by now. Tomorrow it's off to the old stomping grounds of Science North to show my nephew around and maybe turn him into a scientist (a geologist since he already collects rocks!). Then maybe a relaxing evening, chilling out with mom and the dog.

What is it with families anyway? Why does returning to your place of birth always mean a regression back to childhood? A feeling that you've never really left, will never be more than the messed up kid that grew up here? Returning north always instills the old insecurities, the feelings of inadequacy, feelings that I just don't fit in. It's strange, to be so confident (ha!) in n0rmal life in Ottawa and then to have that wall smashed down upon returning. Even the idea of giving a talk in front of peers at Science North, that brings back certain old insecurities. Amazing how the mind works. My therapist has suggested that we cut the apron strings a bit, let me try out my new wings on my own for a while. I come upon situations like this, returning to Sudbury, and wonder if that's such a good idea or not. Whether I have the strength to do this on my own. Guard back up, back being watched, I am scheduled to be here for a week and will try my best. In the meantime, I get to renew old acquaintances, see friends and relatives, read up on literature for my new job that I've been meaning to read all week. Still think I need a real vacation though.. These last 6 weeks have been physically and emotionally draining. Hard to believe that I've been back from Banff for over a month. Seems like only yesterday, and then, at times, it seems like another world. I wonder if everyone else feels that way? Has it impacted them all as much? For now, I'll keep my warm fuzzy feeling to myself, protect the inner hedgehog, and move forward, acutely aware that the next 5 days are a test to my inner strength and new-found confidence in life. Let's see how I fair, shall we?

First day in the blog world!

Hello everyone!! This whole blog world is new to me but I figure maybe sooner or later someone might want to read what I'm thinking. Heaven forbid! If nothing else, it's a forum where I can babble to myself and get random thoughts down on the screen.

All of a sudden I find myself a bit at a loss for words. Amazing since usually when I sit down at the keyboard, random acts of babbling occur and I can't seem to make my fingers stop. But then again, seeing as this blog could find its way out to the masses, it has me a bit nervous!

Tomorrow morning marks the annual pilgramage to Sudbury for the Thanksgiving long weekend - food, food, family, more food. Abbey will make his first family appearance, which should prove interesting. Unlike past years, I am spending more days than usual in the North, having been asked to give a talk at Science North for the Laurentian/Science North "science communications" students. Talk about nervous! Although the students won't know me, the other staff scientists and LU people in the audience have known me since I was 16, which in itself is intimidating. I'm looking forward to it though. Preparing the presentation has allowed me to go through all of the Banff photos and all of our readings. Miss all the Banffers as it truly was a life-changing experience for me.