11pm at night and it's the end of Day 1 of the Sudbury Thanksgiving expedition. Turkey and relatives and dessert oh my! Abbey is crashed and exhausted, and I feel the same, although for some reason can't seem to fall asleep. We've been up since early morning, have spent 6 hours driving here (very relaxing actually) and the last 5 hours in the midst of many relatives. Cousins and my brother with young kids, me with a dog. Ho hum. Life of the single dog owner on a long weekend. But such is life. Ah to be the black sheep of the family, I think I'm used to it by now. Tomorrow it's off to the old stomping grounds of Science North to show my nephew around and maybe turn him into a scientist (a geologist since he already collects rocks!). Then maybe a relaxing evening, chilling out with mom and the dog.
What is it with families anyway? Why does returning to your place of birth always mean a regression back to childhood? A feeling that you've never really left, will never be more than the messed up kid that grew up here? Returning north always instills the old insecurities, the feelings of inadequacy, feelings that I just don't fit in. It's strange, to be so confident (ha!) in n0rmal life in Ottawa and then to have that wall smashed down upon returning. Even the idea of giving a talk in front of peers at Science North, that brings back certain old insecurities. Amazing how the mind works. My therapist has suggested that we cut the apron strings a bit, let me try out my new wings on my own for a while. I come upon situations like this, returning to Sudbury, and wonder if that's such a good idea or not. Whether I have the strength to do this on my own. Guard back up, back being watched, I am scheduled to be here for a week and will try my best. In the meantime, I get to renew old acquaintances, see friends and relatives, read up on literature for my new job that I've been meaning to read all week. Still think I need a real vacation though.. These last 6 weeks have been physically and emotionally draining. Hard to believe that I've been back from Banff for over a month. Seems like only yesterday, and then, at times, it seems like another world. I wonder if everyone else feels that way? Has it impacted them all as much? For now, I'll keep my warm fuzzy feeling to myself, protect the inner hedgehog, and move forward, acutely aware that the next 5 days are a test to my inner strength and new-found confidence in life. Let's see how I fair, shall we?
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