cursing genetics!!!

Genetics. It can deal you a great hand, or it can screw you over! In some ways, I have good genetics - no major physical health history except diabetes and obesity, but in other ways, I'm cursed. Cursed by bad mental health on both sides of my family tree - depression, anxiety. Either recognized or ignore, but it's there. And apparently, at this point in my life, I'm powerless in the fight to keep it at bay. Without meds that is. The last 2 weeks being 'clean' of anti-depressants has left me feeling like I'm in permanent PMS mode - anxious, easily angered, stressing about things that aren't in my control, and being paranoid about inter-personal relationships. As such, this morning I decided to 'self-medicate' and went back on a 10 mg doseage. I have an appointment with my doctor next week anyway (to have her check my wrist), so will talk to her about my wonderfully fucked up brain chemistry!!!

Ah genetics. Gotta love it. Bad brain chemistry, no ass, weight gain around the middle. Peachy.

I can also tell I'm headed back into depressive habits when I start blogging again! That's always a good indication.

I gave a talk at the Young Toronto Mineralogists Club this weekend, at the science centre. It was a great time! 30 kids and their parents, and a few adults I know who I haven't seen in a while, which was great. I brought Rob, Liana and Luke along with me, tried to get Luke into the minerals. Brian and Mary had me over for supper that evening, which was actually alot of fun. Dave was there as well. Sunday, I stopped in Kingston on the way home and had a chat with Brad about picking gem rough while in Thailand/Cambodia. It's not going to be easy! But I hope to get some material that will be good enough for cutting for myself and Bob.


Today was Day 1 of the STAN conference. I have mixed feelings with regards to this organization. We had a short round-table discussion on the best ways to measure metrics for the group, but the one big road block I see is that the organization doesn't seem to have a solid mandate or goal! It's hard to measure metrics for something when you don't know what you want to achieve. STAN is essentially an advocacy group for all NPO and some for-profit groups in the country dealing with youth science, or science education in general. One of main problems is that although we all want to work together, we also all have to compete for the same pot of money. A pot of money that decreases continuously every year.

Still writing, which means the hedgehogs are still running rampant and therefore the thoughts are inside but not coming out.

contemplating life... again

So it's been about 2 weeks since I've been off anti-depressants entirely, and I'm wondering if it's maybe not something I should go back on. At my doctor's discretion, I took my dosage down from 40 mg, to 20 mg, to 10 mg, and then to zero. But I find myself easily frustrated, angered, and generally on edge and snappy lately. I can't relate that to hormonal changes, so I'm wondering if either I'm just in general stressed, or anxious and need to at least be on a 10 mg dose. I would rather not be on any dose, but I guess the alternative (driving everyone else around me crazy) is worse.

I've been fairly introverted lately as a result - I haven't wanted to get into many in-depth conversations, share any deep feelings. I attempted to once this week, share the thoughts on an experience that shook me a bit, taught me something about person-to-person interaction, and I think it might have landed me in trouble. Why is that? I'm never sure who in my life can take a more honest, deep observation, and who might simply look at me as if I'm fucking nuts.

I'm off to Toronto this weekend, both a good and bad thing. Although I think I need a few "Paula days" as a friend put it. I'm over-trained, tired, stressed-out, and somewhat emotionally unstable right now. The last few weekends have been hectic (not in a bad way, but still busy) and I haven't had time to simply relax. Tuesday morning, I crashed. I slept in. I couldn't help it. I needed the sleep. It only occurred to me that I've been training non-stop since last Thursday without a day off (including the Ajarn Chai seminar this weekend). I've got one wrist that is completely fucked up as a result of grappling and holding pads. It started with a rough hold by someone in our csw class who I absolutely hate wrestling with (he wrecked my shoulder a couple of months back and I spent 2 months not able to sleep on that side) and the pain has gotten worse. I'm unsure whether it's broken or simply sprained badly, but alas, it hurts like a bitch. And it's my own fucking fault for continuing to use it and train. Screw it though, I need to train to make sure my mind stays calm.

Argh.

Just having one of those days. One of those weeks! I'm frustrated. Relationships are confusing me entirely.

Work is confusing me and a source of frustration. Even training lately confuses me, which should be the simplest of all, but in reality it's not! It's easy at the beginning. It's harder when you become more serious. I want to fight more. I want to train hard, work hard, fight hard. Am I the right person to want to be able to do that though, that's the question.

Sigh.

So off to Toronto tomorrow, which means missing another weekend of Kali and BJJ, which totally sucks, and a weekend of having to be social.

Amateur Muay Thai Record: 0-1; post-fight analysis

Howdy folks, and welcome to the post-fight analysis part of this blog!!

I had my first amateur Muay Thai fight on Saturday, Oct 13th. It was held at L'Academie Sportive in Montreal, as part of the Quebec Olympic Boxing championships. They had a full afternoon of Thai fighting in amongst the regular boxing.

In the days leading up to the fight, fighting was not actually my worry! Making weight was! That shouldn't have been too much of a worry, but of course, it was. In the end, the worry was for nothing and I weighed in fine for the 150 lbs limit (67.8 kilos). But the last week I was on a diet of salad and tuna and a regime of long, slow distances on the stationary bike at the gym! I was giddy a good portion of Wednesday and Thursday, attempting to not drive myself bonkers thinking about the fight, and doing my best to use positive visualization techniques to imagine myself winning.

I drove down to Montreal on Friday, knowing full well that, being a horrible morning person, the cost of a hotel room was very much worth the security in knowing that I didn't have to drive 2 hours pre-fight, worry about traffic, the weather, etc. Turned out to be a good idea as the hotel had a sauna, pool, and I got a very good night's sleep. I was weighing 153 lbs when I got to the hotel, so spent a few hours doing a salt-bath that evening to get rid of some water weight. What's a salt-bath you say? Only a very, very boring 2 hours spent in a saturated solution of table salt to draw water out of your body by osmosis! 2 hours in the bath tub is not fun. But it's a bit more bearable than going in and out of a sauna! And you can read in the tub. Once out of the bath, I watched tv, relaxed, and tried not to think about the fight that morning. I did have a dream that evening that I completely forgot how to punch and kick! But otherwise I slept quite soundly, which surprised me.

Saturday morning, I got up at 7am and weighed myself: 149 lbs - Woo hoo!! I went back to bed for another 1.5 hours to get some more sleep. At this point in time, I was very hungry and also very thirsty! Being used to 4-6 litres of water per day, cutting fluid intake for a day was a shock for me. But it worked for making weight. And catching up on fluid with 3 hours between weigh-ins and the fight wasn't a problem.

After dressing, packing, and repacking my gear to make sure everything was there (head gear, mouth guard, shin protectors, gauze, tape, you name it), I called the valet service to get my car out of the garage (again, another perk to staying at a nice hotel!!). L'Academie Sportive was a couple of blocks east of my hotel, a short drive. I found the gym, parked the car and went inside. The lady at the desk didn't seem to understand what was going on, so I hung out a bit until a few other fighters showed up. We were all congregated around the main fight venue doors until 10:10am when they finally started the weigh-ins in a different room.

Kruu Bob and Wendy showed up around 9:50am, and I was very, VERY happy to see them! Up until then, I was nervously standing around, listening to my iPod and avoiding everything else. It was so nice to see a smiling face; even better, the smiling face of your instructor!

Weigh-ins got started, forms for medical purposes were filled out, I weighed in and that was it! I scarfed down a protein bar, at which point in time Kru decided that breakfast was in order. We tossed my gear into his car and headed across the street to a diner which had pancakes and high-carb items on the menu. Kru was adamant that I throw back a breakfast with alot of carbs and it had to be pancakes or waffles. It was hilarious - I've never had anyone practically force-feed me pancakes before!! I ordered this huge plate with waffles, bananas and chocolate syrup, and alot of coffee. The three of us sat and chatted and had breakfast for an hour or so, which was very enjoyable - talking about Thailand, Cambodia, travel plans for December and January.

We headed back to the gym and found the warm-up "room" for the red corner - a small storage room off the gymnasium itself. The fights were being held in a gymnasium with the ring elevated in the centre of the gym. It was questionable whether we had walked into a fight or a rave!!! Disco lights and rave/dance music seems to be the choice of 'ambience' for Montreal fights!!

The next 2 hours or so were a mix of prepping for the fight, warming up, and attempting to stay calm and energized all at the same time! Not an easy feat. Kruu Bob wrapped my hands with gauze and tape (not the knuckles though) and warmed me up easy on the pads. He also tapped my shin guards in place so they wouldn't wobble around during the fight. These weren't my standard shin guards - these were simple foam ones I bought last week that would allow for a much more penetrating shin and more pain. :)


I think the worst part of the whole fight scene is sitting/standing around waiting. I was 3rd on the card (although you wouldn't be able to tell from the names as somehow they got my name spelled horribly as "Paola Phillina" - the worst rendition of my name I have ever seen!!!). Fights were supposed to start at Noon, but the promoters kept putting it off and putting it off. We finally got started around 1pm, and they cancelled the 2nd fight so I was up 2nd on the card.

Dom and Kurt from the Academy showed up, which was fantastic, so Kruu asked Kurt to be his assistant in the corner (in prep for Dom's pro fight in Montreal November 10th). The ring assistants came by with the gloves for the fight - 10 oz gloves!! Small little things! Awesome though - Rival brand and I really liked them (thinking of getting a heavier pair myself). 10 oz gloves weigh nothing when you're used to 12 oz and 16 oz!! Kruu tied them on and then taped the laces in front of the assistant. He then put on my headgear and greased up my face, massaging my nose to get the airways open so I could breathe well. Then, more waiting. A bit more light pad work. When the first fight went on, I started to get really nervous!! No turning back now!!!

As the first fight ended, we walked to the red corner of the ring, preparing to enter. Kruu Bob held down the ropes for me and I hopped over top (hoping to hell I didn't miss and wind up flat on my ass!). I did a modified/shortened Wai Kru (three bows and then sealed the ring), winding up back in my corner. At that point in time, I stood in my corner, bowing, and Kruu put his hands on my head, forehead to my forehead, and we stayed like that for a bit of time. I'm not one to ever believe in energy transfers, etc., but I must admit that this act, the head-to-head quiet moment, was one of the most calming experiences I have ever had. Seriously. It felt like any nervous tension I had was drawn out of me and I knew at that point that all would be ok as I had support of my Kruu and he believed in me. I know, sounds strange, but I really did undergo a sort of transition at that moment.

I'm not entirely sure I can re-cap each individual round. There were punches and kicks and alot of clinching, more kicks, some punches, etc., but exact details, I'm not able to give. You can see the fight video at www.youtube.com/Piila2 . All in all, I didn't get hurt. Yes, I got punched a couple of times HARD, but nothing that really rocked me. I think I landed many more hard blows than she did, and I'm convinced she was probably hurting the next day. What shocked me was how absolutely GASSED I was half-way through the first round. Okay, my cardio is good, so I know that wasn't the issue. I was shocked at how much nervous tension can take out of you. It completely zaps your energy and left me flat-footed and shocked. Half-way through the first round, I simply stopped. Kruu Bob says it looked like I had blanked out for a bit, but I was actually thinking. I simply wanted to hit "pause" and regroup! Everything was happening way too fast - too spastic. I could hear him yelling at me to throw punches or kick, but my brain seemed to pause. It finally started up again, but it was an interesting 20 or 30 seconds of dead time!!

In the 3rd round, about 30 seconds in, I had her on the ropes and threw a couple of punches. I got her with a left hook at which point she spun away and dropped her head. I chose that time (consciously or subconsciously) to land a straight knee right into her head. Ooops. Knees to the head weren't allowed. And followed it up with a right cross square on her head as well. Until I saw the video, I didn't even know what had happened - I think I simply caught her with the right cross. So did Kruu Bob and Kurt.

She dropped to the ground, crawled over to her corner and sobbed there. The ref counted to 8, then her corner bitched and complained, so they stood her up and gave her some more time. Meanwhile, I'm standing in the neutral corner wondering what the hell is going on! Then the ref turns to me and motions that I've got a point taken away from me, which I still didn't understand why.

Once we finally got going again, I just laid into her. I managed to teep her IN THE FACE! Twice!! Personally, I was impressed! I didn't think I could teep that high! Woo hoo!

My opponent was awarded the fight on points, a split decision. Although I would have liked to win, I must say that the experience was completely worth it, and losing means that I have learned alot and have alot to work on before my next fight!!

A couple of things I was happy with:

1. I could hear my corner the entire time. I even managed to listen and implement Kruu's yelled orders during the rounds a couple of times. I didn't fight deaf to my corner, and that I'm very happy with.

2. I used combinations throughout.

3. I actually shielded kicks!

Things I need to work on:

1. My hands were dropped WAY too far down!! Very, very bad.
2. Charging. I rush my opponent and need to wait for them more.
3. Returning attacks off of my defense - need to do more.
4. Feet all strung out - a result of charging.
5. Kicks - I like kicking to the legs and don't seem to aim for the body enough.
6. Need more body shots and stop relying so much on right hooks.
7. More effective clinch position - knees weren't landing on target.

First amateur Muay Thai fight on Oct 13th!

Okay folks, the day we've all been waiting for is upon us! Well, the day I'VE been waiting for anyway!! Kruu got a call from L'Academie Sportif in Montreal on Wednesday and they need a female fighter at 150 lbs (68 kilos) for next Saturday, Oct 13th. It's a full weekend of fights, mainly boxing, but they are putting on an afternoon of Thai fights as well, which is going to be great! My first fight! I'm so fucking hyped up. As soon as Kruu Bob asked me, I agreed! He made sure to let me know that I've never been hit HARD and that I'd have to spar stupidly hard a few times to make sure I knew what it feels like to be rocked, but he was supportive! So away we go! Only issue is that I'm 5 lbs over 150 lbs so have to shed that weight this week. No problem. A few saunas and a bit of a food restriction and I should be fine. I am overly-hydrated most of the time, so losing a few lbs to water is not going to be a huge deal.

This is so amazing. I've been waiting for a fight for a while and am just raring to get in there and bang. My goal is a knock-out. No three rounds bullshit - that chick is going down HARD! Kruu Bob was giving me the low down on the plans for this week (training, eating, protection, etc.) and his main two instructions were:

1. "Rip her fucking head off!! Just go in there and rip it off!!"
2. Be calm, cool, confident, relaxed.

I like the "rip her fucking head off" part of it. That's hilarious. That's the plan!! If I can end this soon, prove that I can be calm and then unlease the power that both of us know I have, then it puts me in a good position to be fighting more in Quebec in the next while. The majority of the female fights in Ontario are sanctioned under CASK and since we won't join CASK, I have to start thinking outside the province. Or the USA. The next TBA Open will be in June and I definitely want to fight in that.

So!! This week it's all about protein, healthy carbs and losing weight. Wooo hoo! The last day I'm allowed to train is Tuesday, with light timing sparring on Wednesday. Then 2 full days off (which will of course be spent in anticipation!). Weigh-ins are Saturday morning at 10am, then I have 2.5 hours to rehydrate and eat. I fight at 12:30pm, in the red corner. Can't fucking wait! And Kruu Bob is coming down to corner for me, rather than one of our assistants, which is so amazing. Although it makes me very nervous! I don't want to disappoint him at all - want him to be proud of me and let me fight again for him!

This week is going to be brutal. Already, my mind is completely focused on the fight and nothing else. I'm in Sudbury right now, and when I go out for runs here, my mind turns off and goes into fight mode - shadow boxing during the 1 minute walk breaks, practicing footwork, etc. It's been hard being here and having to be eating healthy on a holiday weekend, not being able to have wine, etc. What's worse is having to ignore all the comments surrounding the fight, training, etc - the "why do you do this? why are you interested in fighting? why do you have a black eye and bruised up legs?". And the looks. The looks that I'm insane. No one here seems to understand why I do Muay Thai. At least at home my friends understand. Some of them don't like it, but they understand and would not think about expressing negative thoughts (unless they were as a joke).

Anyway, awesome!! 5 days til the fight. Can't wait. The girl I'm fighting doesn't have as much experience as me. But I'm not feeling cocky. I know better NOT to be cocky or I'll get knocked out. I plan to go in that ring, come out fighting, bang hard, knock her out, and then enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.

The gym I'm training at in Phuket, Thailand (Tiger Muay Thai) is going to find me a fight while I'm there as well. But that that point in time, I want to fight at 140 lbs (63 kilos). But that's a long way away. My nutritionist isn't sure I can be that light. That would put me at about 11% body fat, quite low for a female. 145 lbs is probably more realistic to be walking around at. Maybe 140 lbs with cutting water.

Okay, bed time here. I want to leave early to head back to Ottawa. More later!