contemplating life... again

So it's been about 2 weeks since I've been off anti-depressants entirely, and I'm wondering if it's maybe not something I should go back on. At my doctor's discretion, I took my dosage down from 40 mg, to 20 mg, to 10 mg, and then to zero. But I find myself easily frustrated, angered, and generally on edge and snappy lately. I can't relate that to hormonal changes, so I'm wondering if either I'm just in general stressed, or anxious and need to at least be on a 10 mg dose. I would rather not be on any dose, but I guess the alternative (driving everyone else around me crazy) is worse.

I've been fairly introverted lately as a result - I haven't wanted to get into many in-depth conversations, share any deep feelings. I attempted to once this week, share the thoughts on an experience that shook me a bit, taught me something about person-to-person interaction, and I think it might have landed me in trouble. Why is that? I'm never sure who in my life can take a more honest, deep observation, and who might simply look at me as if I'm fucking nuts.

I'm off to Toronto this weekend, both a good and bad thing. Although I think I need a few "Paula days" as a friend put it. I'm over-trained, tired, stressed-out, and somewhat emotionally unstable right now. The last few weekends have been hectic (not in a bad way, but still busy) and I haven't had time to simply relax. Tuesday morning, I crashed. I slept in. I couldn't help it. I needed the sleep. It only occurred to me that I've been training non-stop since last Thursday without a day off (including the Ajarn Chai seminar this weekend). I've got one wrist that is completely fucked up as a result of grappling and holding pads. It started with a rough hold by someone in our csw class who I absolutely hate wrestling with (he wrecked my shoulder a couple of months back and I spent 2 months not able to sleep on that side) and the pain has gotten worse. I'm unsure whether it's broken or simply sprained badly, but alas, it hurts like a bitch. And it's my own fucking fault for continuing to use it and train. Screw it though, I need to train to make sure my mind stays calm.

Argh.

Just having one of those days. One of those weeks! I'm frustrated. Relationships are confusing me entirely.

Work is confusing me and a source of frustration. Even training lately confuses me, which should be the simplest of all, but in reality it's not! It's easy at the beginning. It's harder when you become more serious. I want to fight more. I want to train hard, work hard, fight hard. Am I the right person to want to be able to do that though, that's the question.

Sigh.

So off to Toronto tomorrow, which means missing another weekend of Kali and BJJ, which totally sucks, and a weekend of having to be social.