diet, training and stress... and relationships

This morning was difficult. I think I will have to start ready the Sports Psychology book that my nutritionist gave me. My mind currently has one focus - April 26th. Fight. Nothing else. Well, that's not true - the science fair comes a close second, often reaching into 1st place depending on the day.

My entire day is focused on eating properly, taking in enough food to function but small enough quantities to lose sufficient weight, and training efficiently. Train, eat, train, eat, train. And sleep. Sleep has become a very important activity. 9-10 hours per day minimum.

Given this, training sessions have become personal challenges. If I'm "off", I feel horrible and the snark in my head takes over and starts to insist that I'm tired, weak, better of doing something a bit more relaxing, or simply that I can't finish the round properly. It becomes a mental game - the rational, well-trained me against the snark. Wednesday's class was this way and I was bouncing between fighting off tears of frustration and tears of desperation in needing to work my ass off.

Yesterday, I discovered that I cannot switch gears into another martial art easily when in this head state. Silat was impossible and I was moving like shit (confirmed later on by Kru!). This morning, same thing. I was frustrated and mentally tired. I don't like it when my body won't do what I want it to. Granted, my mind is not ready to focus on Silat instead of Muay Thai right now either. But I figure I should be able to multi-task and switch gears. Apparently not. I can deal with myself, but I hate looking over and seeing that look of either disappointment or frustration on Kru's face. I don't like disappointing anyone, and that's even more frustrating! Back to fighting tears. Thankfully, this morning the snark was yet awake so didn't have its say. In the state of fighting back tears of frustration, being subjected to repeated painful moves (wrist locks and nasty quad compressions), simply brings on more water works. Which in itself is both embarrassing and frustrating!!! It's a martial art for fuck's sake, pain is going to happen. Grow up and take it like a fighter! But no, female hormones and mentality take over and all thoughts of being big and strong get thrown out the window. The snark did come back by the end of the session, wondering what the hell I'm attempting to do, that I simply suck at this. These feelings start melting their way into my Thai work too, and I wonder where I'm really at - do I have the talent and/or training to be fighting.

Thankfully, I felt a bit redeemed after rolling for an hour or so. Although got beat up pretty good after I said something that apparently sounded like a swear. Still trying to figure this one out actually. Instead of banging the bag afterwards, I came home, did laundry, relaxed, walked the dog, etc. It's what I needed. Somewhat of a "rest day" so I figure I can do some cardio tomorrow.

Back to the grind! 4 weeks exactly until my fight. Let's get this show on the road.

I've been thinking alot about a friend of mine who I've known for 15 years, during which time our relationship has changed and evolved and morphed and grown into something really great. We started off as teacher-student and, through everything, are now best of friends. But the first years were hard - more or less a feeling each other out stage, deciding on boundaries, being cautious. I was intimidated by him for years and years. I actually was convinced that he really didn't like me for the longest time. But even with these insecurities, I always knew that this was a person who would never leave my life, who would be increasingly important to me in everything I did, from personal to professional. I knew that at an early point in time. And it's true. He's one of the most important people in my life right now, has been for years, and someone I trust wholeheartedly. But it's taken a long time for both of us to come to this point. It's been worth it though.

Why have I been thinking about this evolutionary relationship? Primarily because I think I'm back in that situation, the early stages of it. But I've forgotten what it's like to be wholly intimated by someone you would like to get to know better, to open up to. I forget what that waiting game is like, in learning to trust. With most people, I never have a problem and can be somewhat open. But with certain people who I know I could easily be an open book to, I get nervous and a bit scared. Those feelings of insecurity are hard to deal with - wondering exactly where you stand. And right now, I don't know. And it really shouldn't matter, but it does. I don't have a problem being intimidated by people on a professional level. That's all well and good as everywhere, there is going to be someone better than I am, professionally. But on a personal level, that's a different story.