April changes

It's very strange. I have so many thoughts in my mind, but can't seem to put them down into a blog post. I have been writing in my personal journal, for my eyes only, but here, I can't seem to decide what to write. Mainly because my thoughts are revolving around a number of specific people, and I don't want to have personal details put on here, for good or bad. The good, I just feel way too emotionally-overwhelmed and would wind up making myself and readers more confused than before. The other, is a work-personal issue which has a number of different problems, but is ultimately stressing me out.

Other than Rebel, the biggest change in the last couple of weeks is that Kruu is selling the gym to take another full-time job. It's a huge source of mixed feelings, both good and bad.

If I simply look at it from the point of view of it being my gym, my training centre, then my biggest issue is that I'm losing my Kruu. I'm losing my mentor, my teacher, my trainer, my coach. He'll still be around a bit, but not in the same way, not every day like he used to be. It's hard to accept. I haven't learned near enough from him. I have so much more to learn about Asian culture and martial arts. All the instructors are still there, and therefore the quality of the instruction will not deviate (I hope), but not having him there as an anchor, as the main source of integrity, respect, the boss, it's going to be difficult. It has been. I go in, I train, and then I go home. I don't hang around as much. I have a focus - Iowa at the beginning of June. That's my priority and right now, everything else is being ignored, training-wise. I'm there every day with a purpose. To that end, I've hired Dave to train me 3 x per week. Best move I could have made as he is pushing me hard and will have me in shape for the tournament. Hopefully more confident than I was last year.

If I look at this change from a friend point of view, I'm having a very difficult time with it. For almost 3 years, that place has been my 2nd home. At times, my first home. I always knew I could go there and feel safe and have a laugh or a cry and be okay. Always knew I could come in and have some fun, poke some fun, have a laugh or have a serious discussion and look for support. It didn't matter. It's not the same now.

See? This is why I haven't posted about this. Because nothing, absolutely nothing I put down here can fully express how I'm feeling. It's impossible. I struggle with how I'm feeling. I am happy and proud of him though. I have to keep that in mind when I start feeling like breaking down in tears and sad and a bit lost.