6 years in the making

Yesterday marked the true beginning of the 2008 Canada-Wide Science Fair. The exhibit hall was set up, flags hung for the provinces, countries, and the divisions. Banners outside on campus are hung. The judges padfolios are being organized and stuffed. Floor layouts being completed and drawn up in CAD. Rooms in residence assigned. In the evening, we stuffed 800 backpacks full of items provided by sponsors - pins, water bottles, pamphlets, squishy things, etc. For the first time, I felt like we were really getting underway - after 6 years of planning, the 2008 Canada-Wide Science Fair is actually going to happen! It's hard to believe actually.

About a week ago, I received an email from the Chair of the 1992 Host Committee, someone I haven't talked to in roughly 15 years. He was also one of my highschool science teachers, for a number of courses. I was a little shocked to hear from him, but it also made me think back to my roots and beginnings with this organization - 1990 with the Sudbury Chapter of the Young Scientists of Canada. We were formed for the sole reason of helping out the 1992 Host Committee. Seems so long ago. And during the 1992 Fair, we were very sheltered from the actual runnings of the Fair. I understand so much more now, in hindsight and with a bit more personal experience!! 1992 was a great Fair. The people I met during those years with the YSC and the Sudbury science fair crowd are my foundation, my true roots. Those experiences have allowed me to help to bring the 2008 CWSF to Ottawa. I miss the Sudbury gang at times - they were in essence my extended family. Especially important as for me, highschool was not a fun time at home. So I'm happy to hear from that family now, congratulating me on the Fair we are on the edge of commencing right now. 16 years later, from YSC helping out the Host Committee, to the Co-Chair of my own Host Committee. Quite the step!! But now I have additions to that extended science fair family. There are members of my committee, and members of other Host Committees, YSF, NSFC, etc, who I love dearly and consider family as well. One big geeky, somewhat dysfunctional family!!! It's great!!

This morning and afternoon, we have been dealing with set-up in the exhibit hall. The pipe-and-drape is done, the tables are up. But we're 30 project spaces short!! Not for long. The additional tables are being set up as I type. However, we do have a carpet issue, which I sure hope is being solved as well! At this point in time, we're rolling with the punches. The hard work is behind us - the last month especially. Now, the details are what are important. Taping down all the edges of the flooring so no one trips, so to speak. Tonight, I have to go home, clean so that my house/dogsitter can come and stay, and pack so that I can move into residence tomorrow. We receive our first participants tomorrow - all our own gang - YSF, NSFC, the Truro boys, etc. It'll be so good to see them all. And know that they are a major support network for myself and my committee during the week that is to come.

6 days and counting

I'm watching "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". For about the 10th time! I decided that a little light movie watching was in order tonight. Trying to stop the gerbils in my head and just relax, rather than stressing out and questioning the day's events. Also, it never hurts to sit and watch Alan Rickman on the screen! I love Snape. :) I don't think I'll be able to finish this movie through to the end - I think sleep is going to come before that.

Although I'm in a bit of an "eat everything" mood as well, most likely pms'ing, so watching a movie is not necessarily a good thing. But I did go for a 10 km run this evening. However, that simply negates the butter tarts I ate this afternoon!

The gerbils are running ragged tonight. I didn't get enough of a workout in at the gym this morning/evening. Not enough rolling to burn off excess energy. The run helped though. I will have to schedule runs each day during the Fair in order to survive. Or at least go to the gym and punch something for a while.

Countdown to CWSF 2008

7 days til CWSF 2008. 7 days left after 6 years of planning. It's hard to imagine that is possible, but there it is!

The last weeks have been a complete roller coaster emotionally. Chairing a committee of volunteers is a challenge and with everyone feeling the stress and strain of the final planning stages, it's been an even bigger challenge. There are a few people that I will not want to see for a while after the Fair! Two days ago, an email from one of them just put me over the world and made me put my fist through my laptop. Luckily, I had money left in my UofO account so could go and buy a new one. Also, my old one was in the middle of its death throes at the time, so losing it was not a great disappointment. However, being in the midst of hell and needing a computer meant I had to run to the bookstore and buy one right away. Nothing like a vicious temper coupled with major stress to push you to the limit.

Getting closer to the Fair has been a bit of a challenge from a healthy eating/drinking point of view as well. I don't want to drink as beer just makes me want to drink and eat more, and will ruin my plans for getting down to 145 lbs for the Iowa fights. And it makes me feel like shit as well. Thursday evening, we had a committee social. I had a beer and some food, stayed for a bit, then came home as I had a body composition test in the morning and needed sleep. I took alot of flack for that from some of my committee members who are used to me drinking excessively and being open to staying out late partying. Two of them actually showed up at my door that evening, wanting me to go out with them! It's difficult to make them understand that this isn't just about the time now prior to the Fair. It's about a lifestyle change, a committment to myself, to my coach, to be in top shape for my own life and for training and fighting. But it's meant taking alot of shit from a few people!!!

Part of me is very happy that the Fair is almost over. Part of me can't wait for it to happen and get under way and let the fun begin. 6 years of planning is a long time! It's been a huge part of my life and I'm not sure what's going to happen when it's over. Not sure what I'm going to do with my time!! Right now, everything is under control and we're ready to roll. Only small details are left and being dealt with. But those details are what are so important in having the Fair go from just good to amazing.

I'm still going to be happy when we get underway though. The planning right now is just about killing me. If I wasn't going to the gym or running regularly, I'd be a basket case.

Careers - why so confusing?

In the last 2 weeks, I've bounced back and forth about 10 times concerning what I want to do when I grow up. It's a difficult decision. Golden handcuffs? Or sail on the wind with whatever comes up? Hard choice. Am I making decisions based on what I want? Or what other people want of me?

Luckily, one of my best friends is back in town and I managed to have a good chat with him this morning concerning all of this. If anyone knows me, understands my thinking, and also the environment I am currently in, he does. That's a huge support mechanism. I wish I had had this discussion about a week ago! I need further discussions to determine how I must proceed from here on in. It's all about getting back to my roots. If all goes well, after the science fair, this will happen.

Career.
Fight.
Science Fair.

Three very different parts of life, all of which are coming to a head right now.

It's funny though, while discussing some of this in the morning, I found that I could talk confidently about my choices and reasoning. I realized that, irregardless of this slight detour and chaos happening right now, I've gained alot of confidence in the last year or so. Certain situations still intimidate me, and I have a few discussions that have to happen in the next little while that aren't going to be fun, but confidence is building. Yeah!!

Tomorrow is a non-training day. I need a day off! Then back at it on Saturday, along with a body composition test. I'm getting pretty eager to get into the ring for this fight. Yesterday, I felt REALLY good - relaxed, cool, strong. If I can keep that same feeling for the fight, that would be great.

Learning in the ring

Apparently I have issues with going light in the ring while sparring. And I'm not sure exactly what the cause is. I do know one thing - I tend to speed up and hit harder when my Kru is watching me. If he's not there, I go lighter, feel like I can relax.

What is that caused by? Is it ego getting in the way? The need to prove myself to him? Is it nervousness and me getting all spastic when an authority figure is watching and judging? Is it the fear of looking like a moron in front of a teacher? Maybe it's a mix of all of these factors in varying degrees. But what I do know is that I have to solve this problem so I don't keep hearing "lighten up" again and again. I understand the concept. But I seem to have problems putting it into action in certain situations.

Feeling much better

After a somewhat roller coaster ride of the last 3-4 days, the minor breakdown that ensued as a result of being overtired and overstressed, I'm feeling pretty good today, mentally and physically - strong, in a good head space, ready to bang and take on the world again, whatever it may throw at me! And lately, that could be pretty much anything. Even work wasn't too bad today. A three-hour exhibit meeting actually proved to be useful and productive. And it was one of those working sessions could have gone disastrously wrong, but it seems we're all on the same page and actually made some critical decisions for the new mineralogy exhibit. So yeah!

Had a great workout at the gym tonight - class and then a bit more pad work and then some timing sparring. And controlled timing sparring at that! Sooner or later, the concept of 'going easy' might actually get into my head. I would like to know what it is that prevents me from going light. It's not ego, that's for sure!! I regularly have arguments with myself about the sanity of doing this - fighting at my age. There's no ego in there. Not that I know of. Low self-esteem, yes. It's not a fear of being hit - that I don't mind. I can honestly say I don't know my own power, and that's the major issue. But I will learn, or die trying! Or until someone clocks me hard enough to re-think everything. But at least tonight, I actually feel ready for this upcoming fight. Lose another 10 lbs and I'll be good to go. Easy!

I've managed to lose my glasses. I know I put them in my pocket at the gym, but they are not in my jacket pocket now. They are either at the gym, or somewhere on the street between the gym and where my car was parked. This is not a good thing. I can't wear my contacts 20 hours a day.

diet, training and stress... and relationships

This morning was difficult. I think I will have to start ready the Sports Psychology book that my nutritionist gave me. My mind currently has one focus - April 26th. Fight. Nothing else. Well, that's not true - the science fair comes a close second, often reaching into 1st place depending on the day.

My entire day is focused on eating properly, taking in enough food to function but small enough quantities to lose sufficient weight, and training efficiently. Train, eat, train, eat, train. And sleep. Sleep has become a very important activity. 9-10 hours per day minimum.

Given this, training sessions have become personal challenges. If I'm "off", I feel horrible and the snark in my head takes over and starts to insist that I'm tired, weak, better of doing something a bit more relaxing, or simply that I can't finish the round properly. It becomes a mental game - the rational, well-trained me against the snark. Wednesday's class was this way and I was bouncing between fighting off tears of frustration and tears of desperation in needing to work my ass off.

Yesterday, I discovered that I cannot switch gears into another martial art easily when in this head state. Silat was impossible and I was moving like shit (confirmed later on by Kru!). This morning, same thing. I was frustrated and mentally tired. I don't like it when my body won't do what I want it to. Granted, my mind is not ready to focus on Silat instead of Muay Thai right now either. But I figure I should be able to multi-task and switch gears. Apparently not. I can deal with myself, but I hate looking over and seeing that look of either disappointment or frustration on Kru's face. I don't like disappointing anyone, and that's even more frustrating! Back to fighting tears. Thankfully, this morning the snark was yet awake so didn't have its say. In the state of fighting back tears of frustration, being subjected to repeated painful moves (wrist locks and nasty quad compressions), simply brings on more water works. Which in itself is both embarrassing and frustrating!!! It's a martial art for fuck's sake, pain is going to happen. Grow up and take it like a fighter! But no, female hormones and mentality take over and all thoughts of being big and strong get thrown out the window. The snark did come back by the end of the session, wondering what the hell I'm attempting to do, that I simply suck at this. These feelings start melting their way into my Thai work too, and I wonder where I'm really at - do I have the talent and/or training to be fighting.

Thankfully, I felt a bit redeemed after rolling for an hour or so. Although got beat up pretty good after I said something that apparently sounded like a swear. Still trying to figure this one out actually. Instead of banging the bag afterwards, I came home, did laundry, relaxed, walked the dog, etc. It's what I needed. Somewhat of a "rest day" so I figure I can do some cardio tomorrow.

Back to the grind! 4 weeks exactly until my fight. Let's get this show on the road.

I've been thinking alot about a friend of mine who I've known for 15 years, during which time our relationship has changed and evolved and morphed and grown into something really great. We started off as teacher-student and, through everything, are now best of friends. But the first years were hard - more or less a feeling each other out stage, deciding on boundaries, being cautious. I was intimidated by him for years and years. I actually was convinced that he really didn't like me for the longest time. But even with these insecurities, I always knew that this was a person who would never leave my life, who would be increasingly important to me in everything I did, from personal to professional. I knew that at an early point in time. And it's true. He's one of the most important people in my life right now, has been for years, and someone I trust wholeheartedly. But it's taken a long time for both of us to come to this point. It's been worth it though.

Why have I been thinking about this evolutionary relationship? Primarily because I think I'm back in that situation, the early stages of it. But I've forgotten what it's like to be wholly intimated by someone you would like to get to know better, to open up to. I forget what that waiting game is like, in learning to trust. With most people, I never have a problem and can be somewhat open. But with certain people who I know I could easily be an open book to, I get nervous and a bit scared. Those feelings of insecurity are hard to deal with - wondering exactly where you stand. And right now, I don't know. And it really shouldn't matter, but it does. I don't have a problem being intimidated by people on a professional level. That's all well and good as everywhere, there is going to be someone better than I am, professionally. But on a personal level, that's a different story.

Tabitha housebuilding summary

This is posted on the Rockin4Tabitha 2008 build blog, but I thought I'd put it up here as well as it's a good summary of the time we spent in Cambodia housebuilding.

Tabitha Foundation 2008 House Building - a personal essay

Chickens, cases of Angkor beer, cans of Pringles, emaciated cows, smiling, waving Khmer children, and death-defying driving carried out under a set of rules that Westerners certainly cannot understand: no road trip in Cambodia would be complete without all of the above. As we start off on the road from Phnom Penh to Kampot, this leg of the journey looked not to
disappoint!

As our two vans head south towards the sleepy Cambodia seaside towns of Kep and Kampot, I ponder the task that lies ahead of us – building ten houses for deserving Khmer families on behalf of the Tabitha Foundation. I think back to Janne’s very blunt words two days previous –

“If you cannot do these things, do not participate” and “this is not about you, it’s about the families you are here to help”. The litany of rules that Janne recited to us during our orientation flits across my mind: the 5-minute nail rule; don’t eat food given as a gift; don’t share food with the villagers; don’t compliment a family’s baby; no touching anyone of the opposite sex. A firm thought plants itself in my mind: we’re not in Thailand anymore, Toto.

After a month in Thailand , the last six days in Cambodia have been a shock to the senses. Cambodia is a different world. Although it’s an easy, scenic 6 hour train ride from Bangkok , crossing the border at Poipet was like stepping back in time, stepping into a world that is trying to emerge from a horrific (recent) past which has left the entire population scarred, scared, and fighting to regain their culture and sense of self. Before coming to Asia, I did my homework: I read books on Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge, I watched documentaries and Hollywood films. I thought I was prepared. I wasn’t. The minute I stepped out of the taxi in Siem Reap, the objective, scientific thought pattern which can be maintained when reading a book comes crashing down. The horrors of the Pol Pot regime are ever present and unavoidable. I find myself having to deliberately vanquish thoughts of pure evil and genocide from my mind as I wave at these smiling, happy people. My mind keeps flashing back to the stories that Janne told us of her staff at the orientation. I will never fully understand what they have gone through, but
I think I can learn a lot from these survivors.

We’re a diverse group headed to Kampot for the build – Muay Thai students and their Kru (teacher), friends from Ottawa , Tabitha Foundation members from both Phnom Penh and Ottawa , a lone cyclist from New York , and a young engineer from Singapore. Whatever our personal reasons for coming to the other side of the world to spend two days building houses in a remote village, we are unified in our wish to do our part, to help out those who need help to get back on their feet. The ironic thing is, although the villagers have less material possessions than we soft, pampered Westerners, I think they possess more than we do when it comes to family and emotions.

Our “home” for the next three days is the N4 Guesthouse in Kep. The four hour van ride and our first supper as a group offer the opportunity to get to know each other. Even though I know quite a few of the team members that we’re traveling with, I know that this will be a chance to get to know them in a more intimate way. A foreign country is often a great leveler. Traveling within a group which has been thrown together can often be a challenging experience, but I think we’ll do fine.

The next morning, we’re up bright and early for a very French breakfast – baguette, fruit and an “omlette”. Loading into the vans at 7am, we’re off on a two hour journey towards Kampot and the village where our house frames are waiting for us. Although not quite the “road from hell” as the highway leading from Poipet to Siem Reap, the final stretch of dirt road headed into our village made many of us consider stocks in Gravol! As always, the ubiquitous cows, chickens and kids on bicycles followed us the entire way.

Arriving in the village, we didn’t waste anytime. Although the hardwood frames and tin roofs of the houses were already in place, put up earlier by professionals, we had a long, hot, dusty day ahead of us. Hammers in hand, gloves on, we were quickly split into two work groups and set on our houses. Without too much talk, each work group naturally broke into a floor and wall fractions. Either way, we all quickly realized why Janne enforces a “5 minute nail” rule – after hitting a stubborn nail for five minutes, you must simply walk away before frustration sets is.

Cambodian nails + Cambodian hardwood = many bent nails and frustrated workers!

The solution? Put aside Western ideals of perfection and get the job done.

Our first day, we complete an amazing six houses by 3pm! Falling into a rhythm was the key – grab a sheet of tin and hand it up to Srei on the inside, scamper up the ladder, slam in three top nails, three mid-line nails, back down the ladder and start the process again, leaving the bottom two rows of nails to the person on the ground. Working in a bit of a trance, I was amazed at how fast the walls went up. Inside, our team quickly put in the floor boards and moved on to the next house. At one point in time, I found myself balancing the ladder away from the house like a pair of stilts, hanging on with one hand while someone slipped a piece of tin up underneath me. None of the hang-ups and safety concerns one would find on a build site in Canada ! Just get the job done.

Janne’s statement that this build is not about us is correct. But standing there on a rickety ladder banging in nails all day long while 25-30 villagers watch your every move in anticipation and fear, it’s hard not to turn at least part of the experience inward. Academia and research often feel like the most self-centered way of making a living, something I’ve never quite come to terms with. I was amazingly at peace, for the first time in many months, and happy to be working with my hands, swinging a hammer and doing work which would bring such happiness and comfort to a family later that day. Yes, volunteer work is about those who you are helping. But it’s also about personal growth.

After completion of six houses in record time, Srei performed a ceremony for the families, thanking our team and Tabitha, and welcoming them into their houses. It was quite a touching moment to realize that, possibly for the first time in their lives, these families would be living in relative comfort, safe and dry. We quickly loaded our gear into the van and took off back to Kep to rest, relax, clean up, and get ready for supper out with the team. When on the ocean, eat seafood. On the menu for the evening: crab, squid and shrimp, all in mass quantities!

Our second day of building was much smoother than the first – a bit of experience makes the job quite a bit easier! With only four houses to build, we could relax and not worry about rushing to finish. Back to wall-duty, grab a piece of tin, hand it up to Srei, scamper up the ladder, pound in three nails, and jump back down to complete the process a couple of feet further along the wall. At one point in time, while doing all the middle nail rows, I looked around and the only people present were myself and an older man from the village who was spotting my ladder, looking up at me and smiling nervously. He proved to be an excellent helper and we got the last nails done together in a timely fashion.

As with the first day, at the completion of the 4^th house, Srei held a ceremony for the families and they were welcomed into their new houses. What an emotional time it must be for the families to watch a group of strange Westerners build your house all day long, then to be essentially handed the keys (handed the quilt?), so to speak, and allowed to move in. During the build, the villagers were alternatively watching us from the next lot, or hanging out underneath the house itself. I would like to know what they are thinking while watching us. It’s difficult to put myself in their shoes when I cannot fully understand their history and what it was like to live in terror for so many years. Unlike Tabitha, I believe this is where a lot of NGO’s and government organizations go wrong: trying to impose Western ideals and concepts into a culture which is so far removed from Western life and a Westerner’s understanding. I’m impressed and humbled by Janne’s work in Cambodia. She and her staff have worked within the bounds of the culture, and are teaching the Khmer families to be survivors, to be independent and self-sufficient.

Back at the ranch, the N4 Guesthouse, a trip to the beach prior to supper was in order. After a hot, sweaty, dirty day of work, what better way to clean off then a jump in the ocean to play with the jelly fish?! Upon returning to the guesthouse refreshed and showered, I had an opportunity to get to know the Tabitha staff a bit more, one of the highlights of my experience. After approaching Srei to make a reservation at a restaurant for supper, I was invited to sit with her and the van drivers and share their cockles and dried fish over a beer. Everyone was amazingly friendly and eager to share knowledge of Khmer history and tales about the local caves, including Animist/Buddhist tales about giants and kings of old. Although I found having discussions with the villagers a bit difficult given the fact that we had a job to do and were in and out of the area so quickly, sitting and talking with the Tabitha staff was easy, relaxing and very enjoyable.

The following morning, many of our team headed back to Phnom Penh to continue their travels or fly home. A few of us stayed on in Kep to explore the surrounding caves and islands, relaxing before continuing on our respective journeys. A few of the main topics of conversation: where are we building next year? how many houses are we building? Back in Canada, staring out the window at the most snow we’ve had in a decade, I’ve already started to look for airplane tickets to put me in Phnom Penh on January 19^th, 2009. Why go back? Aside from the obvious, the fact that +35˚C and sun is much more tolerable than -20˚C and snow, I’m not done doing my part. I’m not done getting to know the people I’ll be traveling with either. And there’s certainly a lot more of the country to explore and experience.

hating life right now.

It's been a shitty day and evening. I've fallen down my snowy stairs, broken a shovel while falling, completely fucked up my hand by punching the shit out of my car, put 2 dents in my car (one from my foot and the other from the broken end of a shovel), and got myself entirely worked up and crying in frustration. Right now, I'm in the worst possible head state. I hate my fucking job. I'm sick of trying to get the science fair in order. I've got a fight coming up that I"m scared shitless about, and I'm back to being paranoid and insecure. The snark has come back in full force. And it now has a busted up right hand. Oh ya, that's good for training. and the one person I can talk to is down at the smithsonian for a month.

I suck.

friends from afar

I'm having a bit of an emotional session here after getting an email from a Banffite friend of mine who I haven't seen in about a year, although we somewhat regularly communicate through email. I was reading her email and realize I really, really miss her and that it's definitely time we had a get together of some sort! It's strange, because our initial introduction was not a good one - actually, it was fairly rocky after some very harsh professional criticisms which were taken the wrong way (or maybe the right way given the amount of time we had known one another!). But after that, following a heart-to-heart discussion over a couple of scotches, we bonded and we've become very close in the last 2 years. Maybe it's true that the more difficulties that a relationship goes through, the stronger it can be made. Anyway, from a professional point of view, she's always been there to help me. And from a personal point of view, the same. And now, I really do miss her.

Once in a while, like a large brick to the head, it hits me how much I need my close friends and how lucky I am to have great people around me. How many great mentors I have as well, who continue to support me. I don't know why that has happened, because, in my darkest, most depressed states, I don't think I'm particularly worth standing by, but thankfully, those days are few and far between now, and I'm simply grateful for the close friends I do have who put up with me regardless of how insane, wonky, depressed or baggage-filled I might be! And when some of those friends are out of town and I only get to see them once in a while, it hits home a lot harder. But maybe if they were all close at hand, I wouldn't appreciate them as much.