Okay folks, today was Day 1 of the new training regime. a.k.a. the 'get your lazy ass out of bed early and train and don't use the car' regime. I woke up at 5:45am, dragged my butt out of bed in the dark and cold to the washroom to wake up a bit before taking the dog out. The dog did not want to go out at 6am (although he was quite happy to go out at 2am this morning after chewing on a large chunk of femur yesterday afternoon!). Short dog walk around the block, back inside to get into biking gear, scarfed down a Red Bull for some energy, then I was out the door, bike in hand, and rode over to the gym. This morning's workout: 200 m and 125 m sprints up a hill, and 10 repetitions on the stairs. Plus the run to and from Strathcona Park. An hour's worth of laboured breathing and a slight pukey-feeling. Although I'm not as fast as the boys, I can hold my own. And I'm out of shape - this will definitely be good to get back into shape!! And since I wasn't doing as much sprint work before July, I think this will make my conditioning a lot better than before. It is brutal and horrible work, but without pain...
I biked in to work as well, which adds another hour of cardio to the day, approximately. 14 km each way between the gym and work. I wasn't moving fast this morning, that's for sure!! But some fat-burning low intensity work is not a bad thing right now, especially to disperse all the lactic acid from the sprints.
Monday/Tuesday/Thursday/Friday will be sprint/hill/stair days to push my anaerobic and lactic threshold. Wednesdays and Saturdays will be long run days. And then regular training in the evenings. This post-fight pudge will be coming off quickly!! Provided the food intake is normal and healthy.
Being up and doing that much training already makes for a very long day! I'm exhausted right now. Coffee is my friend. And water - I don't think I'm hydrated enough today. I took my office Nalgene bottle home last week because it had a definite fishy smell to it. I'm not sure if that was from the water here in the building, or simply from not being cleaned thoroughly, but it really had to be disinfected. So I'm stuck with only a small bike bottle here to hydrate from - not nearly enough.
I just printed out a published paper on nalivkinite, a new Li-dominant astrophyllite group mineral. I apparently reviewed this manuscript, as my name is in the acknowledgments, but I don't recall doing the review at all!!! How sad is that? I vaguely recall it, but not in any clear way. I would have been the obvious choice of reviewers, of course, but still... Wow. Getting back to research means cleaning out the cobwebs from the last 1.5 years and rediscovering work I have or haven't done yet!! Although I suspect I reviewed this paper at least 1.5 years ago, and it's just getting published now? That's way too long of a delay.
Did I mention I'm NOT a morning person in the slightest?!! Actually, once I'm up, I'm happy to be up and moving early. It's just that initial getting out of bed moment that is horrible. That's when I can get up, hit snooze or reset the alarm clock entirely and go back to bed. But that's wimping out. I can't afford to do that right now.
I came across this quote in the Bangkok Post today, wrt to the political situation in Thailand:
"In recent times, "democracy" is a word that has been thrown around more often than a ping pong ball in Patpong - and suffers about the same level of degradation."
I thought it was hilarious. Ah, memories of Khao San road and the invites to ping pong shows!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
End to a long week
Last night, I was in bed by 8:45pm. After an extremely long week, all I really wanted was Friday even to be over and done with, to start fresh on Saturday.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were spent in union mediation with our managers. No comment. None needed really. When is mediation ever enjoyable? It's quite a draining exercise actually - not physically, but mentally. And frustrating.
Thursday evening was Rockin4Tabitha and it went great!!! We had about 120 people show up, made enough money for one full house, and had a great time! Kru Bob's group was fantastic, and so were The Hitmen. The dance floor was hopping (thanks to my students who are unafraid of being goofy and got up and danced right away!!) right up until the end of the evening. A very successful event - made some money for a house, got some publicity for the Tabitha Foundation, and everyone had an enjoyable evening out. We do need to find some more builders for February though - right now, we only have 11 total. And to build 20 houses in 3 days? A few more strong bodies would help!
I'm exhausted. I spent 4 hours at the gym this morning - Kali, BJJ and then some shadow boxing and pad work. Hurting right now. Going back to Gi work is fun but it's like trying to get the gerbil wheel spinning again, trying to remember all the moves and drills. But hitting pads afterwards, I felt stronger than I have in the last couple of weeks. Feels good to hit hard again - my foot isn't hurting at all. Well, the right one isn't. The left heel is killing me.
Starting Monday, I'm training with the boys in the morning - 7am start with springs or hills, then shadow boxing and pad work. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. Long runs on Wednesday and Saturdays. It's going to hurt for the first while, but I think it will be good for me - getting back into shape by jumping into the shark-filled pool head first. Yup, it's certainly going to hurt. That means Mondays and Fridays will be double training days. Maybe Tuesday as well. I should start going on Tuesdays again - do Phase III class more often. But it doesn't start until 7:30pm and by that time, I'm wanting to crash on the couch.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were spent in union mediation with our managers. No comment. None needed really. When is mediation ever enjoyable? It's quite a draining exercise actually - not physically, but mentally. And frustrating.
Thursday evening was Rockin4Tabitha and it went great!!! We had about 120 people show up, made enough money for one full house, and had a great time! Kru Bob's group was fantastic, and so were The Hitmen. The dance floor was hopping (thanks to my students who are unafraid of being goofy and got up and danced right away!!) right up until the end of the evening. A very successful event - made some money for a house, got some publicity for the Tabitha Foundation, and everyone had an enjoyable evening out. We do need to find some more builders for February though - right now, we only have 11 total. And to build 20 houses in 3 days? A few more strong bodies would help!
I'm exhausted. I spent 4 hours at the gym this morning - Kali, BJJ and then some shadow boxing and pad work. Hurting right now. Going back to Gi work is fun but it's like trying to get the gerbil wheel spinning again, trying to remember all the moves and drills. But hitting pads afterwards, I felt stronger than I have in the last couple of weeks. Feels good to hit hard again - my foot isn't hurting at all. Well, the right one isn't. The left heel is killing me.
Starting Monday, I'm training with the boys in the morning - 7am start with springs or hills, then shadow boxing and pad work. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. Long runs on Wednesday and Saturdays. It's going to hurt for the first while, but I think it will be good for me - getting back into shape by jumping into the shark-filled pool head first. Yup, it's certainly going to hurt. That means Mondays and Fridays will be double training days. Maybe Tuesday as well. I should start going on Tuesdays again - do Phase III class more often. But it doesn't start until 7:30pm and by that time, I'm wanting to crash on the couch.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Cathartic Colorado
I'm headed back to Ottawa tomorrow, back to the land without mountains and my own mineral colleagues. It's been quite a week - exciting, cathartic, cleansing. I am headed home in a different state of mind, with renewed interest in science and mineralogy and a renewed friendship which I was never sure could ever again exist on a healthy plain.
Wednesday I bagged my first 14'er - the 14,267 foot Torrey's Peak. It's located just west of Idaho Springs, south of I-70. I was told that I could drive up the access road, but my poor little Kia Rondo had other ideas!! I made it up the first bit of the 'road' and discovered a huge gully in the middle of the track - not enough room on either side to put a tire, and no way I was going to drive in the ditch. I tried a few times, managed to bottom the car out entirely (insert screeching noises, large clangs, crashes, and finally burning smells) and decided that maybe walking the 3 miles to the trail head was a better idea!! I parked the car at the bottom of the road, and started to hoof it up the road. 10 minutes into the hike, a 4x4 truck came up behind me at a snail's pace and I stuck out my thumb - I figured anyone coming up that road was headed to the trailhead anyway. And sure enough, they were, so I caught a ride up. Yeah for friendly strangers!!
The trailhead was at 11,000 feet, with the trail heading straight up a glacial U-shaped valley. I slung a water bottle from my pack and started up. I managed to find a hiking rhythm fairly quickly, remembering my experiences in Nepal and knowing that going too quickly at the beginning was only going to destroy me at the end and leave me tired, sick, with a headache and needing to go back to lower altitude.
About 12,000 feet, I ran into two guys who were headed down because they decided that it was too cold on the upper reaches of the mountain and that they weren't dressed well enough. Huh. I had enough upper body clothing, but only shorts on below. These guys were in full fleece already, long pants, and they were cold?! Shit.
Past 12,000 feet, the going got rough, the switchbacks started, and thought "why am I here?" kept creeping into my head. Altitude digs hard into the quitter emotions. When you're moving so slowly, breathing in and out at each step, it's hard to imagine that the hike can be any more fun. But I took it slow and steady and all was good. I did actually wind up hiking the last 1/3 of the trail with someone - I ran into a lady, Joan, a retired Colorado resident, on a break at a switchback. We wound up hiking together, leap-frogging the entire way to the summit. That turned out to be a good idea as the wind at the summit ridge was brutal, freezing of the fingers started, and the oxygen deprivation near the summit was debilitating!! But actually not as bad as I thought it might be. Taken slow enough, it was actually fun!! I even ran into a mountain goat on the way up - it just stood right in front of me on the trail, not moving, eating lichen. Offered great photo ops, but it really had to move so I could get up the trail!!
Thursday and Friday I spent at the Colorado and Denver mineral shows. I think I am mineral'd out. 2 full days of browsing around over-priced samples and I'm exhausted!! I did wind up buying 2 samples for our collection, but not much new was on the market that interested me.
Thursday evening, I met Francois in the lobby at the Holiday Inn and we went into the bar for a drink, then out for supper. Amazingly, it was a good time. I really had fun - we talked about life, science, our jobs, our lives, etc. Like two normal friends who have not seen each other in a while. And he genuinely seemed interested in what I had to say, and vice versa. I didn't feel threatened or uncomfortable or insecure at all. I think we've both matured. We shared a bottle of wine and it helped to loosen us up a bit, which we really didn't need. It was nice to laugh and joke with him and I'm glad that we got together, to the point where I asked him to meet me for lunch today as well. When we said our goodbyes this afternoon, I was actually sad - it's been so many years since we've spent time together and then to have a great week and have to separate again? Hard to take. But part of me is still uncertain - can I let my defenses down this much and not get hurt? I don't know.
Wednesday I bagged my first 14'er - the 14,267 foot Torrey's Peak. It's located just west of Idaho Springs, south of I-70. I was told that I could drive up the access road, but my poor little Kia Rondo had other ideas!! I made it up the first bit of the 'road' and discovered a huge gully in the middle of the track - not enough room on either side to put a tire, and no way I was going to drive in the ditch. I tried a few times, managed to bottom the car out entirely (insert screeching noises, large clangs, crashes, and finally burning smells) and decided that maybe walking the 3 miles to the trail head was a better idea!! I parked the car at the bottom of the road, and started to hoof it up the road. 10 minutes into the hike, a 4x4 truck came up behind me at a snail's pace and I stuck out my thumb - I figured anyone coming up that road was headed to the trailhead anyway. And sure enough, they were, so I caught a ride up. Yeah for friendly strangers!!
The trailhead was at 11,000 feet, with the trail heading straight up a glacial U-shaped valley. I slung a water bottle from my pack and started up. I managed to find a hiking rhythm fairly quickly, remembering my experiences in Nepal and knowing that going too quickly at the beginning was only going to destroy me at the end and leave me tired, sick, with a headache and needing to go back to lower altitude.
About 12,000 feet, I ran into two guys who were headed down because they decided that it was too cold on the upper reaches of the mountain and that they weren't dressed well enough. Huh. I had enough upper body clothing, but only shorts on below. These guys were in full fleece already, long pants, and they were cold?! Shit.
Past 12,000 feet, the going got rough, the switchbacks started, and thought "why am I here?" kept creeping into my head. Altitude digs hard into the quitter emotions. When you're moving so slowly, breathing in and out at each step, it's hard to imagine that the hike can be any more fun. But I took it slow and steady and all was good. I did actually wind up hiking the last 1/3 of the trail with someone - I ran into a lady, Joan, a retired Colorado resident, on a break at a switchback. We wound up hiking together, leap-frogging the entire way to the summit. That turned out to be a good idea as the wind at the summit ridge was brutal, freezing of the fingers started, and the oxygen deprivation near the summit was debilitating!! But actually not as bad as I thought it might be. Taken slow enough, it was actually fun!! I even ran into a mountain goat on the way up - it just stood right in front of me on the trail, not moving, eating lichen. Offered great photo ops, but it really had to move so I could get up the trail!!
Thursday and Friday I spent at the Colorado and Denver mineral shows. I think I am mineral'd out. 2 full days of browsing around over-priced samples and I'm exhausted!! I did wind up buying 2 samples for our collection, but not much new was on the market that interested me.
Thursday evening, I met Francois in the lobby at the Holiday Inn and we went into the bar for a drink, then out for supper. Amazingly, it was a good time. I really had fun - we talked about life, science, our jobs, our lives, etc. Like two normal friends who have not seen each other in a while. And he genuinely seemed interested in what I had to say, and vice versa. I didn't feel threatened or uncomfortable or insecure at all. I think we've both matured. We shared a bottle of wine and it helped to loosen us up a bit, which we really didn't need. It was nice to laugh and joke with him and I'm glad that we got together, to the point where I asked him to meet me for lunch today as well. When we said our goodbyes this afternoon, I was actually sad - it's been so many years since we've spent time together and then to have a great week and have to separate again? Hard to take. But part of me is still uncertain - can I let my defenses down this much and not get hurt? I don't know.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Flashback, deja vu, and a test of maturity
Greetings from Golden, Colorado! 5500 feet in the foothills of the Rockies, I'm finally back to the USA SW after 3 years of absence. And it's great to be back!! The mountain air, the blue sky, the rough, harsh, barren terrain, the altitude, the Mexican food, the ranch land. It's like homecoming, even though I have never lived out west before. I could live here. Actually, in New Mexico or Arizona would be better, but Colorado is pretty great as well.
I arrived on Saturday morning after a boring flight, got my rental car, and headed the 35 miles from the Denver airport to Golden, on the west side of Denver. After checking in and unpacking, I decided that a trip to downtown Denver was in order. I spent most of my time on the 16th street pedestrian mall, having lunch and walking around. Lunch was a detour from a healthy diet - I found a small mom-and-pop Mexican cantina in the LODO district and was in heaven - a Negro Modello, a Herradura Anejo margarita, and a mixed plate of enchillada, chilli relleno and a flauta - absolute heaven. I love Mexican food, and this was fantastic!! Although alcohol at 6000 feet is deadly - I was slightly tipsy by the time I headed off to walk around downtown so stopped by a Starbucks and found a coffee.
By supper time, I headed back to Golden, stopping at Corral Western Wear where I browsed the cowboy boots in my price range and wound up buying a nice pair of Justin's - brown with gold-ish stiching on the upper part. Woo hoo!! Gotta break them in though - they are pretty tight and stiff. But so were my other ones initially and now they are soft and comfy.
Saturday evening I decided it was time to get in some exercise, so I headed out on a run. Running at 6000 feet - not a whole hell of alot of fun! Throw in the fact that the route I took, west on Colfax (no sidewalks) was completely uphill!! 5 minutes in, and I was ready to rip out my lungs!! But I wound up doing about 5 km or so, enough to make me feel like I burned off some of my endulgent, cheese-smothered lunch!!
Sunday, I headed out to Red Rocks park, 15 min up Colfax West, and went trail running. Not knowing what to expect, I took the Red Rocks trail, which started at the bottom of this really cool formation of upthrust red Jurrasic sandstones that tilt almost 90 degrees in some places. It's really neat - you can stand at the top of the hills look south, and see this entire line of upthrust red sandstones. Never thought I'd find sedimentary rocks so cool!! Actually, from a sedimentary point of view, this area is interesting - lots of dinos and other Jurassic fossils are all over the place here. Okay, the mining history is alot more interesting, but the dinos are pretty cool too!! For dead things, of course...
Trail running in Red Rocks, at least initially, was more like trail walking - running up switch backs at that altitude was hell!! I did about 7 kms, some running, some walking, but having a great time nevertheless. I hope to go back a few more times this week and run one of the other, flatter trails. I had planned to go this morning, but when I got up at 6am, it was (1) raining, (2) really friggin' cold (think snow), and (3) dark as hell!! My plans of trail running were cut short and I wound up spending 1/2 an hour on the treadmill in the hotel exercise room.After a shower and some healthy food (I stocked my hotel fridge with food from "Whole Foods" on Saturday), I decided to go visit Boulder, which is about 25 miles north of here. Mainly, I wanted to check out REI, and go wander around downtown Boulder, a cute little ski village with a pedestrian mall perfect for window shopping (or spontaneous shopping as the case may be!). I had lunch at a small cafe, wandered around in the sunshine, had a coffee, then headed back into Golden.
Last night was the welcoming reception for "Mineralogy and Museums 6", held at the Geology Museum at the Colorado School of Mines. The reception was well-attended - I ran into a number of colleagues and friends who I haven't seen in years. Some, like Julian, I see all the time, usually in Rochester where we've made him an honorary Canadian!
The turning point in the evening, the encounter I had been nervously awaiting, came as I was looking at the mineral collection. Francois came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a big hug (in itself very strange). Immediately I felt my guard go up - does it have to be up? Do I need to play defense with him still? Was his friendly greeting sincere? Can I trust him? The answer to that last question is most likely no. I need to be careful, for my own emotional state of mind. We stood around and chatted for a long time - about his change in jobs, research, the collection, cats, etc. One of our colleagues came over and chatted, and when he asked how I had made the leap from astrophyllite to Nb-glasses, I looked at Francois and he answered "cats". It's true actually - one of the first discussions we had via email when I was decided where to do my post-doc was about cats. It was an email discussion that I though boded well - to have someone that friendly and discuss something other than science with me via email, after only a few interactions, to me felt like good vibes. If I had only known...
He was headed out for supper after the reception, but I declined his invitation to go along. He keeps saying we need to go out and drink wine together. Part of me is very hesitant to do so - I believe that activity has gotten us into major trouble in the past!! Grenoble in particular comes to mind. So does the night after the West Indies restaurant in Paris when the Absinthe flowed like water. I'm not sure that he and I spending those kinds of evenings together would be healthy. And, although I suspect that he's happier and more relaxed with his new job, which might have calmed him down, he still doesn't seem to have changed all that much. And neither have I - I still feel an unexplained attraction to him, the feeling that I can help him, the misguided thought that he won't hurt me again. I am constantly reminded at how much we aren't in control of our emotions and feelings. Thus, my decline of his supper invite, but with a promise that we would go out later this week.
This morning, I ran on the treadmill, had breakfast and headed to the technical sessions. I did my best to walk around Francois, not knowing exactly how to deal with him. When I was a post-doc, I followed him around like a puppy when we went to conferences - I was young, immature, insecure, and didn't know anyone in the European circuit. Now it's different - I'm no longer that immature (in some ways!) and know alot of the people at this conference. I'm also no longer uncomfortable walking around solo like I used to be at conferences, needing to be beside my advisor or colleague at all times. I don't feel that insecurity any more. And, given that I feel very defensive right now and am fighting to figure out, in my head, how to handle this situation, I thought it best to avoid contact, so I hung out with Julian.
The technical sessions today were okay - good talks, wide range of topics. By mid afternoon I was crashing though - time change and being up early this morning. Francois finally did come up to me late morning and give me the traditional French greeting of cheek kisses. I found it quite intriguing - him coming to me rather than the other way around. Interesting. That sounds like a power struggle, doesn't it? Wanting him to come to me rather than the other way around? It is in a way - a demonstration of independence, a need to prove in some way that the past is just that - the past and I've moved on.
I didn't stay for the reception tonight. I've decided to not drink from now on - back to a training regiment and diet. Getting up early in the morning to run and do weights here takes alot of energy, and I don't want to jeopardize that. The weight I've gained since Iowa bothers me and I want to get it off - steadily and healthily. And alcohol just doesn't factor into that. Also, drinking here might bring too many demons out of the closet and make me open my mouth bigger than I should. I feel the need to talk to him, to bring out into the open how hurt I felt, how betrayed, how abused and demeaned. But what good would it do? We do need to sit down and talk though - I might return to Paris to work with him in the coming year. Is this a good idea? I don't know.
Tomorrow will be another long day - talks all day and then a dinner at the Denver Museum. I'm excited to go to the Museum to see the Sweethome Mine rhodochrosite display. I've been a fan, in love with! Sweethome Mine rhodos since I was an undergraduate student. When the Mineralogical Record special rhodo issue came out, it was like mineral porn for me! All those beautiful, red, lushious, almost edible-looking rhodos. Very cool. Sick person eh?!! :)
Friday, August 29, 2008
screw it
Fuck.
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
fuck.
two comments, hopefully made as a joke, I take them seriously, got me all fucked up and insecure.
fuck.
just peachy.
why oh why can't I just relax sometimes?
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
fuck.
two comments, hopefully made as a joke, I take them seriously, got me all fucked up and insecure.
fuck.
just peachy.
why oh why can't I just relax sometimes?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Being a foodie
I have discovered that there are distinct disadvantages to being a "foodie" - an appreciator of good food and, of course, good wine. It means that I'm a food and wine snob, and that going out to restaurants can often be a disappointing experience.
Tonight, we had our pre-2008/2009-science-fair dinner at Bella's, an Italian restaurant just down the street from me. It's moderately priced - mains range from $17-$35 (pastas, veal, steak, etc.). After an internal debate about what to eat, I decided that my 10 km run at lunch would allow me to have a good dinner, so I had mussels for an appetizer, and salmon as my main. Dessert was a "dense flourless chocolate cake", which, as was pointed out to me, is impossible - the terms "dense" and "flourless" are oxymorons.
The mussels, I must admit, were very good - well cooked and they were the small, firm ones - not the large, mushy ones we often get in the summer. The salmon though, not up to par for the price. It came with 3 small baby potatoes, 4 small beans, one piece of cauliflower, and one broccoli floweret. Not enough green for my liking, but oh well. The salmon was okay. Not bad, but not terribly good. I have realized that given my interest in cooking, my vast eating experience in so many countries and so many good restaurants ranging from mom-and-pop food stalls to 5 star restaurants in France, I'm very critical of restaurant food. The dessert was good though, although it wasn't dense in the least!! It certainly was chocolately and rich!
Anyway, a good evening was had by all. Dr. Roy, if you're reading, it was great to see you again as it's been way, way too long and we really need to do cidre more often, no matter how busy we both are.
I had debated whether or not to go or whether to go to the gym and train. I think I made the right choice. Actually, my left arm is killing me from the drills yesterday so best to give it a break. Coming back to full-time training HURTS! I really have to learn to stay in top form, not go through this roller coaster in-shape/out-of-shape ride. Not that I'm really "out of shape" - it's all relative, right? I'm just not as in shape as I was before Iowa. It's all perception in my own head.
Tonight, we had our pre-2008/2009-science-fair dinner at Bella's, an Italian restaurant just down the street from me. It's moderately priced - mains range from $17-$35 (pastas, veal, steak, etc.). After an internal debate about what to eat, I decided that my 10 km run at lunch would allow me to have a good dinner, so I had mussels for an appetizer, and salmon as my main. Dessert was a "dense flourless chocolate cake", which, as was pointed out to me, is impossible - the terms "dense" and "flourless" are oxymorons.
The mussels, I must admit, were very good - well cooked and they were the small, firm ones - not the large, mushy ones we often get in the summer. The salmon though, not up to par for the price. It came with 3 small baby potatoes, 4 small beans, one piece of cauliflower, and one broccoli floweret. Not enough green for my liking, but oh well. The salmon was okay. Not bad, but not terribly good. I have realized that given my interest in cooking, my vast eating experience in so many countries and so many good restaurants ranging from mom-and-pop food stalls to 5 star restaurants in France, I'm very critical of restaurant food. The dessert was good though, although it wasn't dense in the least!! It certainly was chocolately and rich!
Anyway, a good evening was had by all. Dr. Roy, if you're reading, it was great to see you again as it's been way, way too long and we really need to do cidre more often, no matter how busy we both are.
I had debated whether or not to go or whether to go to the gym and train. I think I made the right choice. Actually, my left arm is killing me from the drills yesterday so best to give it a break. Coming back to full-time training HURTS! I really have to learn to stay in top form, not go through this roller coaster in-shape/out-of-shape ride. Not that I'm really "out of shape" - it's all relative, right? I'm just not as in shape as I was before Iowa. It's all perception in my own head.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Better start to the week
It's only Monday, but it's a much better start to the week than the last. The weekend was actually enjoyable, even though Saturday was actually spent working. Sunday, I got my first "dive" in since Thailand - in a pool to fix a drain! However, it was fun, albeit slightly cold compared to the south Andaman Sea! It did give me the opportunity to practice the techniques required for suiting-up and diving, all the safety procedures. It was fun though, and fun to help out friends.
Today, I spent most of the day working on a new mineral species proposal, which meant talking to Andy and sorting out what is turning out to be a F-H2O-OH-CO3 problem. But it's always good talking to him - I miss seeing him regularly so I'm always happy to have the opportunity to chat with him.
Back on track with training today - a run at lunch and a Thai class this evening. I feel like my left kick has deserted me, but Kruu says it's ok. It was a rough class for me though - I felt "off" for the entire time, sluggish, and not moving. More girly too - feeling kinda wimpy. During one of the boxing drills, I kept moving in towards Mike, not out, away from his punches. I need to learn not to move in to my opponent but away, angling off, otherwise I'm going to be eating alot of hits!
My roller coaster emotions seem to be strongly controlled by the people around me, who I deal with on a day-to-day basis. But not just regular people - people whose opinions I value highly, and whose affirmation I need. I should be able to exist with being happy with myself, with gaining personal affirmation of my importance as a person, but it seems I'm incapable of that. I need positive reinforcement, people to be happy with me, to like me. I get very distraught when I think that my friends are unhappy or mad at me. I should be okay with my own self. Easier said than done.
Cryptic eh? The problem is that I'm having a battle within myself trying to sort out one relationship in particular but am trying to leave names out of it to protect the innocent. Grin! But I need to stop caring what other people think, no matter who it is (to an extent), and just live my life in the best possible way. Work hard, play hard, be happy with the way things are. That's my goal for the next while.
Today, I spent most of the day working on a new mineral species proposal, which meant talking to Andy and sorting out what is turning out to be a F-H2O-OH-CO3 problem. But it's always good talking to him - I miss seeing him regularly so I'm always happy to have the opportunity to chat with him.
Back on track with training today - a run at lunch and a Thai class this evening. I feel like my left kick has deserted me, but Kruu says it's ok. It was a rough class for me though - I felt "off" for the entire time, sluggish, and not moving. More girly too - feeling kinda wimpy. During one of the boxing drills, I kept moving in towards Mike, not out, away from his punches. I need to learn not to move in to my opponent but away, angling off, otherwise I'm going to be eating alot of hits!
My roller coaster emotions seem to be strongly controlled by the people around me, who I deal with on a day-to-day basis. But not just regular people - people whose opinions I value highly, and whose affirmation I need. I should be able to exist with being happy with myself, with gaining personal affirmation of my importance as a person, but it seems I'm incapable of that. I need positive reinforcement, people to be happy with me, to like me. I get very distraught when I think that my friends are unhappy or mad at me. I should be okay with my own self. Easier said than done.
Cryptic eh? The problem is that I'm having a battle within myself trying to sort out one relationship in particular but am trying to leave names out of it to protect the innocent. Grin! But I need to stop caring what other people think, no matter who it is (to an extent), and just live my life in the best possible way. Work hard, play hard, be happy with the way things are. That's my goal for the next while.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Thai demo and Italian wine
It's amazing how up and down emotions can be - a psychotic roller coaster. The last 24 hours have been really, really messed up. And I've come to realize that I do this to myself!! It's the snark in my head that seems to control how I'm feeling - the snark needs to find a new residence.
Yesterday, 4 of us went to the SuperEx and did a Muay Thai demonstration at one of the stages. Not many people there given it was a Friday afternoon, but we spent 45 minutes demonstrating all the techniques, the Ram Muay, and having a mock fight. An enjoyable way to spend the afternoon. I have a couple of passes to the Ex if I want to use them tomorrow. Although it really holds no interest for me - the rides make me hurl and the food is all shit that I want to stay away from starting this weekend.
Afterwards, I dropped the boys back at the academy and I stayed to hit the bags for a while, then do Kali. Kruu had me go through a 12-count Villebrille "chicken step" series. It makes my head hurt. There is something about the syncopation between the stick, dagger and my feet that just doesn't click with me. I had to break it down slowly - feet only, then hands only. But even then, it takes me forever to get the sequence looking somewhat smooth.
Last night, we had a mineralogy gang wine tasting over at Scott's place - Italian wines this time, with a 18 year old Port as the finisher. Long night!! I finally made it home around 1am, which, for me, is a really late night so this morning has been hard (especially since I'm working, babysitting a building). But it was nice to get together with the gang and have some fun. The minor headache this morning isn't so much fun though!
Between the wine tasting, squash on Thursday, and a good demo and session at the gym yesterday afternoon, I'm feeling alot better. How long that will last, that's the question and problem. Wild mood swings seem to be the order of the day lately. I have to stop worrying about what other people think. That's a huge problem I have. I get myself all worked up about what someone else might be thinking or feeling, and then everything turns out fine anyway. I always think the worst will happen. Eternal pessimist that I am. If I was able to just let the world unravel as it wishes too, without worrying, I would be better off. But no, the snark in my head starts to psychoanalyse every little detail, I think too much, and get myself into such a headstate that it starts affecting how I deal with others. Definitely a problem I need to sort out.
So today is Day 1 back on the wagon with food and training. No more Jelly Bellies. No more alcohol. No more shit food that doesn't offer me anything other than pleasure. Eating will be for nutrition and not pleasure. I want to get back down to 145 lbs at a normal rate, without my body going into shock and rejecting me. Today is Day 1. It's going to hurt, I know. It means detoxing my system of all the crap and carbs that I have been eagerly consuming for the last 6 weeks. Those cravings will take a while to curb. But I can do it. I've done it before.
Yesterday, 4 of us went to the SuperEx and did a Muay Thai demonstration at one of the stages. Not many people there given it was a Friday afternoon, but we spent 45 minutes demonstrating all the techniques, the Ram Muay, and having a mock fight. An enjoyable way to spend the afternoon. I have a couple of passes to the Ex if I want to use them tomorrow. Although it really holds no interest for me - the rides make me hurl and the food is all shit that I want to stay away from starting this weekend.
Afterwards, I dropped the boys back at the academy and I stayed to hit the bags for a while, then do Kali. Kruu had me go through a 12-count Villebrille "chicken step" series. It makes my head hurt. There is something about the syncopation between the stick, dagger and my feet that just doesn't click with me. I had to break it down slowly - feet only, then hands only. But even then, it takes me forever to get the sequence looking somewhat smooth.
Last night, we had a mineralogy gang wine tasting over at Scott's place - Italian wines this time, with a 18 year old Port as the finisher. Long night!! I finally made it home around 1am, which, for me, is a really late night so this morning has been hard (especially since I'm working, babysitting a building). But it was nice to get together with the gang and have some fun. The minor headache this morning isn't so much fun though!
Between the wine tasting, squash on Thursday, and a good demo and session at the gym yesterday afternoon, I'm feeling alot better. How long that will last, that's the question and problem. Wild mood swings seem to be the order of the day lately. I have to stop worrying about what other people think. That's a huge problem I have. I get myself all worked up about what someone else might be thinking or feeling, and then everything turns out fine anyway. I always think the worst will happen. Eternal pessimist that I am. If I was able to just let the world unravel as it wishes too, without worrying, I would be better off. But no, the snark in my head starts to psychoanalyse every little detail, I think too much, and get myself into such a headstate that it starts affecting how I deal with others. Definitely a problem I need to sort out.
So today is Day 1 back on the wagon with food and training. No more Jelly Bellies. No more alcohol. No more shit food that doesn't offer me anything other than pleasure. Eating will be for nutrition and not pleasure. I want to get back down to 145 lbs at a normal rate, without my body going into shock and rejecting me. Today is Day 1. It's going to hurt, I know. It means detoxing my system of all the crap and carbs that I have been eagerly consuming for the last 6 weeks. Those cravings will take a while to curb. But I can do it. I've done it before.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Zen of squash
Tonight was my 2nd squash outing in more than a year. More like 1.5 years. I keep thinking I'm going to play horribly, but amazingly, I've been pretty good! Okay, last week, my technique was off, the rust on the racquet took a while to shake off, but my endurance and footwork were actually really good. Tonight was 25 times better. There is still a micron-thick layer of rust, but it's peeling away very quickly. My shots were excellent tonight, even my serve. And my endurance and footwork were great. Of course not up to what they could be, but for being off for more than a year, not too shabby!
The one thing I did discover is that I am a more mature, patient, calm player than I was before. And here, I can only attribute this to learning not to be a bruiser in the ring. Muay Thai has taught me patience, to be calmer and strike when the opportunity presents itself, and not to be simply thrash about in anger or out of emotional. Cold and calculating.
All those lessons are directly applicable to squash. Before, I played squash like I spar - hard. It took me many years of playing with A-level players to learn that wacking the ball as hard as I could wasn't going to win me matches - they simply used my power against me. Same thing in the ring - simply brawling isn't going to win me fights. I have to think, plan, be smart about every punch and kick, every shot on the court.
Squash and Muay Thai - definitely a good match, physically and mentally.
I realized tonight that if I play more than just City League, say two other times during the week or the weekend, I'm going to be unstoppable on the court. My anaerobic threshold is huge, and I can run from the front to the back of the court without any effort to get shots which I would have just given up on before. This is going to be a good season. Still some rust to work off, but that's to be expected.
The one thing I did discover is that I am a more mature, patient, calm player than I was before. And here, I can only attribute this to learning not to be a bruiser in the ring. Muay Thai has taught me patience, to be calmer and strike when the opportunity presents itself, and not to be simply thrash about in anger or out of emotional. Cold and calculating.
All those lessons are directly applicable to squash. Before, I played squash like I spar - hard. It took me many years of playing with A-level players to learn that wacking the ball as hard as I could wasn't going to win me matches - they simply used my power against me. Same thing in the ring - simply brawling isn't going to win me fights. I have to think, plan, be smart about every punch and kick, every shot on the court.
Squash and Muay Thai - definitely a good match, physically and mentally.
I realized tonight that if I play more than just City League, say two other times during the week or the weekend, I'm going to be unstoppable on the court. My anaerobic threshold is huge, and I can run from the front to the back of the court without any effort to get shots which I would have just given up on before. This is going to be a good season. Still some rust to work off, but that's to be expected.
Turmoil
I think I need to seek professional help, go back to my therapist. There is something just not right with me lately. I'm depressed, unhappy, anxious, binge eating out of unhappiness, unmotivated and unable to see anything positive in living life. It's not suicidal, I don't think. But I do question the reason and purpose for life in its current state. I don't know what's wrong - job? lack of relationship? training? friends? money? a combination of all of these?
Yesterday I got asked who pissed in my cornflakes the day previous. I knew I was not in a good mood, but didn't think it was that obvious. I guess it was. I know everyone says that mood is simply a matter of deciding to be happy, but seriously, is it that easy? I don't think so. Not for me anyway. I guess it's taking its toll on my relationships with others as well, and I can't let that happen. If I'm unhappy, there's no reason anyone else should be.
I suspect I'm pms'ing right now as I spent a good many hours last night psychoanalysing my relationship with one particular person. I think I expect too much out of my friends. Particularly my male friends. It's horrible! Right now, I'm in a very pissy state of mind and I know it's not doing me any good, but I've got a few issues that I really, really need to get out of my system. I think I'll do that in my paper journal as then I can burn the pages when I'm done with it!!! Whatever the case may be, I need to find some way out of this turmoil that I've been in lately.
Yesterday I got asked who pissed in my cornflakes the day previous. I knew I was not in a good mood, but didn't think it was that obvious. I guess it was. I know everyone says that mood is simply a matter of deciding to be happy, but seriously, is it that easy? I don't think so. Not for me anyway. I guess it's taking its toll on my relationships with others as well, and I can't let that happen. If I'm unhappy, there's no reason anyone else should be.
I suspect I'm pms'ing right now as I spent a good many hours last night psychoanalysing my relationship with one particular person. I think I expect too much out of my friends. Particularly my male friends. It's horrible! Right now, I'm in a very pissy state of mind and I know it's not doing me any good, but I've got a few issues that I really, really need to get out of my system. I think I'll do that in my paper journal as then I can burn the pages when I'm done with it!!! Whatever the case may be, I need to find some way out of this turmoil that I've been in lately.
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