sinking without a weight belt

I have a huge posting done in my other computer, but I can't get it on to this one without a hassle, so maybe it's not meant to be anyway.

I've been in Toronto all week, working at the ROM, and training in the mornings/evenings at a muay thai gym here. It's just been one of those weeks which has been both good and bad - bad because it's been SHIT. Good because it's been a learning experience. But not one I would want again any time soon. To begin with, I arrived in a monsoon. Monday, my mountain bike was stolen from in front of the ROM. Today, I got the shit kicked out of me and a free psychoanalysis and deconvolution of my character all in one. And one of the minerals I am working on is driving me crazy and not playing nicely.

This morning, I had a one hour private lesson. Pad work and then sparring. Possibly one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in a while and has left me feeling a mixture of exhausted, sheepish, lost and emotionally crippled all at the same time. This coupled with the last weeks where I’ve simply been lost and depressed. And I can add sore everywhere and two broken toes to the mix as well.

I sparred with him for 5 rounds, and got hit many, many times over. Nervousness took over and I resorted to my normal bull in a china shop type rushing, which, duh, doesn’t work against a pro fighter, so I got hit harder. Anyway, 5 exhausting rounds later, I sat down in the ring and had a discussion with him, which started off with “you need to relax and be calm and not so angry” (déjà vu, right?) and ended with me now in this somewhat rattled state of being. Essentially, he did a psychoanalysis on me to guess at why I am the way I am in the ring – that I’m filled with anger and it comes out in the ring. Yes. I have huge amounts of anger built up in me from my past and it totally consumes me at times and puts me in a constant suicidal/murderous cycle internally. I just don’t talk about it, or let it out (except obviously in the ring).

I’ve just never had anyone sit down and deconvolute my personality like that before (except my shrink) and he was dead on. He asked if I have a problem with authority. Yes. He said he’s surprised that I have yet to knock anyone out. Me too. Anyway, it threw me for a loop, to have someone I’ve only trained with twice sit me down and give me the facts straight out. And be understanding, not demeaning, as he says he comes from an angry past as well, and has had to work through it, and that fighting was the only thing that actually got rid of that ball of internal anger. He was very positive about my technique, power, stamina and dedication. It’s the emotional issues I have to deal with before I can grow. And I know all this. But have never had it handed to me directly before. He did say that the best fighters are people like me, but who have learned to control that anger and put it to use in the ring, not have it work against me.

8 hours later, I look back at this and realize that now I'm also pissed off at the whole experience because I am convinced he went way too hard on me to begin with. I let him open on me, and it was fucking hard, not technical. But I digress. He's the instructor, I'm the paying student. So I'll let it go. Not entirely sure after 2 sessions a therapy session was called for, but I'm glad that he did (in a way, but in a way also feeling a bit affronted). But I have consumed both honey and maple syrup tonight in frustration, neither of which are good for my training diet, so I know I'm still feeling horrible.

Instead of staying for the remainder of the week, I am going home tomorrow, tail between my legs and wanting my own bed as I have not slept while here at all. I know I'm in a bad head space lately. I know I'm headed back down the depression path, which isn't good at all and I have to stop that sequence of events from happening right now. Ever since April, I've not felt right. The science fair was the tipping point - threw me for a loop and put me right off being a happy, normal person. Now, I have to return to work and I have some higher ups who are not happy with me for regressing, and have probably lost faith in me as well. I think I have some climbing to do up out of this well I've managed to get myself into. It's not a pretty well either, the slides are slick and there's a good chance the fall to the bottom is nearer than I believe.