women and their weight - very dysfunctional relationship

Iowa is in 15 days. 15 days!!! That's just 2 weeks!! Woo hoo!! Right now, I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Tonight was the "night of 1000 kicks" during our Phase II class. When Kruu Bob announced that we would do that, all I could do is stare at him and think "you've GOT to be KIDDING!!!". I'm exhausted. I have two broken toes from pivoting. Last night doing pad work with Nate, I was trashed after about 10 rounds. And he wants me to do 1000 kicks in class? Ya, right. I seriously thought about wimping out, for about 30 seconds, then realized I would be shot if I did!! So I did the class. And almost died and had heartburn for the last half of it, but finished standing up. Luckily, since it's done with a partner, you get a 3 min break every time your partner steps up to kick for a round. But still. At full strength, I would have put on a better show than ~750 kicks in 5 rounds. That's just pitiful! I was trashed by the end of it, but did manage to go and throw punches on the heavy bag for a while to loosen up my arms. But now, having came home and had supper, I'm sore. Aching. I want to cut off my two broken toes. Actually, I think one of them isn't so much broken as the tendon has snapped. I buddy-taped them tonight just to be safe.

I'm fighting at 145 lbs. Right now, I'm 153 lbs. I'd like to step onto the plane on the 10th at 148 lbs or so, which would leave me 3-4 lbs of water weight to lose the morning of the fight.

I'm beginning to understand why girls and women have such a dysfunctional relationship with weight and appearance. Until I started training really hard, I was never really concerned about my weight. I was always heavy, both laziness and genetics taking a role, but never really thought about it. Once you start paying attention, having to make weight, it becomes an issue that is first and foremost on your mind. Case in point. Right now, at 153 lbs, that's about 18% body fat for me. Which is at the low end of normal for a woman. It's also the lightest I've weighed since about 2nd year university. I was about 144 lbs in 1st year. But absolutely no muscle mass. Well, a little from squash, but nothing like now. But even at this point, I look at myself and think I'm fat. Of course it's all around my middle, the infamous spare tire and love handles, the first place that I put on weight to begin with, so I assume that it will be the last to come off. If I hit 145 lbs, not losing water weight, but really at 145 lbs, I'll be 15% body fat. That's well below normal. And I have a sneaky suspicion that I will still look at myself and think "you're fat". That's horrible. No matter how many of my clothes keep falling off of me! The trick after Iowa is going to be staying on a reasonable diet and not falling off the wagon and binging on crap food. A few days off and then back to training. But in a reasonable, normal, human way so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer!

Tomorrow is the last training day of this cycle. Friday is a day off. Whoop!! But tomorrow is a morning run and then some serious pad and bag work with another one of our male fighters in the evening before our science fair committee supper (which is going to be hell because I can't drink and it's supposed to be a celebration). Friday I can relax and recoup. Let my muscles stop screaming for NSAIDS!! Speaking of which, I should go find some of those...