Much better tonight

Although very tired, I'm in a better mood, more positive, right now. After a very, very long day, I came home and got ready to go to Muay Thai, hopefully to redeem myself after Tuesday's disasterous session. Had a bit of food, and managed to chat with a close friend for a bit, which actually did alot of good and raised my spirits (energy levels?).

I headed off to Muay Thai, eager to get a good workout. I had a chance to talk to Kruu before class, told him that I was really frustrated Tuesday at lunch and he just grinned. He said that everyone has days like that and the trick is just to work through them. Good advice. I partnered up with an experienced guy for the class and had a great workout. Focused on my technique, protecting my face with my right hand (bad habit I keep forgetting about), and put alot of effort into everything. It felt really good. I think I've redeemed myself. I felt like I improved - Kruu told me to stand up straighter on my kicks and that felt alot better than the other position I was in (slightly back and bent over). By the end of the session, even though Kruu Sacha made us do alot of core strengthening exercises towards, I felt good, as if I had purged all sorts of nastiness from my body via sweat.

Now I'm just relaxing for the evening. My presentation at the All Staff meeting this morning went exceptionally well. It's always a good sign when people are laughing and nodding their heads. I think there is abundant support for my new position, which makes me confident that we'll be able to make this work. Strange how the worst part of all of this was internally within my own Division eh? Maybe that's a personal perception issue as well. Anyway, long live the Research Liaison!!!

*sigh*

Just got home from an exec meeting and then a quick beer afterwards. I had a bit of a relevation this morning. I went and talked to Claude about the ups and downs of martial arts. The last couple of days have been frustrating, I haven't been happy with my performance, frustrated at being paired up with someone quite a bit less experienced than me, etc. Claude reminded me that when you're paired up with a partner, they are there for you just as much as YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM. It's true. I had forgotten that. Maybe I was bored and not getting as much of a workout as I wanted, but my partner probably got alot of out being paired with a more experienced partner. It was a bit of a lightbulb going on in my head. He's right. That's part of the game - learning from someone else, supporting someone else, and then having someone teaching you and supporting you. Not necessarily the same person for both roles. Maybe it can be, but maybe it doesn't have to be.

It was a good pause in my understanding and awareness of the big picture. Sometimes being totally internally focused is not such a good thing. On the other hand, you have to protect yourself and make sure you are happy and living up to your own standards.

Tired though. I think I'm headed to bed. 'Nother long day tomorrow. Today's executive meeting went alot better than the one last month. A few russled feathers smoothed over. We've still got some issues with the ORSF, but it's more insecurity, panic, than anything and I think we'll be ok. Just gotta bring the money in and everyone will be happy. It's hard listening to people complain, panic, when you know there are other issues one the table.

the christmas season stress/depression has begun

Talk about a frustrating couple of weeks. My fuse is starting to feel very, very short and I find myself having to watch carefully my reaction to everything going on. Think it's time for a bit of a break. Although, unfortunately, Christmas is coming up and that's just another source of frustration and stress.

Ah ha!! That's what this is!! It's the annual month-long build up to the Christmas stress/hell!!! This all makes sense now!

I so don't want to go to Sudbury for Christmas. Relatives upon relatives. My father actually have the cahones to email me (the one account I haven't blocked him on) and ask if I plan to go visit him and his girlfriend over the holidays. Um, let's take a look at that a bit more in-depth shall we? Last year, Rob and I actually attempted to visit him and he told us no. And given the last months and the various blow-outs and insults, etc., I really don't think this is appropriate. He even stooped as low as having his girlfriend email me all happy and friendly-like. I think she's completely snowed. Is she blind? I would guess that she believes ME to be the evil daughter in this scenario and thinks he is completely innocent and the victim here. HA!! Go talk to my therapist lady. It's amazing I'm not still attending a session every week, twice a week for that matter!! I've probably already put my therapist's children through university!

He's such a fucking narcissist. My therapist said that if he'd truly accomplished something at rehab last year, that the first thing he would be doing is admitting his past evils and trying to understand why the bad feelings now. He hasn't done that. Not at all. And that seems to translate to other members of my family so I catch hell from others as well, I get called a hypocritical tw0-faced bitch as he doesn't listen and tells completely different stories to everyone to make him look good.

Okay, enough ranting. Maybe I should just go to Cuba or something for the holidays. Because even with my mom's side of the family, the guilt just flows. If I didn't go to Sudbury? Oh, of course, I'd get the stock "I understand" answer, but the guilt is just impregnated into that response. My brother is staying in Toronto for the main holidays, then heading north. He doesn't seem to feel guilty, but he's got a kid and a wife so can hide behind that. Me? Nope. No excuse (apparently the dog and friends don't count) so I'm stuck going up north, driving in hellish weather and bad roads, only to feel like a black sheep for the entire time I'm there.

What a stupid fucking holiday. No wonder why depression levels increase in the general population at christmas. Is there anyone out there who actually does like this holiday?

So, now that I know why the slight depression and frustration increase, I guess it's a matter of how to deal with it. Think I'm pms'ing too. Going out and getting completely sloshed sounds good, although that usually winds up hurting for 2 days and costs alot of money.

So I'll go to Muay Thai instead, get my frustrations out that way. Except I went at lunch today and it was a disaster (another reason for the bitchy mood). Usually lunch hour classes are fairly high-level and I was looking for a workout. And it could have been, except that the girl I wound up being paired up with was fairly new and slightly uncoordinated and therefore I did more teaching than a real work out. Very, very frustrating. I was going to go for a run tonight, but I feel like shit so will sit here and mope.

argh.

"ask forgiveness later rather than asking permission first". Argh. Now THERE'S a statement that has just totally pissed me off. Why is it that fundraising and money brings out the worst/best in people? Our Regional Fair chair wants to ask forgiveness from YSF if we happen to step on their toes, rather than talking to them first. That so pisses me off. On the CWSF front, we have been working for YEARS to develop a good relationship with YSF, one that will be the baseline for future CWSF committees, completely erasing history and the bad vibes that have existed between YSF and host committees for the last decade. And we've been doing a good job at it - we talk to them regularly, we have submitted a number of fundraising proposals together, and finally have developed an open relationship between the two groups. Personally, I'm very proud of this and hope to see other years have the same good working relationship. If we adopt the "ask forgiveness later" attitude, that fucks everything up and completely undermines what we have been trying to do.

I think the issue is people NOT understanding the CWSF process, the role of YSF (okay, so maybe that has problems internally as well, but that's not the issue here!), and the relationship that CWSF-YSF is supposed to have. But I will not accept someone trying to undermine what we have worked on, no matter how much money is involved.

I sent back a somewhat abrupt email. I think I had to. He can be a bit too agressive at times and that worries me. Yes, we need money. Who doesn't? But it's coming in, we're doing an excellent job.

Argh. Okay, off to a partnership meeting at CFI.

Love Actually on tv

Watching "Love Actually" on tv, one of my favorite movies. Almost makes me optimistic about the whole 'falling in love' thing. Besides, who can resist Alan Rickman? There's just something about him. :) Pretty much seen every single movie he's in, most of them many times over! I hope the next "Harry Potter" movie has more shots of him in it. I know, sad, but hey, everyone's gotta have a favorite actor.

Took the puppy for a play session this afternoon - he's doing really well! He loves to wrestle with me - he grabs his rope, tugs away, growling viciously the whole time, and then runs off with it. When we wrestle, he sounds like a demon from hell - all growling and barking and nastiness. Way too cute, although someone listening might be frightened!

Just worked out my training schedule for the next week. I need to start getting up early in the morning to get in a run or a bike ride on the trainer. With Muay Thai in the evenings (or meetings), I need to find time to get the cardio/fat-burning workout done. I got in a ride on the trainer tonight, after not being on my bike in the last many months. Since Banff actually.

I went and bought some polysporin cream for my knees this morning. They've stopped aching and are healing, but were a bit red earlier. Stupid heavy bag!!

knees and horses

An hour on the heavy bags at the academy yesterday afternoon and today my knees are all scrapped up and very sore!! The outside of the biggest bag is rough and managed to rip up my knees. It hurts like hell to kick it as well! I spent last night in a somewhat uncomfortable state, not wanting to let the duvet hit the knees. I think I might have to find some polysporin, and ask Kruu if this is normal until your legs get used to the abuse.


I'm watching CBC and the Sunday show - the topic right now is using horses for therapy. I can see how that can work. I think back to my times at the Double E. Strangely enough, I got an email from Chad yesterday and we've decided we need to book another trip to EE next summer. I think I'll go for 2 weeks this time, plenty of time to chill out, enjoy the Ranch and get rid of the stresses that I know are going to weight hugely on my mind but that point in the year. I'll have to email Debbie and put in my reservation now. :)

(Double E Ranch, Gila, New Mexico, July 2004)

Our happy group from the Double E, July 2005

Ugh, horrible nightmare

Woke up at 7am this morning with an absolutely horrible nightmare still running through my head. No, not a dream about monsters or killers or other horrors. It was actually about the science fair!! I know, that sounds entirely geeky, but it was horrible! I dreamt that we were having a large convention of some sorts, including an executive meeting, and problems began when one of our co-chairs decided to take complete control of all activity, not talking to anyone, and then sided with L to cause a complete revolt against the rest of us. Okay, so that doesn't sound all that bad, but for me, it was not a nice dream to have. I felt betrayed, especially by L who is like a big sister for me, very disturbed, unhappy. Oh man, I didn't wake up in a good mood, and am feeling quite unnerved right now still. Too complicated to fully explain, but it was disturbing. It ended in a very strange fashion, with a completely different cast of characters, but at least it was a bit more comforting.

I think my mind is just on a bit of a roller coaster after the last couple of weeks - lots of things to think about, alot of serious discussions, both personal and professional, to be had. All insecurities and fears are rearing up. So today is a complete day off. I do have a lecture to complete for Monday, but today I am going to go spend a few hours at the gym, maybe getting rid of this disturbed feeling by going a few rounds on the heavy bag. If I could find a sparring partner, that would be great too.

2 greyhounds?

Been a long couple of days here and I'm glad that the weekend is nearly upon us. Tuesday I went to Muay Thai at lunch hour and experienced my first sparring match. Kruu Sacha was teaching and there were only 3 of us in the class. We started off with some pyramid drills, 6-combination punches, etc. Phase II drills actually. We were just going to start with new kicks and elbows when Kruu Bob came in and told us to grab our gloves and get over to the ring - we were going to beat up on Sacha for a while! Not having sparred before, I was quite excited!! I had just told Sacha that I was curious to know what it actually feels like to be hit - better to know than to be afraid of it, right? Here was my chance!! We donned mouthguards and 16 oz gloves and entered the ring for a 3 minute round. Only boxing first, then in a Muay Thai stance. What a blast!! I learned something very important - keep your hands up and protect your face. Sacha got in a couple of jabs to my face, in particular my nose, and a hook to my head when I dropped my right hand while throwing my left. It's hard to get the upper and lower part of your body working together in the ring!! In practice, sure, it's slow and controlled. I was all excited and adrenaline was rushing through my body. A good lesson learned - stay relaxed, controlled and let your opponent come to you. However, for a first time, it was great! I can't wait to do more. Although 2 hours later, my face was hurting - my nose took a bit of a beating! Still slightly sensitive now, but that's all part of the game. More, more more!! I need to go and buy 12 oz gloves and a better mouthguard now. And shin guards. I figure I'll try for Phase II in the new year, but if Kruu figures I'm advanced enough right now to handle sparring, I could probably go for Phase II now as well. But having learned that it takes a long time before moves in practice aren't fully incorporated into muscle memory yet, I think a few more months in Phase I is fine by me.

Today, I received a call from GRA, the greyhound adoption agency where I got Abbey. Apparently his sister, Dottie, is back up for adoption as her owners' landlord told them that they could not have a dog. She's a really sweet dog - goofy like Abbey, brindle in colour, and I wound so love to have her. But, realistically, 2 huge dogs? I need to move first. And all the costs would double. As much as I would love to drive down to London and get her, I don't think I can. I'm still debating, but it's an argument between the irrational and logical sides of my brain. I'm not sure which one is winning!!

UFC 65 - GSP!!

UFC 65
Georges St. Pierre is the Welterweight UFC champion! Yeah!! And he did it in impressive fashion – dominated Matt Hughes from the start, resisting submissions and keeping the fight to a stand-up game. The final blow – a left kick to the head which just dropped Hughes on his ass!! But GSP had gotten in a number of excellent punches, kicks and knees throughout both rounds. Awesome fight. Yeah for Canada!! The Heavyweight championship fight with Tim Silvia and Jeff Monson wasn’t impressive at all – a lot of standing around throwing little punches. Monson tried to take Silvia down a number of times, but Silvia countered with sprawls which did give Monson any chance for a mount. The fight went 5 full rounds, with a unanimous decision to Silvia, but BORING!

I did a 3 hour Filipino martial arts (or Kali) session yesterday afternoon. This has the potential of being a very vicious form of self-defense! It is actually a system martial art techniques that employs single, double and short-long weaponry, as well as grappling and hand-to-hand combat. It’s an extremely effective long and short-range combat MA, used by Filipino warriors. Very effective for injuring or killing your opponent, with or without a weapon, as well as for disarming an attacker. We worked with two rattan sticks, one short to represent a dagger, and the other a 2.5’ staff which represents either a stick or a sword. It’s very different than Muay Thai, more complicated I found, but I think complimentary, Kruu believes in being well-rounded, and I think that once a week I will take Kali along with MT. Never hurts to know these techniques, although I hope that I never have need for them except in practice/training!

DaVinci Code - finally saw it

TGIF.

Apparently my last post on the Fifth Estate's CC documentary caught the attention of a "Friends of Science" supporter, a denialist. Interesting! How he found it in the midst of so many other blog posts, I'll never know, but hey, all publicity is good publicity. Personally, I think that anyone who denies that humans are having a huge impact on the rate of Global Warming either (1) has their own agenda governed by either money or politics (probably both) or (2) needs their head examined and doesn't understand scientific research at all.

I'm watching "Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray right now. It's one of my favorite movies. After Banff, and with recent events and contemplations, it seems to strike at a deeper core than it had ever before. Two people who find themselves outside of their element, who find in each other a common belief system and the grounds for unexpected intimacy of feelings. One of the statements on the outside of the DVD says "Ms. Coppola's film contemplates the unexpected connections we make but may not last... but stay with us forever". It's a fascinating film. The relationship between the two main characters seems way too familar to me - an unexpected attraction but of which nothing can come due to reality.

Earlier, I watched "The DaVinci Code", which I must admit I was a bit disappointed in. The book was very good (although Dan Brown's other novels are much better, especially "Deception Point"), but the movie lacked some of the more interesting information. A function of needing to appease a general audience and keep the running time to 2.5 hours I suspect. I'm glad to have rented it as it would have been a waste of money to see it at the theatre. Apparnetly "Angels & Demons" is in production. Maybe that will be better.

The Denial Machine - Fifth Estate Climate Change documentary

Yup, I pulled a complete dumbass move. I was doing laundry tonight and realized that I should probably through my Muay Thai gear into the mix - shorts, shirts and, of course, my bright red handwraps, which have not been washed before. I now own a couple of pink shirts, some pink socks, a pink-splotched towel, and a pink sports bra!! Oh well. Maybe pink will grow on me...

I signed up to do a 3 hour Filipino weaponry workshop on Saturday at my gym. I talked to Kruu Bob tonight and he said it's an excellent one-on-one streetfighting technique, and teaches alot of coordination and how to deal with an armed attacker. Not that I'm feeling like getting into a streetfight in the near future, but I think it's always good to learn a new technique and become well-rounded.

"The Denial Machine" on Fifth Estate (Wednesday, Nov. 15th, 9pm)

Note: I'm taking notes as I watch the show, for anyone who didn't catch it. These are my own brain farts and paraphrased quotes from the documentary. See www.cbc.ca/fifth for the transcript.

CC = climate change

From Frank Luntz's (communications strategist) 16 page guide for Bush on the use of certain words/tones to influence people:

"The science isn't conclusive"
"The costs of prevention are too high"

Rule # 1 - never use the term "Global warming" - implies cataclysmic destruction
Rule #2 - never call yourself an environmentalist

Bush proposes a 18% reduction in greenhouse gas intensity by 2012 - what the hell is that? = emissions/size of US economy = absolute % of CO2 in atmosphere could still rise as this only relies on economic growth.

Tobacco/cigarette history might repeat itself wrt to the oil and gas industry - ie. companies paying off scientists to insist that there really isn't a problem - the same guy who backed up the tobacco industry, Dr. Fred Singer, along with other tobacco lobbyists, are now backing up the oil/gas industry and trying to convince people that global warming is false.

(Tobacco + global warming debunkers, denialists in the same camp. Yeesh. How scary is that? Throw in ID and we're all fucked!)

Exxon: richest corporation in the world (this is not something I knew)
- right at the centre of the denial ring and CC debate
- bring on the same tobacco lobbyists scientists
- Exxon lists a $10,000 + $65,000 donation to Dr. Singer's research group and "foundation"

(Wow, this Singer guy is a creep!)

Exxon versus Canada
- David Anderson, former Minister of the Environment taking flack from the Whitehouse

- Dr. Tim Ball (University of Winnipeg) - mainstream science of Climate Change "theory" is a crock (Earth is actually cooling down? Bring on the penguins folks!)
- rejects idea that man-made emissions are at fault

(oh my god, this man has a PhD in climate change!! From where?! I think he bought one of those degrees that I get advertisements for in my hotmail inbox!! Hasn't published in a CC scientific journal in 15 years!)

- heads "Friends of Science" CC denial group - filtering money through foundations/organizations to avoid showing that their money is from oil/gas in Calgary - Imperial Oil (ie. Exxon) and Apco Worldwide (same company that headed the tobacco denial issue)
- recent research suggests that 50% of Canadians think there is a big scientific debate about climate change
- "Climate Catastrophy Cancelled" - video debunking CC produced by 'Friends of Science'

(oh no, I just saw a UofO isotope geology prof's name on the letter written to Harper headed by Fred Singer debunking CC - Oh that's not a good thing! What did you do man?!!)

Harpers "Clean Air" act - no mandatory emission cuts, Canada's emissions 50% higher than the USA's; participation in Kyoto DEAD (dead like a dodo - anyone else out there, other than Banffers, see "Flock of Dodos"?)

banff revisited after the final blog installment

Taking a few minutes out of the afternoon mineralogy lab to share a bit of my thoughts, take a breather, etc.

I read the last entry in A's Banff blog this afternoon and I must say it touched me. Not that I haven't read and re-read the entire blog many, many times, but somehow the last entry, reading about that last day, really affected me. A, I realize it was written after the fact, not in the moment, but it still conveys a sense of what the last day was like. But not entirely. How does one fully capture a day of emotional and mental exhaustion, of extreme nervous tension, a huge relief once the project was presented, and then the crash and onset of depression 1/2 an hour later in response to the realization that it was all over. I remember standing, listening to Arc's presentation in the foyer, my arm around Michael and vice versa. I think it was an act of trying to hold each other up, emotionally and physically. Then it was back to euphoric and celebratory at the Banff Centre president's house, engaging in relieved, excited conversations with participants and sponsors alike. Watching Jay try and move an umbrella bigger than he was across the deck. That, for whatever reason, sticks in my mind because it lead to a discussion with him on that porch that carried on way into the early hours that night. "What was the highlight of the 2 weeks?" one of the sponsors asked me. I couldn't answer. There was no one particular highlight. I couldn't begin to pick just one. It would depend - personal? professional? emotional? physical? within our group? drunk or sober? all the above? So A, your blog tells it like it was, yes, but I read it and my mind/heart automatically inserts the associated emotions, some of which still pull hard to this day. I remember balloons being shuffled back and forth from building to building and then from res door to res door (I still have that note). The party was a flop, yes, as no one had the emotional or physical stamina to celebrate for more than 2 hours to some really eclectic mix of music. I remember tearful goodbyes, not wanting to let go, and some people simply sneaking off into the night. But knowing that goodbye isn't forever and that we would meet again.

Breakfast Sunday morning was sparse - not even a whole table of us left, and certainly a quieter group than had ever eaten together before. We raided the Kiln, using up extra cash on our food cards for the trip back! I sat beside Mark on the bus on the way to the airport, deep in thought, aware that I was heading back to reality. I made a call to my dogsitter to assure them that I would be home to get him. I sat in the airport, in my own little world, and wrote the article that appeared in the last CSWA Science Link. I didn't write it for anyone but myself ultimately, as an outpouring of the emotion that at that time was overwhelming me. And, honestly, that same emotion that is overwhelming me again today as I think back.

It was an intense 2 weeks, not really reality, but the emotions are real. The experiences are real. The skills and confidence I gained are real.

The friends I made are real, and I miss everyone dearly.

I maybe don't speak about Banff as much as I should, but I hold it close to me like protecting a baby hedgehog. It's still too raw, but it's getting better. When I do speak about it, I can't stop.

I think about Banff every single day, dream of tulips, balloons and mountains. I read and re-read the blog. Some days it makes me smile. Other days, it brings tears to my eyes. But at all times, the program and my new friends are a source of strength.

A month in Phuket in 2008 - something to look forward to

Three straight days of Muay Thai and my body feels as though I've been run over by a truck! Tonight was the clincher (literally and figuratively!) - an extremely tough session. It began with 3 rounds of various parry techniques. Hold your arms in a boxing position for a good 18 minutes and see what your shoulders feel like!! Then try defending jabs. Next up, 3 rounds of a left kick followed by a right cross and left hook. Over and over and over. I must remember to point my toe when I kick. My partner, all 6' 5" of him, had an extremely powerful kick and I'm feeling the effects of that now - my elbows are stiffening up from where I was holding the pads and blocking his kicks. If I don't have bruises on my forearms tomorrow, it will be amazing. Next up, 1 kick, 2 clenched knees and another kick. Hands up folks! You drop your hands, you get a punch in the head. It's exhausting though. But what a great time and a great way to work up a sweat and keep your heart racing. I've gone to 10 classes now in Phase I and need roughly 30 classes before I can contemplate testing for Phase II. No rush though. It's all about practice, muscle memory, and technique. Without technique, power or speed mean nothing.

I'm contemplating taking a few months off after CWSF 2008. One of my plans right now is to take off to Thailand and spend a month in Phuket at a Muay Thai training camp. Then tour Asia (Thailand, Vietnam, Laos) and later head up to India and end in Nepal or on the Tibetan plateau. I figure by fall 2008, I will have all my loans paid off and could afford to take the time off (and, knowing what the 6 months leading up to and including the CWSF will be like, I will NEED to take the time off to recouperate). Provided my interest in Muay Thai continues, I would be well equipped (and have a high enough fitness level) to survive 6 hours of training per day in Thailand. What an experience that would be! Discipline and focus as its best.

On another note, sleep finally came to me around 3am this morning, partially aided by 1/2 a Nytol. I could have written more in my blog last night, but alot of what was running through my head was too personal and I wasn't feeling like sharing that much. Part of my thoughts came out in an MSN conversation earlier this evening, whether for better or worse. The rest of my thoughts came out in a very extensive email to my adopted big sister who will understand more than most. What would the world be like if everyone spoke their mind, didn't hide feelings, and were open and honest at all times? Would it be scary? Total chaos? I'm attempting to live my life in a completely open, honest state. A Banffer state to a point. Sometimes that may cause problems as some individuals cannot handle open and honest communication. A couple of years ago, I wasn't the most open person and did not welcome or invite open communication with me. I think I'm changing. I'd like to say I'm open, but I know I'm not all the time. My defences can be invoked very easily, even by people with whom I'm generally quite open. Doesn't take much either. I'm guarded, I know that. It's a fear of getting hurt, a fear of trusting.

Anyway, the next two days are spent at the Science & Technology Awareness Network annual meeting. Tomorrow is an afternoon of business/planning meetings. Political from what I've heard but will find out more tomorrow. Friday is all invited speakers, including the head of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, Sir Rolland Jackson, and others. I am very excited to hear Jackson speak. The BA is so far advanced compared to organizations here in Canada. We are badly in need of such an organization here.

Random yabbering, gerbils running strong

I started back at Muay Thai last night after a 5 week absence following a partial tear of my left calf muscle. In that short (?) time, I feel like I manage to lose all my strength and grace in movement. I was going every day back in September, and to lose all that time, it's like being a beginner again. But Kruu took it slow last night as there were alot of beginners in the class, and that was helpful - better to take it slow and make sure the calf is going to stand up to intense work again. So far so good. I went again today at noon and it feels good to be back at it. With the last couple of days, last week actually, of stress, getting back to beating the crap out of some pads feels kinda nice! Although my right foot and knee are bruised...

Been feeling very disoriented the last 2 weeks or so. I'm not sure what that can be attributed too - probably the incredible abundance of meetings and running around. I've not been in at the NHB more than a full day a week in the last while, spending most of my time at the university and the VMMB. It's been productive, but I feel like my cubicle has become simply a space for my coffee cups which are growing increasingly fuzzy in my absence. This week isn't going to be any better.

Thoughts circulating in my head at this point in time are revolving around men and relationships and how to deal with all of that, all the emotions involved. Dealing with emotions, bad or good, seems to get more complicated as the days and weeks go by.

See, now my brain has gone blank. This is what happens when you watch tv and blog at the same time!! Will now go focus my attention on the mindless tv.

533 days, 1 hr, 11 min

I found this little program called "time left" and have loaded it onto my computer. It is a clock, essentially, but will do a countdown to a certain day(s). I have set May 10th, 2008 as my target date and therefore it sits on my desktop, counting down the exact days, hours, minutes and seconds left until the first day of the 2008 CWSF. Okay, maybe that's a little obsessive?! A little panic-inducing initially, realizing we only have 553 days left to plan this event, but a little calming as well cause hey! we have 553 days left to plan this event!

Friday. This week is finally over. So thankful right now! I have a weekend to myself, for the first time in about 6 weeks. Long dog walks in the Park and leisurely coffee sessions are on the agenda. Actually, I do have science fair stuff to do - reorganize the schedule and finalize the list of rooms for UofO. And prepare a proposal for CASC 2007. Ugh, maybe this isn't going to be such a relaxing weekend after all!

Goggy lump scare - whew!

Life this week has moved too quickly for me to follow it entirely!! Meetings after lectures after meetings after labs and so on. But we've got alot done and hashed out re: CWSF 2008, which makes me a bit less nervous. Planning is coming along and we're switching gears in our fundraising plan a bit. On top of this, Abbey developed a 'lump' on the weekend while at Champ's place and this has had me panicked for the last 5 days. It feels kind of gel-like, but, rather than worrying about it, I brought him to the vet's this afternoon and he did a needle biopsy. He didn't remove alot from the infamous lump, just some blood. Given that it's not really solid, but more crater-like with a fluid/gel centre, he believes it's a haematoma from some sort of bump or bang. Not surprising since it formed this weekend and Abbey and Champ play pretty hard together. But at least having it checked out lets me relax. The big "C" is a scary thing for greyhound owners!

On another note, I went and got a third tattoo yesterday. It's on my right bicep, in pure black, and is the Buddhist mantra "Om Mani Padme Hum" (which translates, very loosely, to "Hail to the jewel in the centre of the lotus") in Tibetan script. It's 1" tall, and 3.5" wide, not visible when I have a t-shirt on.

Explanation of mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum
The first, Om is composed of three letters, A, U, and M. These symbolize the practitioner's impure body, speech, and mind; they also symbolize the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha.
Can impure body, speech, and mind be transformed into pure body, speech, and mind, or are they entirely separate? All Buddhas are cases of beings who were like ourselves and then in dependence on the path became enlightened; Buddhism does not assert that there is anyone who from the beginning is free from faults and possesses all good qualities. The development of pure body, speech, and mind comes from gradually leaving the impure states arid their being transformed into the pure.
How is this done? The path is indicated by the next four syllables. Mani, meaning jewel, symbolizes the factors of method-the altruistic intention to become enlightened, compassion, and love. Just as a jewel is capable of removing poverty, so the altruistic mind of enlightenment is capable of removing the poverty, or difficulties, of cyclic existence and of solitary peace. Similarly, just as a jewel fulfills the wishes of sentient beings, so the altruistic intention to become enlightened fulfills the wishes of sentient beings.
The two syllables, padme, meaning lotus, symbolize wisdom. Just as a lotus grows forth from mud but is not sullied by the faults of mud, so wisdom is capable of putting you in a situation of non-contradiction whereas there would be contradiction if you did not have wisdom. There is wisdom realizing impermanence, wisdom realizing that persons are empty, of being self-sufficient or substantially existent, wisdom that realizes the emptiness of duality-that is to say, of difference of entity between subject an object-and wisdom that realizes the emptiness of inherent existence. Though there are many different types of wisdom, the main of all these is the wisdom realizing emptiness.
Purity must be achieved by an indivisible unity of method and wisdom, symbolized by the final syllable hum, which indicates indivisibility. According to the sutra system, this indivisibility of method and wisdom refers to wisdom affected by method and method affected by wisdom. In the mantra, or tantric, vehicle, it refers to one consciousness in which there is the full form of both wisdom and method as one undifferentiable entity. In terms of the seed syllables of the five Conqueror Buddhas, hum is the seed syllable of Akshobhya - the immovable, the unfluctuating, that which cannot be disturbed by anything.
Thus the six syllables, om mani padme hum, mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha. It is said that you should not seek for Buddhahood outside of yourself; the substances for the achievement of Buddhahood are within.
Om Mani Pedme Hum (or Om Mani Pedme Hung), is the most common mantra in Tibet, recited by Buddhists, painted or carved on rocks, prayer wheels, or yak skulls and seen around most usually. Tibetan people, almost all Buddhists, do believe that it is very good to practice the mantra of Chenrezi, the Bodhisattva of Compassion (The protective deity of Tibet), which may, relieve negative karma, accumulate merit, help rescue them from the sea of suffering and achieve Buddhahood. Speaking the mantra loud or silently, spinning prayer wheels with the mantra, and carving mantra into stones are the usual practices.