Talk about a frustrating couple of weeks. My fuse is starting to feel very, very short and I find myself having to watch carefully my reaction to everything going on. Think it's time for a bit of a break. Although, unfortunately, Christmas is coming up and that's just another source of frustration and stress.
Ah ha!! That's what this is!! It's the annual month-long build up to the Christmas stress/hell!!! This all makes sense now!
I so don't want to go to Sudbury for Christmas. Relatives upon relatives. My father actually have the cahones to email me (the one account I haven't blocked him on) and ask if I plan to go visit him and his girlfriend over the holidays. Um, let's take a look at that a bit more in-depth shall we? Last year, Rob and I actually attempted to visit him and he told us no. And given the last months and the various blow-outs and insults, etc., I really don't think this is appropriate. He even stooped as low as having his girlfriend email me all happy and friendly-like. I think she's completely snowed. Is she blind? I would guess that she believes ME to be the evil daughter in this scenario and thinks he is completely innocent and the victim here. HA!! Go talk to my therapist lady. It's amazing I'm not still attending a session every week, twice a week for that matter!! I've probably already put my therapist's children through university!
He's such a fucking narcissist. My therapist said that if he'd truly accomplished something at rehab last year, that the first thing he would be doing is admitting his past evils and trying to understand why the bad feelings now. He hasn't done that. Not at all. And that seems to translate to other members of my family so I catch hell from others as well, I get called a hypocritical tw0-faced bitch as he doesn't listen and tells completely different stories to everyone to make him look good.
Okay, enough ranting. Maybe I should just go to Cuba or something for the holidays. Because even with my mom's side of the family, the guilt just flows. If I didn't go to Sudbury? Oh, of course, I'd get the stock "I understand" answer, but the guilt is just impregnated into that response. My brother is staying in Toronto for the main holidays, then heading north. He doesn't seem to feel guilty, but he's got a kid and a wife so can hide behind that. Me? Nope. No excuse (apparently the dog and friends don't count) so I'm stuck going up north, driving in hellish weather and bad roads, only to feel like a black sheep for the entire time I'm there.
What a stupid fucking holiday. No wonder why depression levels increase in the general population at christmas. Is there anyone out there who actually does like this holiday?
So, now that I know why the slight depression and frustration increase, I guess it's a matter of how to deal with it. Think I'm pms'ing too. Going out and getting completely sloshed sounds good, although that usually winds up hurting for 2 days and costs alot of money.
So I'll go to Muay Thai instead, get my frustrations out that way. Except I went at lunch today and it was a disaster (another reason for the bitchy mood). Usually lunch hour classes are fairly high-level and I was looking for a workout. And it could have been, except that the girl I wound up being paired up with was fairly new and slightly uncoordinated and therefore I did more teaching than a real work out. Very, very frustrating. I was going to go for a run tonight, but I feel like shit so will sit here and mope.
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2 comments:
"My brother is staying in Toronto for the main holidays, then heading north. He doesn't seem to feel guilty, but he's got a kid and a wife so can hide behind that."
Maybe your brother doesn't feel guilty because he's not hiding behind his family - maybe he genuinely wants his son to start having a holiday tradition at his own home and not bounce between in-laws in Northern Ontario. Just a thought...
Anyways, he is hoping to see you around the holiday time.
I was looking for comments regarding Christmas and depression and dealing with loosing the most that you hold dear.
I have no answers, and I understand the anger that this season can invoke. There are so many outlandish expectations invoked at this time of year. No wonder those who are depressed drop like flies. I do believe though, that buried under the hype and the expectations, is the kernel of joy that this holiday season attempts to evoke. (and perhaps right there is the essence of the problem - as you say, we should not be looking to this time of year to do what we should be doing all year round - loving each other and treating each other with respect).
I practice no religion, I just believe in caring for each other, which is a very challenging task, particularly when you are depressed. I stupidly tried to take the road out the other night - selfish, self-indulgent and wreaked havoc upon my sons. Christmas will probably never be the same for them. Let us pull ourselves together, and try to go past the anger screaming, which I know that I scream every night. I believe it will get better. If not, I know I have to let go.
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