banff revisited after the final blog installment

Taking a few minutes out of the afternoon mineralogy lab to share a bit of my thoughts, take a breather, etc.

I read the last entry in A's Banff blog this afternoon and I must say it touched me. Not that I haven't read and re-read the entire blog many, many times, but somehow the last entry, reading about that last day, really affected me. A, I realize it was written after the fact, not in the moment, but it still conveys a sense of what the last day was like. But not entirely. How does one fully capture a day of emotional and mental exhaustion, of extreme nervous tension, a huge relief once the project was presented, and then the crash and onset of depression 1/2 an hour later in response to the realization that it was all over. I remember standing, listening to Arc's presentation in the foyer, my arm around Michael and vice versa. I think it was an act of trying to hold each other up, emotionally and physically. Then it was back to euphoric and celebratory at the Banff Centre president's house, engaging in relieved, excited conversations with participants and sponsors alike. Watching Jay try and move an umbrella bigger than he was across the deck. That, for whatever reason, sticks in my mind because it lead to a discussion with him on that porch that carried on way into the early hours that night. "What was the highlight of the 2 weeks?" one of the sponsors asked me. I couldn't answer. There was no one particular highlight. I couldn't begin to pick just one. It would depend - personal? professional? emotional? physical? within our group? drunk or sober? all the above? So A, your blog tells it like it was, yes, but I read it and my mind/heart automatically inserts the associated emotions, some of which still pull hard to this day. I remember balloons being shuffled back and forth from building to building and then from res door to res door (I still have that note). The party was a flop, yes, as no one had the emotional or physical stamina to celebrate for more than 2 hours to some really eclectic mix of music. I remember tearful goodbyes, not wanting to let go, and some people simply sneaking off into the night. But knowing that goodbye isn't forever and that we would meet again.

Breakfast Sunday morning was sparse - not even a whole table of us left, and certainly a quieter group than had ever eaten together before. We raided the Kiln, using up extra cash on our food cards for the trip back! I sat beside Mark on the bus on the way to the airport, deep in thought, aware that I was heading back to reality. I made a call to my dogsitter to assure them that I would be home to get him. I sat in the airport, in my own little world, and wrote the article that appeared in the last CSWA Science Link. I didn't write it for anyone but myself ultimately, as an outpouring of the emotion that at that time was overwhelming me. And, honestly, that same emotion that is overwhelming me again today as I think back.

It was an intense 2 weeks, not really reality, but the emotions are real. The experiences are real. The skills and confidence I gained are real.

The friends I made are real, and I miss everyone dearly.

I maybe don't speak about Banff as much as I should, but I hold it close to me like protecting a baby hedgehog. It's still too raw, but it's getting better. When I do speak about it, I can't stop.

I think about Banff every single day, dream of tulips, balloons and mountains. I read and re-read the blog. Some days it makes me smile. Other days, it brings tears to my eyes. But at all times, the program and my new friends are a source of strength.