Ah, no more teaching!!!

Long time no write eh? Been a long last couple of days - Mineral Science Piss-up friday at lunch, then down to Elgin Street to pick up a friend, then to pick up Jeff Crelinsten, who was our moderator for the Cafe Scientifique that evening at the Royal Oak. The Cafe was a hit actually! We had about 40 people there, and there were not that many staff, which was a big change from the one last month. Jeff was a great moderator - he even managed to tell one of the more obnoxious participants to "shut the fuck up" in a nice, polite way! I was impressed. He did an excellent job and I would bring him back again.

I think I made a mistake upon coming home though. I've got a situation on my hands that I'd preferably not be caught in, but on the other hand don't want to get out of. I got home after driving a friend home, and the gerbils in my head were running strong. I decided that I would send an email to this friend who shares the situation with me. No, not a drunken email!! I was sober! But maybe it was crossing a line. Maybe I just have to let this drop and go cold turkey. I very much have feelings for him, am unsure of his for me (I'm pretty certain he's confused about his own feelings) but decided I would try and explain those, again, again, to him. Maybe a bad idea. I don't know. Haven't heard a response, although that could be due to a busy life more than anything. Pissed off maybe? I just don't know how to get across what's in my head, in my heart, in normal words. I don't think it's possible actually, without either sounding stalker-ish, emotionally fucked up, or simply desperate! Is the female and male mind that much different????? It's a hard situation. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just take myself out of the picture for a while. It's hard though, you know? When you want to be with someone, talk to them, spend time with them, etc., but the circumstances don't allow that? It's hard. It's brutal in fact. It stabs at the heart at every turn and it's worse knowing there's not a fuck of alot you can do about it. What's worse is he's just as confused me thinks, and has a habit of throwing out contradictory info at every turn, in the typical way of all adult children of alcoholics. Something Scott said to me a while back always seems to resonate - that adult children always seem to find each other. They are naturally attracted to each other, without knowing each others' backgrounds, and find they understand each other instinctively, can easily see through each others' bullshit because the other person tends to use the same bullshit!!! It's true. There's alot that doesn't have to be said when you know the other person has a similar background - all the excuses, the reactions to certain stimuli, certain situations, the way we're all very good at contradicting ourselves, being unsure, lacking self-esteem, thinking the worst of ourselves, being needy, needing to please people, needing reassurance, etc. It's amost amusing to think that a group of people can be so stereotypical. It actually pisses me off to an extent.

Anyway, yes, he and I fall into this category, although I think I'm more aware of that than he is. I think I understand the attraction at my level, but maybe don't want to admit that yet. And maybe that's for another blog or for my therapist! I think Ray and I need to have another session - I warned him that I'd be back before Christmas! He'll be expecting me. Oh, he'll have a field day with this one... He'll sit there with that grin on his face, knowing full well what I'm doing, and knowing full well that I know what I'm doing!! It's a weird little circle we have going at times!! Well, 2 years in therapy, he knows me better than anyone else on the planet! So he'd just giggle about this one.

It's amazing what the lack of one thing in your childhood makes you do in your adulthood.

Saturday, the cold I've been fighting off reared its ugly head and I spent the day lying on the couch, fighting for space with the dog. Managed to get rid of the cold though, and went for a short run on Sunday. Abbey can't take a long run, so we cut it short to 5 km and then walked the rest of the way home. I think I'm going to have to do my long runs without him on the weekends.

Finally this week I'm DONE with teaching!! Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, but it does take alot of time and lately things have been too insane. I am almost finished marking my final exams (should be done tomorrow), and then have a few things that need to get done before Christmas and hopefully I can take the holidays off. I have an editor from MinMag on my ass, waiting for a few changes to a manuscript that was supposed to be published in August. He couldn't have asked me for this info 4 months ago?!!

I found out today that more people than I know are reading this! Kinda interesting actually. Doesn't mean that I'll start filtering (well, a certain level of self-filtering happens here anyway), but I find it interesting. But hey, a blog is open space, can contain anything and is not work-related. So fuck it! Read all you want guys! Maybe it makes me more understandable, or less! I don't know. Insight into my head is not always a good thing!