boxing day gerbils

Boxing day is here, the christmas rush almost over for another year. Today was a lazy day - took the dog for a walk around the unfrozen lake this afternoon (very disconcerting) and then wound up falling asleep when I got back to my mom's house for 4 hours! I didn't think I was tired, but I lay down to read and promptly fell asleep. Now it's evening and I'm hoping that I will be able to sleep tonight.

I was thinkikng about Banff while out walking. Not sure why except it seems the holiday season always means a focus on emtions of some sort, and Banff was possibly one of the most emotional experiences of my life. It's actually hard to put down into words - emotions sometimes seem more like colours than words, easier to show than to verbalize. I look forward to the conference in Boston so that I can see a few of them. Although only a few of us are going.

It's been a quiet christmas so far. Although I did recieve one chellange which I'm not sure to handle. My father sent a christmas card with some money in it to me via my aunt. So what do I do? Do I respond? Do I go with my brother to see him later this week? Do I send the money back, send a thank you note? I think I will just leave it alone. Laura sent me a long email the other day which told me to just let it go. I can let it go. I can't forgive or forget though. I can't just keep giving him another chance. The last time was enough - the rantings and slashings that I got verbally and via email were enough for me and I'm not letting that happen again. I put my foot down. My therapist was happy that I finally made that move, and so am I. If the guilt, the questioning and moral struggle only happens once a year, than I think I can deal with it. It's like working through the holiday season and not eating too much - all it takes is will power!!

So. My brother is here tomorrow, Memere's birthday on Thursday, and then driving home on Friday. All's good. I think I'll see if I can get Andy out for coffee tomorrow as well, see him once more before leaving. He's not been in Ottawa lately.

I haven't heard from B lately either. Sent him a christmas greeting and no reply, which I can't say I'm too happy about. I guess what's happened has happened and maybe that's over and done with. Maybe I said too much. Or vice versa. I guess talking over the holidays is too difficult, hard to find the time. We're going to have to talk further sooner or later.

I was walking the dog yesterday and found myself off the train tracks in a back neighbourhood, right beside RW's old house. That got me thinking about him, about highschool, and realizing that maybe he was the first male that I had issues with. Maybe the first person outside my father who I put stock in, who I trusted and was loyal to and then he hurt me (emotionally). Maybe he's the start of this cycle of trusting and then getting hurt. Maybe I preferentially choose guys who I know will hurt me in the long run. Although I think I broke that cycle at Banff and chose a guy who isn't going to hurt me, who I can trust, which made me really leary at first!! I kept expecting him to turn into an asshole, still expect him to do so, and he constantly surprises me when he's continuously sweet and nice and actually cares about me as well.

Anyway, I think I'll go and read or something, relax a bit and stop the gerbils from running.