home again tomorrow - Fucking awesome!!

Last night in Sudbury and I must say, I can't wait to get home. I'm about full of being away from home, visiting, not being in my own space. I think Abbey's at that point as well - last night he was really snarly, quite aggressive, when I tried to move him when I went to bed. Very unlike him, but I think a lack of downtime and personal space has made him tired and cranky as well. So, tomorrow I leave bright and early. I should be back in Ottawa around 3pm.

YEAH!!

Don't get me wrong, it's been fun and all, but really? I need to get home. This is still really stressful. Just knowing that the weight of seeing or not seeing my father is on my shoulders (no matter how much I ignore it, the guilt is of course still there), sharing a confined space for 5 days, visiting, etc. I find it hard. I also stress eat quite a bit while here, which doesn't do much good for the diet end of things!! I think a full detox when I get home is in order.

I find that my brother and I can't get along all that well here either. Too much of the past comes back to us I think. I find myself very snappy, defensive towards him. This morning, anything I did he was saying "don't do that", whether it related to Luke or my own dog. It's a characteristic I think he has picked up from my mom - a bit nit-picky. Way too opinionated I find, ready to find fault. I find that really, really hard to deal with and just want to say "fuck off!!". It's funny because we get along if I'm in Toronto, but here? My defensiveness rears its ugly head, and I think he's on edge as well.

My mom drives me insane after a few days too. Hey, I love her and all that, but we're so different. I don't have much to say to her really - just not alot in common. I can't gossip about the family here, I don't really want to talk about work, can't talk about Muay Thai. My love life? Ha!!!! How do you explain that one?!! Oh boy. Wow, that would be an interesting conversation!! Try and explain the last few months?!!

I found myself very tired tonight at Memere's birthday party. I wasn't in a social mood (PMS'ing and just feeling anti-social in general), which made it hard. I don't know what to say to my cousins really - they have kids, a life here which is totally different than mine. I guess if I had been feeling a bit more social, I would have made small-chat, but I just didn't feel up to it. What do you say? I feel really out of the loop, in the dark, the black sheep. It's not even a superiority-feeling kind of thing - just simply being different. I think it's the lack of kids that is the main factor.

Anyway, such is life. Family. He's going to see my father tomorrow, but not at my father's house (which pisses my father off to no end). Woo hoo!! I'll be far along Hwy 17, back to normal life!! Hey, life in Ottawa isn't perfect - but at least my problems are MY problems and it's normal to me. But tomorrow, I can go home, drop off the dog, grab a protein shake, and head to the gym to a Kali class, and then work out, hopefully spar, for the evening if anyone is around.

I tired to explain Muay Thai to a few people, but no luck. They just don't get it. I did spend quite a bit of time searching for Muay Thai gyms though. I found a good forum site with lots of info and have been learning about the different training styles at each gym, the routines, etc. I want a gym that you get alot of one-on-one time with trainers. I don't want to be left to my own devices on the heavy bags. I might spend 2 weeks at Lanna, and then another two weeks down in Phuket at one or another of the gyms there. Fairtex looks good as well, but apparently there's not much to do around there. If I'm going to be in Thailand, I want to see some of the country as well!! Anik priced a flight to ChiangMai for me at $1200 (China Air) or $1700 (Singapore Air). I think I'll go with Singapore Airlines as the last time I flew them they were AWESOME!!! Great service, great food. And if I"m in the air for 15 hours, I want the best possible experience.

It's amazing how much of the forums on this MT site talk about ladyboys in Thailand! Today was the first time I'd heard that term before!

I've become a little obsessed about MT ever since I passed my Phase I test and talked to Kruu about fighting. I'm glad though - it's nice to have a goal - whether it's to fight or simply to get down to fighting weight. I need to get back to running, but I have a suspicion that I have a compression fracture in my shin from running on bad shoes. I need new shoes. I think maybe that will be Saturday's mission - a trip to the Running Room. I shouldn't have gone running on christmas eve -mistake number one. Well, not throwing these shoes out 6 months ago was probably mistake number one!!!

Family.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

We should all be born as ectogenes, like in the "Red Mars" trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson. A matriarchal society where all children are ectogenes.

I just want to avoid this actually. Go back to Ottawa, back to friends and normal life. Start my new job, which in itself is fraught with interpersonal problems, but manageable ones.

New Year's is coming up. I'll have to come up with a few resolutions, although do they really mean anything? Resolutions should be made any time of the year. And if you can't keep a promise to yourself, who can you keep on to? The problem is that I'm fine at keeping promises to someone else, but myself? Meh. Maybe it's lack of respect for myself. Dunno.

I ordered a pair of Boes shin pads the other day from CanBox. I should receive them tomorrow. Yeah!! Sparring without killing my shins!! And I bought a new mouthguard at CanTire - a ShockDoctor. Disgusting lime green colour, but next year I'll get one made at my dentist's office instead. This one is actually molded to your teeth, so not so bad.

MT and family. Those are the two things running around in my head right now. Family since I can't really figure out what to do. Thanksgiving was easier. Why? Because I spent each day at Science North with the science communications bunch. With my own people. I went out almost every night with Andy for coffee and/or beer. I've been squirreling myself away here, not coming out of my shell.

DEFINITELY not banff-like behavior in the last couple of days. Bad, bad paula.

Anyway, it's bed time. The dog is out like a light and I should be as well since I told Luke I'd be in Sturgeon at 9am

more later.