biked to work today!

Long time no write, but I've been really busy here. This weekend was fantastic - I finally got a chance to relax, do my own thing, CLEAN, and just chill out. I spent Saturday night playing dominoes and drinking wine at S&J's place, and then the next morning out for breakfast with them as well. The dog was happy - got to visit his friend Tweek and then go for a walk in the Bruce Pit the next morning. I spent most of Saturday afternoon cleaning my mess of an apartment: dusting, cleaning the floors, etc. Finally clean!! Most of Sunday afternoon was spent working on a lab for the GEO 2164 mineralogy class for Monday. Took a long time to organize the powerpoint presentation and the lab hand out.

Last night I went to Muay Thai and we had a Kali class. Bob's back from Cambodia/Thailand, which is great. I kinda missed having him instructing our classes in the last month! Our Kali class was great as well - we took the numbering system up to 24, which is very confusing and I think I need to practice alot! Then we did a variety of close-range techniques with the sticks, and a few hand-to-hand combat techniques. It was great!! Arm-bars, moves where you press on the collar bone, stick to the throat in various ways, etc. Alot of moves which put your elbow into really BAD positions! I discovered that joints don't have a wide range of motion! Bob used me as a demonstration model quite a few times and I must say it's amazing how quickly he can bring people to their knees! He makes it look so easy, so smooth... so deadly! I think I need to go practice...

Today was a pretty good day. I had quite a few meetings but all were productive and positive. I think the last three weeks have gone well, I've made alot of strides forward with the projects I've proposed and I think all are happy about it. That's good to know. But for me, I've moved past the shit from 3 weeks ago and just gotten on with my job. Shit happens. There's no point in dwelling on past mistakes, right? However, if I ever discover who the snitch was... :)

Tomorrow is bone scan day. Yeah!! And optometrist day as well. Medical day all around. My leg has felt really good today actually, which is surprising since I went to Muay Thai last night and biked today! I biked to work today. It was -10 C when I got up, but I bought wind-stopper booties and gloves, so the cold didn't bother me. Not too bad for the first time biking all the way to work! The ride back home after work was great - +2 C and the wind at my back. I'm going to try and bike in as long as the weather is nice and the roads remain clean. Looks like we're getting a storm on Friday so biking that day is out (and I have to be at Kali for 4pm anyway).

I got an invitation from FF to return to Paris for 1-3 months as a visiting researcher (paid!) at the Natural History Museum where he is now. Talk about mixed emotions!! Yes, going back to Paris sounds AWESOME!! I do love the city, I do miss it and would like to go back. It's been 2 years since I've returned to my French home. On the other hand, can he and I work together? Can we move past some of the SHIT that we've gone thru in the past? I don't know if I can. I think he's very bad for me in many ways. Maybe he's changed now that he's in a museum and maybe not under as much stress as he was when I was doing my PDF. I don't know. It brings back alot of bad emotions, a period which required many therapy sessions to get over!! On the other hand, going back to Paris, definitely a plus. I miss the city. I miss the food, the European atmosphere, the wine, walking all over town and exploring on the subway. Shit, I miss the subway!! :) I did email him back and said I could do 1 month at a time. More than that, it becomes a problem with the dog. But going after May 2008 would be great - bit of a paid break away from here after the science fair. This year might not be the best time. We'll see. I'd like to take holidays at some point! I told Bob that I would be interested in going to Cambodia with him next year (then going to Thailand) to help build houses for the Tabitha Foundation.

Diversity Training

I spent the entire day in a 'diversity in the workplace' training session. Although the initial reaction is ugh, I have better things to do, it turned out to be a good session. Our instructor had a good sense of humour, made the situations relevant and interesting, and managed to hold our gnat-brain attention spans for the entire time. Personally, I think I am a very culturally-aware person. It comes from traveling all over the world, being open to new cultures and new experiences in a non-tourist fashion. Alot of the information wasn't new, but some points he raised were surprising. One of the most interesting points raised was the fact that only 7% of communication is verbal - 52% is body language (goes to show how email can be a real problem!!).

The other interesting exercise was to look at the differences in values, work ethics and experiences of the four different generational groups:

Traditionalists (born between 1920 and 1940)
Baby Boomers (born between 1940 and 1960)
Generation X (born between 1960 and 1980)
Generation Y (born between 1980 and 2000)

It's amazing that ANY effective communication happens between these four groups!! It's no wonder why a work place tends to have a certain degree (alot?) of conflict given the inherent value systems that each generation has grown up with. It explains when change is often difficult to implement in a workplace when the upper hierarchy is of the Traditionalist or Baby Boomer generation. Us in the GenX and GenY categories are much more willing to step outside the box, are open to change (and less patient!).

The instructor we had also does conflict resolution training. I'm beginning to think that this course might be an excellent training opportunity as well, made mandatory for everyone...

Otherwise, I'm so happy it's the weekend. I'm looking forward to having the weekend to myself, doing some errands, just going down to the Market and doing some shopping, having coffee. The dog is roaching on the couch beside me, enjoying a friday evening as well.

I need to go and buy some winter cycling gloves. This week looks to be somewhat warm, so I'm thinking of biking to work. With my mountain bike of course - I don't want to subject my road bike to the salt and sand on the roads right now. The OBC has Santini winter gloves for sale. But the office is only open in the morning.

Going to find Doritos...

Bone scan next week

Went and saw my doctor this morning to discuss my left leg x-ray results (finally!). If nothing was wrong, the report would have come back "tibia and fibia normal". Mine didn't. It came back with a long paragraph of very scary medical lingo that basically equates to "your tibia and fibia are FUCKED UP"!! Seems that there is extensive hardening (scary "sclerosis" word in there somewhere), evidence of extensive stress, hardening, lateral thickening, etc, etc. And fracture. Somewhere in there, something has fractured and healed badly, possibly more than once. Thus the pain.

My doctor has ordered me to have a bone scan on that leg, which actually sounds like a neat procedure. It's a nuclear scanning technique rather than X-ray-based. They inject a radionucleide into your body and it permeates into the bone, acting as a tracer for areas of bone which are healing or broken down. A gamma-ray detector picks up the nucleide and creates an image. Cool!!! The whole thing takes 3 hours - injection then wait 2 hours until the nucleide goes through your body, and then 45 min for the scan itself.

The problem with this is that I now know that it's not a soft-tissue area and that anything high-impact is just making the problem worse. Which means Muay Thai is out for a while. I figure I can still do boxing training, as long as I don't kick or pivot on the left leg. Boxing should be fine. I'll talk to Kru Bob on Saturday - he's back from Cambodia/Thailand today. Biking should be ok though - it's not load-bearing. Squash is out. Ball hockey is out.

But really, what can be done for a fracture? Other than staying off it?

The afternoon was quite an experience. I learned something today: all people are not equal. Certainly not in the eyes of the overlords who have control over the purse strings. If an overlord can get away with keeping the purse strings tightly knotted, they will, even if it means perpetuating an inequality. If that overlord is asked to put their underlings on an even playing field with the rest of the nation, they get very defensive and angry. It's amazing actually. As an underling, I tend to feel very angry when a known inequality is being ignored, no effort made to make it right. Right now, I'm mad. Incredibly pissed off that bullshit is being ignored. But we will make it right. There's strength in numbers.

soloist it is

Okay, a decision has been made. I'm getting the Cervelo Team Soloist road bike!! I talked further to Ian, and got the ok from Chad, and made up my mind! Chad has an Orbea Orca and wants the Ordu, but I can't climb into that price range quite yet. Soloist it is. Awesome bike. Full Ultegra components, aluminum frame but carbon fork, carbon seatpost, aero everything! Cool anodized finish as well. I'm headed to CycleLogik next week to get fit. I'm not entirely sure which size frame I need. I know my Eclipse is too big for me, part of the comfort issue.

Nothing like spending a weekend with small children to put one off having children in the first place! I think I'll stick with the dog. Not that I don't love my nephew and all, but wow, does that ever require ALOT of time, money and increase stress levels by huge amounts. Love the kid, but don't think I want my own! Hell, a new road bike wouldn't be happening with a little one running around! Not that I'm completely selfish or anything, but at present, I can't imagine changing my lifestyle to suit kids.

Back to the grind today after driving back from TO yesterday. I think I found someone at work who shares a similar mind-set about protocols! Kinda neat actually. But it was a good day - got alot done and moved a few projects forward. Friday, a bunch of us have to sit through diversity training. Ugh. Apparently it's not so bad, but it's going to be a full 8 hours worth of role-playing and discussion. I can think of better ways to spend a friday. Like dreaming about my new Cervelo!! I can't wait for the snow to melt now.

Cervelo Team Soloist?

I feel the urge to write, but about what I'm not entirely sure. I'm currently babysitting my nephew while my sister-in-law and brother are out at my brother's gig. He's asleep, so I'm crashed on the couch watching TV with Abbey. Tomorrow I'm headed to the ROM to visit with the boys, get the latest on their newest donation and the gallery, etc. I haven't seen anyone else while here, which is a bit odd. Not that I've so far tried. I gave Laura a call, but I know she's pretty occupied, understandably so.

I got a response from Ian at Cycle Logik about the Cervelo Team Soloist (the special edition 2007 model with the fancy red paint job). Yeah!! It's a bike that used quite often by Team CSC for longer tours. Cycle Logik has a lay-away plan, so if I play it right, I could have a new bike for the end of April. Do the beginning gucky part of the season on my old frame and then switch over when the roads get to be cleaner. I can't wait to go and talk to Ian further about it, maybe get sized, etc. I've wanted a Cervelo for soooooo long. Their full-carbon TT bike is absolutely amazing, beautiful (as it should be at $5000!!), but the Team Soloist is awesome, and a real workhorse as well. And it has a high-angle dual seatpost so I can put it into an aero position if I wish for TT's with the OBC.

Lots to say but not sure what to say. I've been having some strange dreams lately, very vivid, very emotional. It's a bit tiring and frustrating - some of them you don't want to wake up from! I don't know what is spurring these dreams as of late. Probably the stress from the last couple of weeks. Even being here, I was stressing whether or not to call my aunt and try and see her, but then decided that I'd rather not put myself through that. Just not ready to confront all those issues really. Sometimes it is simply best to leave well enough alone. There comes a point where you just don't want to deal with emotional shit, right? At some points, all I want to do is purge baggage, clean the attics of the mind, banish cobwebs. But when I'm tired in general, it's not the time to start cleaning. Enough stress already.

I bought a new Spinervals DVD on Friday - an aerobic base builder. I figure if I start forcing myself to get up early (I know, laugh away) and do the aerobic 75 min in the morning, that by the time the spring comes, I'll be all set to bike to work each day. I've found my aerobic base has dropped a bit since I haven't been running and haven't been on the bike the last couple of weeks. But at least my shin is feeling a bit better after taking this week off from Muay Thai. Squash doesn't help it AT ALL though. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. Hopefully she'll refer me to a sports medicine doctor. At least biking is not high-impact so doesn't seem to cause additional inflammation. I want to be able to do the Rideau Lakes Tour with ease this June. I just gave in my registration form and OBC membership form on Friday. Committed to the full Classic this time 'round! We have quite a few 'team members' signing up. Still waiting for Andy to respond to me as to whether or not he's going to ride. He said he wants to.

I'm kinda looking forward to march. I know that sounds weird, but February hasn't been a hell of alot of fun, so it's like looking forward to a new start, a turning of the page so to speak.

Tails

I was lying in bed last night, in that weird state of half-awake/half-asleep, watching Abbey sleep and his tail curled up, and thinking about tails. Humans don't have a tail, but look at most other animals? Mammals, reptiles, birds. They all have tails. Why not us? I know there's a perfectly good biological reason for this, but really, why not? It would be so useful!

I had a really strange dream last night, from which I woke up this morning freaked out! It was about a friend/committee member of mine with whom I have a bit of a love/hate relationship. He's one of these people who likes to tease, sometimes to the point where I don't find it funny anymore, and is excellent at hitting buttons. Not alot of people have been able to push me to the brink like he has. I like the guy, work well with him, but we've had some pretty rough blow-outs, usually under times of high-stress (and beer). We always seem to come back to being friends though. Anyway, in this dream, we kinda hooked up, romantically, which is really weird as I've never had any attraction to him before!! Dreams are so hard to put down in writing. It's the visuals, the emotions, that count. I find myself baffled sometimes with this guy - I wonder if he teases because he likes me or hates me, if he has any respect for me, what goes through his mind at times. Maybe that's where the dream comes in - that even though we've had a bit of a tumultuous relationship in the past, that there is a certain amount of caring between us, in a weird, warped kinda way.

Headed to Toronto tomorrow morning. I spent the day cleaning, doing errands, etc. I also picked up a new Spinervals DVD - Aero Base Building (75 min). I'm going to try it tonight. I've got to get back on the trainer and start getting ready for the outdoor season. I've been looking at the Cervelo and Blue webpages. I'm thinking of getting a Cervelo Soloist Team road bike. With Ultegra components. My Eclipse is ok, but the frame isn't the best suited to me.

Order of the Science Scouts of Exemplary Repute and Above Average Physique

Anyone who is a science geek or science communicator has to check out this site!!!!

Order of the Science Scouts of Exemplary Repute and Above Average Physique

For the propagation of an ideal where science communicators can meet firstly, for drinks; secondly, for communicating; and ultimately, for networking.

- - -
Members are:

- not opposed to alcohol.
- fond of IPCC reports (especially the pictures).
- mostly in agreement with the "truth."
- into badges.

- grieving for the slow and miserable death of the Hubble Space Telescope.

- possibly possessed of supernatural powers.

- not in the business of total world domination

- committed to the constant and diligent presentation of science stories, be it to editors, producers, directors, educators, relatives and/or friends of various ilk, in an effort to lessen the gap that is this thing we call public scientific literacy.

- - -

These are the badges I qualify for:

Most importantly:

The "I've done science with no concievable practical application" badge.There are probably more who are deserving of this badge than you would expect.

a glimpse into the human (and animal!) mind

Happy Valentine's Day. Or anti-valentine's day. Which ever you prefer. I could go for Valentine's Day as I'm a mushy, cuddly romantic at heart (yes, believe it, it's true), but being single.... well.... Here's a photo of my nephew and his salute to chocolate on this day.

Being in a union is an interesting experience. Being in union negotiations is also an interesting experience. I haven't been involved in union business before this year and have certainly learned alot in the last months - how to negotiate, how to strategically propose items, protocols for meetings, etc. It's a fascinating look into the human nature and a great forum for people-watching!

I had wondered if peoples' personalities change when they step into such circumstances, both from our side of the table and the opposite side. I've discovered that both scenarios exist, on both sides of the table. I personally don't think I change when sitting in negotiations - hey, our job is to sit quietly and let the negotiator make all the points we want her to. On the other side of the table - yes, the one person I thought would remain themselves has done so. On the other hand, I've seen quick changes happen as well - becoming somewhat defensive is the most common trait so far (not surprising when monetary issues are brought up!). But the one that shocked me was the negativity towards other colleagues, and this coming from our side of the table. Not in open negotiations, but in the team chats. I'm not a fan of this attitude at all actually. I've had to speak up a few times - if you have an opinion of someone personally, keep it to yourselves in this sort of negotiation process. It's not relevant. I especially get upset when the criticism (not constructive) is directed towards someone(s) I actually hold professional and personal respect for. Okay, history comes into play, and our last contract negotiations were an ugly process, with alot of harsh feelings on each side of the table. But this is a new round, a new contract.

As I said, a learning experience - people watching from both sides of the border, ours and theirs. The next steps will be interesting.

Switching from the human mind to the animal mind...

Jay is giving a talk at Carleton University on March 7th, 7:30pm (see poster left). Yeah!!

"If you had to sum up the last thirty years of research into animal intelligence, you would have to say "they are smarter than we thought." But how smart is that? Are other animals self-aware, as we are? Can we draw a line between intelligent thinking behaviour and automatism, and if so, where? Remember, no one knows how many neurons are needed for consciousness. This lecture will explore these questions and their implications."

Jay, we want SEATS this time!!

Mini Banff-reunion will happen afterwards over drinks.

bad x-ray news - fracture?

Fuck. I just opened my mail and have a nice little note from my doctor saying that my x-ray results are back and that she'd like me to come in and see her (why don't they call? it's quicker??). That can't be good. That means it's a fracture. Spiral or compression, it must be quite big for it to have shown up on the x-ray. Fuck fuck fuck. I guess I'll call in the morning and see how quickly I can get in there. Not that they can do much - no point in casting a stress fracture really. It's not like it's preventing me from walking or anything (running? yes; walking long distances? yes; walking normally in the morning? yes.). Shit. They never ask to see you when the news is good!!

clinching horror

Oh my god, my neck and upper back feel like I've been put through a meat grinder!! The guy I was paired with at Muay Thai was quite efficient in the clinch and twisted me around really hard. I'm going to hurt tomorrow, that's for sure. If I'm already feeling a bit tense and stretched, tomorrow will be brutal.

This week has certainly started off better than last. I think the period of hell is over, blue skies on the horizon. Onwards and upwards. Although my sleep pattern is still way off and I haven't slept decently in 2 weeks. I need to book an appointment with my doctor to look at my leg, maybe I can talk to her about sleeping again as well.

I've decided that with my tax return I will get laser eye surgery. I'm tired of contacts and glasses. I need new glasses and a box of contacts to begin with, which is a minimum of $500, and laser surgery is only double that. Given the sports that I do, I'd rather just do away with any hassle (and be able to wear sunglasses anytime I want!). Although the idea of someone shooting a laser at my eyeball, the after effects will be worth it (I hope). I'll have to check with my optometrist and see if I fully qualify and what he recommends.

weekend off

The weekend is almost over and I have managed to do some relaxing, alot of shopping, and some cleaning. Although I haven't really done any work this weekend - and the worst is that I feel guilty for that!! Take one weekend off and feel guilty. That's a real problem!! I needed to just chill though. It actually felt good. Did alot of sleeping as well. Last night I went to the cafe scientifique and then over to a friend's place for a martini party. Had a great time there - martinis and wine and more wine. I was exhausted by the time I got home - around 1am, but couldn't fall asleep as I had had 2 cappuchinos while at the Cafe. I wound up staying up til past 3am, just thinking reading.

I went and bought some new jeans and a couple of shirts this weekend. This whole losing weight thing is expensive!! But pretty cool. It was about time to buy some new clothes too. Especially jeans. Levis has some new styles out that are FINALLY away from the flare look! Yeah!!

Not feeling all that talkative today, nor this weekend really. A bit wacked out. I missed being at Muay Thai 3 times last week, so this week I really have to get my ass back in gear and get in regularly. Although I'm going to Toronto on Friday for Rob and Liana's birthday so will miss a couple of days over the weekend.

meh.

Okay, so within the last 2 weeks, we have had 3 committee members quit. That's frustrating. One of the positions we filled right away. One of the others, I think I can have someone else fill in for, and the third? Dunno. Not actually that upset about it either! Not on my subcommittee list. 458 days until CWSF 2008. Are we going to pull it off? Sometimes I think we're crazy and are going to need a miracle.

Today was a productive day, a good one. I think things are moving forward. A little hesitantly, slightly paranoid, yes, but forward nonetheless.

Frustrating Muay Thai session tonight. I was paired up with a guy who was either (1) just not interested in the class, or (2) had something about being partnered up with a girl. He just didn't seem to want too work hard, either while holding pads for me or working himself. Very frustrating as I wanted a good workout tonight, was feeling strong and energized. Haven't had a decent MT class since last week. I think Kru Bob needs to get back - the academy isn't as hardcore it seems without him there.

I just lathered on NamNam on my legs and arms and lower back. It stings like hell, but smells oh so good and feels better later. I spilled a few drops on my floor - it ate through the flooring. No wonder the acceptable limit for methyl salicylate in Canada is 15%. This stuff has 31% in it!!!! Gotta love those Asian remedies!!

start of a new week

The start of a new week, hopefully better than the last one. Off to a fairly good start, feeling better than I have in the last 6 days, that's for sure. Did the right thing this morning and apologized in person to those I had wronged and offended, which wasn't the easiest thing to do but I feel better having done it. Not sure where we go from here, and none of the working relationships will never be the same, but at least some sort of closure was reached. Almost. The rest of this journey will take longer.

I'm still a bit angry, upset, wanting to know who initiated this problem, but it's true - moving forward doesn't include revenge. Although the thought of 'who was it?' is always going to be in my mind, and I'll be watching over my shoulder, wondering who I can and can't trust. Even in discussions I had this morning - can I trust that that was the right move? To talk openly? Trust. It always comes back to that. I hope I'm a good judge of who I can trust and who I can't.

A place of business, that's all it is. No room for personal relationships, correct? I'd rather it not be 'only business'. Up until last week, I felt at home, an extension of home, happy in a new role, excited, with friends around me. I'm not feeling all that homey and friendly right now. I'd rather be able to be myself, not walk around all formal and professional and impersonal. I'm not feeling like I can do that anymore. I've never been good in hierarchal type situations, authority, etc. But I feel now I'm having to resort to being only professional with most colleagues, my boys excluded who know me for me and accept that.

Things will get back to normal, right?

Just got back from Muay Thai. Felt like crap the entire time - not one of my best classes. I wasn't focused, too mentally tired, and managed to get dinged a few times by kicks. Man, I want to know what's wrong with my left shin as the pain is not going away, and when I'm tired, like today, it really bothers me. My doctor hasn't called, so obviously the x-ray didn't show anything. Not that I was expecting it to as I have a feeling that it's a soft-tissue problem, not a bone problem. Unless it's a bone bruise, but I'm not entirely sure what that would feel/look like. But today, shit! We were practicing shields and it hurt like a bitch - your left leg is your lead leg and main shield leg. PAIN. Lots and lots of pain. I need ice and NamNam. Love NamNam. What a great product. I talked to our instructor afterwards and she figurs it's soft tissue as well. Also chatted about fighting and sparring. I can't wait for ball hockey season to be over so that I can go friday nights and spar full time. Go hard or go home. I'm always going to give up height, but I'm scrapy and will get inside and do damage that way.

I was thinking earlier about the last two years. Two years ago, I was a shaking, crying, depressed, suicidal, psychotic mess. But having a breakdown was probably the best thing I could have done - hit bottom and now have bounced back. I'm sure the antidepressants have helped, but the therapy helped more. The Adult Children meetings too. But more the therapy. Talking, getting everything out in the open, standing up for myself, and realizing that my past doesn't have to dictate my present or future, realize that I don't have to let myself be manipulated and abused, accepting that I'm dysfunctional and that blood is not thicker than water, will always operate under a handicap due to my past, but can move forward as long as I keep that in mind. It's nice to be out of that hole. And into another hole! But one that I can climb out of, a minor setback, a blip.

UN IPCC report on global warming - is nuclear the way to go?

I would say, emphatically, yes. I'm very pro-nuclear.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), a panel created in 1988 by the United Nations, has released its report which states that human-produced greenhouse gases are a major cause of global warming and that we must look towards alternate energy sources to avoid accelerating the warming that we're seeing.

I'm a mineralogist. I understand the very efficient process of metamictization and the conversion of primary minerals to clays. Clays trap radioactive particals very effectively. Nature is very, very efficient in dealing with nucleides. I've also worked in materials science - I understand the process by which new materials are developed to trap radionucleides.

I fully support nuclear energy - all aspects of it. Mining is done robotically for the most part, in order to keep humans safe from the hot ore. Deep rock storage of wastes is the way to go and if you know the mineralogy behind it, it makes perfect, SAFE sense. I would have nuclear waste in the old mine shaft behind my house, no problem. Well, maybe not here in Ottawa because all the rock around here is softrock, but definitely back in Sudbury!!

But I have a scientific awareness. A high level of science literacy if you want to put it that way. Chernobyl and Three Mile Island - yes, definitely a concern, but both incidents were isolated. The major issue behind implementing more nuclear reactors in Canada is public perception. Public ignorance actually. Nuclear energy has a scary reputation to those who don't know the science behind it.

Science communication again. The general public needs to be shown how to reason their way through this issue, not simply be bombarded by fear-mongering, anti-nuclear groups.

Nuclear scientists and politicians have to do better at explaining the reality behind the whole nuclear industry, from ore extraction to the production of energy to waste disposal and everything in between. It's important. We have to stop being dependent on fossil fuels and move into a more stable, clean energy source. I say this even though I have good friends who work in the petroleum industry, am involved with groups who are funded in part by petroleum company money. But those sources of power, they have to go the way of the dodo.

Wind, nuclear, tidal. They all have their pros and cons, but at some point we have to decide how to weigh those pros and cons against the destruction of our planet that is looming just over our shoulder.

To come back to the dodo... I bought a copy of "Flock of Dodos - The Evolution - Intelligent Design Circus" the other day, including the public screening rights. I'm hoping that we can organize a screening evening as a fundraiser for the science fair. Also going to show it at work for a friday afternoon movie social. Evolution versus intelligent design. There IS NO DEBATE. Not to anyone with a grasp on real science anyway. ID is not science. They have yet to publish anything that demonstrates that they are using the scientific method in their 'research'. Unfortunately, what they do have going for them is a large bank account and extensive PR resources.

communication - different for everyone

Sitting at Timothy's right now, reviewing a manuscript on astrophyllite-group minerals by an author who I've rejected papers by before. This one is good though - he's paired up with a couple of mineralogists from Denmark. I'm impressed. Sheds some light on some solid solutions I've been questioning as well - between astrophyllite and niobophyllite. I didn't have much data on niobophyllite for my thesis or subsequent papers so this is good to see. Seems there really might be a complete SS, except for a small gap, which I suspect is crystallographic in nature.

I've received alot of good advice from friends about the train wreck that has been the last week of my life. Keeping a paper trail - that's excellent advice. If any of this rears its ugly head in the future in the form of harassment, I want to be prepared. A good friend of mine stated that this has been like "watching a traffic accident". I don't know - I've had two serious car accidents, one life-threatening with an 18-wheeler in a snowstorm on the highway in which my rental car actually went UNDER the transport truck. That was less traumatic than this. In that case, the only person I disappointed was the rental company who had to write-off the car!! In this case, I've disappointed myself, and someone who put their trust in my judgement and actions.

I don't think I'm a 'bad' person. I would like to think I'm basically a good person. Just one that occasionally doesn't think things through too carefully.

I've also discovered that I am much less able to deal with quiet, controlled disappointment and wrist-slapping than I am with the in-your-face, yelling, screaming, verbally-abusing, hostile form of redress. It's simple - I'm used to the yelling, screaming hostility. My father has given me that all my life, most of the time for no particular reason except his bad mood or drinking. Threatening me, being hostile, abusive, vicious, all that does is piss me off and make me defensive. I'm not used to someone redressing me 'nicely' (is that an oxymoron?). I don't understand it. It fucking hurts. It destroys any thought of being defensive and makes you want to grovel on the floor and beg for forgiveness. My mind immediately assumes that making a mistake means that's it, the relationship is shot, game over, may as well end it/quit. I'm learning that's not the case. A mistake is a mistake, and although it takes time to rebuild a relationship after a mistake is made, it can happen. If it doesn't? The relationship wasn't worth it in the first place. That's when a major decision needs to be made.

Maybe I need to call my therapist and start back with him for a bit. I'm sure I can contribute more to his kids' university fund!

But a point raised by Skep makes me ponder the differences between scientific and corporate communication. Two different worlds. And two very different types of people who inhabit both worlds - at times - there are exceptions to that rule. Scientists versus management. I am in firm belief of the model of there being two types of managers - those out to gain and use power, and those who actually care about their staff and the betterment of the institution. I have seen the actions of both in my life. I feel lucky to know a good one. Disappointing a good one hurts, makes you feel like shit. Pissing off a bad one, that makes one cautious, formal and always on guard, teaches you a lesson.

But when changing from scientist to 'something else', one has to wander that line between the scientist and management worlds, one foot on either side of that great divide. It's not something most scientists are trained to deal with. Or even want to do. There's a reason scientific and corporate communication are so different - crossing that divide doesn't happen all that often. Okay Skep, what do you do when you've found yourself crossing that divide?

life in hell...

Well, can't say today was much better than yesterday really. On top of it, my sparring session fell through so I didn't even get much of a workout in. Now I have to suffer through ball hockey tonight, exactly the place I don't want to go right now.

I have a shitload of work to be doing in the next while. My head isn't in the right place though. I feel like crap, mentally exhausted, emotionally exhausted. I don't quite know what to do, what to say. I'm feeling like I just want to hole up and not come out until all is right again. Which is possible that that may take a very long time. Just sent an email to a friend/colleague to see if he's available for coffee this weekend sometime. I'm not entirely sure if I can wait until Monday to chat.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

(continued after ball hockey).

Wow. Sooner or later we're actually going to win a game and we won't know what to do. Not a bad game, but frustrating - alot of chipping, pushing, elbows, and one of the refs was not doing his job in preventing such things. It's really frustrating to stand in net and watch your players be roughed up.

Back at home now, tired but can't sleep (nothing new in that this week!!). I just ate a friggin' pizza. With all the clean eating I've been doing since November, that's a shocker to my system. When stressed, unhappy and feeling like crap, bring on the pizza. Dunno if that's better or worse than the bottle of wine that I tried to demolish last night to minimize the gerbils and the feeling of pain and anger and self-loathing from the day's events. Just left me with a headache this morning!!

Haven't received a reply from my father yet. Which is probably just as well. He may have been shocked to receive a response in the first place. I'm certain he wasn't expecting such an outspoken, vehement one! He picked the wrong fucking day to fuck with my head again.

can it get worse? Survey says.... YES!!!!!!

Wow, what a past 48 hours. The week started off pretty good, and then did nothing but spiral downwards, FAST!! I'm sitting here with a tumbler of wine (yes, B, taking care of myself) and relaxing after city league (won my match 3-0, but it wasn't pretty!). I'm trying to figure out how the last day of the week will play out. Can it get worse? Probably. If I have to start searching for a lawyer, you'll know it's gotten worse! Anyone know a good lawyer? Never thought I'd be saying that!

I see-saw between emotions tonight - mad, pissed, angry, upset, disappointed, sorry, depressed, fatigued, etc. I alternate between being mad at myself and mad at others, disappointed in myself for disappointing someone I respect, mad that I'm getting worked up about this and letting someone bully me.

OH FUCK!! And I just opened my email and WHAM! A message from my father in my Hotmail inbox, the only email address I haven't blocked him on. Gees, yes, it could get worse!! Of course!! This would SOOOOO have to happen this week!! Yes! Apparently all the gods are against me this week. Welcome to 2007 folks, the winter from hell with all sorts of fun surprises!!! Yes, welcome to sarcasm at its best. Oh great, he just got back from a cruise to the Carribean. Yeah. Good from him. I just sent off a response. I don't think I would have except that I'm hyped up, tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted and just don't want to fucking deal wtih his shit right now.

July 21st, 2007 - countdown to the last Harry Potter book

It's official. JK Rowling has announced that the 7th and last book in the Harry Potter series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", will be on sale on July 21st, 2007. 161 days!!!! That'll be 2 years since the release of the last book in which Dumbledore was killed off. As a 30-something adult, I'm a little perturbed that this news is the highlight of my day!! I can't WAIT to read this book. Yes, I'm a die-hard Harry Potter fan, I admit it. I'm also a completely head-over-heels Snape fan!! I would very much like to see him turn out to be a good guy, not evil. Although apparently 2 people get killed off in this book - who? Harry himself? Voldemort? Snape? Those are obvious guesses.

I was reading the 6th book while at the Double E Ranch 2 years ago and was very shocked and upset when I got to the end. I've never been attached to a book series in my life, and it's a kids book!! So I'm as excited as the other billion people on the planet.

See "The Leaky Cauldron" for more info. Or JK Rowlings' own website here.

In addition, the 5th film, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" will start showing just before the book comes out, on July 13th. Let's hope more scenes with Alan Rickman in them are in this movie compared to the 4th one! How they are going to put the massive 5th book into a movie is beyond me. But it's going to be a good month.

What have we learned today, oh wise blog. oh therapist of the internet world. We've learned that the worst feeling in the world is to have someone you respect, trust and actually like, be disappointed in you. To know that you have to work to regain that trust and respect, a result of a really stupid mistake.