start of a new week

The start of a new week, hopefully better than the last one. Off to a fairly good start, feeling better than I have in the last 6 days, that's for sure. Did the right thing this morning and apologized in person to those I had wronged and offended, which wasn't the easiest thing to do but I feel better having done it. Not sure where we go from here, and none of the working relationships will never be the same, but at least some sort of closure was reached. Almost. The rest of this journey will take longer.

I'm still a bit angry, upset, wanting to know who initiated this problem, but it's true - moving forward doesn't include revenge. Although the thought of 'who was it?' is always going to be in my mind, and I'll be watching over my shoulder, wondering who I can and can't trust. Even in discussions I had this morning - can I trust that that was the right move? To talk openly? Trust. It always comes back to that. I hope I'm a good judge of who I can trust and who I can't.

A place of business, that's all it is. No room for personal relationships, correct? I'd rather it not be 'only business'. Up until last week, I felt at home, an extension of home, happy in a new role, excited, with friends around me. I'm not feeling all that homey and friendly right now. I'd rather be able to be myself, not walk around all formal and professional and impersonal. I'm not feeling like I can do that anymore. I've never been good in hierarchal type situations, authority, etc. But I feel now I'm having to resort to being only professional with most colleagues, my boys excluded who know me for me and accept that.

Things will get back to normal, right?

Just got back from Muay Thai. Felt like crap the entire time - not one of my best classes. I wasn't focused, too mentally tired, and managed to get dinged a few times by kicks. Man, I want to know what's wrong with my left shin as the pain is not going away, and when I'm tired, like today, it really bothers me. My doctor hasn't called, so obviously the x-ray didn't show anything. Not that I was expecting it to as I have a feeling that it's a soft-tissue problem, not a bone problem. Unless it's a bone bruise, but I'm not entirely sure what that would feel/look like. But today, shit! We were practicing shields and it hurt like a bitch - your left leg is your lead leg and main shield leg. PAIN. Lots and lots of pain. I need ice and NamNam. Love NamNam. What a great product. I talked to our instructor afterwards and she figurs it's soft tissue as well. Also chatted about fighting and sparring. I can't wait for ball hockey season to be over so that I can go friday nights and spar full time. Go hard or go home. I'm always going to give up height, but I'm scrapy and will get inside and do damage that way.

I was thinking earlier about the last two years. Two years ago, I was a shaking, crying, depressed, suicidal, psychotic mess. But having a breakdown was probably the best thing I could have done - hit bottom and now have bounced back. I'm sure the antidepressants have helped, but the therapy helped more. The Adult Children meetings too. But more the therapy. Talking, getting everything out in the open, standing up for myself, and realizing that my past doesn't have to dictate my present or future, realize that I don't have to let myself be manipulated and abused, accepting that I'm dysfunctional and that blood is not thicker than water, will always operate under a handicap due to my past, but can move forward as long as I keep that in mind. It's nice to be out of that hole. And into another hole! But one that I can climb out of, a minor setback, a blip.