Giving the world the middle finger

Fuck the world. That's my feeling right now. I feel vaguely similar to how I felt years back when I had my breakdown - hopeless, anxious, helpless, insecure. You name it, if it's a negative emotion, it's going on in my head.

Last week was brutal - work, finances, training, etc. This weekend was good - the Ajarn Chai workshop, although I do have feelings of insecurity surrounding the whole weekend as well, which I won't go into here. Sunday night, I come home only to find a missed call - I checked the number and it's my father. Great. Here we go again. I contacted my brother who says that apparently he wants to talk to me "before it's too late". You know, it's hard to believe something to be sincere when there is 30 years of insincerity behind it. But given the last week of HELL, this was just the icing on the cake and sent me into a total downward spiral. After spending an evening being somewhat ignored in the first place, making me fed up with fucking hot/cold confusing relationships, coming home to that call was the point of no return.

Today was brutal. I didn't mind being at work, but I did mind having any intrusion into my personal space and having to talk to anyone. I went to the gym in the evening and just went and rode the bike, trying to just purge thoughts and stay in my own little world as I knew that opening my mouth to say anything was going to be bad. I promptly got into trouble for 'sneaking in' and not saying hi. Although, seriously? I really didn't want that interaction today to put more uncertainty and insecurity into my head. Fucking male role models. I can't deal with them. Except Andre. I went looking for him at the university tonight, while bawling my head off in the car. I needed him so bad tonight - he understands, he can handle me in this state.

Heavy drinking. That thought crossed my mind today. The other thought? Suicide. Dangerous thinking, I know. But I can see why people do it. I'm hinged on that point right now - what's the point really? I'm not with anyone. I'm frustrated in my job, and not really sure I'm good at it. Lately I seem to be clashing with every person I come across. I'm sick of being in debt and horribly bad with money. Really, what's holding me here? Not much. Who really cares what happens to me? My mom? My dog?

Negative snark is back.

ugh

What a week. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back - I cracked, fell apart, decided to give up and just go home. It was the best thing I could have done as I wasn't getting anything done at work, was pretty close to breaking down and crying or punching someone in the head. So I came home, walked the dog, and went to the gym really early.

Once there, Kru asked me to give an intro lesson - my first one!! Well, I was supposed to give one a while back, but the person didn't show. So today was my first! Yeah! Actually, it was the best thing that could have happened to me as it gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that not everything was going to be horrible today. I think I gave a good lesson and the new student went into the Phase I class prepared. Yeah! I did a kettlebell workout and then headed home. My shoulders are aching from 3 days of kettlebells + muay thai, so today was a light day. Tomorrow it's back to running and hitting the bags and pads. I could have stayed for the Phase III class, but when I'm in this sort of mood, it is not in my best interest, or that of my partner's, to be holding pads in a class. This type of mood is conducive to solo-training, working out frustrations and burning off steam.

I had a bit of a melt down through email to Andy as well, and he actually sent me a very nice email, putting everything in perspective and offering some sage advice, as he always does. I know I can always count on him for this - a reality check and friendly support all in one.

This weekend is the Ajarn Chai workshop - all day Saturday and half the day on Sunday. Last year's workshop was fantastic! This year, it's limited to senior students and Kruu's, a small group of only 16. Although it's not taxing aerobically, by the end of a full day of doing drills, you get tired!! Saturday is going to be a long day. But the opportunity to train with Ajarn, to learn new skills and drills, is well worth it. Especially if he goes into retirement and no longer does regular workshops.

Russian balls of steel

I discovered a new form of physical torture today - kettlebells. My 15 min introductory lesson resulted in intense quad agony later in the afternoon!! Wow. Who knew that swinging around a 20 lb cannon ball could be so effective?! I went out and bought a torture device of my own this afternoon, 25 lbs, so I can do this workout at home in the mornings after a run. I can use the ones at the school, but that would be before or after class, and I suspect that that is not a smart idea simply due to the level of fatigue you're left with after hefting this ball around.

The last few days have been good. I feel content, which is an odd feeling, not one I've felt in a while. Work, ignoring all the union shit which I really don't want to deal with anymore, has been good - getting back into research and feeling that companionship and comradery with my fellow mineralogists is excellent.

Training has actually started to come back to me as well. I banished one demon on Friday evening - I stepped back into the ring to spar. This was the first time I have sparred since Iowa. Why? Not quite sure exactly. Partially because I was injured. Partially because the feeling of fear I had in Iowa took a bit of time to get over. I don't think I'm over that feeling of fear, but I've embraced it and now can work with it. I think it will actually allow me to be a better fighter and sparring partner - it's made me slow down and lighten up. Friday was good - I went about 5 rounds, light, timing sparring, and had some fun. Then had a beer in Kru's office, which was a nice way to end the day. This is what it's all about, right? Fun. And physically I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back into shape. Rolling has helped, but it's also made me realize how much power I've lost in the last 2 months. It's coming back, slowly but surely. The fuzzy feeling in my lungs is finally gone as well - the cold/flu/plague I had took its toll but it seems to be clearing up. Finally.

So I'm having a beer and watching "Lost in Translation". Again. It's a bit of a fall-back movie for me. Like comfort food in movie form. I watched UFC 89 earlier this afternoon and now am just chilling. And trying to rest my poor aching quads!! The fun begins again tomorrow.

Thanksgiving weekend in O-town

Turkey pig-out in Sudbury already happened last weekend, so this long weekend is ALL MINE!!! And the weather is supposed to be beautiful, sunny and warm. Woo hoo!! I think some cycling will happen tomorrow.

Today was spent mostly at the gym - Kali and then some BJJ - doing yard work (raking leaves), and taking the dog to the dog park for a good run. Rolling this morning was way too much fun. I forget how much I love rolling - I need to get back into it. It makes you strong, tough, builds endurance. I was a little hesitant in the last months to roll - while prepping for Iowa, rolling was out of the question. Before that, my shoulder was still healing and the last thing I wanted to do was separate it again, doing more damage. It feels strong now, so back to ground work. Yeah! Getting back into shape is the main goal right now, no matter how I do it. But my lungs are still "fuzzy" and I feel wheezy and weak. It's getting better - running yesterday morning was okay, but training last night, I felt like I needed to eject a lung while doing pads with Meghan!

"Music for Wilderness Lake" performed by the Wild Bones

“Music for wilderness lake”, the fall 2008 version, was a success. 12 trombones, one dark, cold morning, and a brave, hearty audience of 120 people on the beach. And it was a great time!! I wasn’t quite sure how this piece would work out, but it was actually alot of fun and sounded good!

I got into Sudbury on Thursday and went over to the school for rehearsal. Talk about homecoming!! Blair, Charlotte, Catherine, Mel and Marc. People I miss so much, who I have known for the majority of my life. It was fantastic. Especially seeing Marc as I haven’t seen him in at least 10 years. But he hasn’t changed! And I don’t think my feelings towards him have changed either – he can still smile at me and I get butterflies and feel giddy! I’ve missed him the most of all and it’s really unfortunate that we haven’t seen more of each other in the last years. Or this weekend – we haven’t had a chance to spend some time alone to talk and get caught up at all. And he’s going through a hard time, personally, right now – I’d like to sit down and talk and give him some comfort.

Friday I spent at the university with Andy – again, homecoming week at the department! Most of the profs kinda looked twice at me – like I both should and shouldn’t be there! But it was great to see everyone. I took Andy out for lunch while allowed us to get caught up, talk some science but mainly not. I miss having him around the corner as well. Email and phone just aren’t the same.

Friday evening we had a dress rehearsal on LU beach – man, it was friggin’ cold out there! The wind was nasty. But it gave us the chance to place ourselves around the lake, get an idea of how loud we had to play to hear each other, and discover the ins and outs of trying to turn pages when the wind is whipping your music around! But it was cool – we ran through both parts a couple of times, with the conductor in the middle of the lake waving around his flags. A dress rehearsal was a definite must – it was very different than playing it inside in a classroom where you can see everyone!!

5:30am this morning came very, very quickly!! And it’s very dark out here at 5:30am – darker than in Ottawa given that we are quite a bit further north-west. I got dressed (in multiple layers, using running tights are long johns!), let the dog out for a pee, and then stumbled off to the car to search out a Timmy’s for a much-needed hot coffee. Arriving at Laurentian, there were two cars in the parking lot, and Charlotte pulled up right behind me. We all donned our headlamps, gloves, and made the trek out to the beach. Pitch dark. Amazingly, there were already 2 people in lawn chairs waiting on the beach with flashlights!! Within 10 minutes, our ensemble, the Wild Bones, started to arrive and to manoeuvre into position around the lake, being careful not to get a soaker in the dark! After a bit of warming up, we started to notice more canoes and kayaks on the lake, including our conductor and the soprano soloist who performed a piece between “Dawn” and “Dusk”.

The piece went really well - the echo from the various parts around the lake was really cool, and we all played well. From what I could tell anyway!! It's difficult to play the piece and be a judge of how it sounded - I think you'd have to be on the beach or in the middle of the lake to get a full appreciation of the music.

The soprano soloist did a strange vocal piece that meddled well with the Schaffer piece - more tonal, native calls. It gave us a chance to take in some coffee, rest, and try and get an idea of how many people were on the beach in the audience. I counted 95 on the beach, but there were more people on the lake in boats, and behind us on the rocks. Altogether, 125 brave, hearty souls showed up for our performance - amazing!!!

After we played "Dawn", it was truly light and dawn had broken. Clapping and a few whoops from the audience was our reward! We quickly moved back to the beach, convened for a short time, and made the trek back to our cars in the parking lot so that we could return all the music stands and head to Perkins for much-needed coffee and warm food. I've never played a concert before where breakfast was the meal to be had after the performance! Ususally it's drinks and a late supper!!

Perkins was a great time - it gave me a chance to sit and talk with Marc, Blair, and Catherine. On top of it, Dick and Roger were both there!! My emotional reaction to seeing them shocked me - I was almost tearful. I saw them and ran over right away, gave them both a big hug and chatted for a while. That's when it really started to hit me with full force - I really, really, REALLY miss my musician friends. I was so happy to sit with them, play in the group, and generally just feel completely accepted and also missed. They kept suggesting that I should get a job in Sudbury so we can all hang out and play together again. And you know what ? The thought wasn't too offensive. If it wasn't for the nightmares and skeletons that follow me around everytime I go to Sudbury, I would go back. I miss the music geeks and Andy. They are all a HUGE part of my life and having to come and go every few months, playing with them once in a while, makes me very sad. Andy at least I see every once in a while, whether here or in Sudbury, and we talk on the phone and by email all the time. But playing with the gang is something entirely different. It is an integral part of who I am.

Some conversations were a shock. Talking with Marc was very hard as he's going through alot of personal problems and I feel so bad for him. I also realized that, even after 10 years, my feelings for him have not diminished. He's goofy, funny, cute, and he can still make me weak and giddy with just a smile.

I know I can't live in Sudbury, for my own emotional and mental health, and for my career. Thus, I have to be happy with the short times I spend there and start playing my trombone more here in Ottawa. I need to find a group to play with. It will never be the same, it can't, not when you've grown up with a certain group of people, but at least it will help me get back into shape and learning more music.

Homecoming weekend coming up

Tomorrow I'm headed to Sudbury to do a trombone gig with some old friends - people who have known me since I was 7 years old; who have stood by me through some of the worst times of my life, through some of the best times; people who I have loved feverishly as first true love can only be; people who I spent the best summer of my life with. It's going to be a wild mix of emotions seeing everyone. And it will bring back a flood of emotions from the past. I can't wait. I'm a bit nervous about this gig, but that's what tomorrow's rehearsal is for. It's going to be interesting, that's for sure. I am a bit worried about who might show up for this gig, as it's been advertised all over the city. I'm worried that my father is going to show up. That could get ugly.

It's been a long week. It started with union stuff on Monday - draining, exhausting, frustrating. Now, we'll see what happens. The rest of the week (the little time that has passed) has been spent in meetings and trying to get rid of this plague. I was going to train on Monday evening, but when I showed up at the gym, I promptly got told it was probably best that I didn't train, that I should let my body use all my energy to get better. Wise advice, so I listened to him and didn't train. There are not alot of people I will listen to in this situation!! I'm sure my mom would be happy to hear that there is at least one person who I won't be totally stubborn with!