Fuck the world. That's my feeling right now. I feel vaguely similar to how I felt years back when I had my breakdown - hopeless, anxious, helpless, insecure. You name it, if it's a negative emotion, it's going on in my head.
Last week was brutal - work, finances, training, etc. This weekend was good - the Ajarn Chai workshop, although I do have feelings of insecurity surrounding the whole weekend as well, which I won't go into here. Sunday night, I come home only to find a missed call - I checked the number and it's my father. Great. Here we go again. I contacted my brother who says that apparently he wants to talk to me "before it's too late". You know, it's hard to believe something to be sincere when there is 30 years of insincerity behind it. But given the last week of HELL, this was just the icing on the cake and sent me into a total downward spiral. After spending an evening being somewhat ignored in the first place, making me fed up with fucking hot/cold confusing relationships, coming home to that call was the point of no return.
Today was brutal. I didn't mind being at work, but I did mind having any intrusion into my personal space and having to talk to anyone. I went to the gym in the evening and just went and rode the bike, trying to just purge thoughts and stay in my own little world as I knew that opening my mouth to say anything was going to be bad. I promptly got into trouble for 'sneaking in' and not saying hi. Although, seriously? I really didn't want that interaction today to put more uncertainty and insecurity into my head. Fucking male role models. I can't deal with them. Except Andre. I went looking for him at the university tonight, while bawling my head off in the car. I needed him so bad tonight - he understands, he can handle me in this state.
Heavy drinking. That thought crossed my mind today. The other thought? Suicide. Dangerous thinking, I know. But I can see why people do it. I'm hinged on that point right now - what's the point really? I'm not with anyone. I'm frustrated in my job, and not really sure I'm good at it. Lately I seem to be clashing with every person I come across. I'm sick of being in debt and horribly bad with money. Really, what's holding me here? Not much. Who really cares what happens to me? My mom? My dog?
Negative snark is back.
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