A home without a dog, too painful to deal with

The last few days have been very difficult. Coming home to an empty, dog-free house is unbelievably hard and heart-wrenching. I haven't been able to put away Abbey's bowls or collars yet - they remain where they always have. I did pick up the blankets and fold them, but haven't removed them from the living room. Last night, I slept with his fleece jacket beside me. It's slight comfort in an otherwise horrible time. It's amazing how much a dog becomes part of your life, infiltrates every minute of the day. I'm lost in the evening - what do you mean I don't have to go out for a walk in the evening? Or have to fight for space to put my legs on the couch? It's just wrong. Last night I decided that I would self-medicate with a baguette, some cheese and pate. Not the healthiest, but oh well. I had the cheese rind scraped off and was turning it around to offer it to Abbey. Nope. No dripping eager nose there to greet me. That hurt. Everything hurts. Not being greeted at the door when I come home. Not having a warm fuzzy body pressed up against me at night.

One of my best friends was supposed to come with me on Monday to the vet's, to offer support and comfort on that horrible day. At midnight the night before, he sends me an email saying he can't come with me, that his accompanying me had become a source of tension between he and his wife. That threw me for a loop. I was pissed off, angry, sad, hurt, confused, you name it. This is someone who has been like a father and brother and best friend to me for years and years and years. The last person in the world who I would have expected to abandon and desert me at such a horrible time. Someone who I never thought would hurt me.

So on top of losing Abbey, I feel like I'm now also losing one of my best friends. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst for the situation. Maybe he has a good reason for reneging on me and I should hear him out. He said that we need to talk and he'll explain. I'm not sure I want to hear the explanations. He says I haven't done anything wrong. Then why WHY do such a shitty thing to me?

I've tried to keep busy in the last couple of days. Spent Monday and yesterday at the gym, just hanging out. I'm too exhausted to train. Yesterday I helped drill metal for the new ring. Today I've come in to work not because I feel like working or have any sort of focus, but simply because I don't want to be at home and don't know what to do. I went to bed around 9pm last night, but didn't sleep well at all. I promised myself I would stop medicating myself with homemade wine - although it helps me sleep, it's not a good cure for pain and only ceases to make my head hurt the next morning. And it's a bad habit to slip into given my genetics. I actually considered driving to Toronto today and dropping in at my brother's place. I chatted with him last night. They are trying to figure out how to explain to my nephew about Abbey. Not easy. I can't even explain it to myself much less a 5 year old.

In Memory of Abbey

Abbey,
You came into my life when I most needed you, at a time when I was lost, uncertain, and needed someone to love, unconditionally. At a time when you needed a forever home, someone to love you unconditionally. When I first saw your photo on the GRA site, you immediately stole my heart - that goofy look that was with you until the end. You were the light of my life, my heart dog, my reason for being even on the darkest days. You taught me how to love again, to be soft and gentle and happy. If any dog and owner can be perfectly matched, I believed it happened to us. I will never forget you. The day you first learned how to master stairs. The day you figured out glass doors. The very first day you play bowed and truly opened up to me. Your first day at camp learning that you couldn't walk on water. The many play sessions in the park, running and wrestling with me, so happy and free. The way you would put out your paw in the middle of the night just to check I was still there, and get a hand in return. So many firsts we went through together and I will never forget you through it all. My big goofy goober boy, I love you so much. I couldn't let you continue in pain so chose to set you free, to run and chase the squirrels forever. The house is so empty, so quiet. So lonely. I don't know what it's like to have the couch or the bed to myself. I don't want it to myself. If I could wave a magic wand and have you back, whole and healthy, I would. I am so, so sorry. You were too young to leave this world. It hurts so bad to lose you, but I will never forget you. You touched so many peoples' hearts - everyone always commented on what an amazing, handsome and social boy you were. In my eyes, you are perfect. We needed each other more than either of us knew. More than I knew, that's for sure. Because now I am empty, lost, and heart-broken. But I am a better person to have had you in my life. The grief I feel now is a direct function of the love I feel for you.

Abbey, I love you, I miss you, I always will, and you will forever be in my heart.

Northern Abbey
25/08/2002 - 29/12/2008

black day

today is a very black day.

i have to put my dog to sleep.

and one of my best friends abandoned me.

what's the point.

Movies and wine

Sitting here drinking home made wine and watching "Bridget Jones, Edge of Reason". For the millionth time. I have read this book, and the previous one, way too many times. I bought both originally in Paris, France, at W.H. Smith, the only really good English bookstore in Paris. I just finished watching "Tropic Thunder" (well worth it) and now this was on, so am catching the finish of it. Again, for the millionth time. Although personally, I think Hugh Grant is much better looking than Colin Firth.

Paris. I'm headed back there in September. Whether for good or bad, I don't know. It might be good to live in another country again. Live, not just travel. And I do miss Paris. I wonder if my apartment is still available? I'll have to email my landlord and find out. Thankfully I never did put those goldfish in her baseboards as Andy suggested. Oh man, I would have loved to though. Especially after the evening I had Francois and Josh over for supper. That would have been perfect. She was evil.

I haven't thought about France in a while. Let's trade one bad situation for another shall we?! It's called avoidance and running away. And I'm damn good at it!! But right now, seems like such an excellent idea. Go to France, eat, drink and be merry. Nope, substitute merry for fucked over.

Okay, yup, a bit squiffy on home made wine, I'll admit. Time to put away the computer and not write emails or blog posts!!!

So. Friday night at the Piilonen residence - homemade Petit Syrah and pay-per-view movies. Not quite sure what else to do actually. In a bit of a mess, unsure what to do about the puppy, trying to get through the holidays without being totally bitter and unhappy.

So many issues, so little wine. uh, time.

I realized yesterday that I have a problem forming deep relationships with women.

Why, dear snark, did this revelation occur to me during this festive season? Only because I've been getting to know better a friend who I fortunately met accidentally a while back and with whom I clicked immediately. We come from the same background and, I think instinctively understand each other. Ah, the bonding power of being an Adult Child of an Alchoholic and totally dysfunctional!! Anyway, in the process, I've realized that when the relationship becomes a bit more close, with a female, I tend to get a bit freaked out and unsure. There's no reason for it either, but it's a very real reaction.

I did a bit of an inventory of close female friends in the years. Best friends. There have been a couple through highschool and university (LH and EC and MG come first to mind during highschool, undergrad and grad), but my natural inclination is towards developing more intimate relationships with guys. I suspect part of the problem (and here I am psychoanalysing myself) is that I have not had good female role models and never really had the opportunity to develop female-female relationships in my family. Well, hell, I never really formed any sort of relationship with anyone in my family!! I didn't have male role models in my family, but I did have a number of good ones outside of the family to whom I attached myself like superglue, sometimes to disasterous ends, but that's a tale for another post.

My recent experience with a female who I considered to be a long-lost big sister, someone who I loved dearly and would have done anything for, ended in disaster. Partially me being more demanding and needy than she could handle. For a very select number of people, yes, I am extremely intense because I would lay my life down for them. Not that I consciously expect the same from them, but that's how deep my loyalty goes. Very few people. Partially her being unable to open up fully and being unable to trust. We'd start discussions, very frank, open and honest discussions about life, and bam! The wall would go up. And my! what a thick wall it was too!! I haven't talked to her in months, since May, except for a brief email last week to tell her about Abbey. Part of me would like to have her back in my life. Part of me knows that if she does come back in my life, I will be tromped on and hurt once again.

Why bring this up now? Because I'm having issues with one female friend. I should learn not to mix friend groups. I should be more conscious of the fact that I protect certain relationships and get a bit jealous of them. This person is normal, from what I can tell. Meaning she's from a happy home with no serious personality flaws. Which, unfortunately, means she will never fully understand me. I think she accepts me, although maybe finds me difficult and gets confused. But it makes it hard for me because she'll never understand. I tend to feel very smothered by her and therefore I start pulling away. I've also introduced two streams of friends and now they interact, which makes me uncomfortable to be with the 4 of them (5th wheel syndrome) simply because I have huge insecurity issues with one of them anyway. I know I should be confident and secure in both relationships, they are all important. Or are they.

But not all relationships are created equal, and one of them also has an underlying natural understanding bred of the strange bond I mentioned above, the ACA and dysfunctionality commonality. It's a force that you cannot ignore. I am drawn towards ACA types, finding in them a natural understanding, acceptance and a much easier time of opening up to them. I look at my relationship with S, and by association, J. That is a relationship which is more important to me than anything and they know more about me than most anyone else on the planet. And vice versa.

It was offered to me that this person, the normal female above, could drive me to the vet's when the time comes to let Abbey go. I didn't know how to respond. I have three choices of whom I want with me at that time, S, A or B. She wasn't on that list. I know it's a very nice offer, I appreciate it, but I need one of my cornermen with me, one of the guys who has been with me through hell and back, who always has my back and vice versa. That's what I need on that particular day. And A has already offered. I look at who I go to when I break down and hit rock bottom. That is the person I want with me on the day I have to let go of my beloved puppy. The person I will not be ashamed to cry hysterically in front of and who I would let comfort me. I don't let everyone comfort me. I won't accept it. I have to trust them and want them to comfort me. Otherwise, I will do nothing but pull away. And fast.

Relationships. They are never perfect and always more one-sided than equal. I accept that.

Merry xmas

Merry Christmas to all. I'm sitting here watching my puppy attack the remote control for the DVD player. No, I'm not stopping him because it's funny and cute and it's awesome to watch him play (even if it means at the cost of the remote). He's in a good mood, regardless of the fall he took on the ice this morning (when I almost had a heart attack thinking that he's certainly going to break his leg). I alternate between crying hysterically over him and cherishing every moment. I had a long chat with Andre yesterday about the situation. When I bluntly asked him what he would do, he said he would let Abbey go out on a good note, not let the disease take him over and cause him pain or suffering. That is similar to my thoughts as well, but then I look at him chewing on the remote and realize how people can put off the inevitable because of their own emotions. But I'm afraid of him suffering, of breaking his leg or having possible internal tumors causing problems. Andre also very astutely vocalized my guilt complex and put my mind at ease. I guess I've been waiting and waiting for someone to tell me that I'm selfish and horrible and evil and not compassionate and irresponsible. I keep expecting this response when I talk about letting him go after the holidays, earlier rather than later. I think I subconcioulsy want this negative reaction because I feel so shitty.

He's been dealt a death sentence and all I can do is make sure he doesn't feel pain. I fear doing this too soon. I fear worse doing this too late. I don't think there can be a right time. One day of pain is too much when there is no cure.

But I still feel like shit. And the more I talk to people, the more confused and miserable I get. The more I sit here with my puppy, the harder I want to hold on to him and never let him go. So I sit here crying, but trying not to show him that I'm upset because he will pick up on it.

The Spirit of a Greyhound

The Spirit Of A Greyhound

I was standing on a hillside in a field of blowing wheat,
and the spirit of a Greyhound was lying at my feet.
He looked at me with kind dark eyes, ancient wisdom shining through.
in the essence of his being, I saw the love there too.
His mind did lock upon my heart as I stood there on that day,
and he told me of this story about a place so far away.
As I stood upon that hillside in a field of blowing wheat,
in a twinkling of a second his spirit left my feet.
His tale did put my heart at ease, all my fears did fade away
about what lay ahead of me on another distant day.
"I live among God's creatures now in the heavens of your mind,
so do not grieve for me, my friend as I am with my kind.
My collar is a rainbow's hue, my leash a shooting star.
my boundaries are the Milky Way where I sparkle from afar.
There are no pens or kennels here for I am not confined,
but I'm free to roam God's heavens among the Greyhound kind.
I nap the day on a snowy cloud gentle breezes rocking me,
and dream the dreams of earthlings, and how it used to be.
The trees are full of liver treats, and tennis balls abound,
and milk bones line the walkways just waiting to be found.
There even is a ring set up, the grass all lush and green;
and everyone who gaits around becomes the Best of Breed.
For we're all winners in this place; we have no faults, you see.
and God passes out those ribbons to each one, even me.
I drink from waters laced with gold, my world a beauty to behold;
and wise old dogs do form my pride to amble at my very side.
At night I sleep in angel's arms, her wings protecting me,
and moonbeams dance about us as stardust falls on thee.
So when your life on earth is spent and you stand at Heaven's gate,
have no fear of loneliness-- for here, you know, I wait."

-Author Unknown

Dealing with cancer

The last 10 days have been very difficult. As far as Christmas holidays go, this one is starting to take over the #1 spot for "Worst Christmas Ever". It is almost passing the good old Christmas of 2004 when I began my mental breakdown and period of suicidal depression that lasted, at its worst level, for 6 months, and persisted to lesser degrees for 2 years. However, and I cannot often say this! This horrible Christmas has nothing to do with dysfunctional family members! That's a first!

Abbey, my beloved furbaby, has bone cancer. Bone hemangiosarcoma to be exact. If you want to discuss nasty cancers, this one is the monster of all nasty cancers, the ring leader. It is actually a blood cancer which moves throughout the body and can affect the bones, organs or skin. With Abbey, it's shown up on his rear left tibia, right above the hock. He's got a golf-ball sized tumor there, hard, swollen. X-rays and a fine needle aspiration were done to give a diagnosis. I could have a needle biopsy done as well, but given the location and the fragility of the bone, the likelihood is that the bone would fracture.


It's a situation I hope no one ever has to go through - a pet dying well before their time. He's 6 years, 3 months and is happy and, otherwise, healthy. He ate all his breakfast and supper today, and wants to go for walkies and go out and play in the snow. He wants to run and romp and wrestle like we normally do. But I can't let him - he might fracture his leg and that would be game over.

The only solution to this disease is amputation and chemotherapy. I've chosen, for a variety of reasons, not to go this route. For one, it's not a cure. If the cancer has metastasized, amputation would only prolong the inevitable. Secondly, although I think Abbey would actually handle the amputation itself like a trooper (ie. he'd make a fine tripod), past experience has shown that he does not do well under anesthetic nor with drugs. And chemo, hell, I can't even imagine what that would do to him. Most dogs get very sick as it is. I don't think he'd do well and I can't imagine putting him through it. Lastly, the total cost for amputation and chemo is on the order of $4000 to $6000. That's not including any possible complications. My credit card is max'd out, as is my line of credit. I have no savings (trying to pay off all loans), and I don't own a house so can't get a loan. I'm a single income "parent". I simply can't afford it. Now if I knew that yes, there was a true cure out there, that he would be in my life for many more years, I would find the money. I would return my Thailand ticket and not go over to Asia. I would do my hardest to do something. But that's not the case. Increased life spans after amp+chemo are on the order of 6-12 months on average. That's not quality of life.


I have been in regular contact with the Greyhound Wellness program at the Ohio State Veterinary College. They are the experts in greyhound bone cancer and bleeding disorders. Once the fine needle aspiration was done last Tuesday, I sent all the x-rays and the samples down to Ohio via FedEx. I spent 4 nervous days waiting for them to email with results. The diagnosis that we originally had, osteosarcoma, was increased to bone hemangiosarcoma. Since then, I've been back and forth with them about what to do. However, they are pretty insistent on doing the amputation and a course of chemo. In the USA, retired racers get free chemo. For a 90 lb dog like Abbey, that's $300 per dose, with 10-20 doses. Here in Canada, we don't qualify for that program, even though he's originally from New Hampshire, because the Canadian government won't allow the USA drugs across the border. Go figure.

There are many greyhound discussion forums out there, and since bone cancer is the most prevalent cancer in greys, alot of discussion focuses around to amp or not. Alot of people go the amputation route, alot don't. I suspect that many who don't simply do not post on the forum as they feel as guilty as I feel right now. I have huge pools of guilt building up right now - that I'm a bad doggy parent, irresponsible, uncaring, horrible, evil, mean, etc. You name it, I've called myself those bad terms. I don't want my baby to die. If I could have him with me forever, I would. He's my heart and soul, my best friend, he came into my life when I needed a lifejacket and someone to teach me to be whole and happy again. But I can't put him through pain and torture of which he won't understand at all. All I can do is love him and promise him that I won't let him suffer. But the guilt!! Oh my god!! It's killing me.

I'm supposed to leave for Thailand at the end of January. I shouldn't be looking that far forward. I don't suspect that we have that long together. But I have to ask myself - am I a horribly selfish person for not canceling the trip RIGHT NOW and not going? What happens if he's still in good shape by then? Even though I know the stats for this cancer, how fast it moves, I still berate myself and ask myself these unfair questions which I know serve no purpose other than to make me feel more guilty and self-flagelate, something I have a knack for.

One thing this whole horrid ordeal has taught me is how important certain people are in my life. It's brought me closer to a number of people, let me open up a bit more. It's brought me into contact with other greyhound owners who have gone through the same experience, total strangers who are willing to open their hearts and homes to another grey owner experiencing the pain of dealing with cancer. I had an invite to Christmas Eve dinner that I never, ever expected and for which I will forever be grateful and cherish, even though I had to turn it down as I already had plans to go to Scott's.

I've never had to put a pet to sleep before. I've never had a dying pet. I don't know what to expect, how to react, what to do. The worst part is waiting. But I think waiting is a bad term. I will cherish each day I have with him, love him and cuddle him and feed him any treats he wants. I won't let anything hurt him and I will have to be strong for him and let him go when he's ready. This is the hardest thing I could do. Everyone says this is the biggest demonstration of love you can give a pet, but it's the hardest thing in the world to do because you do love them so much.

Waiting

Waiting has to be the worst thing in the world. Tomorrow Abbey goes in to get a fine needle aspiration to determine what is causing the lump on his hock. When that is done, I will immediately FedEx his x-rays down to Ohio State Veterinary College where they have a greyhound cancer expert. They will read the x-rays and let me know what they think. It's always good to have a second (or third or fourth) opinion.

I went to the gym tonight and hit the heavy bag. Maybe that was a bad idea as my foot is nowhere near to being healed. But Muay Thai is my stress-relief mechanism and not being able to train in such a stressful time is just too much. So I hit the bag and will deal with the consequences tomorrow - not being able to walk in the morning.

Waiting for results after the FNA is going to be brutal. I will have to find something to keep myself occupied and busy. And I have to work on Saturday, which is even worse. Right now, going to Sudbury for the holidays is up in the air. It will all depend on the results of the FNA.

This type of stress makes everything else that has been lurking below the surface rise up and boil over. I'm on edge, my emotions are raw and not entirely under control. I can be at work, but I have to be careful who I go near and who I talk to. On top of it, Christmas sucks anyway. This time of year always sends me into a depressive dive.

Of dogs and (wo)men

It's been a very trying, emotionally draining last 3 days. Ignoring the fact that the Christmas season brings about its own depressive streak in me, on Wednesday I discovered a lump on Abbey's rear left hock. He's been limping a bit, and in the last couple of weeks hasn't been jumping up on the bed easily, and shifting uncomfortably on the couch during the night. It's not like him to not sleep soundly during the night. Wednesday, he was visibly avoiding putting weight on his rear foot, and when I examined the leg, I found that his hock was horribly swollen. But not swollen in a soft-tissue type way - this swelling is very hard, bony. I immediately called my vet and booked an appointment for the next day.

Thursday when I brought him in, Dr. Mamdani didn't even hesitate is suggesting an x-ray be done asap - no fucking around. And blood work. I left Abbey there (he had to be sedated for the x-ray) and went to keep myself busy for 2 hours before I could go back and get him and the results. By this time, I was a wreak - bawling, shaking, scared shitless. I know the stats for cancer in greyhounds and the lump wasn't good at all. I went to the university and luckily Andre was there. I spent a tearful hour in Andre's office, trying to explain the situation. I was a total mess, feeling helpless.

I went back to get Abbey and the x-ray results. Not good. There is a definite abnormal growth and mottling on the tibia. Dr. Mamdani even did a chest x-ray (which confirmed to me that he was concerned) as osteosarcoma metastasizes into the lungs very quickly but that was clear. Looking at the x-rays was hard, knowing full well something is wrong. We decided to wait for the bloodwork results and then see what a course of anti-inflammatories does.

Friday was just fucking brutal. It was our annual mineral sciences piss-up, which is always fun, but this year I just couldn't get into it. I went for lunch with them all, and was able to relax and keep my mind partially off Abbey. During lunch, I was able to contact the vet's office and found out that the blood work was clean - no abnormalities showed up. At home, I spent most of the afternoon contacting our greyhound organization president, and the greyhound expert at Ohio State University. The only sure test that will confirm cancer is either a biopsy or a fine needle aspiration. A biopsy is dangerous - it has complications, has to be done under anesthetic, and can cause fractures if the bone is already corroded. Either method is $$$$$. I just can't afford it right now - the x-rays and bloodwork alone took away all money I had. Luckily, fortunately, the GSNCR offered to cover the costs of an aspiration. They are now my Christmas angel. So tuesday morning, he'll have the aspiration and we'll have definite results, for better or worse.

Friday supper was out at in China town and, for me, it was 2 hours of mixed emotions, with me feeling completely like a 5th wheel again and fighting old insecurities with one of my male role models. I can't conquer my insecurities with him, I can't figure out if he likes me at all or simply puts up with me.

After dinner, I found my mineral guys and went and had a couple of beers with them. That made me feel alot better. Being with Scott made me feel so much better. With him, I don't have to pretend, I can be insecure but know that it's okay and he understands, I don't have to be strong or confident or normal or live up to expectations. I can be myself, no matter how fucked up and dysfunctional that is. And I realized late last night how important these guys are to me, and that I've been neglecting them and our relationships lately. I've been trying to figure out another relationship and have ignore the ones that I do have confidence in. I drove Scott home, although way out of my way, simply because I wanted to talk with him. The last couple of months have been brutal and I haven't had a chance to really talk with him. This nightmare with Abbey has made me realize that I need to stay closer to those that really matter, who don't make me feel insecure and jealous and fucked up and diminished and insulted.

Sigh. not alot of fun here right now. Broke, stressed, fucked up. I went back to the vet's today to talk about the bloodwork and get Abbey and injection of an anti-inflammatory. My vet has been awesome throughout this. Today he gave me a hug before I left. Fuck, I can't even get that much condolence and support from other people who I think are friends.

The next couple of days are going to be hard. The needle aspiration is on Tuesday morning. I don't know how long it takes to get results. I hope before christmas. Merry fucking Christmas.

Chaos in Thailand

Over the last week, PAD demonstrators have taken over the two main airports in Bangkok (see this online paper for more info: The Nation). Subsequently, more than 1/4 million passengers have been stranded, either stuck at the airports, in near-by hotels, or on random buses and trains to various other small airports to be flown, maybe, out to other large Asian cities. Put simply, the city is in a mess. The country is on edge, tense, and the possibility of a coup looms large on the horizon. Today, a bomb exploded at Don Mueng, killing one person. Luckily, hopefully, December 5th is the King's birthday - I hope that he makes a special plea to PAD to get the hell out of the airports and let normal routine continue. Let Thailand salvage some of the tourist industry for this year. Most countries are issuing travel warnings.

Any normal person would think twice about traveling in such a climate - political instability in the capital, Muslim-Buddhist unreset in the southern regions, and flooding along the eastern coast.

Nope, not me! I've had a number of people ask if I'm worried or if I'm considering cancelling. Other than "no way", my other response is that it actually makes traveling more interesting. In Bangkok, it's fine - there is no random violence, certainly none directed at tourists, and it's more of a "wrong place, wrong time" scenario. Don't go looking for trouble and you'll be fine. Stay away from the political buildings in town and it's not a problem. Provided the protests at the airports are ended and the planes start flying again, it's all good. Thailand has to deal with their political problems and we can't sit here and complain that their issues are ruining our holidays, which I have seen and read way too much in the news, mainly by Brits and Americans.

So no, nothing is going to deter me or scare me off from returning to Thailand in January. Yes, it could be more interesting than last year in terms of ease of travel, but hey! Could be fun! As for getting "stuck" in Thailand, like other tourists are complaining of - oh darn! Such a hard life! Grab an extra towel and head to the beaches. I would be happy to be stuck in Thailand - it's not like your employer could fault you for not being at work!!