So many issues, so little wine. uh, time.

I realized yesterday that I have a problem forming deep relationships with women.

Why, dear snark, did this revelation occur to me during this festive season? Only because I've been getting to know better a friend who I fortunately met accidentally a while back and with whom I clicked immediately. We come from the same background and, I think instinctively understand each other. Ah, the bonding power of being an Adult Child of an Alchoholic and totally dysfunctional!! Anyway, in the process, I've realized that when the relationship becomes a bit more close, with a female, I tend to get a bit freaked out and unsure. There's no reason for it either, but it's a very real reaction.

I did a bit of an inventory of close female friends in the years. Best friends. There have been a couple through highschool and university (LH and EC and MG come first to mind during highschool, undergrad and grad), but my natural inclination is towards developing more intimate relationships with guys. I suspect part of the problem (and here I am psychoanalysing myself) is that I have not had good female role models and never really had the opportunity to develop female-female relationships in my family. Well, hell, I never really formed any sort of relationship with anyone in my family!! I didn't have male role models in my family, but I did have a number of good ones outside of the family to whom I attached myself like superglue, sometimes to disasterous ends, but that's a tale for another post.

My recent experience with a female who I considered to be a long-lost big sister, someone who I loved dearly and would have done anything for, ended in disaster. Partially me being more demanding and needy than she could handle. For a very select number of people, yes, I am extremely intense because I would lay my life down for them. Not that I consciously expect the same from them, but that's how deep my loyalty goes. Very few people. Partially her being unable to open up fully and being unable to trust. We'd start discussions, very frank, open and honest discussions about life, and bam! The wall would go up. And my! what a thick wall it was too!! I haven't talked to her in months, since May, except for a brief email last week to tell her about Abbey. Part of me would like to have her back in my life. Part of me knows that if she does come back in my life, I will be tromped on and hurt once again.

Why bring this up now? Because I'm having issues with one female friend. I should learn not to mix friend groups. I should be more conscious of the fact that I protect certain relationships and get a bit jealous of them. This person is normal, from what I can tell. Meaning she's from a happy home with no serious personality flaws. Which, unfortunately, means she will never fully understand me. I think she accepts me, although maybe finds me difficult and gets confused. But it makes it hard for me because she'll never understand. I tend to feel very smothered by her and therefore I start pulling away. I've also introduced two streams of friends and now they interact, which makes me uncomfortable to be with the 4 of them (5th wheel syndrome) simply because I have huge insecurity issues with one of them anyway. I know I should be confident and secure in both relationships, they are all important. Or are they.

But not all relationships are created equal, and one of them also has an underlying natural understanding bred of the strange bond I mentioned above, the ACA and dysfunctionality commonality. It's a force that you cannot ignore. I am drawn towards ACA types, finding in them a natural understanding, acceptance and a much easier time of opening up to them. I look at my relationship with S, and by association, J. That is a relationship which is more important to me than anything and they know more about me than most anyone else on the planet. And vice versa.

It was offered to me that this person, the normal female above, could drive me to the vet's when the time comes to let Abbey go. I didn't know how to respond. I have three choices of whom I want with me at that time, S, A or B. She wasn't on that list. I know it's a very nice offer, I appreciate it, but I need one of my cornermen with me, one of the guys who has been with me through hell and back, who always has my back and vice versa. That's what I need on that particular day. And A has already offered. I look at who I go to when I break down and hit rock bottom. That is the person I want with me on the day I have to let go of my beloved puppy. The person I will not be ashamed to cry hysterically in front of and who I would let comfort me. I don't let everyone comfort me. I won't accept it. I have to trust them and want them to comfort me. Otherwise, I will do nothing but pull away. And fast.

Relationships. They are never perfect and always more one-sided than equal. I accept that.