A home without a dog, too painful to deal with

The last few days have been very difficult. Coming home to an empty, dog-free house is unbelievably hard and heart-wrenching. I haven't been able to put away Abbey's bowls or collars yet - they remain where they always have. I did pick up the blankets and fold them, but haven't removed them from the living room. Last night, I slept with his fleece jacket beside me. It's slight comfort in an otherwise horrible time. It's amazing how much a dog becomes part of your life, infiltrates every minute of the day. I'm lost in the evening - what do you mean I don't have to go out for a walk in the evening? Or have to fight for space to put my legs on the couch? It's just wrong. Last night I decided that I would self-medicate with a baguette, some cheese and pate. Not the healthiest, but oh well. I had the cheese rind scraped off and was turning it around to offer it to Abbey. Nope. No dripping eager nose there to greet me. That hurt. Everything hurts. Not being greeted at the door when I come home. Not having a warm fuzzy body pressed up against me at night.

One of my best friends was supposed to come with me on Monday to the vet's, to offer support and comfort on that horrible day. At midnight the night before, he sends me an email saying he can't come with me, that his accompanying me had become a source of tension between he and his wife. That threw me for a loop. I was pissed off, angry, sad, hurt, confused, you name it. This is someone who has been like a father and brother and best friend to me for years and years and years. The last person in the world who I would have expected to abandon and desert me at such a horrible time. Someone who I never thought would hurt me.

So on top of losing Abbey, I feel like I'm now also losing one of my best friends. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst for the situation. Maybe he has a good reason for reneging on me and I should hear him out. He said that we need to talk and he'll explain. I'm not sure I want to hear the explanations. He says I haven't done anything wrong. Then why WHY do such a shitty thing to me?

I've tried to keep busy in the last couple of days. Spent Monday and yesterday at the gym, just hanging out. I'm too exhausted to train. Yesterday I helped drill metal for the new ring. Today I've come in to work not because I feel like working or have any sort of focus, but simply because I don't want to be at home and don't know what to do. I went to bed around 9pm last night, but didn't sleep well at all. I promised myself I would stop medicating myself with homemade wine - although it helps me sleep, it's not a good cure for pain and only ceases to make my head hurt the next morning. And it's a bad habit to slip into given my genetics. I actually considered driving to Toronto today and dropping in at my brother's place. I chatted with him last night. They are trying to figure out how to explain to my nephew about Abbey. Not easy. I can't even explain it to myself much less a 5 year old.