Merry xmas

Merry Christmas to all. I'm sitting here watching my puppy attack the remote control for the DVD player. No, I'm not stopping him because it's funny and cute and it's awesome to watch him play (even if it means at the cost of the remote). He's in a good mood, regardless of the fall he took on the ice this morning (when I almost had a heart attack thinking that he's certainly going to break his leg). I alternate between crying hysterically over him and cherishing every moment. I had a long chat with Andre yesterday about the situation. When I bluntly asked him what he would do, he said he would let Abbey go out on a good note, not let the disease take him over and cause him pain or suffering. That is similar to my thoughts as well, but then I look at him chewing on the remote and realize how people can put off the inevitable because of their own emotions. But I'm afraid of him suffering, of breaking his leg or having possible internal tumors causing problems. Andre also very astutely vocalized my guilt complex and put my mind at ease. I guess I've been waiting and waiting for someone to tell me that I'm selfish and horrible and evil and not compassionate and irresponsible. I keep expecting this response when I talk about letting him go after the holidays, earlier rather than later. I think I subconcioulsy want this negative reaction because I feel so shitty.

He's been dealt a death sentence and all I can do is make sure he doesn't feel pain. I fear doing this too soon. I fear worse doing this too late. I don't think there can be a right time. One day of pain is too much when there is no cure.

But I still feel like shit. And the more I talk to people, the more confused and miserable I get. The more I sit here with my puppy, the harder I want to hold on to him and never let him go. So I sit here crying, but trying not to show him that I'm upset because he will pick up on it.