Of dogs and (wo)men

It's been a very trying, emotionally draining last 3 days. Ignoring the fact that the Christmas season brings about its own depressive streak in me, on Wednesday I discovered a lump on Abbey's rear left hock. He's been limping a bit, and in the last couple of weeks hasn't been jumping up on the bed easily, and shifting uncomfortably on the couch during the night. It's not like him to not sleep soundly during the night. Wednesday, he was visibly avoiding putting weight on his rear foot, and when I examined the leg, I found that his hock was horribly swollen. But not swollen in a soft-tissue type way - this swelling is very hard, bony. I immediately called my vet and booked an appointment for the next day.

Thursday when I brought him in, Dr. Mamdani didn't even hesitate is suggesting an x-ray be done asap - no fucking around. And blood work. I left Abbey there (he had to be sedated for the x-ray) and went to keep myself busy for 2 hours before I could go back and get him and the results. By this time, I was a wreak - bawling, shaking, scared shitless. I know the stats for cancer in greyhounds and the lump wasn't good at all. I went to the university and luckily Andre was there. I spent a tearful hour in Andre's office, trying to explain the situation. I was a total mess, feeling helpless.

I went back to get Abbey and the x-ray results. Not good. There is a definite abnormal growth and mottling on the tibia. Dr. Mamdani even did a chest x-ray (which confirmed to me that he was concerned) as osteosarcoma metastasizes into the lungs very quickly but that was clear. Looking at the x-rays was hard, knowing full well something is wrong. We decided to wait for the bloodwork results and then see what a course of anti-inflammatories does.

Friday was just fucking brutal. It was our annual mineral sciences piss-up, which is always fun, but this year I just couldn't get into it. I went for lunch with them all, and was able to relax and keep my mind partially off Abbey. During lunch, I was able to contact the vet's office and found out that the blood work was clean - no abnormalities showed up. At home, I spent most of the afternoon contacting our greyhound organization president, and the greyhound expert at Ohio State University. The only sure test that will confirm cancer is either a biopsy or a fine needle aspiration. A biopsy is dangerous - it has complications, has to be done under anesthetic, and can cause fractures if the bone is already corroded. Either method is $$$$$. I just can't afford it right now - the x-rays and bloodwork alone took away all money I had. Luckily, fortunately, the GSNCR offered to cover the costs of an aspiration. They are now my Christmas angel. So tuesday morning, he'll have the aspiration and we'll have definite results, for better or worse.

Friday supper was out at in China town and, for me, it was 2 hours of mixed emotions, with me feeling completely like a 5th wheel again and fighting old insecurities with one of my male role models. I can't conquer my insecurities with him, I can't figure out if he likes me at all or simply puts up with me.

After dinner, I found my mineral guys and went and had a couple of beers with them. That made me feel alot better. Being with Scott made me feel so much better. With him, I don't have to pretend, I can be insecure but know that it's okay and he understands, I don't have to be strong or confident or normal or live up to expectations. I can be myself, no matter how fucked up and dysfunctional that is. And I realized late last night how important these guys are to me, and that I've been neglecting them and our relationships lately. I've been trying to figure out another relationship and have ignore the ones that I do have confidence in. I drove Scott home, although way out of my way, simply because I wanted to talk with him. The last couple of months have been brutal and I haven't had a chance to really talk with him. This nightmare with Abbey has made me realize that I need to stay closer to those that really matter, who don't make me feel insecure and jealous and fucked up and diminished and insulted.

Sigh. not alot of fun here right now. Broke, stressed, fucked up. I went back to the vet's today to talk about the bloodwork and get Abbey and injection of an anti-inflammatory. My vet has been awesome throughout this. Today he gave me a hug before I left. Fuck, I can't even get that much condolence and support from other people who I think are friends.

The next couple of days are going to be hard. The needle aspiration is on Tuesday morning. I don't know how long it takes to get results. I hope before christmas. Merry fucking Christmas.