Minor melt down, but holding somewhat steady

So. Here I sit, back in Ottawa. This morning, I attempted to drive to Sudbury. "Attempted" being the operative word. After a somewhat sleepless night (thoughts of the hell on earth being in Sudbury would be - butting heads with brother, potential and likely blow out with aunt, not sleeping well, no puppy to take for walks to get out of the house), I was up early this morning, grabbed coffee and took off. Although the sky was bright blue, the roads from here to Renfrew were wet, but not slippery. From Renfrew westwards, the snow coverage increased. Increased snow coverage meant my anxiety level increased exponentially. By the time I got to Cobden, I was in the starting stages of a full on anxiety attack. Once again. I haven't had a panic attack in years and years. And knowing full well what happens during a panic attack, I pulled over into the gas station parking lot and had a melt down. This past week, the last 2 weeks, finally caught up with me and that was it - I couldn't handle it any longer. I sat there for a while and then called my mom and explained my situation. She was understanding, and had been worried about me driving that route while being somewhat emotionally fragile. I was going to Sudbury for her, not for anyone else. But I can't be of help if I'm not stable myself. And driving to Sudbury was going to land me in the looney bin. The return trip probably the same.

I grabbed a coffee, turned around and came home. I stopped by the gym (had sent emails explaining the situation as it was unfolding), had a bit of a laugh and managed to stop shaking. Now I'm home, baking chicken and trying to chill out and stay sane.

I'm a complete wreck. I'm standing on a ridge, with one side being depression and anxiety which I haven't seen in many years, and the other side is the new year, a fresh start, a sweeping away of the last couple of weeks. I keep leaning to the fresh start side, but unfortunately the dark side pulls hard at me. So far I'm resisting. I think only because I have a good support network here. If it wasn't for a few key people, I would have jumped to the dark side of this ridge a couple of days ago. There has to be a silver lining here somewhere.

My brother is not going to be happy that I didn't come north. Neither is my aunt. But really, both of them have more issues than me. Well, more unresolved issues anyway. There isn't much I can do there. There is no funeral or viewing or such. They are simply dealing with possessions and the will and other legal stuff.

It's said that bad things happen in three's, right? Okay, the three things have come and gone. That's it already. Knock it off. Let 2009 start right and fresh and happy.