sinking without a weight belt

I have a huge posting done in my other computer, but I can't get it on to this one without a hassle, so maybe it's not meant to be anyway.

I've been in Toronto all week, working at the ROM, and training in the mornings/evenings at a muay thai gym here. It's just been one of those weeks which has been both good and bad - bad because it's been SHIT. Good because it's been a learning experience. But not one I would want again any time soon. To begin with, I arrived in a monsoon. Monday, my mountain bike was stolen from in front of the ROM. Today, I got the shit kicked out of me and a free psychoanalysis and deconvolution of my character all in one. And one of the minerals I am working on is driving me crazy and not playing nicely.

This morning, I had a one hour private lesson. Pad work and then sparring. Possibly one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in a while and has left me feeling a mixture of exhausted, sheepish, lost and emotionally crippled all at the same time. This coupled with the last weeks where I’ve simply been lost and depressed. And I can add sore everywhere and two broken toes to the mix as well.

I sparred with him for 5 rounds, and got hit many, many times over. Nervousness took over and I resorted to my normal bull in a china shop type rushing, which, duh, doesn’t work against a pro fighter, so I got hit harder. Anyway, 5 exhausting rounds later, I sat down in the ring and had a discussion with him, which started off with “you need to relax and be calm and not so angry” (déjà vu, right?) and ended with me now in this somewhat rattled state of being. Essentially, he did a psychoanalysis on me to guess at why I am the way I am in the ring – that I’m filled with anger and it comes out in the ring. Yes. I have huge amounts of anger built up in me from my past and it totally consumes me at times and puts me in a constant suicidal/murderous cycle internally. I just don’t talk about it, or let it out (except obviously in the ring).

I’ve just never had anyone sit down and deconvolute my personality like that before (except my shrink) and he was dead on. He asked if I have a problem with authority. Yes. He said he’s surprised that I have yet to knock anyone out. Me too. Anyway, it threw me for a loop, to have someone I’ve only trained with twice sit me down and give me the facts straight out. And be understanding, not demeaning, as he says he comes from an angry past as well, and has had to work through it, and that fighting was the only thing that actually got rid of that ball of internal anger. He was very positive about my technique, power, stamina and dedication. It’s the emotional issues I have to deal with before I can grow. And I know all this. But have never had it handed to me directly before. He did say that the best fighters are people like me, but who have learned to control that anger and put it to use in the ring, not have it work against me.

8 hours later, I look back at this and realize that now I'm also pissed off at the whole experience because I am convinced he went way too hard on me to begin with. I let him open on me, and it was fucking hard, not technical. But I digress. He's the instructor, I'm the paying student. So I'll let it go. Not entirely sure after 2 sessions a therapy session was called for, but I'm glad that he did (in a way, but in a way also feeling a bit affronted). But I have consumed both honey and maple syrup tonight in frustration, neither of which are good for my training diet, so I know I'm still feeling horrible.

Instead of staying for the remainder of the week, I am going home tomorrow, tail between my legs and wanting my own bed as I have not slept while here at all. I know I'm in a bad head space lately. I know I'm headed back down the depression path, which isn't good at all and I have to stop that sequence of events from happening right now. Ever since April, I've not felt right. The science fair was the tipping point - threw me for a loop and put me right off being a happy, normal person. Now, I have to return to work and I have some higher ups who are not happy with me for regressing, and have probably lost faith in me as well. I think I have some climbing to do up out of this well I've managed to get myself into. It's not a pretty well either, the slides are slick and there's a good chance the fall to the bottom is nearer than I believe.

Cutting - the journey continues

Cutting weight. Not something anyone should ever do. Losing weight faster than the normal healthy rate. Subsisting on a 1500-1600 calorie diet while working out 2-3 hours per day. It's not normal. It's not healthy, mentally or physically. But the next four weeks will consist of exactly this. And it makes me crazy!! It means I think about food constantly, hungry or not. It requires keeping exact track of whatever I might think of putting into my mouth. And it creates anxiety, decreases patience levels, causes your mood to swing psychotically, all in the name of making weight for a fight. Veggies and lean protein is what my diet consists of right now. Thankfully I have some low-carb protein bars that have a bit of chocolate flavor because in general, everything else is somewhat bland. Spices can only do so much when you aren't allowed oils or any fatty toppings.

4 weeks. That's how long this journey will take. I have fantasies of burgers and pizza. Although I know I shouldn't be eating that stuff anyway and probably won't after the fight. But the thought of fat and carbs runs through my head! 'Visions of sugarplums dance in my head'. It sounds familiar. I wonder what a sugar plum is anyway?

I wasn't going to cut. I had a complete freak out panic session the other night about making weight for the Iowa fights. 145 lbs puts me at 14% body fat, which is quite low. Way low in fact. But after a quite productive and supportive discussion with my kru, I feel ok about tolerating a month of hell to get down to that weight. I can do it. It's not going to be enjoyable, that's for sure, but I know I can do it. And if someone is supporting me, believing in me, then it's even better. At least I don't have to go it alone.

I went for a run at lunch today and discovered the pain of shin splints again. I'm hoping that it does not go as far as a stress fracture, as has happened in the past. That would be a real problem. So tonight after training, I will come home and ice my aching shins. One of them is seriously bruised as well, which is a bit of a problem. And the top of my left foot is horribly bruised after hitting someone's elbow during sparring last night. Yup, fight prep has begun - all the bruises are coming out and I'm starting to look like I've hit by a truck!

Remind me again why we do this to ourselves?

bonking

Today was the day of the bonk. Too few calories (or not enough of the good kind I think), too much training yesterday, and bam!! Hit the wall tonight at the gym. No power, no speed, no coordination, no positive attitude. Very bad. Just one of those days I guess. So I came home, replenished back to the calorie count I should be eating, and am hoping for the best tomorrow. I hate hitting the wall like that though. It's very unproductive. My plan tonight was to do Phase II and III classes, but that plan was thrown out the window after the first class. On top of it, we had to do punch pyramids with push-ups, and then 5-5-5, two rounds of it. What crap. My grandmother could kick harder than I was tonight!! Tomorrow's another day, hopefully with a better caloric intake. To top it off, my feet are falling apart - one broken toe (baby), two numb toes, and then one deep blister that exploded and has left my big toe in a mess. Hurts like hell, but should heal up pretty soon.

Training for a fight, prepping for a fight. It's brutal. Making weight, balancing nutrition with exercise output. It's difficult. It's as much mental as physical and requires both a huge committment and huge sacrifice, as well as the support of an entire gym. Everytime I step into the gym lately, my goal is to find someone to hold pads and train with me, someone who I know will push me hard and be able to give me what I need. That's not always easy either. Training for a fight is also quite a selfish endeavor, mentally and physically. It means I don't go out with friends to eat or drink, which has left me as somewhat of a hermit. Once the fights in Iowa are over, then I'll take a break for a bit. But I want to maintain the 145-150 lb weight, so will still have to watch what I eat.

I realize that watching my weight is something I'm always going to have to do. Eating and trying to lose weight for fights has taught me alot about my eating patterns!! I'm a stress eater, a bored eater, and when I am pms'ing all carbs in the house are fair game! I like eating. And it seems that when I actually do watch what I eat, I'm hungrier than ever! But I suspect that is more psychological than anything. I hate trying to make weight.

Fell off the wagon!

I totally fell off the diet wagon today. I have consumed approximately 3000 calories, which would be fine if I was training and not trying to lose weight, but since my ideal calorie count is 2000 cal per day, 1000 calories over is falling off the wagon!! Oh well. I think it has to do with PMS and carb-craving. I ate some jelly beans at work today, so counted those in my day's total, but when I got home, I was STARVING!!! Jelly beans just don't cut it for satisfaction. But they did satisfy the sweet/carb craving at the time! I came home and proceeded to eat cereal, some crackers with cream cheese, and a couple of dried fruit bars. Yup, total carb loading!! But the last couple of days have been really hard, training wise, and, along with hormones, I believe my body was trying to tell me something - mainly that I haven't been consuming enough calories to keep it running efficiently. Tomorrow's another day. Back on the wagon tomorrow. What killed me today was the weights I did at lunch. I haven't done weights in ages, but figured it would help give me some more strength and endurance. But wow, it took alot out of me! I've trained hard the last 5 days and I needed today as a day-off (partially). I didn't train this evening, but tomorrow is back on the wagon and back in the ring!

Today also officially marked my return to research. It was a difficult decision, one I did not take lightly, but today was the day to discuss this with my boss. All was well. The boss was very supportive, so the whole 1.5 hour discussion was not as painful as I figured it was going to be. I feel very bad actually, like I failed him and my employer in changing back to research, but it was not meant to be. I don't play the political/managerial game well enough. I don't enjoy it. Time to go back to my roots and my training. I'm thankful for the support either way though. Alot of people have gone to bat for me and I'm grateful for that.

lost

Not having anything pressing to do on a weekend is a new concept for me. Yes, most of the time I have taken Saturday evenings to relax, but the albatross of the science fair was always over my head. Today, for the first time in many months, I don't have anything work to worry about while I sit here. Yes, I have invoices to pay, cheques to write, invoices to send off, but really, nothing terribly pressing that cannot wait until Monday. Or Friday.

It has me concerned. I feel very lost.

So I will finish watching this movie (You've Got Mail), although I've seen it a dozen times, and then will go for a run. Provided my lungs don't give out! I spent most of the day at the Glebe Garage Sale, selling Tabitha Foundation crafts with Wendy, and recruiting house builders for next year's build. It was relaxing, being out in the sun and people-watching. After which I came home and washed the car, inside and out. Wow was it dirty! Now it's all shiny and somewhat clean, with new all-season tires and new linkages for my windshield washers. Now I can drive safely, rain or sun, but don't have any money to go anywhere!

TBA Open in 51 days

Assuming that this plague is going to leave me soon, I need to get back to training this week. My voice is not back yet, but I think by tomorrow evening I'll be able to handle a class at the gym. I have almost 2 months to prep for the TBA Muay Thai Open in Iowa. Can't wait!!!

My plan for training for the next two months is as follows:

Monday: 1/2 hour run in morning, 200 situps, Bike to work, MT class in evening + extra bag work
Tuesday: 1/2 hour run in the morning, 200 situps, MT class at lunch, stairs in the evening
Wednesday: 1/2 hour run in the morning, 200 situps, ride with WOW in evening
Thursday: 30 min skipping in the morning, bike to work, MT class in the evening
Friday: 1 hour run in the morning, Kali at 4pm, heavy bag work in the evening with sparring
Saturday: 1 hour Kali, 1 hour grappling, 1 hour heavy bag work
Sunday: 3 hour LSD bike ride

That maybe has to be edited as it seems a bit scattered. Time to talk to the coach!!

I've spent alot of the last 48 hours in bed, trying to catch up on sleep. And trying to get rid of this throat/chest/sinus infection. It's been brutal. Right now, I'm bored. I guess that comes from spending the last months insanely busy. The hedgehogs have nothing to think about except the emotional issues that occurred over the last week - thinking about human interactions and which ones are going to come back to haunt me in the next months.

Tomorrow I might take a run into work and finish time sheets and quarterly reports, paper work that I haven't even thought about in the last 2-3 months. Exciting, I tell you!

almost done, after 6 years of planning

It's late Thursday night, tour day, and tomorrow is the Awards Ceremony and Banquet. Canada-Wide Science Fair 2008 is almost over. Where did the time go? On one hand, it's been endless - no sleep, very long days, more glitches than I could ever care to type out. On the other hand, it's gone by faster than I could have possibly imagined and the days and evenings of laughter with close science fair friends is quickly nearing it's annual end.

I'm of mixed feelings right now. I need this to be over so I can go back to my job, training, my "normal" life. But I need this also to continue as it has been my life for 6 years, in good times and in bad. Finishing the week is going to leave a huge hole in me that I currently don't have anything to fill with. Tabitha Foundation maybe.

If I wanted to be completely fair and politically correct and such, I'd sit here and write about how all the participants are smiling and happy and loving the week. Which is completely true - everyone is having a blast! It's apparently been a great CWSF, but sitting on the inside, it's hard to see that. I trust the compliments I've received and I'm certain it's been fantastic!! That was what we had planned for all these years!! So I have no doubt it's been great.

And I promise to come back after this one and write a post about the other side of this week, the excellent participant side of things. But right now, I need to vent. And really, what is a blog not for but to vent?!

But the other side of this, the personal side, the blog side, is that this week, mentally, emotionally and physically, has been completely draining. From this side of the street, all we do is put out fires. Glitches, fuck-ups, confrontations, medical emergencies, bitchy people, whining, complaining, etc. It all takes it's toll. And right now, I'm starting to feel those effects. The first couple of days were just frantic and everyone was at each others' throats. I was beginning to feel like answering the phone with "Complaint department". One committee member at another, committee member against one of our other organizing bodies. It didn't matter. My patience was wearing very thin (what there is at the best of times!!). Yesterday, I had an experience with someone who I consider a very good friend, but who I honestly wasn't going to be able to stand talking to anymore this week due to endless bitching about someone else. I'm upset about it, because it forced me to say something to someone else, and I feel like it will take result in problems in our relationship. But on the other hand, this week, I don't need to hear senseless bitching. Luckily, I got some good advice from other friends so I feel better today.

But the one thing that this experience has taught me is that the most difficult part of such undertakings is the interpersonal relationships. The logistics are easy. The work is easy. People are not easy. I know I'm not easy to work with and even less so when I have only slept for 3 hours or less the night before! But I'm discovering that it's not just me.

The network of complex relationships that we have built and nurtured within this group is mindblowing. I'm not sure I would know where to start in deconvoluting the complex algorithms that govern this organization that we call the Canada-Wide Science Fair. And that goes for all groups within the organization, not just the Host Committee for the year. Whether constant or variable, the players within this organization are possibly the most complex I have ever run into. I feel comfortable with someone one day, uncomfortable with them the next. Opinions and alliances change, if not daily, at least on a yearly basis, at times. Others are set in stone, never to change, no matter how positive the direction of change may be.

I'm trying to maintain a positive relationship, whether personal or professional, with other working groups other than our own Host Committee. I see a huge benefit in supporting the organizations that help to make the Fair happen every year. Yes, we've worked for 6 years planning this event, but we need to leave a legacy of convivial working relationships for other years to imitate. Granted, my own biases come into play here, as in every other case. In some cases, I don't mind rocking the boat. In others, I do, and will do my best to maintain a good relationship. Right now, I'm in that position - I'm trying my best to help a group get through this week and will do anything under my power to ensure that they are looked upon favorably by every other person here. I set this as a personal goal right from the beginning of this undertaking. At every fucking turn, I run into a wall. I run into people who seem determined to see the organization fall on its ass. And I think tonight, I'm just tired of it. Maybe because I feel right now that maybe that organization isn't appreciating, or isn't aware of, the work that is being done to bolster their reputation.

Tonight, I feel like maybe the effort isn't worth it. But that's the negative snark coming out to play, and I really don't mean that. Tonight I'm taking everything way too personally.

On a good note, I took 25 people over to Maru Korean and Sushi Restaurant for supper tonight. Host Committee and some of our long time friends. Merging two worlds, the reservation for the restaurant was actually made by another friend, who took the initiative to talk to the restaurant owner on my behalf, without me asking. I just thought it was such a nice, generous gesture and it made my evening. I stopped by to thank him and offer to buy supper and a beer, but had to settle for a raincheck. But it was just one of those moments that put a little smile on my face in a day that has been a bit cloudy (ignoring the 25 deg weather and no clouds in the sky). Being here on campus for the week, the other side of my life has been neglected. So even 10 minutes talking to and laughing with a non-science fair friend was a bit of a pick-me-up for the evening. Which is actually strange as I was headed over for supper with 20 other friends. I just needed that little break I guess.

I just checked the TBA Sanctioning website and discovered that a 3rd girl has been added to my weight division for the Iowa fights. Interesting. But the first girl has not paid her registration fee, so she may be dropped. I'd prefer to have a couple more girls in that division to make the run for the belt an actual hard fought battle. I want that belt. But I want to earn it the hard way.

6 years in the making

Yesterday marked the true beginning of the 2008 Canada-Wide Science Fair. The exhibit hall was set up, flags hung for the provinces, countries, and the divisions. Banners outside on campus are hung. The judges padfolios are being organized and stuffed. Floor layouts being completed and drawn up in CAD. Rooms in residence assigned. In the evening, we stuffed 800 backpacks full of items provided by sponsors - pins, water bottles, pamphlets, squishy things, etc. For the first time, I felt like we were really getting underway - after 6 years of planning, the 2008 Canada-Wide Science Fair is actually going to happen! It's hard to believe actually.

About a week ago, I received an email from the Chair of the 1992 Host Committee, someone I haven't talked to in roughly 15 years. He was also one of my highschool science teachers, for a number of courses. I was a little shocked to hear from him, but it also made me think back to my roots and beginnings with this organization - 1990 with the Sudbury Chapter of the Young Scientists of Canada. We were formed for the sole reason of helping out the 1992 Host Committee. Seems so long ago. And during the 1992 Fair, we were very sheltered from the actual runnings of the Fair. I understand so much more now, in hindsight and with a bit more personal experience!! 1992 was a great Fair. The people I met during those years with the YSC and the Sudbury science fair crowd are my foundation, my true roots. Those experiences have allowed me to help to bring the 2008 CWSF to Ottawa. I miss the Sudbury gang at times - they were in essence my extended family. Especially important as for me, highschool was not a fun time at home. So I'm happy to hear from that family now, congratulating me on the Fair we are on the edge of commencing right now. 16 years later, from YSC helping out the Host Committee, to the Co-Chair of my own Host Committee. Quite the step!! But now I have additions to that extended science fair family. There are members of my committee, and members of other Host Committees, YSF, NSFC, etc, who I love dearly and consider family as well. One big geeky, somewhat dysfunctional family!!! It's great!!

This morning and afternoon, we have been dealing with set-up in the exhibit hall. The pipe-and-drape is done, the tables are up. But we're 30 project spaces short!! Not for long. The additional tables are being set up as I type. However, we do have a carpet issue, which I sure hope is being solved as well! At this point in time, we're rolling with the punches. The hard work is behind us - the last month especially. Now, the details are what are important. Taping down all the edges of the flooring so no one trips, so to speak. Tonight, I have to go home, clean so that my house/dogsitter can come and stay, and pack so that I can move into residence tomorrow. We receive our first participants tomorrow - all our own gang - YSF, NSFC, the Truro boys, etc. It'll be so good to see them all. And know that they are a major support network for myself and my committee during the week that is to come.

6 days and counting

I'm watching "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". For about the 10th time! I decided that a little light movie watching was in order tonight. Trying to stop the gerbils in my head and just relax, rather than stressing out and questioning the day's events. Also, it never hurts to sit and watch Alan Rickman on the screen! I love Snape. :) I don't think I'll be able to finish this movie through to the end - I think sleep is going to come before that.

Although I'm in a bit of an "eat everything" mood as well, most likely pms'ing, so watching a movie is not necessarily a good thing. But I did go for a 10 km run this evening. However, that simply negates the butter tarts I ate this afternoon!

The gerbils are running ragged tonight. I didn't get enough of a workout in at the gym this morning/evening. Not enough rolling to burn off excess energy. The run helped though. I will have to schedule runs each day during the Fair in order to survive. Or at least go to the gym and punch something for a while.

Countdown to CWSF 2008

7 days til CWSF 2008. 7 days left after 6 years of planning. It's hard to imagine that is possible, but there it is!

The last weeks have been a complete roller coaster emotionally. Chairing a committee of volunteers is a challenge and with everyone feeling the stress and strain of the final planning stages, it's been an even bigger challenge. There are a few people that I will not want to see for a while after the Fair! Two days ago, an email from one of them just put me over the world and made me put my fist through my laptop. Luckily, I had money left in my UofO account so could go and buy a new one. Also, my old one was in the middle of its death throes at the time, so losing it was not a great disappointment. However, being in the midst of hell and needing a computer meant I had to run to the bookstore and buy one right away. Nothing like a vicious temper coupled with major stress to push you to the limit.

Getting closer to the Fair has been a bit of a challenge from a healthy eating/drinking point of view as well. I don't want to drink as beer just makes me want to drink and eat more, and will ruin my plans for getting down to 145 lbs for the Iowa fights. And it makes me feel like shit as well. Thursday evening, we had a committee social. I had a beer and some food, stayed for a bit, then came home as I had a body composition test in the morning and needed sleep. I took alot of flack for that from some of my committee members who are used to me drinking excessively and being open to staying out late partying. Two of them actually showed up at my door that evening, wanting me to go out with them! It's difficult to make them understand that this isn't just about the time now prior to the Fair. It's about a lifestyle change, a committment to myself, to my coach, to be in top shape for my own life and for training and fighting. But it's meant taking alot of shit from a few people!!!

Part of me is very happy that the Fair is almost over. Part of me can't wait for it to happen and get under way and let the fun begin. 6 years of planning is a long time! It's been a huge part of my life and I'm not sure what's going to happen when it's over. Not sure what I'm going to do with my time!! Right now, everything is under control and we're ready to roll. Only small details are left and being dealt with. But those details are what are so important in having the Fair go from just good to amazing.

I'm still going to be happy when we get underway though. The planning right now is just about killing me. If I wasn't going to the gym or running regularly, I'd be a basket case.