weekend of change commences

Watching "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" and thinking about the last few days. I haven't slept (heat, stress) and getting more and more on edge, losing patience. Why? I think I realized why tonight. This weekend, the gym moves to a new location. In itself, not a bad thing - a new, larger space is good. But the reality of the situation is that moving to a new location means leaving the old one. It means that the transition is complete. And it's that part of this move that depresses me. That makes me unhappy and a bit depressed and on edge. It means closing one chapter in my life and starting another which I'm not sure how it will end. It hasn't been too bad with the location staying the same - Kruu is still there somehow, even if he's only around a couple days a week. But at a new location, it's a clean slate. And I'm not sure I like that.

So it's going to be a rough weekend emotion-wise. Definitely conflicting emotions. I moved my gear out of the change room today, for the first time in 3 years. Felt strange. I guess I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I spent a few hours training tonight, hands only to save my leg. Last real training session at a gym which has been my life, my home, for the last 3 years.

Funny, I see Bob all the time, socially. I have no hesitations showing up on his doorstep. But I only see Kruu once a week. It's not the same. I enjoy our growing friendship, I really do. But I do miss the teaching, the mentorship, the guidance, knowing that someone is watching over my training, wanting me to get better. It's strange feeling so divided. I guess it can be either one or the other, not both, eh? Doesn't mean I have to like it.

A return to my roots

Sometimes, the cure for what ails you is simple - go see a good friend. Wednesday, I drove to Scarborough to see A, have dinner with him and listen to his talk. The result - feeling much better. It's amazing how seeing one person can ground you, bring you back to your roots and make you realize what's important in life. Listening to A give his lecture, I sat there alternatively grinning and fighting back tears. Why? Because he hasn't changed. Regardless of how much admin stuff he's doing, higher level positions, etc, he's the same - engaging, energetic, passionate. He taught me about mineralogy, taught me to love the subject and taught me all I needed to know about doing research. And then some. Taught me about life in general. I could go on and on here, but it would be impossible for me to fully describe how I feel. The main point here is that being reminded of where you come from is a good thing. Reminded of who you really are by someone who means so much. It was just what the doctor ordered. A, you'll never know how much you mean to me, but I'm so happy you are a part of my life, and have been for 15 years.

Friday night, I got a call from one of the Truro boys, Steve, tearing a strip off me for not being in Winnipeg at CWSF. I made the choice not to go because of work, Rebel, and simply being completely traumatized by our own CWSF. It's taken me until now to recouperate from our Fair. It was stressful, and it took more out of me than I'll ever admit. But hearing Steve on the other end of the phone, it hit me how much I miss this group. How much I love them all. They are my life, represent a part of me which is good and, again, my roots. It is who I am. So between Steve and Andy this week, I feel a bit more whole than I did a week ago. I quickly booked a ticket to Winnipeg for Thursday and will spend the last portion of the week at the Fair, where I should be. At home with my friends.

When it rains...

It pours. And pours. And pours some more.

Here I figured that 2009 couldn't be any worse than the end of 2008. Nope. Boy, was I wrong! Not that it's been 'worse', but it's not been better. I think it's time to reconsider sheep farming in Scotland or some such activity. Work, relationships, Tabitha, Rebel, training. You name it. All a bit of a write-off. So, now what? I'm not sure. Can't get worse really.

So my decision for the immediate future? I'm driving to Scarborough tomorrow to attend Andy's talk at the Scarborough Mineral Club. Why? Because he's the one person who can always make me laugh, no matter what. He's always there for me, he makes me feel loved and happy. And I haven't seen him in ages. So screw it, I'm driving down. I'll also collect some samples from Bill's along the way, but I get to spend part of an evening with Andy, and that makes me happy. Because here, really, I have no urge to see anyone. I'm entering into hermit mode, and that's not a very good space to live in because it means I'm avoiding everyone rather than dealing with issues. But avoidance is better than snapping at people and getting angry and frustrated. Luckily, all my meetings originally scheduled for tomorrow were cancelled, and the bone scan I was supposed to have on Thursday has been rescheduled, so I have two free days that I can do this. I got alot accomplished in the last 2 days so this will be good. Andy and I have some research to discuss as well.

I would love to know what the hell is going on with me lately. Partly I'm hurting - my leg is killing me. And I'm developing this strange bunion-type thing on my right foot. A colleague of mine at work has something similar and it's apparently bad arthritis and only cureable by surgery. It looks and feels similar. What the hell?? Is my body rejecting me or something?

So physically I'm in pain. I'm having issues with a number of people and I'm unsure how to deal with them. Rochester was a complete nightmare and brought up more issues. The one person here who I usually can talk to about anything, I'm unsure of right now. I kind of emotionally purged to him in Rochester, and feel a bit bad about it as I haven't done that in ages. Partially I was feeling really close to him earlier on, and wanted to express that to him. It's hard with him - I want to hug him, somehow show him how much he means to me, but I feel afraid to do so, that he's going to reject that affection. I think that's partially the problem right now - there are a few people I want to show that to, but I have this serious fear of hugging people, male friends in particular. Some guys - no problem. I don't hesitate. But the ones I really care about? Scared shitless. Why is that? It feels horrible to not be able to express your love for someone.

Bad day all around.

That's it. Today was just one of those days where EVERYTHING set me off.

1. My orthotics are causing problems. Brand new orthotics. But I was stupid and went with the pressure-plate method rather than a 3D foot mold. Big mistake. Note to everyone who is out looking to get orthotics: GO THE MOLD ROUTE! Don't be coerced into getting the fancy computer version done. They have caused me more pain than I could have possibly imagined. Not at all happy.

2. A stupid cab driver cut me off today on Laurier, in the midst of the most hellish traffic, a result of bloody Tamil protesters on the Hill who are taking over all of Wellington Street and resulting in a complete re-routing of all traffic and buses. The downtown core is a mess and getting anywhere is impossible. For fuck's sake people!!! It's a problem in your own country - let them solve it! What the FUCK do you think the Canadian government can do?!! Nothing! Get over it. Get the fuck off the Hill and go do something productive somewhere else.

3. I come home tonight and Rebel has peed on the floor. Again. He did this yesterday. I'm not sure why, but it completely pissed me off (pun not intended).

4. And lastly the worst of all... My right shin is killing me. Absolutely throbbing all the time. It's fractured, I know it is. It's always sore. But I have to train. Because I have to fight in Iowa in June. Could I drop out? Yes. Will I? No. Because I'm not a quitter. Because my Kruu hasn't said "maybe it's best that you pull your name off the fight card". So I continue to train, as stupid as that is. And suffer. Because I'm not a quitter and I'm not a wimp. Maybe others realize that this is the case, but I don't. I feel if I pull off the card, I'm completely wussing out and failing to achieve a goal. Failing to train properly and be a good athlete and fighter. Failure in being able to control my progress and be smart. Failure to my gym and Kruu. A quitter and a failure does not seem like a good thing to be.

April changes

It's very strange. I have so many thoughts in my mind, but can't seem to put them down into a blog post. I have been writing in my personal journal, for my eyes only, but here, I can't seem to decide what to write. Mainly because my thoughts are revolving around a number of specific people, and I don't want to have personal details put on here, for good or bad. The good, I just feel way too emotionally-overwhelmed and would wind up making myself and readers more confused than before. The other, is a work-personal issue which has a number of different problems, but is ultimately stressing me out.

Other than Rebel, the biggest change in the last couple of weeks is that Kruu is selling the gym to take another full-time job. It's a huge source of mixed feelings, both good and bad.

If I simply look at it from the point of view of it being my gym, my training centre, then my biggest issue is that I'm losing my Kruu. I'm losing my mentor, my teacher, my trainer, my coach. He'll still be around a bit, but not in the same way, not every day like he used to be. It's hard to accept. I haven't learned near enough from him. I have so much more to learn about Asian culture and martial arts. All the instructors are still there, and therefore the quality of the instruction will not deviate (I hope), but not having him there as an anchor, as the main source of integrity, respect, the boss, it's going to be difficult. It has been. I go in, I train, and then I go home. I don't hang around as much. I have a focus - Iowa at the beginning of June. That's my priority and right now, everything else is being ignored, training-wise. I'm there every day with a purpose. To that end, I've hired Dave to train me 3 x per week. Best move I could have made as he is pushing me hard and will have me in shape for the tournament. Hopefully more confident than I was last year.

If I look at this change from a friend point of view, I'm having a very difficult time with it. For almost 3 years, that place has been my 2nd home. At times, my first home. I always knew I could go there and feel safe and have a laugh or a cry and be okay. Always knew I could come in and have some fun, poke some fun, have a laugh or have a serious discussion and look for support. It didn't matter. It's not the same now.

See? This is why I haven't posted about this. Because nothing, absolutely nothing I put down here can fully express how I'm feeling. It's impossible. I struggle with how I'm feeling. I am happy and proud of him though. I have to keep that in mind when I start feeling like breaking down in tears and sad and a bit lost.

Winds of change

The last week or so has been one of change. I knew that 2009 was going to bring about change. I knew it couldn't be worse than 2008 ended! And it's true - change is happening, and it's okay. I've embraced it. I'm learning to accept that change, that horrid word that most of us shrink away from, is nothing but a chance to grow and mature and challenge one's self. But it can hurt, it can be hard, and it can bring about mixed emotions. The last 2 weeks or so have taught me, more importantly than anything, how important good friends are in your life. I'm a very lucky person. I have a small group of good friends who I would do anything for and who, as the days go on, I come to appreciate and love more and more. It's a small group, but that's ok. One of those group told me that my problem is that I have too many people who consider me a friend. Maybe. Maybe I have alot of acquaintances. But true friends? No. Those people who I will fully open up to emotionally? No. Those who I trust fully? No. That's a very select bunch. It's an introvert characteristic.

Tomorrow I drive down to Toronto to get Rebel - yeah!!! I'm so excited to bring him home. It's been a long wait. Apparently he's doing amazing traveling up through the USA and is settling down and really enjoying myself. Last night, I had a bit of a breakdown, a full-out crying, sobbing 2 hours or so, when it simply hit me that Abbey is gone. It's been 3 months. And the wound hasn't healed fully. In fact, last night, it was ripped wide open again. It hurts so much. Such mixed emotions - excited and happy and giddy about Rebel. Sad, heartbroken and so lost about Abbey.

Food, again.

When did food go from being nutrients and the centre of social activity to being a source of frustration and annoyance and grief? In my teens and 20's, I never stopped to think about what I put into my mouth, whether solid or liquid. In my 20's, especially during my undergrad and graduate school, I drank like a fish most weeks, never considering that each pint was 300 calories of useless carbs which would be converted directly into sugar and subsequently fat. 5 pints in an evening was nothing, followed by a 2am poutine run. Never considered the thousands of calories that totalled up to. Going out with friends, I never stopped to think about how few calories to consume during the earlier part of the day to have sufficient calories left for an outing.

Skip ahead to being mid-30, and concerned about weight, counting every single calorie I put into my mouth, obsessed about making weight for fights. It's a whole different world. Tonight, I'm going for Pho with a friend. Not a big deal - noodle soup with mystery meat. But along with Pho generally comes spring rolls. Deep fried spring rolls. Deep fried, fat-laden, hot, crunchy goodness. But calorie-packed. 2 spring rolls is likely a full meal's worth of calories. Not a good thing. So I stay away from the spring rolls. And the accompanying Vietnamese coffee which contains sweetened condensed milk (at 120 calories per tablespoon). It's crazy, right? When did eating become so complicated? Requiring either a spreadsheet or an online calorie calculator? It's insane, it truly is.

On another note, I'm checking out a motorcycle tonight. I saw it, and priced it, on Sunday, but tonight is the more thorough check, and to look at financing. Woo hoo!! It's a small bike, a Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Red. :) I talked with my insurance broker this morning, and much to my surprise, I won't have to sign over my 1st born for insurance. That was going to be the limiting factor. So far, so good! Andre is coming with me tonight to give the bike a once-over. Then, I have to sit down and decide if i really want to do this. It's exciting!! I would still need to do my beginner's course, and pass the licensing tests, but I don't think that's too difficult.

Back in the land of snow

I got home from Thailand on Sunday and spent the week recovering from jet-lag and getting settled back in at work. I think my jetlag is finally gone, and I'm feeling pretty good actually. It's kind of nice to be home. I feel more relaxed than when I left and have been productive all week, both at work and with respect to getting back to a good dieting and training schedule. Even having trained in Ban Rai and a bit on Koh Phangan, I'm way too out of shape for my liking. It really sucks actually. Bob asked me today if I had registered for the Iowa tournament yet. Nope. For one, I haven't 100% decided I want to fight in it. Secondly, I'm not sure at which weight I want to register. Last year I registered in the welterweight class (135-145) and it almost killed me to get down to that weight. Too much stress. Bob suggested the super welterweight, 145-155. I could do that, but last year there weren't many girls fighting in that class. Except for the one with pink hair. So I dunno. It would be the smarter move, so that I don't have to kill myself to make weight. Right now, I'm sitting at a hefty 175. Yuck. So 20 lbs. And then go from there for the rest of the summer. I would really, really like to stay around 150. I hate this weight game. But I really hate weighing as much as I do right now. Especially when I know how good I feel at 155 lbs or so.

So it's back to training. And dieting. And training. Although my heels are still giving me problems so I hope that doesn't get worse. It will, I know it will. Especially with hard training. Hitting the banana bag seems to be the worst thing for them. Hitting pads is okay. So class should be fine. Hopefully. I did Kali and rolled a bit today, just to get back into the swing of things. I figure if I can go back to CSW as well, that will help with my strength and stamina. I feel SO weak right now. I hate it.

The only farang in the village

If you watch "Little Britain" at all, you'll understand the above title. If not, go and watch "Little Britain" - it's classic!!

I'm in Ban Rai, Uthai Thani province, which is about 3 hours northwest of Bangkok, verging on the Burma border. It's at a bit of an elevation, so very dry and stupidly, sweltering hot during the day. Mornings are cool and I need a wind breaker driving the motorbike to the gym at 6:30am. But by the time the sun rises, it begins to heat up very quickly. Mid-day, 3pm, is unbearable.

I've been training in the mornings, first going for a 30 min run, and then hitting pads for an hour. Not too heavy, but after not training seriously for the last months, all I really want to do is gain back some strength and stamina. Technique hasn't left me, just the ability to go for hours! My foot is holding up somewhat well - it's a bit sore today after yesterday's run, pads, and then a trek in the jungle to Tham Phu Wai (Phu Wai cave) so took it easy this morning and will go for a massage later this afternoon, with some sparring later in the evening.

Training with other instructors/fighters is always a learning experience for me. For one, it allows me to learn new styles, new techniques, and not get caught doing the same exact things over and over. The other thing I find it does is increase my loyalty and appreciation and respect for my own gym and Kru. I have discovered that my standards are pretty high, which I believe to be a good thing. Doesn't mean I'm not smart enough to learn from someone new though. Grin!! I've learned a few combinations and techniques this week that will come in handy back home.

On Tuesday, I helped Kin teach young kids (ages 4-12) Muay Thai in a sort of after-school program that he has going on. It was great fun!! Young girls, 5 and 6 years old, doing spinning elbows! Some of them are naturals and should really be encouraged to train more.

Yesterday, one of Kin's friends took me to Tham Phu Wai (Phu Wai cave) which is located near the idyllic Wat Tham Khao Wong. The cave is a huge karst system, but it appears to be somewhat dry. The nice thing is that it hasn't been "tourist-i-fied" and all lit up or disrupted. It has a few signs simply pointing the way through the main cave, but otherwise it has been left alone. There are a few stalagtites in formation that they have, wisely, roped off. I saw a plethora of bats, as well as 2 large snacks (cave pythons?) and this huge, wicked-looking spider/scorpion thing that had massive pincers that I'm glad was 2 feet above my head!! It was a fun trip. I wish I spoke Thai, or that my guides and Kin's friends spoke English. It's a bit hard to be in a place where I cannot communicate at all except by pointing and grinning.

I'm looking forward to getting back to BKK and heading south to the beach. I might head to Ao Phang-Nga and meet up with B&W, but that's yet to be decided. I need some beach time actually. I've enjoyed being here, but I feel a bit watched over and need to be on a bit more of an independent schedule. Kin's been very hospitable and a great tour guide though. I leave for BKK on Saturday, then take the overnight train to Surat Thani. From there, either to Koh Phangan or the Ao Phang-Nga, we'll see!!! Actually, it all depends on how my foot feels. I want to train, to get back into shape, but also want to make sure my foot is fine for training at home.

One night in Bangkok... and now up to Uthai Thani

Following the zoo episode in Phnom Penh, my day continued to prove interesting! My tuk-tuk driver, Buntho, offered to take me to the Bokator fights at the RCAF stadium. Having watched a few fights on one of the tv channels, I knew that it wasn't going to be Lumphini, but it could be fun! Although I sat napping in my hotel room for a while, contemplating whether I really wanted to go with him. In the end, I decided what the hell, and met him outside at the pre-arranged time. He had his motorcycle, not the tuk-tuk, and off we went!!

The fights had started earlier than when we arrived, so I only got to see 3 fights (fight night sponsored by Carabao too!), but they were scrapey, hard-fought, very ugly fights! Little technique, simply swinging for the fences and looking to murder the other person! Very rough. The stadium was essentially a gym with a ring and a live band and the tv crew filming for Channel 5.

After the fights, we were headed back downtown and Buntho suggested that we go for some food. Sure, why not. So, my evening out turned into a date!! Go figure - I have to go all the way to Cambodia to meet a nice, cute single guy who will go to fights and then out for dinner and live music all in one night!!

We went to this strange Khmer supper club with a stage and Khmer music where, Buntho said, all the rich people come to. We ordered deer (which turned out to be more of a jerky than fresh meat, and tasted a bit funny), and then crocodile (which was really good!) and drank beer and watched the show. Entertaining to say the least. Although I kept having to fend off Buntho's advances and offers to come back to my hotel room with me that evening! He told me about his family, his job, life in Phnom Penh, and about his marathon races - he runs a fast marathon, 3 hours! By 9pm though, after a full day in the sun and on the back of the motorcycle, I was ready to crash and asked to be taken home (without him!! my god this boy was persistent!). We did exchange email addresses though, so maybe next year I'll see him again.

Yesterday, I had a morning and most of the afternoon to kill before heading out to the airport. I went for breakfast, and then walked down to the Citadel knife shop and purchased a medium sized folder with a carbon steel blade and a buffalo horn handle. I had been looking at it earlier in the trip, so decided it would make a good souvenir. I got booted out of my hotel room around 11:30am, so had lunch in the hotel pub, then grabbed a tuk-tuk to the airport. The Phnom Penh airport is so small! There are only a few windows to check in, so it's done by flight. Once I checked in, I did a bit of airport shopping, got a book and some post-cards, and then chilled before my flight.

I must admit it's nice being back in Bangkok. I like Cambodia, but there's just something about it that makes me a bit nervous. Coming back to Bangkok felt like a relief in some ways. I dropped my gear off at the SamSenSam hotel, my new home-away-from-home in BKK, and then wandered down to Khao San for some food. I'm currently waiting out the time before grabbing a mini-bus to Ban Rai to go to my first week of training. And editing the Tabitha newsletter article. Can't wait! Although I say that with trepidation because (1) my stomach is gurgling, and (2) my foot is a bit sore!! Could be interesting. Wish me luck!

Tabitha Housebuilding 2009 now complete!

As of yesterday, my vacation officially starts. The hard work is over and it's time to head back to Thailand and hit the beach!!

On Sunday, February 1st, our team of 13 builders headed up to Battambang (4-6 hours north of Phnom Penh, depending on obstructions along the way - chickens, ponys, oxen, cows, motorcycles, wedding party processions, trucks, you name it). With a toilet stop and lunch break, it took us 6 hours to reach Battambang, roughly halfway between Phnom Penh and Siam Reap. Why anyone would venture to Battambang, we have yet to figure out. There's really nothing touristy in town except the bamboo railway, but we saw a number of farang kicking around the streets. It's a far stretch from Phnom Penh - many people we met did not speak English. Our team, along with Srei and her staff, were staying at the Khmera Battambang hotel, about 3.5 kms away from downtown. A bit wacked from the drive up, most of the team split up the first evening and went their separate ways to forage for food. I made the trek into town and wandered around, eventually running into Derek so we went to what I can only describe as a Khmer supper club (complete with cheesy music and large open space for parties and dances - anyone from Ottawa who knows about Villa Lucia - think of the Khmer equivalent). We ordered a few dishes with difficulty - 2 of us with no Khmer, 4 waitresses with no English. I *think* we had chicken, duck and beef, but that's yet to be confirmed. We could as easily have eaten cat, pigeon and rat. Amazingly, we didn't get sick (although Derek was later sick but we think from some street pastries that he ate along the way).

I'll come back and give a more lengthy summary later, but the stats are as follows:

Day 1 - 9 houses
Day 2 - 7 houses
Day 3 (morning) - 3 houses
Total: 20 in 2.5 days with 13 people, 4 contractors and 3 Tabitha staff

Not bad! We had 4 contractors with us and really no dead weight in builders, so the construction went really fast. Only one injury, and only a few sick people - Bob was out for the first 1.5 days, Derek on Day 2, and Terry Jr. and his daughter on Day 3. All with GI issues of some sort. I managed to escape unscathed, although I was feeling a bit woozy on Day 2 in the afternoon, but I suspect more from heat stroke than anything. There was something cathartic in doing manual labour after the hell of the last couple of months, so I put alot of energy into pounding nails and just working hard. Call it stress management and hammer therapy. It was a rewarding few days - 20 houses will now house 138 people. That's incredible when you think of it. To see what these families were living in before, they are moving into luxury, a building by our standards would not even qualify as a shed. But it's a huge step up for them.

Our evenings were spent somewhat quietly - most people tired from the day of work. On Tuesday, since 7 of our team was headed to Siam Reap the next afternoon following the build, we had a group dinner at the Smoking Pot, a Thai-Khmer restaurant downtown. Supper for 16 people came to $65!!! The food was pretty good too (in general, food in cambodia is somewhat disappointing when compared to Thailand). Wednesday after the build, only TBA people were left, so we had a lazy afternoon and then wandered down to the Market and out for supper, followed by ice cream. We left in the van the next day to come back to Phnom Penh. I discovered, the hard way, what happens when you fall asleep on a van bench seat in the fetal position and the van stops suddenly. I wasn't amused at being rudely awakened, but those with me were!!

Back in Phnom Penh, we had an appointment with Janne that evening at the Billabong, to discuss the build, plan next year's, and also to plan out what we want to do in June when she visits. It was a great evening actually - I really like Janne, who is a no bullshit type of person, and I greatly admire the work she does. She was telling us some stories of a Canadian orphanage in Phnom Penh 10 years ago where the children were being subjected to orgies and sexual abuse regularly. It was horrific to think that anyone could be capable of such horrors, especially with kids less than 6 years old. You could travel here and never really see the true side of Cambodia, but when you kick away that thin veneer, the reality of this country is sometimes very scary and startling.

Last night was our last night as a team, although it was really only Bob, Wendy, Nate and I left. Everyone else was gone their separate ways already. Personally, I found it hard to say 'see ya later' when I left to go back to my own hotel. After 1.5 weeks of being with the group, heading out alone is both good and bad. I found it a bit difficult to socialize with the larger group, especially with those that I didn't know well, but it was somewhat of a comfort to be around close friends for the first week.

Today, I slept in until 7am, and then went over to the Tabitha office to pick up silk samplers from Janne, and discuss a bit further our event in Ottawa in June. I hooked up with a good tuk-tuk driver in the morning, and decided to go to the Phnom Tamao Zoo. My driver decided that 40 kms in a tuk-tuk was a bad idea, so he suggested that we go to his house, get his motorbike and he would take me on that. Sure!! Why not! In hindsight, may have been a stupid idea had anything happened, but it was alot of fun. He turned out to be a very nice guy (I have no idea how to spell his name!), 30 years old, with god parents in Regina. And he kinda took a shine to me and decided that since we were both single, we should get together! Which made the trip a bit unnerving as I kept having to figure out how to deflect his advances (he really was sweet!), but fun. The drive out to the zoo was loooonnnnggggg, especially on the back of a bike and not driving. Once there, I was accosted by youth who wanted to tour me around. The zoo is also a wildlife refuge and home to all sorts of endangered species. It was a great experience - monkeys and deer roaming free all around you, following you within the enclosures, and many large, wild-space enclosures with animals I have never seen live before. I saw my first Sun Bear - amazing creatures!! And so cute. And a couple of tigers, Asiatic black/brown bears, cranes, herons, crocodiles (lots in the Mekong apparently), mongoose, white squirrels, etc. It was well worth the hour-long ride out there and the return trip where my ass was killing me. Cost me a fortune in payment for the "guides" and the food they brought along to feed the animals, as well as my persistent tuk-tuk driver, but it was worth it.

Tomorrow afternoon I head back to Bangkok for one evening, and catch a mini-bus up to Uthai Thani on Sunday morning to go to Kin's Muay Thai camp. Amazingly, my foot hasn't given me too much problems, so I'm thinking that I can actually train! Maybe not push it, but at least give it a good shot. I'm looking forward to training, but even more looking forward to going down to koh Phangan the next week - beach time!!

More details to come...

Thailand/Cambodia 2009 - arrived!

Sitting at the SamSenSam Boutique Hotel in Bangkok after spending Day 1 touring around, tiring myself out so I sleep well tonight. That shouldn't be a problem given that I was up at 6:30am, went for a 40 min run, and then spent the day walking, walking, walking. My foot is KILLING me. Not a good thing I suspect. But I've been icing it and have managed to track down some more anti-inflammatories (gotta love BKK pharmacies!).

The flight over was vaguely uneventful. From Chicago to Tokyo I managed to score my 2 seats by myself - woo hoo! Which meant I could (somewhat) spread out and attempt to get some sleep. I got about 4 hours of sleep, and then spent the rest of the time in what I can only describe as a zombi state - that glazed over travel state which is neither really awake or asleep. In Tokyo, I enjoyed a large Yesubi beer and some dumplings, took a few melatonin and almost fell asleep in the departure lounge!! I got on the plane and I don't remember the take-off. I slept almost the entire way from Tokyo to Bangkok except the last hour. Woo hoo!! Getting into Bangkok after 6 hours of sleep, I was wide awake! I grabbed a taxi to the hotel, excited, tired, wired, and enjoying the smells of Bangkok - Asian cities have their own smell, whether it's the pollution coupled with incense or simply the hot, sticky air after being in a sterile plane for 24 hours. It feels like home. It smells like Kathmandu.

I managed to get some sleep last night - about 2 hours. I woke early and decided what better way to get rid of jetlag than to go for a run? Remember, I've been off training for the last while, trying to heal my foot! But I figured the warmth would help, so off I went, much to the surprise of the night watchman who, I think, thought I was insane to refuse coffee in order to go and sweat in the streets! I ran to the river, along some side streets, and into a park near the palace. There were Muay Thai students running in the same park, so I wasn't alone! There are 2 gyms near Khao San so I suspect the guys were from there. Thais are funny to watch run - they run on their toes. I try it, but it hurts like hell!!

After breakfast (chicken and rice and fruit - dragon fruit, rose apple, apple and bananas!!), including 2 cups of instant coffee, I gathered my pack and headed off. The streets are quiet at 9am in the morning, especially since it is Chinese New Year and alot of stores are closed. I had two goals for the day: (1) gloves and thai shorts, and (2) Bob's contact lenses. Goal #1 was met, goal #2 was a bust after 5 attempts as no one in town has negative prescriptions. I wound up walking down to the Amulet Market near the palace and wandering around it for a while, purusing the strangeness that is the amulet world. I hopped on an express boat south on the river and got off at the central station for the BTS. BTS to MRT and I landed at Lumphini. I should have checked in advance that tonight was a Lumphini fight night - nope. The stadium, and the gear stores, were closed. So, grab a taxi to Ratchadamnern stadium where all the stores were open!! Yeah!! 12 oz gloves, a pair of bright yellow shorts and wraps and we're good to go. Assuming my foot holds out!

Deciding it was time for lunch, I went around the corner from the stadium where a Chinese man beckoned me to come inside his restaurant. Sure! Why not! Plunk. Large Chang beer put in front of me and a suggestion from the owner - snake fish grilled over charcoal. Sounds good to me!! I'll upload a photo of this fish soon, but it was a good foot long! The entire fish, split open to reveal the white cooked flesh. Spoon on some (very) hot chilis and add some rice and it was awesome!! Plunk. Another beer appears in front of me (Paula's slightly giddy by this point in time but the owner is being really nice and friendly!!). It was an enjoyable lunch and well-deserved after the morning's running around.

I grabbed a taxi back to Khao San Road and wandered around the market, winding up in a massage shop for a much-needed foot massage. Why is it Thai masseures are always shocked at how tight my calves are?!! Man, she did a number on me! But I hope it helps and tomorrow feels better. Can't be worse than it is now!! I suspect I should go and get some NamNam at the pharmacy. I did find some more Voltarin which will take me through the next couple of weeks.

I'm back at the hotel now, deciding that being off my feet is a good thing for the time being!! I think I need to soak my feet in something cold. :)

I discovered mangosteens (milk fruit) today. I've never had mangosteen in it's natural state before. I bought 5 of them at the market after the stall lady showed me how to eat them! Break open the red-purple fruit and eat the white segments inside. They're great!!!

I'm debating on what to do for supper. I think it will be light - for one thing, I'm exhausted. For another, I'm exhausted!!!

Tomorrow, I'm not sure what the plan is. Something that doesn't include lots of walking, that's for sure. Possibly a run in the morning. We'll see how my foot is. Something low key me thinks.

Introducing...

Rebel, aka Nitro Iceman!


Rebel is a 3.5 year old, blue brindle male from B&J Racing Kennels in Jacksonville, Florida. He's 65 lbs (race weight) and a big goofy, silly bundle of energy!!

He's been off the track since June and in the last two weeks, I've been in contact with his owners and discussing his adoption. This weekend, he was fostered at one of Cathie's friend's place in order to be cat- and alone-tested. He passed!! He's interested in cats, but can be distracted and is therefore trainable to be cat-safe. Yeah!! Apparently he has two speeds - on and off! He's interested in EVERYTHING and very enthusiastic about life in general. He does zoomies like a fiend and will be quite the handful when he comes up here.
If all goes well, he will come up here towards the end of March, after Sandy Paws at the beginning of March. He'll be catching a ride with a couple from near Barrie.





It feels a bit strange to be adopting another dog. Alot of emotions are whirling around in my head, including pain and sorrow and heartache and happiness and joy and excitement. But I know the happiness and joy that Abbey brought me. I'm hoping that Rebel can bring me the same. They aren't the same dog, different in personality, shape, colour, size, etc. But I think Rebel is a good match.

I miss Abbey. I cried for him today again. I miss him so much.

Circle of Grey and "From Friend to Friend"

Up until yesterday, I thought I was holding together quite well emotionally. I was down to only one crying episode a day, usually spurred by a picture on my screensaver, or a posting on one of the greyhound forums. Yesterday, I went to the post office and picked up my Circle of Grey blanket. Circle of Grey is a forum for greyhound owners dealing with cancer in their dogs. It's a support network and it has been invaluable for me - people who understand, who have been through the hell of dealing with cancer in their dogs, who have dealt with diagnosis, treatment and ultimately having to let their dogs go to the bridge. The people on CofG, more than anyone else, can offer support and advice and comfort when the pain seems to be too much to bear. For me, they were a huge support.

They also offer a 'blanket brigade' service - members of the group make fleece blankets and send them out to ailing greyhounds and their owners. Yesterday, Abbey's blanket arrived. I brought it home, took it from the box and read the enclosed letter and card. That was it. I lost it. The wound which was starting to heal was ripped wide open again. I spent most of the day crying, for my loss, for his pain, for the friendship we shared, for the love we shared. It was too much. I have never, ever experienced this much pain for anyone, anything. Yesterday was the hardest day since the weekend before I put him to sleep.

I know that the pain will subside sooner or later, and all the good, happy memories will be left. Right now, the pain of loss is still front and centre.

I was sent the following poem by a lady on CofG. I read it late last night and it brought me to tears and continues to do so now.

"From Friend to Friend" by Karen Clouston

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.

But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.

The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.

Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.

So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.

And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

In Memory of Asta, Feb. 1997
(c) Karen Clouston

17 days til Thailand.

6 days into 2009 and so far, nothing terrible has happened. Yeah! I was in at work yesterday, which was both good and bad. It was excellent for getting my mind focused on something else, but it was bad because I really didn't feel like socializing. So coffee break and lunch were difficult. At one point in time, I had to listen to a colleague talk about his cats, and it was driving me crazy. Just had to get out.

Today was up and down. A friend suggested going for dumplings with another couple friend of ours. I had to simply be honest and say I couldn't handle that right now. I'm being a bit picky in who I hang out with right now. I can't be smothered, I don't want to hear the "oh I'm so sorry" comments. I just need to be left to my own thoughts, if I want to talk, I'll talk. But I don't want to be forced into it, or have to sit and be social and happy if I don't feel like it. It's selfish, I know. It's avoidance and protecting myself.

I'm in the process of possibly getting another greyhound. His name is Rebel (Nitro Iceman was his racing name). He's 65 lbs, a small boy, but apparently really goofy and playful. I saw him on the website and he caught my attention - he had the same look in his eyes that Abbey did when I first saw his photo. If love at first sight is possible with a dog, then it's happened twice. I can't replace Abbey, but I have to fill the hole in my life, in my heart.

Yesterday, a photo of him came up on my screen saver at work and I burst into tears. It keeps happening. I don't suspect that is going to stop any time soon. I feel really shitty. Not going up to Sudbury carries it's own guilt.

Minor melt down, but holding somewhat steady

So. Here I sit, back in Ottawa. This morning, I attempted to drive to Sudbury. "Attempted" being the operative word. After a somewhat sleepless night (thoughts of the hell on earth being in Sudbury would be - butting heads with brother, potential and likely blow out with aunt, not sleeping well, no puppy to take for walks to get out of the house), I was up early this morning, grabbed coffee and took off. Although the sky was bright blue, the roads from here to Renfrew were wet, but not slippery. From Renfrew westwards, the snow coverage increased. Increased snow coverage meant my anxiety level increased exponentially. By the time I got to Cobden, I was in the starting stages of a full on anxiety attack. Once again. I haven't had a panic attack in years and years. And knowing full well what happens during a panic attack, I pulled over into the gas station parking lot and had a melt down. This past week, the last 2 weeks, finally caught up with me and that was it - I couldn't handle it any longer. I sat there for a while and then called my mom and explained my situation. She was understanding, and had been worried about me driving that route while being somewhat emotionally fragile. I was going to Sudbury for her, not for anyone else. But I can't be of help if I'm not stable myself. And driving to Sudbury was going to land me in the looney bin. The return trip probably the same.

I grabbed a coffee, turned around and came home. I stopped by the gym (had sent emails explaining the situation as it was unfolding), had a bit of a laugh and managed to stop shaking. Now I'm home, baking chicken and trying to chill out and stay sane.

I'm a complete wreck. I'm standing on a ridge, with one side being depression and anxiety which I haven't seen in many years, and the other side is the new year, a fresh start, a sweeping away of the last couple of weeks. I keep leaning to the fresh start side, but unfortunately the dark side pulls hard at me. So far I'm resisting. I think only because I have a good support network here. If it wasn't for a few key people, I would have jumped to the dark side of this ridge a couple of days ago. There has to be a silver lining here somewhere.

My brother is not going to be happy that I didn't come north. Neither is my aunt. But really, both of them have more issues than me. Well, more unresolved issues anyway. There isn't much I can do there. There is no funeral or viewing or such. They are simply dealing with possessions and the will and other legal stuff.

It's said that bad things happen in three's, right? Okay, the three things have come and gone. That's it already. Knock it off. Let 2009 start right and fresh and happy.

Happy New Year 2009

Begone 2008, welcome 2009. Here's hoping that 2009 is much better than 2008, especially the end of it.

I spent yesterday at home, having some beers and watching a marathon of "Top Chef". Went to bed at 9:30pm.

This morning, my brother calls and tells me that my father died last night. I consider this as the end of 2008, the last piece of the dysfunctional puzzle.

The last 2 weeks I spent at home with Abbey, making sure he wasn't in pain, that he was comfortable and happy and knew he was loved. When I had to put him down, it was the worst day of my life. I've been crying ever since, miss him crazy and will always love him.

I knew my father was sick but have not made any moves to see him in the last 2.5 years. A few emails in the last month but nothing else. Not sure how I feel right now - relief tops the scale. I'm not sad. I won't spend hours in tears like I have for Abbey.

Part of me thinks this is wrong - to weep so hard for a dog but not for my father. The other part of me realizes that it's impossible to be sad for someone who did nothing but cause you pain.