New Year's Eve

On the eve of 2007.

Resolutions for 2007:

Training:
1. 7:30am bike on trainer every morning (30 min), 50 push-ups, 100 crunches
2. Muay Thai Monday, Tuesday (lunch/evening), Thursday (lunch), Saturday
3. Kali Friday
4. Run 3 times/week (once shin feels better and get new shoes)
5. Squash Thursday (women's league)

Weight loss:
1. Lose 30 lbs by May 1st, 2007 (8 lbs/month, 2 lbs/week)
2. Throw out all junk food in apartment
3. Keep track of food for nutrition consultant
4. 6 meals per day (3 + 3 full snacks)

Lifestyle:
1. Prepare to spend 6 weeks in Thailand (December-January)
2. Pay off all loans by June 1st, 2007

Back home in Ottawa!

Home again, home again. I am SOOOO glad to be home! I left Sudbury yesterday morning at 8am, picked up Luc in Sturgeon and sped the entire way to Ottawa. I was exhausted near Cobden, so let Luc drive and I caught a bit of sleep on the drive. We arrived in Ottawa around 2pm. YEAH!! In plenty of time to do a bit of organizing and head to Kali. Spent awhile after class talking to Sasha about gyms in Thailand - he's going in May so I'll be able to get a full account of a few places after that. :)

So, so SO nice to be home. I was at my whit's end in Sudbury. I was chatting with my sister-in-law tonight and she was relaying to me their experience meeting my father and his chippy for coffee yesterday. Wow, I am SO glad that I wasn't there! Sounds like he was completely blasting my mother, contradicting himself at all turns, and laying guilt in every direction but his own. And his whore of a girlfriend was adding her 2 cents worth and laying in guilt as well. I feel bad for my brother for having had to sit through that. Liana said the crap that was coming out of his mouth was incredible. Not ONCE have I ever heard that he's taken responsibility for his actions and apologized for the past. I wonder if his chippy is aware of all the crap that he has laid on everyone in the past? After hearing some of the bullshit that he was spewing and she was backing him up on, I am convinced that she is a she-wolf in sheep's clothing - just as evil and manipulative as he is. She was apparently pissed off (super mad) that my brother refused to go and visit them at their house and wanted some place neutral like a Timmy's. Oh, and the classic was "he doesn't have much time to live" from the chippy-whore. As if this isn't his fault!! The fat, chain-smoking lazy-ass manipulative cheating bastard!!

Anyway, I am extremely happy that I wasn't there. Although I think another therapy session might be needed as I have quite a bit of pent-up anger built up from the week while in Sudbury and after hearing all this shit. Or at least a lunch with Scotty. It's been a while since we've talked. This last semester hasn't been conducive to anything except a brief hello every so often. Crazy. That reminds me, I need to call Bob as well - he was going down to Connecticut but should be back now.

I spent the day cleaning my apartment (yes Andre, it's clean now!!), took the puppy out to play with Champ at the ballpark, and am just making coffee so that I can stay awake for the UFC 66 matches tonight. I'm going down to TJ Pagoda's where Sasha is bar-tending for the pay-per-view fights. Should be fun! Go Tito Go! Although I have a suspicion that Chuck Liddell will win.

home again tomorrow - Fucking awesome!!

Last night in Sudbury and I must say, I can't wait to get home. I'm about full of being away from home, visiting, not being in my own space. I think Abbey's at that point as well - last night he was really snarly, quite aggressive, when I tried to move him when I went to bed. Very unlike him, but I think a lack of downtime and personal space has made him tired and cranky as well. So, tomorrow I leave bright and early. I should be back in Ottawa around 3pm.

YEAH!!

Don't get me wrong, it's been fun and all, but really? I need to get home. This is still really stressful. Just knowing that the weight of seeing or not seeing my father is on my shoulders (no matter how much I ignore it, the guilt is of course still there), sharing a confined space for 5 days, visiting, etc. I find it hard. I also stress eat quite a bit while here, which doesn't do much good for the diet end of things!! I think a full detox when I get home is in order.

I find that my brother and I can't get along all that well here either. Too much of the past comes back to us I think. I find myself very snappy, defensive towards him. This morning, anything I did he was saying "don't do that", whether it related to Luke or my own dog. It's a characteristic I think he has picked up from my mom - a bit nit-picky. Way too opinionated I find, ready to find fault. I find that really, really hard to deal with and just want to say "fuck off!!". It's funny because we get along if I'm in Toronto, but here? My defensiveness rears its ugly head, and I think he's on edge as well.

My mom drives me insane after a few days too. Hey, I love her and all that, but we're so different. I don't have much to say to her really - just not alot in common. I can't gossip about the family here, I don't really want to talk about work, can't talk about Muay Thai. My love life? Ha!!!! How do you explain that one?!! Oh boy. Wow, that would be an interesting conversation!! Try and explain the last few months?!!

I found myself very tired tonight at Memere's birthday party. I wasn't in a social mood (PMS'ing and just feeling anti-social in general), which made it hard. I don't know what to say to my cousins really - they have kids, a life here which is totally different than mine. I guess if I had been feeling a bit more social, I would have made small-chat, but I just didn't feel up to it. What do you say? I feel really out of the loop, in the dark, the black sheep. It's not even a superiority-feeling kind of thing - just simply being different. I think it's the lack of kids that is the main factor.

Anyway, such is life. Family. He's going to see my father tomorrow, but not at my father's house (which pisses my father off to no end). Woo hoo!! I'll be far along Hwy 17, back to normal life!! Hey, life in Ottawa isn't perfect - but at least my problems are MY problems and it's normal to me. But tomorrow, I can go home, drop off the dog, grab a protein shake, and head to the gym to a Kali class, and then work out, hopefully spar, for the evening if anyone is around.

I tired to explain Muay Thai to a few people, but no luck. They just don't get it. I did spend quite a bit of time searching for Muay Thai gyms though. I found a good forum site with lots of info and have been learning about the different training styles at each gym, the routines, etc. I want a gym that you get alot of one-on-one time with trainers. I don't want to be left to my own devices on the heavy bags. I might spend 2 weeks at Lanna, and then another two weeks down in Phuket at one or another of the gyms there. Fairtex looks good as well, but apparently there's not much to do around there. If I'm going to be in Thailand, I want to see some of the country as well!! Anik priced a flight to ChiangMai for me at $1200 (China Air) or $1700 (Singapore Air). I think I'll go with Singapore Airlines as the last time I flew them they were AWESOME!!! Great service, great food. And if I"m in the air for 15 hours, I want the best possible experience.

It's amazing how much of the forums on this MT site talk about ladyboys in Thailand! Today was the first time I'd heard that term before!

I've become a little obsessed about MT ever since I passed my Phase I test and talked to Kruu about fighting. I'm glad though - it's nice to have a goal - whether it's to fight or simply to get down to fighting weight. I need to get back to running, but I have a suspicion that I have a compression fracture in my shin from running on bad shoes. I need new shoes. I think maybe that will be Saturday's mission - a trip to the Running Room. I shouldn't have gone running on christmas eve -mistake number one. Well, not throwing these shoes out 6 months ago was probably mistake number one!!!

Family.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

We should all be born as ectogenes, like in the "Red Mars" trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson. A matriarchal society where all children are ectogenes.

I just want to avoid this actually. Go back to Ottawa, back to friends and normal life. Start my new job, which in itself is fraught with interpersonal problems, but manageable ones.

New Year's is coming up. I'll have to come up with a few resolutions, although do they really mean anything? Resolutions should be made any time of the year. And if you can't keep a promise to yourself, who can you keep on to? The problem is that I'm fine at keeping promises to someone else, but myself? Meh. Maybe it's lack of respect for myself. Dunno.

I ordered a pair of Boes shin pads the other day from CanBox. I should receive them tomorrow. Yeah!! Sparring without killing my shins!! And I bought a new mouthguard at CanTire - a ShockDoctor. Disgusting lime green colour, but next year I'll get one made at my dentist's office instead. This one is actually molded to your teeth, so not so bad.

MT and family. Those are the two things running around in my head right now. Family since I can't really figure out what to do. Thanksgiving was easier. Why? Because I spent each day at Science North with the science communications bunch. With my own people. I went out almost every night with Andy for coffee and/or beer. I've been squirreling myself away here, not coming out of my shell.

DEFINITELY not banff-like behavior in the last couple of days. Bad, bad paula.

Anyway, it's bed time. The dog is out like a light and I should be as well since I told Luke I'd be in Sturgeon at 9am

more later.

boxing day gerbils

Boxing day is here, the christmas rush almost over for another year. Today was a lazy day - took the dog for a walk around the unfrozen lake this afternoon (very disconcerting) and then wound up falling asleep when I got back to my mom's house for 4 hours! I didn't think I was tired, but I lay down to read and promptly fell asleep. Now it's evening and I'm hoping that I will be able to sleep tonight.

I was thinkikng about Banff while out walking. Not sure why except it seems the holiday season always means a focus on emtions of some sort, and Banff was possibly one of the most emotional experiences of my life. It's actually hard to put down into words - emotions sometimes seem more like colours than words, easier to show than to verbalize. I look forward to the conference in Boston so that I can see a few of them. Although only a few of us are going.

It's been a quiet christmas so far. Although I did recieve one chellange which I'm not sure to handle. My father sent a christmas card with some money in it to me via my aunt. So what do I do? Do I respond? Do I go with my brother to see him later this week? Do I send the money back, send a thank you note? I think I will just leave it alone. Laura sent me a long email the other day which told me to just let it go. I can let it go. I can't forgive or forget though. I can't just keep giving him another chance. The last time was enough - the rantings and slashings that I got verbally and via email were enough for me and I'm not letting that happen again. I put my foot down. My therapist was happy that I finally made that move, and so am I. If the guilt, the questioning and moral struggle only happens once a year, than I think I can deal with it. It's like working through the holiday season and not eating too much - all it takes is will power!!

So. My brother is here tomorrow, Memere's birthday on Thursday, and then driving home on Friday. All's good. I think I'll see if I can get Andy out for coffee tomorrow as well, see him once more before leaving. He's not been in Ottawa lately.

I haven't heard from B lately either. Sent him a christmas greeting and no reply, which I can't say I'm too happy about. I guess what's happened has happened and maybe that's over and done with. Maybe I said too much. Or vice versa. I guess talking over the holidays is too difficult, hard to find the time. We're going to have to talk further sooner or later.

I was walking the dog yesterday and found myself off the train tracks in a back neighbourhood, right beside RW's old house. That got me thinking about him, about highschool, and realizing that maybe he was the first male that I had issues with. Maybe the first person outside my father who I put stock in, who I trusted and was loyal to and then he hurt me (emotionally). Maybe he's the start of this cycle of trusting and then getting hurt. Maybe I preferentially choose guys who I know will hurt me in the long run. Although I think I broke that cycle at Banff and chose a guy who isn't going to hurt me, who I can trust, which made me really leary at first!! I kept expecting him to turn into an asshole, still expect him to do so, and he constantly surprises me when he's continuously sweet and nice and actually cares about me as well.

Anyway, I think I'll go and read or something, relax a bit and stop the gerbils from running.

christmas eve

Merry Christmas Eve!

Just sitting here relaxing. I went for a run this morning with the dog (in a very cold, blustering wind), did some shopping, did a bit of a heavy bag workout in the basement (wound up hitting the metal support post with my toes - ow!!), wrapped some presents, and now am just reading/writing. People should be arriving very soon for supper.

Pretty brain dead right now. Which is maybe a good thing. :) No gerbils running through my head.

Passed test! Starting Phase II in January. In Sudbury right now.

I passed my Muay Thai Phase I test last night!! Woo hoo!! With flying colours. Yeah!! So in January, I'll start in Phase II, which will be brutal!! Looking forward to it though - more challenges!! I was trying to explain to Andy tonight over coffee about Muay Thai and he just doesn't get it. Yes, the fitness aspect of things he understands, but not the sparring/competition end of things. It's a hard thing to get across to people who aren't involved in martial arts. It's not just a vicious beat the crap out of each other type of activity. It's strategic, a mental game as much as physical. But I guess with a pre-conceived notion that it's violent, trying to convince someone otherwise is practically impossible.

But yeah!!!! Phase II here we come!!! Can't wait.

I'm in Sudbury right now - got in around 6pm tonight after a rainy drive from Ottawa. I ran into a couple of squash league people in Deep River, dropped Luc off in Sturgeon, and got in here for supper. Had supper, walked the dog, and then went and got Andy and went to Starbuck's for a coffee. Priority!! See mom, go have coffee with Andy. :)

Tomorrow's the big family gathering here at my mom's. Not quite sure what is on tap for the rest of the week, except the 28th. I'm going to try and get home on the 29th for our Kali class at 4pm, and then Saturday is the big UFC 61 fight. A bunch of us from the academy are going to watch it at TJ Pagoda's, where we had our Christmas party. Should be fun.

Anyway, I think it's bath/shower time. I'm going to try and get in a run tomorrow morning before the place becomes crowded and food starts flowing. Or at least get in a workout - I borrowed the 50 lb punching bag from work and strung it up in the basement so I can get in a bit of shadow boxing and bag work. Shit!! I forgot my skipping rope!! Argh. So must go for a run. I have a very big goal - 150 lbs by May. I've never come across a sport that I enjoy so much, not even squash. And this is the first time I've been this motivated to get down to that weight. I'll be really happy when I do.

24 hours

24 hour countdown til my Phase II testing! Yeah!! I think I'm ready. The week started off not too great with remedial kicking on Tuesday, but it's ended good! At lunch today, there were only 2 of us, so we did some shadow boxing, worked on the heavy bag, and then sparred for the rest of the time. It's really cool, alot of fun. But whoa, alot more practice is needed! When fists come flying at your head, all rational thought goes out the window! And I've discovered that I'm more likely to aim for the body than the head of my sparring partner. I also need to stop rushing at my opponent, letting him come to me. It's all practice though, experience. I took quite a few punches, some to the head, and realized that it doesn't hurt all that much. Well, it's friendly sparring, it's not supposed to hurt. But I have to learn to not blink when fists come at me. It's difficult to convince yourself that not blinking is good for you.

I talked with Kruu afterwards about competing. A year from now I can be thrown into the ring. I need to drop down to 150 though as I need to fit into a lower weight class. I'll never be less than 150 lbs, which means I'll be fighting women taller than me, but I think I can handle that.

Got a phone call this aft from a friend of mine which completely surprised me - banffers coming out of the blue! It was really nice actually, left me all warm and fuzzy for the rest of the day. :) Smile and hug via the telephone, it was great! Miss him alot, alot. I think I may have to pester Jay about having that winter reunion that he was talking about.

On the other hand, one other friend is still AWOL. He specifically asked if I was free today and I haven't heard from him since. Such is life. Oh well. Not to sound bitter or anything... :)

agitated on a wednesday evening

3 days before heading north for the festive season. But I'm certainly not feeling all that festive! I took today off to get some domestic work done - cleaning, dishes, etc. I felt like crap when I woke up this morning, a mood that seems to have stuck with me for the day and now into the evening.

A friend was supposed to come into town today but apparently he is sick at home (his secretary was nice enough to send me a message letting me know his trip was cancelled - in itself a very, very weird email to get as it's a bit scary to think that someone's email is being read by their secretary as well!!). This is too bad as I was looking forward to seeing him tonight - it's been a while. Tomorrow I think I was supposed to have cidre with another friend, but he's disappeared off the face of the planet in the last week so am not so sure what's up so presume that nothing's happening. Maybe not such a bad thing as not meeting face-to-face means not having to discuss more personal issues. Avoidance. It's a wonderful thing!! Although I was given hopes of receiving a tourtiere...

So, all in all not a happy camper right now. I went to the gym this afternoon and got in a weight workout, which I thought would get rid of the tension, but it doesn't seem to have done that. I'm agitated right now.

There is nothing on TV.

Dunno if I'm going to survive going to sudbury.

one week til phase II test

Happy Saturday! It's been quite the productive day. I spent the morning doing some shopping. I got my nephew's present - snowshoes! Hopefully we'll get some snow now or else maybe it would have been better to get him a bike or such. Anyway, they are nice kid's snowshoes - made by Tubbs and they'll last him until he's almost 100 lbs, which should give him a good number of years use of them.

I spent the afternoon at the Academy, practicing with Kate, Michael and Kruu Nathan. Talk about a good instructional period!! I asked Kruu Bob if I could test on Friday and he's agreed, so I have 4 days of practice left! I'm a bit nervous to test for Phase II, but it'll be nice to get into the higher level classes. I think my body has gotten used to Phase I classes and I need to step it up a notch. I ran through the entire listing of what I need to know for the test with the gang and they all agreed I should do fine. It was fun actually - I learned a number of new exercises to work on my footwork, make sure I'm moving correctly. I learned alot today actually. The test should go fine (fingers crossed).

Purple toe

One of my toes is not the right colour. Think that's a bad thing? It's vaguely purple-blue, not really the nice fleshy colour it should be. Hmmm... can't think of what I might have done to it. I don't think it's broken.

More later...

Okay, back after Muay Thai. Apparently the bruising on my toe is "normal" so no worries. Might have hit it wrong on a pad or something. It's kinda cool though! Weird. My shins are going to be purple and blue tomorrow as well. We were practicing shields at lunch today, and combined with kicks tonight, they are aching already. Tomorrow night is our academy fight night - get to watch some real fights! Well, friendly fights because they are all members of our club. :)

I'm watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and eating supper. I discovered yesterday that Peter Boyle, the older actor who plays Frank on the show, died this week. That's really sad. I don't usually get affected by actors dying, but he's actually one of my favorites. That's really too bad. He reminds me of my geochem prof from Laurentian - same sense of humour at times.

is it friday yet?

In a bit of a pissy mood tonight, for no particular reason actually. Forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning, but that can't have had an effect so soon. I'm a bit sore - gonna take tomorrow off Muay Thai as I think my body needs a bit of a break. I was hurting by the end of class tonight. My right ankle is a bit sore - I just ordered some anklets for stability so hopefully that'll help. I'm trying to figure out if that's the ankle I've gone over on a number of times while playing squash. I'm going to book a massage appointment tomorrow as well - time to strip out the calves again.

I really would like to start sparring on Fridays in January, but ball hockey is getting in the way!! Argh. Maybe 1 out of 4 weeks I can pass the goalie gear to Nancy and have her play nets so I can spar. I'd like to try one of the fight nights as well, but would like to lose some more weight before that. Been doing well so far, but I have a suspicion that the combination of an increased dose of antidepressant and being a slug for most of July and August contributed to a weight gain. Now's time to burn it off, which is always harder!!

ugh. lacking energy right now. head full, tired. Man, do I need a few days off. Completely off. Preferably someplace warm and sunny!! Playing phone tag with laura, trying to sort out a few science fair related things.

Ah, no more teaching!!!

Long time no write eh? Been a long last couple of days - Mineral Science Piss-up friday at lunch, then down to Elgin Street to pick up a friend, then to pick up Jeff Crelinsten, who was our moderator for the Cafe Scientifique that evening at the Royal Oak. The Cafe was a hit actually! We had about 40 people there, and there were not that many staff, which was a big change from the one last month. Jeff was a great moderator - he even managed to tell one of the more obnoxious participants to "shut the fuck up" in a nice, polite way! I was impressed. He did an excellent job and I would bring him back again.

I think I made a mistake upon coming home though. I've got a situation on my hands that I'd preferably not be caught in, but on the other hand don't want to get out of. I got home after driving a friend home, and the gerbils in my head were running strong. I decided that I would send an email to this friend who shares the situation with me. No, not a drunken email!! I was sober! But maybe it was crossing a line. Maybe I just have to let this drop and go cold turkey. I very much have feelings for him, am unsure of his for me (I'm pretty certain he's confused about his own feelings) but decided I would try and explain those, again, again, to him. Maybe a bad idea. I don't know. Haven't heard a response, although that could be due to a busy life more than anything. Pissed off maybe? I just don't know how to get across what's in my head, in my heart, in normal words. I don't think it's possible actually, without either sounding stalker-ish, emotionally fucked up, or simply desperate! Is the female and male mind that much different????? It's a hard situation. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just take myself out of the picture for a while. It's hard though, you know? When you want to be with someone, talk to them, spend time with them, etc., but the circumstances don't allow that? It's hard. It's brutal in fact. It stabs at the heart at every turn and it's worse knowing there's not a fuck of alot you can do about it. What's worse is he's just as confused me thinks, and has a habit of throwing out contradictory info at every turn, in the typical way of all adult children of alcoholics. Something Scott said to me a while back always seems to resonate - that adult children always seem to find each other. They are naturally attracted to each other, without knowing each others' backgrounds, and find they understand each other instinctively, can easily see through each others' bullshit because the other person tends to use the same bullshit!!! It's true. There's alot that doesn't have to be said when you know the other person has a similar background - all the excuses, the reactions to certain stimuli, certain situations, the way we're all very good at contradicting ourselves, being unsure, lacking self-esteem, thinking the worst of ourselves, being needy, needing to please people, needing reassurance, etc. It's amost amusing to think that a group of people can be so stereotypical. It actually pisses me off to an extent.

Anyway, yes, he and I fall into this category, although I think I'm more aware of that than he is. I think I understand the attraction at my level, but maybe don't want to admit that yet. And maybe that's for another blog or for my therapist! I think Ray and I need to have another session - I warned him that I'd be back before Christmas! He'll be expecting me. Oh, he'll have a field day with this one... He'll sit there with that grin on his face, knowing full well what I'm doing, and knowing full well that I know what I'm doing!! It's a weird little circle we have going at times!! Well, 2 years in therapy, he knows me better than anyone else on the planet! So he'd just giggle about this one.

It's amazing what the lack of one thing in your childhood makes you do in your adulthood.

Saturday, the cold I've been fighting off reared its ugly head and I spent the day lying on the couch, fighting for space with the dog. Managed to get rid of the cold though, and went for a short run on Sunday. Abbey can't take a long run, so we cut it short to 5 km and then walked the rest of the way home. I think I'm going to have to do my long runs without him on the weekends.

Finally this week I'm DONE with teaching!! Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, but it does take alot of time and lately things have been too insane. I am almost finished marking my final exams (should be done tomorrow), and then have a few things that need to get done before Christmas and hopefully I can take the holidays off. I have an editor from MinMag on my ass, waiting for a few changes to a manuscript that was supposed to be published in August. He couldn't have asked me for this info 4 months ago?!!

I found out today that more people than I know are reading this! Kinda interesting actually. Doesn't mean that I'll start filtering (well, a certain level of self-filtering happens here anyway), but I find it interesting. But hey, a blog is open space, can contain anything and is not work-related. So fuck it! Read all you want guys! Maybe it makes me more understandable, or less! I don't know. Insight into my head is not always a good thing!

5 straight days of muay thai

Muay Thai Monday, Tuesday lunch, Wednesday, Thursday lunch, Thursday evening. Yikes. My body needs a day off! Not complaining though - it's been a blast! Got in some really good workouts. Yesterday I had a 45 min private lesson with Kruu Bob on Kali techniques. It's difficult, very complex. Not the same physical challenge as MT, but mentally very difficult. My head hurts by the end of a session!! I have a really hard time relaxing my body to just go with the flow of the sticks. Practice, practice, practice. I'm going to set up some tape on one of my walls to practice the patterns. I had a long discussion with Bob later about traveling through Asia, which was actually alot of fun. He's very knowledgeable in Asian culture and knows where to go to get away from tourists (my kind of travel!). I'm going to try hard to go over there next December, over Christmas maybe.

At lunch today, we did a bunch of clinch techniques, and I'm certain tomorrow morning my neck is going to be aching!! My shins are bruised from practicing shields. Tomorrow's a day off training though. Mineral sciences piss-up for lunch and then the Cafe Scientifique in the evening. I've gotta try and eat healthy at lunch. Actually the Royal Oak is worse! Those spicey fries... Mmmmm... But I'll be good. Or try to be at least. I think I'm getting sick - my throat has been a bit sore all day long.

The semester is almost over - I picked up my final exams this morning, marked the lab exams yesterday, so only have the finals to mark now. I should be done that by the weekend, and then YEAH!! No more teaching!!!

Tired here. Gotta be up early to get Jeffrey from the airport tomorrow. Also have to figure out a way to get my goalie gear to Nancy so she can play goal tomorrow evening.

This is a really superficial entry eh? Nothing terribly exciting. But even my thumbs are sore right now, so I think I'll just go watch tv!!!

45 min run yesterday, sore quads today

Wow, are my legs ever sore! I went for a run yesterday afternoon, 45 min, the longest run I have done in a couple of months. Yikes! It felt really good at the time - my cardio from Muay Thai is really good, but today? OMG! My quads are aching. I can't decide if I'm looking forward to an hour of Muay Thai and another hour of Kali tonight or not! It might help to get some of the stiffness out. On the other hand, I may be incapacitated tomorrow! I'll sleep well tonight anyway. I was impressed at the level of cardio fitness I've achieved just in the last month. I'm realizing I'm also not tiring out as often in MT, have built up the stamina to the point where I don't drop my hands at the end of a session.

I was looking into the Bangkok Fairtext Muay Thai camp last night. Had a few back and forth email messages from them, answering my questions. Looks like a great place. I'm thinking of going for a month next december. Maybe again for longer after the 2008 CWSF.

Bed-hog!

The dog completely took over the bed last night!! I woke up at 2am and discovered he was sleeping horizontally on the bed, his ass in my face, so got up to go to the washroom. When I came back, he had taken over my spot!! Knowing full well that if I heaved him over, growling would result, I just got in on the other side, against the wall. Gees, pretty bad when the dog has control over the bed! I guess I could have shoved him over, ignoring the nasty growling that would have occurred, but I was too asleep to care. :)

Our annual "Mineral sciences piss-up" is this coming Friday, starting at noon at Meditheo. What horrible timing, since Friday is also the Cafe Scientifique, the speaker for which is someone that I have invited along. Whoops. So I'm going to have to bow-out of the piss-up early, which doesn't make me happy. Especially given the atmosphere lately, with me changing roles and not being totally mineralogy-oriented lately. I'd rather show that I'm not deserting them, but I don't have much of a choice this Friday. I wonder if I can get people to come to the Royal Oak for supper or at least a beer so they are with me? Probably not. It's a long way off from the Market. The only good thing about this is that I won't spend as much money as I otherwise would. It's usually a very expensive day!

Been having an interesting time/experience with a friend of mine, trying to figure out where our relationship stands, what is between us, and trying to sort out our own lives. It's been an interesting experience. The one thing it has done is made me realize, again, how important close, intimate, personal relationships are, just on a platonic level. Although maybe that closeness has to stem from wanting more than a platonic relationship, but for whatever reason, that can't realistically happen. But it's good. I think it's heathly and helps both of us immensely.

Much better tonight

Although very tired, I'm in a better mood, more positive, right now. After a very, very long day, I came home and got ready to go to Muay Thai, hopefully to redeem myself after Tuesday's disasterous session. Had a bit of food, and managed to chat with a close friend for a bit, which actually did alot of good and raised my spirits (energy levels?).

I headed off to Muay Thai, eager to get a good workout. I had a chance to talk to Kruu before class, told him that I was really frustrated Tuesday at lunch and he just grinned. He said that everyone has days like that and the trick is just to work through them. Good advice. I partnered up with an experienced guy for the class and had a great workout. Focused on my technique, protecting my face with my right hand (bad habit I keep forgetting about), and put alot of effort into everything. It felt really good. I think I've redeemed myself. I felt like I improved - Kruu told me to stand up straighter on my kicks and that felt alot better than the other position I was in (slightly back and bent over). By the end of the session, even though Kruu Sacha made us do alot of core strengthening exercises towards, I felt good, as if I had purged all sorts of nastiness from my body via sweat.

Now I'm just relaxing for the evening. My presentation at the All Staff meeting this morning went exceptionally well. It's always a good sign when people are laughing and nodding their heads. I think there is abundant support for my new position, which makes me confident that we'll be able to make this work. Strange how the worst part of all of this was internally within my own Division eh? Maybe that's a personal perception issue as well. Anyway, long live the Research Liaison!!!

*sigh*

Just got home from an exec meeting and then a quick beer afterwards. I had a bit of a relevation this morning. I went and talked to Claude about the ups and downs of martial arts. The last couple of days have been frustrating, I haven't been happy with my performance, frustrated at being paired up with someone quite a bit less experienced than me, etc. Claude reminded me that when you're paired up with a partner, they are there for you just as much as YOU ARE THERE FOR THEM. It's true. I had forgotten that. Maybe I was bored and not getting as much of a workout as I wanted, but my partner probably got alot of out being paired with a more experienced partner. It was a bit of a lightbulb going on in my head. He's right. That's part of the game - learning from someone else, supporting someone else, and then having someone teaching you and supporting you. Not necessarily the same person for both roles. Maybe it can be, but maybe it doesn't have to be.

It was a good pause in my understanding and awareness of the big picture. Sometimes being totally internally focused is not such a good thing. On the other hand, you have to protect yourself and make sure you are happy and living up to your own standards.

Tired though. I think I'm headed to bed. 'Nother long day tomorrow. Today's executive meeting went alot better than the one last month. A few russled feathers smoothed over. We've still got some issues with the ORSF, but it's more insecurity, panic, than anything and I think we'll be ok. Just gotta bring the money in and everyone will be happy. It's hard listening to people complain, panic, when you know there are other issues one the table.

the christmas season stress/depression has begun

Talk about a frustrating couple of weeks. My fuse is starting to feel very, very short and I find myself having to watch carefully my reaction to everything going on. Think it's time for a bit of a break. Although, unfortunately, Christmas is coming up and that's just another source of frustration and stress.

Ah ha!! That's what this is!! It's the annual month-long build up to the Christmas stress/hell!!! This all makes sense now!

I so don't want to go to Sudbury for Christmas. Relatives upon relatives. My father actually have the cahones to email me (the one account I haven't blocked him on) and ask if I plan to go visit him and his girlfriend over the holidays. Um, let's take a look at that a bit more in-depth shall we? Last year, Rob and I actually attempted to visit him and he told us no. And given the last months and the various blow-outs and insults, etc., I really don't think this is appropriate. He even stooped as low as having his girlfriend email me all happy and friendly-like. I think she's completely snowed. Is she blind? I would guess that she believes ME to be the evil daughter in this scenario and thinks he is completely innocent and the victim here. HA!! Go talk to my therapist lady. It's amazing I'm not still attending a session every week, twice a week for that matter!! I've probably already put my therapist's children through university!

He's such a fucking narcissist. My therapist said that if he'd truly accomplished something at rehab last year, that the first thing he would be doing is admitting his past evils and trying to understand why the bad feelings now. He hasn't done that. Not at all. And that seems to translate to other members of my family so I catch hell from others as well, I get called a hypocritical tw0-faced bitch as he doesn't listen and tells completely different stories to everyone to make him look good.

Okay, enough ranting. Maybe I should just go to Cuba or something for the holidays. Because even with my mom's side of the family, the guilt just flows. If I didn't go to Sudbury? Oh, of course, I'd get the stock "I understand" answer, but the guilt is just impregnated into that response. My brother is staying in Toronto for the main holidays, then heading north. He doesn't seem to feel guilty, but he's got a kid and a wife so can hide behind that. Me? Nope. No excuse (apparently the dog and friends don't count) so I'm stuck going up north, driving in hellish weather and bad roads, only to feel like a black sheep for the entire time I'm there.

What a stupid fucking holiday. No wonder why depression levels increase in the general population at christmas. Is there anyone out there who actually does like this holiday?

So, now that I know why the slight depression and frustration increase, I guess it's a matter of how to deal with it. Think I'm pms'ing too. Going out and getting completely sloshed sounds good, although that usually winds up hurting for 2 days and costs alot of money.

So I'll go to Muay Thai instead, get my frustrations out that way. Except I went at lunch today and it was a disaster (another reason for the bitchy mood). Usually lunch hour classes are fairly high-level and I was looking for a workout. And it could have been, except that the girl I wound up being paired up with was fairly new and slightly uncoordinated and therefore I did more teaching than a real work out. Very, very frustrating. I was going to go for a run tonight, but I feel like shit so will sit here and mope.

argh.

"ask forgiveness later rather than asking permission first". Argh. Now THERE'S a statement that has just totally pissed me off. Why is it that fundraising and money brings out the worst/best in people? Our Regional Fair chair wants to ask forgiveness from YSF if we happen to step on their toes, rather than talking to them first. That so pisses me off. On the CWSF front, we have been working for YEARS to develop a good relationship with YSF, one that will be the baseline for future CWSF committees, completely erasing history and the bad vibes that have existed between YSF and host committees for the last decade. And we've been doing a good job at it - we talk to them regularly, we have submitted a number of fundraising proposals together, and finally have developed an open relationship between the two groups. Personally, I'm very proud of this and hope to see other years have the same good working relationship. If we adopt the "ask forgiveness later" attitude, that fucks everything up and completely undermines what we have been trying to do.

I think the issue is people NOT understanding the CWSF process, the role of YSF (okay, so maybe that has problems internally as well, but that's not the issue here!), and the relationship that CWSF-YSF is supposed to have. But I will not accept someone trying to undermine what we have worked on, no matter how much money is involved.

I sent back a somewhat abrupt email. I think I had to. He can be a bit too agressive at times and that worries me. Yes, we need money. Who doesn't? But it's coming in, we're doing an excellent job.

Argh. Okay, off to a partnership meeting at CFI.

Love Actually on tv

Watching "Love Actually" on tv, one of my favorite movies. Almost makes me optimistic about the whole 'falling in love' thing. Besides, who can resist Alan Rickman? There's just something about him. :) Pretty much seen every single movie he's in, most of them many times over! I hope the next "Harry Potter" movie has more shots of him in it. I know, sad, but hey, everyone's gotta have a favorite actor.

Took the puppy for a play session this afternoon - he's doing really well! He loves to wrestle with me - he grabs his rope, tugs away, growling viciously the whole time, and then runs off with it. When we wrestle, he sounds like a demon from hell - all growling and barking and nastiness. Way too cute, although someone listening might be frightened!

Just worked out my training schedule for the next week. I need to start getting up early in the morning to get in a run or a bike ride on the trainer. With Muay Thai in the evenings (or meetings), I need to find time to get the cardio/fat-burning workout done. I got in a ride on the trainer tonight, after not being on my bike in the last many months. Since Banff actually.

I went and bought some polysporin cream for my knees this morning. They've stopped aching and are healing, but were a bit red earlier. Stupid heavy bag!!

knees and horses

An hour on the heavy bags at the academy yesterday afternoon and today my knees are all scrapped up and very sore!! The outside of the biggest bag is rough and managed to rip up my knees. It hurts like hell to kick it as well! I spent last night in a somewhat uncomfortable state, not wanting to let the duvet hit the knees. I think I might have to find some polysporin, and ask Kruu if this is normal until your legs get used to the abuse.


I'm watching CBC and the Sunday show - the topic right now is using horses for therapy. I can see how that can work. I think back to my times at the Double E. Strangely enough, I got an email from Chad yesterday and we've decided we need to book another trip to EE next summer. I think I'll go for 2 weeks this time, plenty of time to chill out, enjoy the Ranch and get rid of the stresses that I know are going to weight hugely on my mind but that point in the year. I'll have to email Debbie and put in my reservation now. :)

(Double E Ranch, Gila, New Mexico, July 2004)

Our happy group from the Double E, July 2005

Ugh, horrible nightmare

Woke up at 7am this morning with an absolutely horrible nightmare still running through my head. No, not a dream about monsters or killers or other horrors. It was actually about the science fair!! I know, that sounds entirely geeky, but it was horrible! I dreamt that we were having a large convention of some sorts, including an executive meeting, and problems began when one of our co-chairs decided to take complete control of all activity, not talking to anyone, and then sided with L to cause a complete revolt against the rest of us. Okay, so that doesn't sound all that bad, but for me, it was not a nice dream to have. I felt betrayed, especially by L who is like a big sister for me, very disturbed, unhappy. Oh man, I didn't wake up in a good mood, and am feeling quite unnerved right now still. Too complicated to fully explain, but it was disturbing. It ended in a very strange fashion, with a completely different cast of characters, but at least it was a bit more comforting.

I think my mind is just on a bit of a roller coaster after the last couple of weeks - lots of things to think about, alot of serious discussions, both personal and professional, to be had. All insecurities and fears are rearing up. So today is a complete day off. I do have a lecture to complete for Monday, but today I am going to go spend a few hours at the gym, maybe getting rid of this disturbed feeling by going a few rounds on the heavy bag. If I could find a sparring partner, that would be great too.

2 greyhounds?

Been a long couple of days here and I'm glad that the weekend is nearly upon us. Tuesday I went to Muay Thai at lunch hour and experienced my first sparring match. Kruu Sacha was teaching and there were only 3 of us in the class. We started off with some pyramid drills, 6-combination punches, etc. Phase II drills actually. We were just going to start with new kicks and elbows when Kruu Bob came in and told us to grab our gloves and get over to the ring - we were going to beat up on Sacha for a while! Not having sparred before, I was quite excited!! I had just told Sacha that I was curious to know what it actually feels like to be hit - better to know than to be afraid of it, right? Here was my chance!! We donned mouthguards and 16 oz gloves and entered the ring for a 3 minute round. Only boxing first, then in a Muay Thai stance. What a blast!! I learned something very important - keep your hands up and protect your face. Sacha got in a couple of jabs to my face, in particular my nose, and a hook to my head when I dropped my right hand while throwing my left. It's hard to get the upper and lower part of your body working together in the ring!! In practice, sure, it's slow and controlled. I was all excited and adrenaline was rushing through my body. A good lesson learned - stay relaxed, controlled and let your opponent come to you. However, for a first time, it was great! I can't wait to do more. Although 2 hours later, my face was hurting - my nose took a bit of a beating! Still slightly sensitive now, but that's all part of the game. More, more more!! I need to go and buy 12 oz gloves and a better mouthguard now. And shin guards. I figure I'll try for Phase II in the new year, but if Kruu figures I'm advanced enough right now to handle sparring, I could probably go for Phase II now as well. But having learned that it takes a long time before moves in practice aren't fully incorporated into muscle memory yet, I think a few more months in Phase I is fine by me.

Today, I received a call from GRA, the greyhound adoption agency where I got Abbey. Apparently his sister, Dottie, is back up for adoption as her owners' landlord told them that they could not have a dog. She's a really sweet dog - goofy like Abbey, brindle in colour, and I wound so love to have her. But, realistically, 2 huge dogs? I need to move first. And all the costs would double. As much as I would love to drive down to London and get her, I don't think I can. I'm still debating, but it's an argument between the irrational and logical sides of my brain. I'm not sure which one is winning!!

UFC 65 - GSP!!

UFC 65
Georges St. Pierre is the Welterweight UFC champion! Yeah!! And he did it in impressive fashion – dominated Matt Hughes from the start, resisting submissions and keeping the fight to a stand-up game. The final blow – a left kick to the head which just dropped Hughes on his ass!! But GSP had gotten in a number of excellent punches, kicks and knees throughout both rounds. Awesome fight. Yeah for Canada!! The Heavyweight championship fight with Tim Silvia and Jeff Monson wasn’t impressive at all – a lot of standing around throwing little punches. Monson tried to take Silvia down a number of times, but Silvia countered with sprawls which did give Monson any chance for a mount. The fight went 5 full rounds, with a unanimous decision to Silvia, but BORING!

I did a 3 hour Filipino martial arts (or Kali) session yesterday afternoon. This has the potential of being a very vicious form of self-defense! It is actually a system martial art techniques that employs single, double and short-long weaponry, as well as grappling and hand-to-hand combat. It’s an extremely effective long and short-range combat MA, used by Filipino warriors. Very effective for injuring or killing your opponent, with or without a weapon, as well as for disarming an attacker. We worked with two rattan sticks, one short to represent a dagger, and the other a 2.5’ staff which represents either a stick or a sword. It’s very different than Muay Thai, more complicated I found, but I think complimentary, Kruu believes in being well-rounded, and I think that once a week I will take Kali along with MT. Never hurts to know these techniques, although I hope that I never have need for them except in practice/training!

DaVinci Code - finally saw it

TGIF.

Apparently my last post on the Fifth Estate's CC documentary caught the attention of a "Friends of Science" supporter, a denialist. Interesting! How he found it in the midst of so many other blog posts, I'll never know, but hey, all publicity is good publicity. Personally, I think that anyone who denies that humans are having a huge impact on the rate of Global Warming either (1) has their own agenda governed by either money or politics (probably both) or (2) needs their head examined and doesn't understand scientific research at all.

I'm watching "Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray right now. It's one of my favorite movies. After Banff, and with recent events and contemplations, it seems to strike at a deeper core than it had ever before. Two people who find themselves outside of their element, who find in each other a common belief system and the grounds for unexpected intimacy of feelings. One of the statements on the outside of the DVD says "Ms. Coppola's film contemplates the unexpected connections we make but may not last... but stay with us forever". It's a fascinating film. The relationship between the two main characters seems way too familar to me - an unexpected attraction but of which nothing can come due to reality.

Earlier, I watched "The DaVinci Code", which I must admit I was a bit disappointed in. The book was very good (although Dan Brown's other novels are much better, especially "Deception Point"), but the movie lacked some of the more interesting information. A function of needing to appease a general audience and keep the running time to 2.5 hours I suspect. I'm glad to have rented it as it would have been a waste of money to see it at the theatre. Apparnetly "Angels & Demons" is in production. Maybe that will be better.

The Denial Machine - Fifth Estate Climate Change documentary

Yup, I pulled a complete dumbass move. I was doing laundry tonight and realized that I should probably through my Muay Thai gear into the mix - shorts, shirts and, of course, my bright red handwraps, which have not been washed before. I now own a couple of pink shirts, some pink socks, a pink-splotched towel, and a pink sports bra!! Oh well. Maybe pink will grow on me...

I signed up to do a 3 hour Filipino weaponry workshop on Saturday at my gym. I talked to Kruu Bob tonight and he said it's an excellent one-on-one streetfighting technique, and teaches alot of coordination and how to deal with an armed attacker. Not that I'm feeling like getting into a streetfight in the near future, but I think it's always good to learn a new technique and become well-rounded.

"The Denial Machine" on Fifth Estate (Wednesday, Nov. 15th, 9pm)

Note: I'm taking notes as I watch the show, for anyone who didn't catch it. These are my own brain farts and paraphrased quotes from the documentary. See www.cbc.ca/fifth for the transcript.

CC = climate change

From Frank Luntz's (communications strategist) 16 page guide for Bush on the use of certain words/tones to influence people:

"The science isn't conclusive"
"The costs of prevention are too high"

Rule # 1 - never use the term "Global warming" - implies cataclysmic destruction
Rule #2 - never call yourself an environmentalist

Bush proposes a 18% reduction in greenhouse gas intensity by 2012 - what the hell is that? = emissions/size of US economy = absolute % of CO2 in atmosphere could still rise as this only relies on economic growth.

Tobacco/cigarette history might repeat itself wrt to the oil and gas industry - ie. companies paying off scientists to insist that there really isn't a problem - the same guy who backed up the tobacco industry, Dr. Fred Singer, along with other tobacco lobbyists, are now backing up the oil/gas industry and trying to convince people that global warming is false.

(Tobacco + global warming debunkers, denialists in the same camp. Yeesh. How scary is that? Throw in ID and we're all fucked!)

Exxon: richest corporation in the world (this is not something I knew)
- right at the centre of the denial ring and CC debate
- bring on the same tobacco lobbyists scientists
- Exxon lists a $10,000 + $65,000 donation to Dr. Singer's research group and "foundation"

(Wow, this Singer guy is a creep!)

Exxon versus Canada
- David Anderson, former Minister of the Environment taking flack from the Whitehouse

- Dr. Tim Ball (University of Winnipeg) - mainstream science of Climate Change "theory" is a crock (Earth is actually cooling down? Bring on the penguins folks!)
- rejects idea that man-made emissions are at fault

(oh my god, this man has a PhD in climate change!! From where?! I think he bought one of those degrees that I get advertisements for in my hotmail inbox!! Hasn't published in a CC scientific journal in 15 years!)

- heads "Friends of Science" CC denial group - filtering money through foundations/organizations to avoid showing that their money is from oil/gas in Calgary - Imperial Oil (ie. Exxon) and Apco Worldwide (same company that headed the tobacco denial issue)
- recent research suggests that 50% of Canadians think there is a big scientific debate about climate change
- "Climate Catastrophy Cancelled" - video debunking CC produced by 'Friends of Science'

(oh no, I just saw a UofO isotope geology prof's name on the letter written to Harper headed by Fred Singer debunking CC - Oh that's not a good thing! What did you do man?!!)

Harpers "Clean Air" act - no mandatory emission cuts, Canada's emissions 50% higher than the USA's; participation in Kyoto DEAD (dead like a dodo - anyone else out there, other than Banffers, see "Flock of Dodos"?)

banff revisited after the final blog installment

Taking a few minutes out of the afternoon mineralogy lab to share a bit of my thoughts, take a breather, etc.

I read the last entry in A's Banff blog this afternoon and I must say it touched me. Not that I haven't read and re-read the entire blog many, many times, but somehow the last entry, reading about that last day, really affected me. A, I realize it was written after the fact, not in the moment, but it still conveys a sense of what the last day was like. But not entirely. How does one fully capture a day of emotional and mental exhaustion, of extreme nervous tension, a huge relief once the project was presented, and then the crash and onset of depression 1/2 an hour later in response to the realization that it was all over. I remember standing, listening to Arc's presentation in the foyer, my arm around Michael and vice versa. I think it was an act of trying to hold each other up, emotionally and physically. Then it was back to euphoric and celebratory at the Banff Centre president's house, engaging in relieved, excited conversations with participants and sponsors alike. Watching Jay try and move an umbrella bigger than he was across the deck. That, for whatever reason, sticks in my mind because it lead to a discussion with him on that porch that carried on way into the early hours that night. "What was the highlight of the 2 weeks?" one of the sponsors asked me. I couldn't answer. There was no one particular highlight. I couldn't begin to pick just one. It would depend - personal? professional? emotional? physical? within our group? drunk or sober? all the above? So A, your blog tells it like it was, yes, but I read it and my mind/heart automatically inserts the associated emotions, some of which still pull hard to this day. I remember balloons being shuffled back and forth from building to building and then from res door to res door (I still have that note). The party was a flop, yes, as no one had the emotional or physical stamina to celebrate for more than 2 hours to some really eclectic mix of music. I remember tearful goodbyes, not wanting to let go, and some people simply sneaking off into the night. But knowing that goodbye isn't forever and that we would meet again.

Breakfast Sunday morning was sparse - not even a whole table of us left, and certainly a quieter group than had ever eaten together before. We raided the Kiln, using up extra cash on our food cards for the trip back! I sat beside Mark on the bus on the way to the airport, deep in thought, aware that I was heading back to reality. I made a call to my dogsitter to assure them that I would be home to get him. I sat in the airport, in my own little world, and wrote the article that appeared in the last CSWA Science Link. I didn't write it for anyone but myself ultimately, as an outpouring of the emotion that at that time was overwhelming me. And, honestly, that same emotion that is overwhelming me again today as I think back.

It was an intense 2 weeks, not really reality, but the emotions are real. The experiences are real. The skills and confidence I gained are real.

The friends I made are real, and I miss everyone dearly.

I maybe don't speak about Banff as much as I should, but I hold it close to me like protecting a baby hedgehog. It's still too raw, but it's getting better. When I do speak about it, I can't stop.

I think about Banff every single day, dream of tulips, balloons and mountains. I read and re-read the blog. Some days it makes me smile. Other days, it brings tears to my eyes. But at all times, the program and my new friends are a source of strength.

A month in Phuket in 2008 - something to look forward to

Three straight days of Muay Thai and my body feels as though I've been run over by a truck! Tonight was the clincher (literally and figuratively!) - an extremely tough session. It began with 3 rounds of various parry techniques. Hold your arms in a boxing position for a good 18 minutes and see what your shoulders feel like!! Then try defending jabs. Next up, 3 rounds of a left kick followed by a right cross and left hook. Over and over and over. I must remember to point my toe when I kick. My partner, all 6' 5" of him, had an extremely powerful kick and I'm feeling the effects of that now - my elbows are stiffening up from where I was holding the pads and blocking his kicks. If I don't have bruises on my forearms tomorrow, it will be amazing. Next up, 1 kick, 2 clenched knees and another kick. Hands up folks! You drop your hands, you get a punch in the head. It's exhausting though. But what a great time and a great way to work up a sweat and keep your heart racing. I've gone to 10 classes now in Phase I and need roughly 30 classes before I can contemplate testing for Phase II. No rush though. It's all about practice, muscle memory, and technique. Without technique, power or speed mean nothing.

I'm contemplating taking a few months off after CWSF 2008. One of my plans right now is to take off to Thailand and spend a month in Phuket at a Muay Thai training camp. Then tour Asia (Thailand, Vietnam, Laos) and later head up to India and end in Nepal or on the Tibetan plateau. I figure by fall 2008, I will have all my loans paid off and could afford to take the time off (and, knowing what the 6 months leading up to and including the CWSF will be like, I will NEED to take the time off to recouperate). Provided my interest in Muay Thai continues, I would be well equipped (and have a high enough fitness level) to survive 6 hours of training per day in Thailand. What an experience that would be! Discipline and focus as its best.

On another note, sleep finally came to me around 3am this morning, partially aided by 1/2 a Nytol. I could have written more in my blog last night, but alot of what was running through my head was too personal and I wasn't feeling like sharing that much. Part of my thoughts came out in an MSN conversation earlier this evening, whether for better or worse. The rest of my thoughts came out in a very extensive email to my adopted big sister who will understand more than most. What would the world be like if everyone spoke their mind, didn't hide feelings, and were open and honest at all times? Would it be scary? Total chaos? I'm attempting to live my life in a completely open, honest state. A Banffer state to a point. Sometimes that may cause problems as some individuals cannot handle open and honest communication. A couple of years ago, I wasn't the most open person and did not welcome or invite open communication with me. I think I'm changing. I'd like to say I'm open, but I know I'm not all the time. My defences can be invoked very easily, even by people with whom I'm generally quite open. Doesn't take much either. I'm guarded, I know that. It's a fear of getting hurt, a fear of trusting.

Anyway, the next two days are spent at the Science & Technology Awareness Network annual meeting. Tomorrow is an afternoon of business/planning meetings. Political from what I've heard but will find out more tomorrow. Friday is all invited speakers, including the head of the British Association for the Advancement of Science, Sir Rolland Jackson, and others. I am very excited to hear Jackson speak. The BA is so far advanced compared to organizations here in Canada. We are badly in need of such an organization here.

Random yabbering, gerbils running strong

I started back at Muay Thai last night after a 5 week absence following a partial tear of my left calf muscle. In that short (?) time, I feel like I manage to lose all my strength and grace in movement. I was going every day back in September, and to lose all that time, it's like being a beginner again. But Kruu took it slow last night as there were alot of beginners in the class, and that was helpful - better to take it slow and make sure the calf is going to stand up to intense work again. So far so good. I went again today at noon and it feels good to be back at it. With the last couple of days, last week actually, of stress, getting back to beating the crap out of some pads feels kinda nice! Although my right foot and knee are bruised...

Been feeling very disoriented the last 2 weeks or so. I'm not sure what that can be attributed too - probably the incredible abundance of meetings and running around. I've not been in at the NHB more than a full day a week in the last while, spending most of my time at the university and the VMMB. It's been productive, but I feel like my cubicle has become simply a space for my coffee cups which are growing increasingly fuzzy in my absence. This week isn't going to be any better.

Thoughts circulating in my head at this point in time are revolving around men and relationships and how to deal with all of that, all the emotions involved. Dealing with emotions, bad or good, seems to get more complicated as the days and weeks go by.

See, now my brain has gone blank. This is what happens when you watch tv and blog at the same time!! Will now go focus my attention on the mindless tv.

533 days, 1 hr, 11 min

I found this little program called "time left" and have loaded it onto my computer. It is a clock, essentially, but will do a countdown to a certain day(s). I have set May 10th, 2008 as my target date and therefore it sits on my desktop, counting down the exact days, hours, minutes and seconds left until the first day of the 2008 CWSF. Okay, maybe that's a little obsessive?! A little panic-inducing initially, realizing we only have 553 days left to plan this event, but a little calming as well cause hey! we have 553 days left to plan this event!

Friday. This week is finally over. So thankful right now! I have a weekend to myself, for the first time in about 6 weeks. Long dog walks in the Park and leisurely coffee sessions are on the agenda. Actually, I do have science fair stuff to do - reorganize the schedule and finalize the list of rooms for UofO. And prepare a proposal for CASC 2007. Ugh, maybe this isn't going to be such a relaxing weekend after all!

Goggy lump scare - whew!

Life this week has moved too quickly for me to follow it entirely!! Meetings after lectures after meetings after labs and so on. But we've got alot done and hashed out re: CWSF 2008, which makes me a bit less nervous. Planning is coming along and we're switching gears in our fundraising plan a bit. On top of this, Abbey developed a 'lump' on the weekend while at Champ's place and this has had me panicked for the last 5 days. It feels kind of gel-like, but, rather than worrying about it, I brought him to the vet's this afternoon and he did a needle biopsy. He didn't remove alot from the infamous lump, just some blood. Given that it's not really solid, but more crater-like with a fluid/gel centre, he believes it's a haematoma from some sort of bump or bang. Not surprising since it formed this weekend and Abbey and Champ play pretty hard together. But at least having it checked out lets me relax. The big "C" is a scary thing for greyhound owners!

On another note, I went and got a third tattoo yesterday. It's on my right bicep, in pure black, and is the Buddhist mantra "Om Mani Padme Hum" (which translates, very loosely, to "Hail to the jewel in the centre of the lotus") in Tibetan script. It's 1" tall, and 3.5" wide, not visible when I have a t-shirt on.

Explanation of mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum
The first, Om is composed of three letters, A, U, and M. These symbolize the practitioner's impure body, speech, and mind; they also symbolize the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha.
Can impure body, speech, and mind be transformed into pure body, speech, and mind, or are they entirely separate? All Buddhas are cases of beings who were like ourselves and then in dependence on the path became enlightened; Buddhism does not assert that there is anyone who from the beginning is free from faults and possesses all good qualities. The development of pure body, speech, and mind comes from gradually leaving the impure states arid their being transformed into the pure.
How is this done? The path is indicated by the next four syllables. Mani, meaning jewel, symbolizes the factors of method-the altruistic intention to become enlightened, compassion, and love. Just as a jewel is capable of removing poverty, so the altruistic mind of enlightenment is capable of removing the poverty, or difficulties, of cyclic existence and of solitary peace. Similarly, just as a jewel fulfills the wishes of sentient beings, so the altruistic intention to become enlightened fulfills the wishes of sentient beings.
The two syllables, padme, meaning lotus, symbolize wisdom. Just as a lotus grows forth from mud but is not sullied by the faults of mud, so wisdom is capable of putting you in a situation of non-contradiction whereas there would be contradiction if you did not have wisdom. There is wisdom realizing impermanence, wisdom realizing that persons are empty, of being self-sufficient or substantially existent, wisdom that realizes the emptiness of duality-that is to say, of difference of entity between subject an object-and wisdom that realizes the emptiness of inherent existence. Though there are many different types of wisdom, the main of all these is the wisdom realizing emptiness.
Purity must be achieved by an indivisible unity of method and wisdom, symbolized by the final syllable hum, which indicates indivisibility. According to the sutra system, this indivisibility of method and wisdom refers to wisdom affected by method and method affected by wisdom. In the mantra, or tantric, vehicle, it refers to one consciousness in which there is the full form of both wisdom and method as one undifferentiable entity. In terms of the seed syllables of the five Conqueror Buddhas, hum is the seed syllable of Akshobhya - the immovable, the unfluctuating, that which cannot be disturbed by anything.
Thus the six syllables, om mani padme hum, mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha. It is said that you should not seek for Buddhahood outside of yourself; the substances for the achievement of Buddhahood are within.
Om Mani Pedme Hum (or Om Mani Pedme Hung), is the most common mantra in Tibet, recited by Buddhists, painted or carved on rocks, prayer wheels, or yak skulls and seen around most usually. Tibetan people, almost all Buddhists, do believe that it is very good to practice the mantra of Chenrezi, the Bodhisattva of Compassion (The protective deity of Tibet), which may, relieve negative karma, accumulate merit, help rescue them from the sea of suffering and achieve Buddhahood. Speaking the mantra loud or silently, spinning prayer wheels with the mantra, and carving mantra into stones are the usual practices.

Lobsters and dingleberries

Dingleberry: made of shit

Dinglefritz: full of shit

Had a great time in Truro, Nova Scotia this past weekend, visiting with the Canada-Wide Science Fair 2007 Host Committee and various YSF, NSFC and NJAC reps. It was actually alot of fun - it's not often we all see each other outside the week of chaos in May. Many beers were drunk over 2 days!! A bit of socializing on Friday night, followed by 12 hours of touring around their various facilities - accomodations, exhibit hall, meeting room rooms - and listening to reports from all of their subcommittee Director's. Steve, Chris and Mike should be very proud of themselves and their team - 2007 is going to be a great Fair. I can't wait!! It was interesting to see where they are at, 6 months out - the point we'll be at a year from now. Of all the people at the site visit, I think James and I got the most out of it. We have a shitload of work to do! Nose to the grindstone now and full steam ahead to May 2008.

Sunday was spent shuttling various people back and forth to the airport, and then we went out to Steve's place to visit and check out his horses. He has 200 acres and 8 horses. Fantastic. I've decided that as soon as my loans are paid off, I have to start saving and looking for a ranch. Must have horses.

Did you know that, as a result of the ban on liquids and gels at the airport, if you buy lobsters at the Halifax airport, they pack them in frozen veggies!! They were fantastic though - cooked them up last night and had a feast.

Hedgehog happiness

The inner hedgehog is enveloped by a warm, fuzzy, content feeling tonight. The inner hedgehog responds positively to members of its kind, even if it's just thru a brief phone call.

It's been a bit of a frustrating day, an interesting day, one that has opened my eyes to many things at my work place, which is a good thing.

I had a chance to talk to someone today about "The Cave" at the Banff Centre and the Tulips!. The concept of the Cave and the theatre is fine, but try explaining the story!! Oh my. Apparently it is from a book by Jeanette Winterson. I'm going to have to get this book sometime. I like some of the other writing she has done. One of my favorite quotes is from her, given to me by my big sister:

"The heart beat back so many times that it finds its only home in isolation.The isolated heart, that in protecting itself from pain, loses so much of beauty and buys its survival at the cost of its life."

Crap.

Ever have one of those 10 minutes in an evening where everything is going along fine and then WHAM! You get crushed for some unknown reason except for the fact that the world is way too small of a place?!

A commune. I think that's the answer. A dysfunctional cynical science communicator commune where no one belongs to anyone else, all feelings are out in the open, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Blood donors

This morning, I took Abbey to his first blood donor clinic, operated by LifeStream Animal Blood Bank, organized by Greyhound Supporters of the National Capital Region. What a great initiative!! LifeStream provides blood and blood products to canines all around the world who require transfusions.

Abbey was a great donor. He accepted the needle without hesitation, and promptly lay down on the table. A sample of his blood was extracted initially to determine his blood type [he is DEA 1.1 Positive - (where DEA stands for Dog Erythrocyte Antigens) - only 5% of dogs are this blood type], his hematocrit level (60, excellent for a greyhound - normal dogs have hematocrit levels between 35 and 55), and tested for heartworm (negative). For 19 min, he was then able to relax on the table while 375 mL of blood was removed from his body in the same manner that is done with humans. He was very complacent throughout the procedure, and only became agitated at the end of the session when he knew that 6 of his friends were playing in the living room! In return for his quarterly donation, he will receive free blood transfusions for life, if he ever requires one (hopefully not), a tag for his collar with his blood type, and a complete CBC report (red and white blood cells, platelets) after each donation. His blood will go to help another dog anywhere in the world.

1st French class

J'ai fini, je fini, je vais finir, etc. etc. etc. First day of the start of governmental french class. I think I would have been a little more comprehensible if I hadn't felt so shitty with this cold!! I'm hoping this Sudbury plague is going to break soon. It's amazing how quickly you lose a second language when you don't use it all that much. When I was living in Paris, I was quite fluent, able to hold my own even at the lunch room table and follow the conversation. Now? Yeesh. Where did the knowledge all go? Maybe I should start writing emails to Francois again. No no no no no. Gotta be a better way. :)

Abbey is unbearable tonight - he's whining contstantly, fidgeting, and wants out for a long walk but it's raining and I feel shitty so we went for a short walk. Mr. Whiney Head. He's such a drama queen (king?) at times! He's bored, but won't play with his toys. I'll take him for a run tomorrow morning and hope that gets this boredom out of his system.

Dinos and Neo Citrin

Well, still suffering through this cold here, but with the aid of my good friend Neo Citrin, it seems to be staying at the same intensity and hasn't knocked me off my feet yet.

I came home and slept for 3 hours this afternoon! I was completely exhausted. Spent the afternoon at the university while my students did their midterm exam. Next on the day's agenda was a meeting with Gilles' schools program subcommittee chair. Argh. Chairing a large committee has certainly been a learning experience! I'll stop here otherwise this will turn into a rant. Some days, I'm not worried about CWSF 2008. Other days, well... those are the sleepless ones!! James and I are headed to Truro next weekend for a site visit and Host Committee meetings. I'm hoping this dispels some of my nervousness. Anyone out there want to donate $500,000 to a good cause?!! Youth science!! Come on now, step right up and donate!

Got a really nice email from a Sudbury music friend this morning, put a smile on my face and brought on a warm, fuzzy feeling (no, no Neo Citrin effects!). Good friends, that's what life is all about. In the long run, what else matters?

Myers-Briggs test - ISFP

Back in Ottawa, on the third attempt to travel down the snowy highway. It's still a winter wonderland between Hagar and North Bay, but at least the drive back was sunny and clear. A long drive though - I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffy nose so was fighting fatigue all the way back. It did give me a chance to debrief from the last couple of days. Stopped off at the ballpark to give the puppy a run, then came straight home, unpacked a bit, and then went to get some groceries. Gonna be a short evening - Neo Citrin on the menu for a nightcap! Lots to do in the next couple of weeks, so getting sick is not an option right now - gallery opening, science fair meetings, random talks, and getting my 2nd year midterm exam written.

I took a Myers-Briggs personality test last night and turn out to be "ISFP" - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving = Introverted Feeling with Extroverted Sensing. I think it fits pretty well actually. Thoughts?

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

ISFP Relationships
ISFPs are warmhearted, gentle people who take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships. They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others. This may cause them to constantly defer to their mates in their intimate relationships, which may cause problems if their mates are not extremely aware of the ISFP's feelings. Some ISFPs who are in the habit of not expressing their needs and feelings find themselves in situations throughout their life where they feel overshadowed, overlooked, or even "tread upon" by others. Highly practical and cynical by nature, these feelings may cause the ISFP to become bitter, and to either give up on their relationships, or to start using their relationships for their own personal gain. Although this problem is observed sometimes in the ISFP type, it does not seem to be present in those ISFPs who consistently express their feelings to those closest to them. These ISFPs have a very positive, warm outlook on life and love, and are not as likely to find themselves in relationships where they are taken for granted or taken advantage of. ISFPs go to great lengths to please their partners. They're very loyal and supportive, with a deep capacity for love. They detest conflict and discord, and highly value being seen and understood for who they are. They need space to live their lives in their own unique way, and will respect other's need for space.

ISFP Strengths
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Usually optimistic
Good listeners
Good at dealing with practical day-to-day concerns
Flexible and laid-back, usually willing to defer to their mates
Their love of aesthetic beauty and appreciation for function makes them likely to have attractive, functional homes
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Likely to value and respect other's personal space
Likely to enjoy showing their affection through acts and deeds
Sensuous and earthy

ISFP Weaknesses
Not good at long-range financial (or other) planning
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Focused on enjoying the present moment, they may appear lazy or slow-moving at times
Need to have their own space, and dislike having it invaded
May be slow to show their affection with words
Tendency to hold back their thoughts and feelings, unless drawn out
May become overly cynical and practical

ISFPs as Lovers
"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May
ISFPs are warm and giving people, who have a depth of emotion and caring which is not often obvious to others, except those who know them extremely well. They are usually intense people, who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously. Unlike other SP types, people with the ISFP type desire and seek lifelong, committed relationships.
ISFPs may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable then most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations. If the ISFP falls into the habit of not communicating their feelings with their partner, this could cause serious problems in the relationship over the long haul.
Sexually, the ISFP approaches intimacy with complete attention, seriousness and depth. They experience lovemaking through their senses, and welcome the chance to interact with their mate at this level. They are not likely to express their feelings verbally, believing that actions speak louder than words.
ISFPs need positive affirmation to be happy and feel good about themselves. They need to be praised, although they are usually uncomfortable with "gushy" praise. The greatest gift their partners can give them is the expression of their affection and admiration.

Contributions to the team of an ISFP
In a team environment, the ISFP can contribute by:

• solving problems as they arise, especially ones concerning people
• generating team spirit through promoting co-operation, and engendering a quiet sense of fun
• ensuring the well-being of team members
• being accurate and observant about facts, without putting too much interpretation on them
• modelling flexibility - e.g.: suggesting his/her own ideas, but being considerate of others points of view and going with the majority
• paying attention to the people side of the problem

The potential ways in which an ISFP can irritate others include:

• being too concerned with harmony in the group
• not pushing the ISFP's own ideas and contribution enough
• being stubborn over issues the group did not anticipate being a problem
• avoiding conflict and not giving forthright criticism when it is needed
• focusing so much on interpersonal issues that cost and other impersonal considerations are not adequately addressed
• perhaps failing to take a longer term view
• taking people at face value and not recognising underlying motives

Personal Growth

As with all types, the ISFP can achieve personal growth by developing all functions that are not fully developed, through actions such as:

• being prepared to declare the ISFP's personal values
• interpreting the facts they observe to reveal hidden meanings
• undertaking a critical appraisal of a situation or person, and expressing disagreement or criticism when it could be of value to the recipient
• establishing a long term goal, developing a outline plan for achieving it, and working towards it
• listing options and undertaking a formal process of evaluation against criteria, including a cost benefit analysis

Recognising Stress
As stress increases, 'learned behaviour' tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISFP will behave more according to type when under greater stress. For example, in a crisis, the ISFP might:

concentrate on what the ISFP sees as important

work alone if possible

act impulsively and take risks

fail to consider the cost implications

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the ISFP's shadow may appear - a negative form of ENTJ. Example characteristics are:

• being very critical and finding fault with almost everything
• becoming bossy and ignoring others' feelings
• having a very pessimistic view of the future
• see hidden meanings that are not really there

The shadow is part of the unconscious that is often visible to others, onto whom the shadow is projected. The ISFP may therefore readily see these faults in others without recognising it in him/her self.

Winter comes early to the north

Snowed-in in Sudbury still. I tried to leave this morning - got as far as Hagar (for you non-Sudbury people, that's about 45 km up Hwy 17 East) and discovered blizzard conditions, white-outs, and the highway covered in snow and slush. Needless to say, as much as I would like to get home today, and even though I have my snowtires on, I was not prepared to spent 6 hours fighting my way through white-outs just to get back in time for ball hockey. I turned around and came back to spend one more night here. Boredom has set in. The dog is ancy and bored as well as it's pouring rain and sleet here so going for a walk isn't terribly fun or comfortable.

Of communicators and musicians

Currently snowed in in Sudbury - blizzard conditions on and off here, and the highways north are closed due to an accident and white-out conditions. Conditions headed east to Ottawa are not much better and snow squall warnings are in effect in North Bay. Thus, I'm spending one more day in Sudbury, catching up on email and reading.

The last two days have been a completely cathartic experience, in a good way. I spent the entire day at Science North yesterday, once again sitting in on the lectures for the science communications program. This time, a lecture on values given by Dr. Dave, which raised alot of interesting points and I've come away with a pile of reading. Lunch again in Landings, this time surrounded by staff scientists who I've known for years - Alan, Jennifer, Nicole, Franco, Chantal. It was a homecoming experience! I was trying to calculate how long I've known these people for - about 15 years. Time flies. I took the opportunity after to visit Andy at the university after being at SN - a common link between Sudbury and Ottawa, the one person who has followed me through that transition.

My talk in the afternoon, all 1.5 hours of it, was partially for the students' benefit, partially for my own benefit in needing to get Banff out in the open, sharing my experience with other science communicators who understand, who can appreciate the topics and knowledge gained. It was an excellent way to set everything straight in my mind as it forced me to step back and summarize the main messages that we learned. My method of doing this was taking our manifesto and creating three main sub-manifestos: Be a scientist, Evoke emotion, and Be aware of your audience. Within those three subgroupings, I was able to stress individual points and give examples. I very much enjoyed having the opportunity to present not only to the students, but to Chantal and Dave as well. I'm very glad that they invited me and look forward to working with them in the future.

In the evening, I switched gears entirely and went to Lasalle Secondary to the Brass Choir practice. Talk about a time warp!! I haven't been into my old alma mata in many, many years. I walked into the upstairs music room to find Roger there (who now conducts the Brass Choir) and it evoked a whole slew of emotions, all good, all comforting. I'm not going to gloss anything over and say that highschool was the most amazing experience, as it wasn't - I was a pretty messed up kid in highschool!! But the music department saved me, it was home for me, with students and teachers alike as close friends. 15 years later, both Dick and Roger are the ones who I still see, still talk to, and last night made me realize how much I miss being around both of them regularly. It comes back to realizing how important close friends are to me, and these two have been with me through good and bad for many, many years and I feel a great deal of affection and emotion when I do see them.

More later.