A home without a dog, too painful to deal with

The last few days have been very difficult. Coming home to an empty, dog-free house is unbelievably hard and heart-wrenching. I haven't been able to put away Abbey's bowls or collars yet - they remain where they always have. I did pick up the blankets and fold them, but haven't removed them from the living room. Last night, I slept with his fleece jacket beside me. It's slight comfort in an otherwise horrible time. It's amazing how much a dog becomes part of your life, infiltrates every minute of the day. I'm lost in the evening - what do you mean I don't have to go out for a walk in the evening? Or have to fight for space to put my legs on the couch? It's just wrong. Last night I decided that I would self-medicate with a baguette, some cheese and pate. Not the healthiest, but oh well. I had the cheese rind scraped off and was turning it around to offer it to Abbey. Nope. No dripping eager nose there to greet me. That hurt. Everything hurts. Not being greeted at the door when I come home. Not having a warm fuzzy body pressed up against me at night.

One of my best friends was supposed to come with me on Monday to the vet's, to offer support and comfort on that horrible day. At midnight the night before, he sends me an email saying he can't come with me, that his accompanying me had become a source of tension between he and his wife. That threw me for a loop. I was pissed off, angry, sad, hurt, confused, you name it. This is someone who has been like a father and brother and best friend to me for years and years and years. The last person in the world who I would have expected to abandon and desert me at such a horrible time. Someone who I never thought would hurt me.

So on top of losing Abbey, I feel like I'm now also losing one of my best friends. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions and thinking the worst for the situation. Maybe he has a good reason for reneging on me and I should hear him out. He said that we need to talk and he'll explain. I'm not sure I want to hear the explanations. He says I haven't done anything wrong. Then why WHY do such a shitty thing to me?

I've tried to keep busy in the last couple of days. Spent Monday and yesterday at the gym, just hanging out. I'm too exhausted to train. Yesterday I helped drill metal for the new ring. Today I've come in to work not because I feel like working or have any sort of focus, but simply because I don't want to be at home and don't know what to do. I went to bed around 9pm last night, but didn't sleep well at all. I promised myself I would stop medicating myself with homemade wine - although it helps me sleep, it's not a good cure for pain and only ceases to make my head hurt the next morning. And it's a bad habit to slip into given my genetics. I actually considered driving to Toronto today and dropping in at my brother's place. I chatted with him last night. They are trying to figure out how to explain to my nephew about Abbey. Not easy. I can't even explain it to myself much less a 5 year old.

In Memory of Abbey

Abbey,
You came into my life when I most needed you, at a time when I was lost, uncertain, and needed someone to love, unconditionally. At a time when you needed a forever home, someone to love you unconditionally. When I first saw your photo on the GRA site, you immediately stole my heart - that goofy look that was with you until the end. You were the light of my life, my heart dog, my reason for being even on the darkest days. You taught me how to love again, to be soft and gentle and happy. If any dog and owner can be perfectly matched, I believed it happened to us. I will never forget you. The day you first learned how to master stairs. The day you figured out glass doors. The very first day you play bowed and truly opened up to me. Your first day at camp learning that you couldn't walk on water. The many play sessions in the park, running and wrestling with me, so happy and free. The way you would put out your paw in the middle of the night just to check I was still there, and get a hand in return. So many firsts we went through together and I will never forget you through it all. My big goofy goober boy, I love you so much. I couldn't let you continue in pain so chose to set you free, to run and chase the squirrels forever. The house is so empty, so quiet. So lonely. I don't know what it's like to have the couch or the bed to myself. I don't want it to myself. If I could wave a magic wand and have you back, whole and healthy, I would. I am so, so sorry. You were too young to leave this world. It hurts so bad to lose you, but I will never forget you. You touched so many peoples' hearts - everyone always commented on what an amazing, handsome and social boy you were. In my eyes, you are perfect. We needed each other more than either of us knew. More than I knew, that's for sure. Because now I am empty, lost, and heart-broken. But I am a better person to have had you in my life. The grief I feel now is a direct function of the love I feel for you.

Abbey, I love you, I miss you, I always will, and you will forever be in my heart.

Northern Abbey
25/08/2002 - 29/12/2008

black day

today is a very black day.

i have to put my dog to sleep.

and one of my best friends abandoned me.

what's the point.

Movies and wine

Sitting here drinking home made wine and watching "Bridget Jones, Edge of Reason". For the millionth time. I have read this book, and the previous one, way too many times. I bought both originally in Paris, France, at W.H. Smith, the only really good English bookstore in Paris. I just finished watching "Tropic Thunder" (well worth it) and now this was on, so am catching the finish of it. Again, for the millionth time. Although personally, I think Hugh Grant is much better looking than Colin Firth.

Paris. I'm headed back there in September. Whether for good or bad, I don't know. It might be good to live in another country again. Live, not just travel. And I do miss Paris. I wonder if my apartment is still available? I'll have to email my landlord and find out. Thankfully I never did put those goldfish in her baseboards as Andy suggested. Oh man, I would have loved to though. Especially after the evening I had Francois and Josh over for supper. That would have been perfect. She was evil.

I haven't thought about France in a while. Let's trade one bad situation for another shall we?! It's called avoidance and running away. And I'm damn good at it!! But right now, seems like such an excellent idea. Go to France, eat, drink and be merry. Nope, substitute merry for fucked over.

Okay, yup, a bit squiffy on home made wine, I'll admit. Time to put away the computer and not write emails or blog posts!!!

So. Friday night at the Piilonen residence - homemade Petit Syrah and pay-per-view movies. Not quite sure what else to do actually. In a bit of a mess, unsure what to do about the puppy, trying to get through the holidays without being totally bitter and unhappy.

So many issues, so little wine. uh, time.

I realized yesterday that I have a problem forming deep relationships with women.

Why, dear snark, did this revelation occur to me during this festive season? Only because I've been getting to know better a friend who I fortunately met accidentally a while back and with whom I clicked immediately. We come from the same background and, I think instinctively understand each other. Ah, the bonding power of being an Adult Child of an Alchoholic and totally dysfunctional!! Anyway, in the process, I've realized that when the relationship becomes a bit more close, with a female, I tend to get a bit freaked out and unsure. There's no reason for it either, but it's a very real reaction.

I did a bit of an inventory of close female friends in the years. Best friends. There have been a couple through highschool and university (LH and EC and MG come first to mind during highschool, undergrad and grad), but my natural inclination is towards developing more intimate relationships with guys. I suspect part of the problem (and here I am psychoanalysing myself) is that I have not had good female role models and never really had the opportunity to develop female-female relationships in my family. Well, hell, I never really formed any sort of relationship with anyone in my family!! I didn't have male role models in my family, but I did have a number of good ones outside of the family to whom I attached myself like superglue, sometimes to disasterous ends, but that's a tale for another post.

My recent experience with a female who I considered to be a long-lost big sister, someone who I loved dearly and would have done anything for, ended in disaster. Partially me being more demanding and needy than she could handle. For a very select number of people, yes, I am extremely intense because I would lay my life down for them. Not that I consciously expect the same from them, but that's how deep my loyalty goes. Very few people. Partially her being unable to open up fully and being unable to trust. We'd start discussions, very frank, open and honest discussions about life, and bam! The wall would go up. And my! what a thick wall it was too!! I haven't talked to her in months, since May, except for a brief email last week to tell her about Abbey. Part of me would like to have her back in my life. Part of me knows that if she does come back in my life, I will be tromped on and hurt once again.

Why bring this up now? Because I'm having issues with one female friend. I should learn not to mix friend groups. I should be more conscious of the fact that I protect certain relationships and get a bit jealous of them. This person is normal, from what I can tell. Meaning she's from a happy home with no serious personality flaws. Which, unfortunately, means she will never fully understand me. I think she accepts me, although maybe finds me difficult and gets confused. But it makes it hard for me because she'll never understand. I tend to feel very smothered by her and therefore I start pulling away. I've also introduced two streams of friends and now they interact, which makes me uncomfortable to be with the 4 of them (5th wheel syndrome) simply because I have huge insecurity issues with one of them anyway. I know I should be confident and secure in both relationships, they are all important. Or are they.

But not all relationships are created equal, and one of them also has an underlying natural understanding bred of the strange bond I mentioned above, the ACA and dysfunctionality commonality. It's a force that you cannot ignore. I am drawn towards ACA types, finding in them a natural understanding, acceptance and a much easier time of opening up to them. I look at my relationship with S, and by association, J. That is a relationship which is more important to me than anything and they know more about me than most anyone else on the planet. And vice versa.

It was offered to me that this person, the normal female above, could drive me to the vet's when the time comes to let Abbey go. I didn't know how to respond. I have three choices of whom I want with me at that time, S, A or B. She wasn't on that list. I know it's a very nice offer, I appreciate it, but I need one of my cornermen with me, one of the guys who has been with me through hell and back, who always has my back and vice versa. That's what I need on that particular day. And A has already offered. I look at who I go to when I break down and hit rock bottom. That is the person I want with me on the day I have to let go of my beloved puppy. The person I will not be ashamed to cry hysterically in front of and who I would let comfort me. I don't let everyone comfort me. I won't accept it. I have to trust them and want them to comfort me. Otherwise, I will do nothing but pull away. And fast.

Relationships. They are never perfect and always more one-sided than equal. I accept that.

Merry xmas

Merry Christmas to all. I'm sitting here watching my puppy attack the remote control for the DVD player. No, I'm not stopping him because it's funny and cute and it's awesome to watch him play (even if it means at the cost of the remote). He's in a good mood, regardless of the fall he took on the ice this morning (when I almost had a heart attack thinking that he's certainly going to break his leg). I alternate between crying hysterically over him and cherishing every moment. I had a long chat with Andre yesterday about the situation. When I bluntly asked him what he would do, he said he would let Abbey go out on a good note, not let the disease take him over and cause him pain or suffering. That is similar to my thoughts as well, but then I look at him chewing on the remote and realize how people can put off the inevitable because of their own emotions. But I'm afraid of him suffering, of breaking his leg or having possible internal tumors causing problems. Andre also very astutely vocalized my guilt complex and put my mind at ease. I guess I've been waiting and waiting for someone to tell me that I'm selfish and horrible and evil and not compassionate and irresponsible. I keep expecting this response when I talk about letting him go after the holidays, earlier rather than later. I think I subconcioulsy want this negative reaction because I feel so shitty.

He's been dealt a death sentence and all I can do is make sure he doesn't feel pain. I fear doing this too soon. I fear worse doing this too late. I don't think there can be a right time. One day of pain is too much when there is no cure.

But I still feel like shit. And the more I talk to people, the more confused and miserable I get. The more I sit here with my puppy, the harder I want to hold on to him and never let him go. So I sit here crying, but trying not to show him that I'm upset because he will pick up on it.

The Spirit of a Greyhound

The Spirit Of A Greyhound

I was standing on a hillside in a field of blowing wheat,
and the spirit of a Greyhound was lying at my feet.
He looked at me with kind dark eyes, ancient wisdom shining through.
in the essence of his being, I saw the love there too.
His mind did lock upon my heart as I stood there on that day,
and he told me of this story about a place so far away.
As I stood upon that hillside in a field of blowing wheat,
in a twinkling of a second his spirit left my feet.
His tale did put my heart at ease, all my fears did fade away
about what lay ahead of me on another distant day.
"I live among God's creatures now in the heavens of your mind,
so do not grieve for me, my friend as I am with my kind.
My collar is a rainbow's hue, my leash a shooting star.
my boundaries are the Milky Way where I sparkle from afar.
There are no pens or kennels here for I am not confined,
but I'm free to roam God's heavens among the Greyhound kind.
I nap the day on a snowy cloud gentle breezes rocking me,
and dream the dreams of earthlings, and how it used to be.
The trees are full of liver treats, and tennis balls abound,
and milk bones line the walkways just waiting to be found.
There even is a ring set up, the grass all lush and green;
and everyone who gaits around becomes the Best of Breed.
For we're all winners in this place; we have no faults, you see.
and God passes out those ribbons to each one, even me.
I drink from waters laced with gold, my world a beauty to behold;
and wise old dogs do form my pride to amble at my very side.
At night I sleep in angel's arms, her wings protecting me,
and moonbeams dance about us as stardust falls on thee.
So when your life on earth is spent and you stand at Heaven's gate,
have no fear of loneliness-- for here, you know, I wait."

-Author Unknown

Dealing with cancer

The last 10 days have been very difficult. As far as Christmas holidays go, this one is starting to take over the #1 spot for "Worst Christmas Ever". It is almost passing the good old Christmas of 2004 when I began my mental breakdown and period of suicidal depression that lasted, at its worst level, for 6 months, and persisted to lesser degrees for 2 years. However, and I cannot often say this! This horrible Christmas has nothing to do with dysfunctional family members! That's a first!

Abbey, my beloved furbaby, has bone cancer. Bone hemangiosarcoma to be exact. If you want to discuss nasty cancers, this one is the monster of all nasty cancers, the ring leader. It is actually a blood cancer which moves throughout the body and can affect the bones, organs or skin. With Abbey, it's shown up on his rear left tibia, right above the hock. He's got a golf-ball sized tumor there, hard, swollen. X-rays and a fine needle aspiration were done to give a diagnosis. I could have a needle biopsy done as well, but given the location and the fragility of the bone, the likelihood is that the bone would fracture.


It's a situation I hope no one ever has to go through - a pet dying well before their time. He's 6 years, 3 months and is happy and, otherwise, healthy. He ate all his breakfast and supper today, and wants to go for walkies and go out and play in the snow. He wants to run and romp and wrestle like we normally do. But I can't let him - he might fracture his leg and that would be game over.

The only solution to this disease is amputation and chemotherapy. I've chosen, for a variety of reasons, not to go this route. For one, it's not a cure. If the cancer has metastasized, amputation would only prolong the inevitable. Secondly, although I think Abbey would actually handle the amputation itself like a trooper (ie. he'd make a fine tripod), past experience has shown that he does not do well under anesthetic nor with drugs. And chemo, hell, I can't even imagine what that would do to him. Most dogs get very sick as it is. I don't think he'd do well and I can't imagine putting him through it. Lastly, the total cost for amputation and chemo is on the order of $4000 to $6000. That's not including any possible complications. My credit card is max'd out, as is my line of credit. I have no savings (trying to pay off all loans), and I don't own a house so can't get a loan. I'm a single income "parent". I simply can't afford it. Now if I knew that yes, there was a true cure out there, that he would be in my life for many more years, I would find the money. I would return my Thailand ticket and not go over to Asia. I would do my hardest to do something. But that's not the case. Increased life spans after amp+chemo are on the order of 6-12 months on average. That's not quality of life.


I have been in regular contact with the Greyhound Wellness program at the Ohio State Veterinary College. They are the experts in greyhound bone cancer and bleeding disorders. Once the fine needle aspiration was done last Tuesday, I sent all the x-rays and the samples down to Ohio via FedEx. I spent 4 nervous days waiting for them to email with results. The diagnosis that we originally had, osteosarcoma, was increased to bone hemangiosarcoma. Since then, I've been back and forth with them about what to do. However, they are pretty insistent on doing the amputation and a course of chemo. In the USA, retired racers get free chemo. For a 90 lb dog like Abbey, that's $300 per dose, with 10-20 doses. Here in Canada, we don't qualify for that program, even though he's originally from New Hampshire, because the Canadian government won't allow the USA drugs across the border. Go figure.

There are many greyhound discussion forums out there, and since bone cancer is the most prevalent cancer in greys, alot of discussion focuses around to amp or not. Alot of people go the amputation route, alot don't. I suspect that many who don't simply do not post on the forum as they feel as guilty as I feel right now. I have huge pools of guilt building up right now - that I'm a bad doggy parent, irresponsible, uncaring, horrible, evil, mean, etc. You name it, I've called myself those bad terms. I don't want my baby to die. If I could have him with me forever, I would. He's my heart and soul, my best friend, he came into my life when I needed a lifejacket and someone to teach me to be whole and happy again. But I can't put him through pain and torture of which he won't understand at all. All I can do is love him and promise him that I won't let him suffer. But the guilt!! Oh my god!! It's killing me.

I'm supposed to leave for Thailand at the end of January. I shouldn't be looking that far forward. I don't suspect that we have that long together. But I have to ask myself - am I a horribly selfish person for not canceling the trip RIGHT NOW and not going? What happens if he's still in good shape by then? Even though I know the stats for this cancer, how fast it moves, I still berate myself and ask myself these unfair questions which I know serve no purpose other than to make me feel more guilty and self-flagelate, something I have a knack for.

One thing this whole horrid ordeal has taught me is how important certain people are in my life. It's brought me closer to a number of people, let me open up a bit more. It's brought me into contact with other greyhound owners who have gone through the same experience, total strangers who are willing to open their hearts and homes to another grey owner experiencing the pain of dealing with cancer. I had an invite to Christmas Eve dinner that I never, ever expected and for which I will forever be grateful and cherish, even though I had to turn it down as I already had plans to go to Scott's.

I've never had to put a pet to sleep before. I've never had a dying pet. I don't know what to expect, how to react, what to do. The worst part is waiting. But I think waiting is a bad term. I will cherish each day I have with him, love him and cuddle him and feed him any treats he wants. I won't let anything hurt him and I will have to be strong for him and let him go when he's ready. This is the hardest thing I could do. Everyone says this is the biggest demonstration of love you can give a pet, but it's the hardest thing in the world to do because you do love them so much.

Waiting

Waiting has to be the worst thing in the world. Tomorrow Abbey goes in to get a fine needle aspiration to determine what is causing the lump on his hock. When that is done, I will immediately FedEx his x-rays down to Ohio State Veterinary College where they have a greyhound cancer expert. They will read the x-rays and let me know what they think. It's always good to have a second (or third or fourth) opinion.

I went to the gym tonight and hit the heavy bag. Maybe that was a bad idea as my foot is nowhere near to being healed. But Muay Thai is my stress-relief mechanism and not being able to train in such a stressful time is just too much. So I hit the bag and will deal with the consequences tomorrow - not being able to walk in the morning.

Waiting for results after the FNA is going to be brutal. I will have to find something to keep myself occupied and busy. And I have to work on Saturday, which is even worse. Right now, going to Sudbury for the holidays is up in the air. It will all depend on the results of the FNA.

This type of stress makes everything else that has been lurking below the surface rise up and boil over. I'm on edge, my emotions are raw and not entirely under control. I can be at work, but I have to be careful who I go near and who I talk to. On top of it, Christmas sucks anyway. This time of year always sends me into a depressive dive.

Of dogs and (wo)men

It's been a very trying, emotionally draining last 3 days. Ignoring the fact that the Christmas season brings about its own depressive streak in me, on Wednesday I discovered a lump on Abbey's rear left hock. He's been limping a bit, and in the last couple of weeks hasn't been jumping up on the bed easily, and shifting uncomfortably on the couch during the night. It's not like him to not sleep soundly during the night. Wednesday, he was visibly avoiding putting weight on his rear foot, and when I examined the leg, I found that his hock was horribly swollen. But not swollen in a soft-tissue type way - this swelling is very hard, bony. I immediately called my vet and booked an appointment for the next day.

Thursday when I brought him in, Dr. Mamdani didn't even hesitate is suggesting an x-ray be done asap - no fucking around. And blood work. I left Abbey there (he had to be sedated for the x-ray) and went to keep myself busy for 2 hours before I could go back and get him and the results. By this time, I was a wreak - bawling, shaking, scared shitless. I know the stats for cancer in greyhounds and the lump wasn't good at all. I went to the university and luckily Andre was there. I spent a tearful hour in Andre's office, trying to explain the situation. I was a total mess, feeling helpless.

I went back to get Abbey and the x-ray results. Not good. There is a definite abnormal growth and mottling on the tibia. Dr. Mamdani even did a chest x-ray (which confirmed to me that he was concerned) as osteosarcoma metastasizes into the lungs very quickly but that was clear. Looking at the x-rays was hard, knowing full well something is wrong. We decided to wait for the bloodwork results and then see what a course of anti-inflammatories does.

Friday was just fucking brutal. It was our annual mineral sciences piss-up, which is always fun, but this year I just couldn't get into it. I went for lunch with them all, and was able to relax and keep my mind partially off Abbey. During lunch, I was able to contact the vet's office and found out that the blood work was clean - no abnormalities showed up. At home, I spent most of the afternoon contacting our greyhound organization president, and the greyhound expert at Ohio State University. The only sure test that will confirm cancer is either a biopsy or a fine needle aspiration. A biopsy is dangerous - it has complications, has to be done under anesthetic, and can cause fractures if the bone is already corroded. Either method is $$$$$. I just can't afford it right now - the x-rays and bloodwork alone took away all money I had. Luckily, fortunately, the GSNCR offered to cover the costs of an aspiration. They are now my Christmas angel. So tuesday morning, he'll have the aspiration and we'll have definite results, for better or worse.

Friday supper was out at in China town and, for me, it was 2 hours of mixed emotions, with me feeling completely like a 5th wheel again and fighting old insecurities with one of my male role models. I can't conquer my insecurities with him, I can't figure out if he likes me at all or simply puts up with me.

After dinner, I found my mineral guys and went and had a couple of beers with them. That made me feel alot better. Being with Scott made me feel so much better. With him, I don't have to pretend, I can be insecure but know that it's okay and he understands, I don't have to be strong or confident or normal or live up to expectations. I can be myself, no matter how fucked up and dysfunctional that is. And I realized late last night how important these guys are to me, and that I've been neglecting them and our relationships lately. I've been trying to figure out another relationship and have ignore the ones that I do have confidence in. I drove Scott home, although way out of my way, simply because I wanted to talk with him. The last couple of months have been brutal and I haven't had a chance to really talk with him. This nightmare with Abbey has made me realize that I need to stay closer to those that really matter, who don't make me feel insecure and jealous and fucked up and diminished and insulted.

Sigh. not alot of fun here right now. Broke, stressed, fucked up. I went back to the vet's today to talk about the bloodwork and get Abbey and injection of an anti-inflammatory. My vet has been awesome throughout this. Today he gave me a hug before I left. Fuck, I can't even get that much condolence and support from other people who I think are friends.

The next couple of days are going to be hard. The needle aspiration is on Tuesday morning. I don't know how long it takes to get results. I hope before christmas. Merry fucking Christmas.

Chaos in Thailand

Over the last week, PAD demonstrators have taken over the two main airports in Bangkok (see this online paper for more info: The Nation). Subsequently, more than 1/4 million passengers have been stranded, either stuck at the airports, in near-by hotels, or on random buses and trains to various other small airports to be flown, maybe, out to other large Asian cities. Put simply, the city is in a mess. The country is on edge, tense, and the possibility of a coup looms large on the horizon. Today, a bomb exploded at Don Mueng, killing one person. Luckily, hopefully, December 5th is the King's birthday - I hope that he makes a special plea to PAD to get the hell out of the airports and let normal routine continue. Let Thailand salvage some of the tourist industry for this year. Most countries are issuing travel warnings.

Any normal person would think twice about traveling in such a climate - political instability in the capital, Muslim-Buddhist unreset in the southern regions, and flooding along the eastern coast.

Nope, not me! I've had a number of people ask if I'm worried or if I'm considering cancelling. Other than "no way", my other response is that it actually makes traveling more interesting. In Bangkok, it's fine - there is no random violence, certainly none directed at tourists, and it's more of a "wrong place, wrong time" scenario. Don't go looking for trouble and you'll be fine. Stay away from the political buildings in town and it's not a problem. Provided the protests at the airports are ended and the planes start flying again, it's all good. Thailand has to deal with their political problems and we can't sit here and complain that their issues are ruining our holidays, which I have seen and read way too much in the news, mainly by Brits and Americans.

So no, nothing is going to deter me or scare me off from returning to Thailand in January. Yes, it could be more interesting than last year in terms of ease of travel, but hey! Could be fun! As for getting "stuck" in Thailand, like other tourists are complaining of - oh darn! Such a hard life! Grab an extra towel and head to the beaches. I would be happy to be stuck in Thailand - it's not like your employer could fault you for not being at work!!

Foot issues - to fight or not to fight

Sitting here watching any and all movies I own that have Thailand as a film location. I know, pathetic. But I'm anxious to leave and travel some more!! Anxious to get out of the bloody cold actually! It's been fridgid out there. I would prefer that it snows - that way, at least I can get out and ski. Maybe.

I have a decision to make - to fight or not to fight on January 10th. The problem is my foot. It is fucked up. I think it's a combination of plantar faciitis and a heel bruise (bone or otherwise). It's been bothering me since August when I simultaneously took up squash and sprint/hill training. The combination of the two aggrevated the tendons and ever since, it's been agony. I can't walk when i get up in the morning - it's stiff and horribly painful. Now, when I do train, kicking hurts - the impact tweaks the tendon and muscle and feels like it's being stripped off my foot. Running, well, just the thought of that is enough to make me wince. The pounding is really hard on the bottom of my foot and it takes days to recoup from one run.

I agreed to fight in Throwdown in January. January 10th. Which means that, as of today, I have 7 weeks to train and prep for that fight. My conditioning sucks as I haven't kept up my running regularly. For a normal student, it's fine. For a fighter, it sucks. I need to get that back up to standard, which means running. Cycling just won't do it. And with the cold weather and snow, there's no way I can cycle outside - that means bringing out my trainer and cycling inside in the apartment.

My decision right now is this: do I fight or do I pull my name and not fight.

I want to fight. That's not up for debate. But I don't want to destroy my foot and risk doing some serious damage to it. I have a suspicion I have already damaged something beyond a minor injury.

But telling Kruu that I want my name pulled, that feels like wimping out. That feels like I'm just avoiding the work required to fight in January - the blood, sweat and tears that are involved in fight prep. I don't want to disappoint him by pulling out, not being ready, not working hard. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like I'm cheating myself as well - avoiding the hard work. Am I that soft and wimpy? I don't think so. I hope not anyway.

I want to fight though. Since Iowa, I have been a bit gun-shy, and I'm finally getting back into sparring. Stepping back into the ring took a great deal of courage. Something got punched out of me this summer and I think I have finally emerged and realized that I can defeat that feeling of being afraid. Fear. That was the biggest thing with me. I've never been truly afraid of anything. And in Iowa, that first round, I was afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of having my teeth knocked out. Afraid of disappointing my Kruu.

So January. To fight or not to fight. The question is still being posed. I'm giving myself a week to decide. In that time, I'm going to try and get a physio appointment to determine what exactly is wrong with my heel, as well as get my orthotics checked out to make sure they are still in working order. It's been a number of years since they have be assessed so I may as well do it now.

Otherwise, life has been a bit chaotic, but ok. I'm enjoying my first quiet weekend in ages. Most weekends lately have been spent either working, or with prior committments. This weekend is free and clean. Which is great! I spent most of the afternoon today doing domestic chores, grocery shopping, and icing my heel. Tonight, I'm watching movies. Currently: Bridget Jones, Edge of Reason. I'm thinking "The Beach" might be next. Depends on how late it gets and how sleepy I feel. Tomorrow, I think I will try and get in to see a walk-in doctor at UofO and have my foot looked at.

It's times like this that I feel old. :)

Agony

1.5 hours of Silat this morning, attempting to bounce up from somewhat un-natural positions, coupled with kettle bells has resulted in me being in absolute agony right now. I was on single arm swings and something in my lower back let go. Agony. My lower back is in spasm and completely tweaked. I'm sitting here at home, stoned on Robaxacet and attempting to move without looking like I have a stick shoved up my ass into my spine! Wow, talk about pain. Not entirely sure what I did, but I'm hoping it goes away soon so I can get back to training.

Last night we had our first meeting with our house building team. I think we have a good team - great sense of humor and everyone seems to get along. Now, all I have to do is buy my ticket. The problem is that I'm not going to be able to buy it until December. On top of that, if I do buy a ticket, there is no way that I can get my car fixed to go to Sudbury at Christmas. I just can't afford to do both. So, I tucked my tail between my legs and have asked for help and a loan from a family member. If I can buy the ticket now, I can save myself alot of stress. But I can't afford to. I don't want to have to back out of the build, let them all down, but then again I hate borrowing money. Unfortunately, with the way my family is, there is only one person who I could turn to, but I'm not sure it's going to work out. The joys of a dysfunctional family, eh? So it's either ask for help, or cancel the trip entirely. Horrible situation. It would be nice if our retro pay came earlier than later. I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about this. I fell asleep around 4am, got up around 8am to get to the gym in time. Not enough sleep that's for sure. I have to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that tonight brings more sleep. And less worrying. But the worry may only go away after I receive an answer to my letter.

Giving the world the middle finger

Fuck the world. That's my feeling right now. I feel vaguely similar to how I felt years back when I had my breakdown - hopeless, anxious, helpless, insecure. You name it, if it's a negative emotion, it's going on in my head.

Last week was brutal - work, finances, training, etc. This weekend was good - the Ajarn Chai workshop, although I do have feelings of insecurity surrounding the whole weekend as well, which I won't go into here. Sunday night, I come home only to find a missed call - I checked the number and it's my father. Great. Here we go again. I contacted my brother who says that apparently he wants to talk to me "before it's too late". You know, it's hard to believe something to be sincere when there is 30 years of insincerity behind it. But given the last week of HELL, this was just the icing on the cake and sent me into a total downward spiral. After spending an evening being somewhat ignored in the first place, making me fed up with fucking hot/cold confusing relationships, coming home to that call was the point of no return.

Today was brutal. I didn't mind being at work, but I did mind having any intrusion into my personal space and having to talk to anyone. I went to the gym in the evening and just went and rode the bike, trying to just purge thoughts and stay in my own little world as I knew that opening my mouth to say anything was going to be bad. I promptly got into trouble for 'sneaking in' and not saying hi. Although, seriously? I really didn't want that interaction today to put more uncertainty and insecurity into my head. Fucking male role models. I can't deal with them. Except Andre. I went looking for him at the university tonight, while bawling my head off in the car. I needed him so bad tonight - he understands, he can handle me in this state.

Heavy drinking. That thought crossed my mind today. The other thought? Suicide. Dangerous thinking, I know. But I can see why people do it. I'm hinged on that point right now - what's the point really? I'm not with anyone. I'm frustrated in my job, and not really sure I'm good at it. Lately I seem to be clashing with every person I come across. I'm sick of being in debt and horribly bad with money. Really, what's holding me here? Not much. Who really cares what happens to me? My mom? My dog?

Negative snark is back.

ugh

What a week. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back - I cracked, fell apart, decided to give up and just go home. It was the best thing I could have done as I wasn't getting anything done at work, was pretty close to breaking down and crying or punching someone in the head. So I came home, walked the dog, and went to the gym really early.

Once there, Kru asked me to give an intro lesson - my first one!! Well, I was supposed to give one a while back, but the person didn't show. So today was my first! Yeah! Actually, it was the best thing that could have happened to me as it gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that not everything was going to be horrible today. I think I gave a good lesson and the new student went into the Phase I class prepared. Yeah! I did a kettlebell workout and then headed home. My shoulders are aching from 3 days of kettlebells + muay thai, so today was a light day. Tomorrow it's back to running and hitting the bags and pads. I could have stayed for the Phase III class, but when I'm in this sort of mood, it is not in my best interest, or that of my partner's, to be holding pads in a class. This type of mood is conducive to solo-training, working out frustrations and burning off steam.

I had a bit of a melt down through email to Andy as well, and he actually sent me a very nice email, putting everything in perspective and offering some sage advice, as he always does. I know I can always count on him for this - a reality check and friendly support all in one.

This weekend is the Ajarn Chai workshop - all day Saturday and half the day on Sunday. Last year's workshop was fantastic! This year, it's limited to senior students and Kruu's, a small group of only 16. Although it's not taxing aerobically, by the end of a full day of doing drills, you get tired!! Saturday is going to be a long day. But the opportunity to train with Ajarn, to learn new skills and drills, is well worth it. Especially if he goes into retirement and no longer does regular workshops.

Russian balls of steel

I discovered a new form of physical torture today - kettlebells. My 15 min introductory lesson resulted in intense quad agony later in the afternoon!! Wow. Who knew that swinging around a 20 lb cannon ball could be so effective?! I went out and bought a torture device of my own this afternoon, 25 lbs, so I can do this workout at home in the mornings after a run. I can use the ones at the school, but that would be before or after class, and I suspect that that is not a smart idea simply due to the level of fatigue you're left with after hefting this ball around.

The last few days have been good. I feel content, which is an odd feeling, not one I've felt in a while. Work, ignoring all the union shit which I really don't want to deal with anymore, has been good - getting back into research and feeling that companionship and comradery with my fellow mineralogists is excellent.

Training has actually started to come back to me as well. I banished one demon on Friday evening - I stepped back into the ring to spar. This was the first time I have sparred since Iowa. Why? Not quite sure exactly. Partially because I was injured. Partially because the feeling of fear I had in Iowa took a bit of time to get over. I don't think I'm over that feeling of fear, but I've embraced it and now can work with it. I think it will actually allow me to be a better fighter and sparring partner - it's made me slow down and lighten up. Friday was good - I went about 5 rounds, light, timing sparring, and had some fun. Then had a beer in Kru's office, which was a nice way to end the day. This is what it's all about, right? Fun. And physically I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back into shape. Rolling has helped, but it's also made me realize how much power I've lost in the last 2 months. It's coming back, slowly but surely. The fuzzy feeling in my lungs is finally gone as well - the cold/flu/plague I had took its toll but it seems to be clearing up. Finally.

So I'm having a beer and watching "Lost in Translation". Again. It's a bit of a fall-back movie for me. Like comfort food in movie form. I watched UFC 89 earlier this afternoon and now am just chilling. And trying to rest my poor aching quads!! The fun begins again tomorrow.

Thanksgiving weekend in O-town

Turkey pig-out in Sudbury already happened last weekend, so this long weekend is ALL MINE!!! And the weather is supposed to be beautiful, sunny and warm. Woo hoo!! I think some cycling will happen tomorrow.

Today was spent mostly at the gym - Kali and then some BJJ - doing yard work (raking leaves), and taking the dog to the dog park for a good run. Rolling this morning was way too much fun. I forget how much I love rolling - I need to get back into it. It makes you strong, tough, builds endurance. I was a little hesitant in the last months to roll - while prepping for Iowa, rolling was out of the question. Before that, my shoulder was still healing and the last thing I wanted to do was separate it again, doing more damage. It feels strong now, so back to ground work. Yeah! Getting back into shape is the main goal right now, no matter how I do it. But my lungs are still "fuzzy" and I feel wheezy and weak. It's getting better - running yesterday morning was okay, but training last night, I felt like I needed to eject a lung while doing pads with Meghan!

"Music for Wilderness Lake" performed by the Wild Bones

“Music for wilderness lake”, the fall 2008 version, was a success. 12 trombones, one dark, cold morning, and a brave, hearty audience of 120 people on the beach. And it was a great time!! I wasn’t quite sure how this piece would work out, but it was actually alot of fun and sounded good!

I got into Sudbury on Thursday and went over to the school for rehearsal. Talk about homecoming!! Blair, Charlotte, Catherine, Mel and Marc. People I miss so much, who I have known for the majority of my life. It was fantastic. Especially seeing Marc as I haven’t seen him in at least 10 years. But he hasn’t changed! And I don’t think my feelings towards him have changed either – he can still smile at me and I get butterflies and feel giddy! I’ve missed him the most of all and it’s really unfortunate that we haven’t seen more of each other in the last years. Or this weekend – we haven’t had a chance to spend some time alone to talk and get caught up at all. And he’s going through a hard time, personally, right now – I’d like to sit down and talk and give him some comfort.

Friday I spent at the university with Andy – again, homecoming week at the department! Most of the profs kinda looked twice at me – like I both should and shouldn’t be there! But it was great to see everyone. I took Andy out for lunch while allowed us to get caught up, talk some science but mainly not. I miss having him around the corner as well. Email and phone just aren’t the same.

Friday evening we had a dress rehearsal on LU beach – man, it was friggin’ cold out there! The wind was nasty. But it gave us the chance to place ourselves around the lake, get an idea of how loud we had to play to hear each other, and discover the ins and outs of trying to turn pages when the wind is whipping your music around! But it was cool – we ran through both parts a couple of times, with the conductor in the middle of the lake waving around his flags. A dress rehearsal was a definite must – it was very different than playing it inside in a classroom where you can see everyone!!

5:30am this morning came very, very quickly!! And it’s very dark out here at 5:30am – darker than in Ottawa given that we are quite a bit further north-west. I got dressed (in multiple layers, using running tights are long johns!), let the dog out for a pee, and then stumbled off to the car to search out a Timmy’s for a much-needed hot coffee. Arriving at Laurentian, there were two cars in the parking lot, and Charlotte pulled up right behind me. We all donned our headlamps, gloves, and made the trek out to the beach. Pitch dark. Amazingly, there were already 2 people in lawn chairs waiting on the beach with flashlights!! Within 10 minutes, our ensemble, the Wild Bones, started to arrive and to manoeuvre into position around the lake, being careful not to get a soaker in the dark! After a bit of warming up, we started to notice more canoes and kayaks on the lake, including our conductor and the soprano soloist who performed a piece between “Dawn” and “Dusk”.

The piece went really well - the echo from the various parts around the lake was really cool, and we all played well. From what I could tell anyway!! It's difficult to play the piece and be a judge of how it sounded - I think you'd have to be on the beach or in the middle of the lake to get a full appreciation of the music.

The soprano soloist did a strange vocal piece that meddled well with the Schaffer piece - more tonal, native calls. It gave us a chance to take in some coffee, rest, and try and get an idea of how many people were on the beach in the audience. I counted 95 on the beach, but there were more people on the lake in boats, and behind us on the rocks. Altogether, 125 brave, hearty souls showed up for our performance - amazing!!!

After we played "Dawn", it was truly light and dawn had broken. Clapping and a few whoops from the audience was our reward! We quickly moved back to the beach, convened for a short time, and made the trek back to our cars in the parking lot so that we could return all the music stands and head to Perkins for much-needed coffee and warm food. I've never played a concert before where breakfast was the meal to be had after the performance! Ususally it's drinks and a late supper!!

Perkins was a great time - it gave me a chance to sit and talk with Marc, Blair, and Catherine. On top of it, Dick and Roger were both there!! My emotional reaction to seeing them shocked me - I was almost tearful. I saw them and ran over right away, gave them both a big hug and chatted for a while. That's when it really started to hit me with full force - I really, really, REALLY miss my musician friends. I was so happy to sit with them, play in the group, and generally just feel completely accepted and also missed. They kept suggesting that I should get a job in Sudbury so we can all hang out and play together again. And you know what ? The thought wasn't too offensive. If it wasn't for the nightmares and skeletons that follow me around everytime I go to Sudbury, I would go back. I miss the music geeks and Andy. They are all a HUGE part of my life and having to come and go every few months, playing with them once in a while, makes me very sad. Andy at least I see every once in a while, whether here or in Sudbury, and we talk on the phone and by email all the time. But playing with the gang is something entirely different. It is an integral part of who I am.

Some conversations were a shock. Talking with Marc was very hard as he's going through alot of personal problems and I feel so bad for him. I also realized that, even after 10 years, my feelings for him have not diminished. He's goofy, funny, cute, and he can still make me weak and giddy with just a smile.

I know I can't live in Sudbury, for my own emotional and mental health, and for my career. Thus, I have to be happy with the short times I spend there and start playing my trombone more here in Ottawa. I need to find a group to play with. It will never be the same, it can't, not when you've grown up with a certain group of people, but at least it will help me get back into shape and learning more music.

Homecoming weekend coming up

Tomorrow I'm headed to Sudbury to do a trombone gig with some old friends - people who have known me since I was 7 years old; who have stood by me through some of the worst times of my life, through some of the best times; people who I have loved feverishly as first true love can only be; people who I spent the best summer of my life with. It's going to be a wild mix of emotions seeing everyone. And it will bring back a flood of emotions from the past. I can't wait. I'm a bit nervous about this gig, but that's what tomorrow's rehearsal is for. It's going to be interesting, that's for sure. I am a bit worried about who might show up for this gig, as it's been advertised all over the city. I'm worried that my father is going to show up. That could get ugly.

It's been a long week. It started with union stuff on Monday - draining, exhausting, frustrating. Now, we'll see what happens. The rest of the week (the little time that has passed) has been spent in meetings and trying to get rid of this plague. I was going to train on Monday evening, but when I showed up at the gym, I promptly got told it was probably best that I didn't train, that I should let my body use all my energy to get better. Wise advice, so I listened to him and didn't train. There are not alot of people I will listen to in this situation!! I'm sure my mom would be happy to hear that there is at least one person who I won't be totally stubborn with!

Thailand planning - only 4 months away!

5 days of a sinus infection/cold/plague is enough. That's it. It can go away now. I spent most of last night waking up every hour, coughing, hacking up a lung. But the end is near, I can feel it. The sinus pressure has decreased and I'm beginning to think I can breathe again. Although I am certain I need a lung transplant as I'm wheezing and gasping whenever I do anything resembling exercise!

I'm making supper for Memere tonight - prune and apricot chicken tagine with couscous. I hope it's not too exotic, but the fruit and the spices make it a good 'intro' dish into Morrocan cuisine. Should be an interesting evening. I didn't know she was in town until she called on Wednesday. No one tells me anything about family stuff. That said, I don't often ask either. I haven't called my mom since the end of July. Time flies. I just don't have that much to talk about - nothing new has been happening - just work and training and union shit.

I've been searching the web for muay thai camps to train at in February. I've got a few on my short list:

Kobra Muay Thai (Koh Phangan)
Rawai Muay Thai (Phuket, Rawai beach)
Jay Prapa (Phuket, Kata)
Lanna Muay Thai (Chiang Mai)

At this point, I think I'll go from Bangkok by train down to Surat Thani (8 hours), then take the ferry over to Koh Phangan and spend a week or two there at Kobra. Then take the bus down to Phuket (6 hours) to Rawai, which will allow me to spend some time with the dive gang as well. That should be a leisurely enough time. If I decide that Koh Phangan, Samui and Tao are worth a longer stay, then that's what I'll do. I figure a more open, unplanned schedule is better than being tied to anything specific. And if I don't like the gym, I can always change - there are plenty of camps on Koh Phangan and in Phuket.

New training regime - bring on the mornings!!

Okay folks, today was Day 1 of the new training regime. a.k.a. the 'get your lazy ass out of bed early and train and don't use the car' regime. I woke up at 5:45am, dragged my butt out of bed in the dark and cold to the washroom to wake up a bit before taking the dog out. The dog did not want to go out at 6am (although he was quite happy to go out at 2am this morning after chewing on a large chunk of femur yesterday afternoon!). Short dog walk around the block, back inside to get into biking gear, scarfed down a Red Bull for some energy, then I was out the door, bike in hand, and rode over to the gym. This morning's workout: 200 m and 125 m sprints up a hill, and 10 repetitions on the stairs. Plus the run to and from Strathcona Park. An hour's worth of laboured breathing and a slight pukey-feeling. Although I'm not as fast as the boys, I can hold my own. And I'm out of shape - this will definitely be good to get back into shape!! And since I wasn't doing as much sprint work before July, I think this will make my conditioning a lot better than before. It is brutal and horrible work, but without pain...

I biked in to work as well, which adds another hour of cardio to the day, approximately. 14 km each way between the gym and work. I wasn't moving fast this morning, that's for sure!! But some fat-burning low intensity work is not a bad thing right now, especially to disperse all the lactic acid from the sprints.

Monday/Tuesday/Thursday/Friday will be sprint/hill/stair days to push my anaerobic and lactic threshold. Wednesdays and Saturdays will be long run days. And then regular training in the evenings. This post-fight pudge will be coming off quickly!! Provided the food intake is normal and healthy.

Being up and doing that much training already makes for a very long day! I'm exhausted right now. Coffee is my friend. And water - I don't think I'm hydrated enough today. I took my office Nalgene bottle home last week because it had a definite fishy smell to it. I'm not sure if that was from the water here in the building, or simply from not being cleaned thoroughly, but it really had to be disinfected. So I'm stuck with only a small bike bottle here to hydrate from - not nearly enough.

I just printed out a published paper on nalivkinite, a new Li-dominant astrophyllite group mineral. I apparently reviewed this manuscript, as my name is in the acknowledgments, but I don't recall doing the review at all!!! How sad is that? I vaguely recall it, but not in any clear way. I would have been the obvious choice of reviewers, of course, but still... Wow. Getting back to research means cleaning out the cobwebs from the last 1.5 years and rediscovering work I have or haven't done yet!! Although I suspect I reviewed this paper at least 1.5 years ago, and it's just getting published now? That's way too long of a delay.

Did I mention I'm NOT a morning person in the slightest?!! Actually, once I'm up, I'm happy to be up and moving early. It's just that initial getting out of bed moment that is horrible. That's when I can get up, hit snooze or reset the alarm clock entirely and go back to bed. But that's wimping out. I can't afford to do that right now.

I came across this quote in the Bangkok Post today, wrt to the political situation in Thailand:

"In recent times, "democracy" is a word that has been thrown around more often than a ping pong ball in Patpong - and suffers about the same level of degradation."

I thought it was hilarious. Ah, memories of Khao San road and the invites to ping pong shows!!!

End to a long week

Last night, I was in bed by 8:45pm. After an extremely long week, all I really wanted was Friday even to be over and done with, to start fresh on Saturday.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were spent in union mediation with our managers. No comment. None needed really. When is mediation ever enjoyable? It's quite a draining exercise actually - not physically, but mentally. And frustrating.

Thursday evening was Rockin4Tabitha and it went great!!! We had about 120 people show up, made enough money for one full house, and had a great time! Kru Bob's group was fantastic, and so were The Hitmen. The dance floor was hopping (thanks to my students who are unafraid of being goofy and got up and danced right away!!) right up until the end of the evening. A very successful event - made some money for a house, got some publicity for the Tabitha Foundation, and everyone had an enjoyable evening out. We do need to find some more builders for February though - right now, we only have 11 total. And to build 20 houses in 3 days? A few more strong bodies would help!

I'm exhausted. I spent 4 hours at the gym this morning - Kali, BJJ and then some shadow boxing and pad work. Hurting right now. Going back to Gi work is fun but it's like trying to get the gerbil wheel spinning again, trying to remember all the moves and drills. But hitting pads afterwards, I felt stronger than I have in the last couple of weeks. Feels good to hit hard again - my foot isn't hurting at all. Well, the right one isn't. The left heel is killing me.

Starting Monday, I'm training with the boys in the morning - 7am start with springs or hills, then shadow boxing and pad work. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. Long runs on Wednesday and Saturdays. It's going to hurt for the first while, but I think it will be good for me - getting back into shape by jumping into the shark-filled pool head first. Yup, it's certainly going to hurt. That means Mondays and Fridays will be double training days. Maybe Tuesday as well. I should start going on Tuesdays again - do Phase III class more often. But it doesn't start until 7:30pm and by that time, I'm wanting to crash on the couch.

Cathartic Colorado

I'm headed back to Ottawa tomorrow, back to the land without mountains and my own mineral colleagues. It's been quite a week - exciting, cathartic, cleansing. I am headed home in a different state of mind, with renewed interest in science and mineralogy and a renewed friendship which I was never sure could ever again exist on a healthy plain.

Wednesday I bagged my first 14'er - the 14,267 foot Torrey's Peak. It's located just west of Idaho Springs, south of I-70. I was told that I could drive up the access road, but my poor little Kia Rondo had other ideas!! I made it up the first bit of the 'road' and discovered a huge gully in the middle of the track - not enough room on either side to put a tire, and no way I was going to drive in the ditch. I tried a few times, managed to bottom the car out entirely (insert screeching noises, large clangs, crashes, and finally burning smells) and decided that maybe walking the 3 miles to the trail head was a better idea!! I parked the car at the bottom of the road, and started to hoof it up the road. 10 minutes into the hike, a 4x4 truck came up behind me at a snail's pace and I stuck out my thumb - I figured anyone coming up that road was headed to the trailhead anyway. And sure enough, they were, so I caught a ride up. Yeah for friendly strangers!!

The trailhead was at 11,000 feet, with the trail heading straight up a glacial U-shaped valley. I slung a water bottle from my pack and started up. I managed to find a hiking rhythm fairly quickly, remembering my experiences in Nepal and knowing that going too quickly at the beginning was only going to destroy me at the end and leave me tired, sick, with a headache and needing to go back to lower altitude.

About 12,000 feet, I ran into two guys who were headed down because they decided that it was too cold on the upper reaches of the mountain and that they weren't dressed well enough. Huh. I had enough upper body clothing, but only shorts on below. These guys were in full fleece already, long pants, and they were cold?! Shit.

Past 12,000 feet, the going got rough, the switchbacks started, and thought "why am I here?" kept creeping into my head. Altitude digs hard into the quitter emotions. When you're moving so slowly, breathing in and out at each step, it's hard to imagine that the hike can be any more fun. But I took it slow and steady and all was good. I did actually wind up hiking the last 1/3 of the trail with someone - I ran into a lady, Joan, a retired Colorado resident, on a break at a switchback. We wound up hiking together, leap-frogging the entire way to the summit. That turned out to be a good idea as the wind at the summit ridge was brutal, freezing of the fingers started, and the oxygen deprivation near the summit was debilitating!! But actually not as bad as I thought it might be. Taken slow enough, it was actually fun!! I even ran into a mountain goat on the way up - it just stood right in front of me on the trail, not moving, eating lichen. Offered great photo ops, but it really had to move so I could get up the trail!!


Thursday and Friday I spent at the Colorado and Denver mineral shows. I think I am mineral'd out. 2 full days of browsing around over-priced samples and I'm exhausted!! I did wind up buying 2 samples for our collection, but not much new was on the market that interested me.

Thursday evening, I met Francois in the lobby at the Holiday Inn and we went into the bar for a drink, then out for supper. Amazingly, it was a good time. I really had fun - we talked about life, science, our jobs, our lives, etc. Like two normal friends who have not seen each other in a while. And he genuinely seemed interested in what I had to say, and vice versa. I didn't feel threatened or uncomfortable or insecure at all. I think we've both matured. We shared a bottle of wine and it helped to loosen us up a bit, which we really didn't need. It was nice to laugh and joke with him and I'm glad that we got together, to the point where I asked him to meet me for lunch today as well. When we said our goodbyes this afternoon, I was actually sad - it's been so many years since we've spent time together and then to have a great week and have to separate again? Hard to take. But part of me is still uncertain - can I let my defenses down this much and not get hurt? I don't know.

Flashback, deja vu, and a test of maturity

Greetings from Golden, Colorado! 5500 feet in the foothills of the Rockies, I'm finally back to the USA SW after 3 years of absence. And it's great to be back!! The mountain air, the blue sky, the rough, harsh, barren terrain, the altitude, the Mexican food, the ranch land. It's like homecoming, even though I have never lived out west before. I could live here. Actually, in New Mexico or Arizona would be better, but Colorado is pretty great as well.

I arrived on Saturday morning after a boring flight, got my rental car, and headed the 35 miles from the Denver airport to Golden, on the west side of Denver. After checking in and unpacking, I decided that a trip to downtown Denver was in order. I spent most of my time on the 16th street pedestrian mall, having lunch and walking around. Lunch was a detour from a healthy diet - I found a small mom-and-pop Mexican cantina in the LODO district and was in heaven - a Negro Modello, a Herradura Anejo margarita, and a mixed plate of enchillada, chilli relleno and a flauta - absolute heaven. I love Mexican food, and this was fantastic!! Although alcohol at 6000 feet is deadly - I was slightly tipsy by the time I headed off to walk around downtown so stopped by a Starbucks and found a coffee.

By supper time, I headed back to Golden, stopping at Corral Western Wear where I browsed the cowboy boots in my price range and wound up buying a nice pair of Justin's - brown with gold-ish stiching on the upper part. Woo hoo!! Gotta break them in though - they are pretty tight and stiff. But so were my other ones initially and now they are soft and comfy.

Saturday evening I decided it was time to get in some exercise, so I headed out on a run. Running at 6000 feet - not a whole hell of alot of fun! Throw in the fact that the route I took, west on Colfax (no sidewalks) was completely uphill!! 5 minutes in, and I was ready to rip out my lungs!! But I wound up doing about 5 km or so, enough to make me feel like I burned off some of my endulgent, cheese-smothered lunch!!

Sunday, I headed out to Red Rocks park, 15 min up Colfax West, and went trail running. Not knowing what to expect, I took the Red Rocks trail, which started at the bottom of this really cool formation of upthrust red Jurrasic sandstones that tilt almost 90 degrees in some places. It's really neat - you can stand at the top of the hills look south, and see this entire line of upthrust red sandstones. Never thought I'd find sedimentary rocks so cool!! Actually, from a sedimentary point of view, this area is interesting - lots of dinos and other Jurassic fossils are all over the place here. Okay, the mining history is alot more interesting, but the dinos are pretty cool too!! For dead things, of course...

Trail running in Red Rocks, at least initially, was more like trail walking - running up switch backs at that altitude was hell!! I did about 7 kms, some running, some walking, but having a great time nevertheless. I hope to go back a few more times this week and run one of the other, flatter trails. I had planned to go this morning, but when I got up at 6am, it was (1) raining, (2) really friggin' cold (think snow), and (3) dark as hell!! My plans of trail running were cut short and I wound up spending 1/2 an hour on the treadmill in the hotel exercise room.

After a shower and some healthy food (I stocked my hotel fridge with food from "Whole Foods" on Saturday), I decided to go visit Boulder, which is about 25 miles north of here. Mainly, I wanted to check out REI, and go wander around downtown Boulder, a cute little ski village with a pedestrian mall perfect for window shopping (or spontaneous shopping as the case may be!). I had lunch at a small cafe, wandered around in the sunshine, had a coffee, then headed back into Golden.

Last night was the welcoming reception for "Mineralogy and Museums 6", held at the Geology Museum at the Colorado School of Mines. The reception was well-attended - I ran into a number of colleagues and friends who I haven't seen in years. Some, like Julian, I see all the time, usually in Rochester where we've made him an honorary Canadian!

The turning point in the evening, the encounter I had been nervously awaiting, came as I was looking at the mineral collection. Francois came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a big hug (in itself very strange). Immediately I felt my guard go up - does it have to be up? Do I need to play defense with him still? Was his friendly greeting sincere? Can I trust him? The answer to that last question is most likely no. I need to be careful, for my own emotional state of mind. We stood around and chatted for a long time - about his change in jobs, research, the collection, cats, etc. One of our colleagues came over and chatted, and when he asked how I had made the leap from astrophyllite to Nb-glasses, I looked at Francois and he answered "cats". It's true actually - one of the first discussions we had via email when I was decided where to do my post-doc was about cats. It was an email discussion that I though boded well - to have someone that friendly and discuss something other than science with me via email, after only a few interactions, to me felt like good vibes. If I had only known...

He was headed out for supper after the reception, but I declined his invitation to go along. He keeps saying we need to go out and drink wine together. Part of me is very hesitant to do so - I believe that activity has gotten us into major trouble in the past!! Grenoble in particular comes to mind. So does the night after the West Indies restaurant in Paris when the Absinthe flowed like water. I'm not sure that he and I spending those kinds of evenings together would be healthy. And, although I suspect that he's happier and more relaxed with his new job, which might have calmed him down, he still doesn't seem to have changed all that much. And neither have I - I still feel an unexplained attraction to him, the feeling that I can help him, the misguided thought that he won't hurt me again. I am constantly reminded at how much we aren't in control of our emotions and feelings. Thus, my decline of his supper invite, but with a promise that we would go out later this week.

This morning, I ran on the treadmill, had breakfast and headed to the technical sessions. I did my best to walk around Francois, not knowing exactly how to deal with him. When I was a post-doc, I followed him around like a puppy when we went to conferences - I was young, immature, insecure, and didn't know anyone in the European circuit. Now it's different - I'm no longer that immature (in some ways!) and know alot of the people at this conference. I'm also no longer uncomfortable walking around solo like I used to be at conferences, needing to be beside my advisor or colleague at all times. I don't feel that insecurity any more. And, given that I feel very defensive right now and am fighting to figure out, in my head, how to handle this situation, I thought it best to avoid contact, so I hung out with Julian.

The technical sessions today were okay - good talks, wide range of topics. By mid afternoon I was crashing though - time change and being up early this morning. Francois finally did come up to me late morning and give me the traditional French greeting of cheek kisses. I found it quite intriguing - him coming to me rather than the other way around. Interesting. That sounds like a power struggle, doesn't it? Wanting him to come to me rather than the other way around? It is in a way - a demonstration of independence, a need to prove in some way that the past is just that - the past and I've moved on.

I didn't stay for the reception tonight. I've decided to not drink from now on - back to a training regiment and diet. Getting up early in the morning to run and do weights here takes alot of energy, and I don't want to jeopardize that. The weight I've gained since Iowa bothers me and I want to get it off - steadily and healthily. And alcohol just doesn't factor into that. Also, drinking here might bring too many demons out of the closet and make me open my mouth bigger than I should. I feel the need to talk to him, to bring out into the open how hurt I felt, how betrayed, how abused and demeaned. But what good would it do? We do need to sit down and talk though - I might return to Paris to work with him in the coming year. Is this a good idea? I don't know.

Tomorrow will be another long day - talks all day and then a dinner at the Denver Museum. I'm excited to go to the Museum to see the Sweethome Mine rhodochrosite display. I've been a fan, in love with! Sweethome Mine rhodos since I was an undergraduate student. When the Mineralogical Record special rhodo issue came out, it was like mineral porn for me! All those beautiful, red, lushious, almost edible-looking rhodos. Very cool. Sick person eh?!! :)